Why can't I just leave?

[pigdogridesagain]

This is a long one! So I've been with my partner for 7 years. From about 3 months into our relationship he has treated me terribly, cheating, mentally and emotionally abusive. He's cheated on me numerous times with numerous women, even prostitutes in Thailand. He got the latest one pregnant and now has a baby with her. She harasses and abuses me via Facebook, instagram, text, messenger. Tells me to go and kill myself ( I had a mental breakdown earlier this year and was suicidal for a long time) He has a way of making me think that I'm being unreasonable when I object to his behaviour or try to walk away. If that doesn't work he harasses me with hundreds of phone calls and threats of suicide until I relent and go back. I've had intervention from mental health services and every single one of them tells me I must leave because he's abusing me! My children ( he doesn't live with me) absolutely detest him, my family hate him and the majority of my friends hate him as well. To anyone looking at it from the outside I come across as a well educated, confident, strong woman. I just cannot seem to walk away because he's destroyed all my self confidence, made me doubt my own mind and made me feel completely worthless. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

I should also add that he's constantly saying awful and untrue things to people about me. He also has a conviction for assault on his ex, although he has never laid a hand on me.

You are with a toxic abuser and I strongly advise you to LTB.
He is dragging you down and ruining your MH.

You should phone Women’s Aid and speak to them and get help.
You need to do the Freedom programme.

Also buy the book by Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that?’

Also look into getting some counselling to see why you are attracted to abusive men.

Research about narcissists:psychopaths/sociopaths and red flags , ways to spot them.

Did you grow up in an abusive home?

I hope you have got sexual health check ups after he has slept with other women, especially prostitutes.

You need to work on your self esteem and realise that you are way better than this nasty piece of work.

I hope you get lots of support from family and friends.

Please believe that you are worth so much more.

He is abusing you and you must leave him. His suicide threats are a bluff - if he says that, call the police. Block him from contacting you. You must, must, must break this cycle

I have blocked him on everything but he just harasses me from a withheld number. I've thought about changing my number but I'm pretty sure he would manage to get it somehow. The mother of his child does the same and also gets her friends to do it as well. He has a way of blaming me for everything. I've thought about women's aid etc but it just all seems so trivial compared to real violence. I just don't know who I really am anymore and I hate the fact that people see me as weak and pathetic because I always go back.

@lexiepuppy no I didn't grow up in an abusive home. My parents however has a very volatile relationship

Can you imagine a life without him? How does that make you feel? You have family and friends so you wouldn't be alone. In fact I am sure you will be less lonely not being a relationship with someone who is trapping you. How old are your children? You can do this. You are able to muster that strength to leave him. Your exit must be planned and he must have no way of being able to contact you. Please call Womens Aid. This is your life and you are letting him destroy it. I have no doubt you are an amazing women, keep being amazing and leave him. Good luck xx

• had a very volatile relationship

@PhoenixIsFlying Thankyou for your kind words. I seem to be ok when I first leave and as the days go on I either start to become more depressed and lonely ( even though I'm not really alone) or he starts to wear me down and I just give in. My children are all young adults or teenagers. My eldest ds has an absolutely pathological hatred of this man and will not allow him in the house.

If your parents relationship has been volatile then you will be more accepting of abusive behaviour than other people. Abuse is abuse whether it is mental or physical and from what you have written you are clearing being mentally abused. I am sure he trivialises his behaviour therefore making you doubt yourself. You will need a new phone number there are ways, but you could do with the support of a charity to help and advise you. Please don't doubt yourself or minimalize his terrible behaviour.

@PhoenixIsFlying He definitely does trivialise his behaviour and tells me I'm being selfish or overreacting if I object to it! It's like he genuinely doesn't see that its wrong. When things are ok he texts or calls me constantly with absolutely no regard to whatever I'm doing ( driving, school appointments etc) but then at other times acts like I don't exist. I've spent all these years trying to work out why he's doing this and I'm constantly trying to adapt to his expectations and it's exhausting.

Can you see that even though you have no physical damage, your heart and your head is bruised by his abuse. It is abuse, you know that, qualified professionals have told you that. And your own children are desperate for him to be out of your lives.

What is good about him?

I really feel for you. There is no way you can get away from him if he has the means to contact you. I am sure you will get some really good advice from mumsnetters. I am so sorry you feel down and depressed but it sounds like you have been through so much with this man, that it is hardly surprising. Maybe see your GP, an antidepressant may give you the that little bit of extra strength you need. I swore for years I never needed them but I have been taking something for my anxiety for over a year now and I just wish I had done it sooner. You deserve so much more than this man. You sound like a really lovely person. You also need support and kindness so do reach out to those who can offer you that.

You must contact Women’s Aid. I went through Women’s Aid last year, after putting it off for months as I thought my Ex hadn’t put me in hospital, he was physically abusive, but I always thought... oh it’s not that bad, but Emotional and psychological abuse is very traumatising. Words can destroy a person, and abusers use words as weapons.

It is a form of brainwashing and you must leave his shit behind and start believing in yourself.

You will be trauma bonded to him as he has abused you so much. You will have a form of Stockholm Syndrome and it has led to learned helplessness, you know that you can get away from him, but have given up.

You need to fight against all that he has done to you. You may have Complex Ptsd as well, that is why it may all seem ‘normal’ to you as your parents were volatile with each other.

Break the pattern, don’t listen to his suicide threats.

Breakaway and build yourself up, detox this abusive man out of your life.
Good luck.

@NameWithChange there is nothing good about him really. He's lazy, work shy, selfish, sexist, homophobic, drinks to much and takes cocaine. Tbh I never thought of it like that until I've just written it all down.

Your kids will lose patience with you sooner or later and decide they don't need him and you in their life

Is he worth that ?

@PhoenixIsFlying I'm already on a strong dose of antidepressants and have been for years because of all this. I was also on anti anxiety and sleeping drugs but I have managed to stop those. I think I'm going to try and change my number tomorrow and just accept that I have to go through the depression to be able to come out of the other side. Thankyou

@lexiepuppy I'm going to call them tomorrow. I've just googled trauma bonding and that is exactly it! It made me cry reading it! I'm sorry to hear about what you went through, it's so easy to see in someone else but so hard to recognise when you are in the situation yourself. I hope that life is much better now. Thankyou

@AnyFucker No he most definitely is not worth that, no one and nothing is. He has no contact with my kids because they hate him so much. I hate the fact that I'm not showing my teenage dd that I'm a strong woman who won't tolerate this

He is not a superpower you are unable to resist

Air, food, oxygen

Those are the essentials. He shouldn't even get a mention on the hierarchy of your needs. He is not a requirement for you to go forward

He's just a man. Not even a decent man.

You can do this. If you really want to.

I think that is a very good idea. Change your number absolutely. Also you already know that this is going to be hard. I had a breakdown a few years ago and after the feeling of terror I suffered crippling depression. The thing that helped me was accepting what I was feeling instead of trying to fight it. It might sound a bit crazy but I allowed my body to have these feeling, they were physical as well as emotional. It was something I had to get through and eventually accepting those feelings, recognising them and allowing them they began to go. You will get through it.
(I'm sorry I realised after I posted that you probably were already on medication.) If you need support then this a great place to come to with many women who can totally empathise with that you are going through.

@PhoenixIsFlying I completely get what your saying about allowing yourself to feel the feelings. My psychologist taught me that I have to do that to be able to process them. It's the complete panic that's the worst one, I just know from the tone of him saying hello to me that he's going to say something vile or admit to something awful he's done ( he seems to get some kind off enjoyment from telling me) I've even begged him not to say it before but he still does. He will then ignore me for ages leaving the panic to wear off and the depression and self loathing to begin.

Oh dear, I am so sorry that you have been treated like this. It especially hard to bring ourselves out of a desperately hard place when we have been pushed to our absolute limits. Sometimes it feels easier to keep the situation as it is than have to go through what we know will be a very difficult time. This man is not giving you any strength he is sapping you of it. Long term without him you will rebuild your life and you will have a better future and as you said earlier show your DD that a man treating you like this is not acceptable and you will not accept it. It is not just your cycle you have to break but also show your daughter what is acceptable and what is not. Someone posted on here a while ago a line that really made me think, 'if your daughter came home with this man would you be telling her to stay with him?'.

Please cut all contact with him soon, accept that it will be hard but it will be short term hard and long term good.

You are important, you are a great mother, you are a good person, you are strong and you can do this! Good luck xx

So sorry to hear your going through this. Please pick up the phone and ask about the freedom programme, it has absolutely saved me this year. It was so scary at first and i didn’t think i could go but I’m so glad that i did, i have met some lovely women, we are all there for the same reason although our stories are all different. It is all very confidential. I promise that it will help you more than any pills can. It will make you strong and show you that you deserve so much better. Life is too short to waste any more time on this person. Wishing you all the best xx

Just a thought - are you sure it is the other woman harassing you by text/social media ect? And not just him pretending. His kind want you to feel that the whole world is against you so often catfish ect...

Otherwise, Google 'narcissistic triangulation' (when they play two individuals off against one another to feed their egos).

Depression won't kill you in and of itself. You will come out the other side. If you find yourself struggling at any point after you leave him, call the crisis team or whoever handles your care. You have all the support you need- you could also try and find more, support groups etc or new friends.

Maybe it's like an addiction- you feel worse without him for a while (like withdrawl symptoms) but actually you know for a fact that he's making you worse. When you get that feeling of depression after you split with him, try and argue yourself back.'You know he makes you worse really, he does X, Y, Z things that make you feel bad..these professionals have told me he's making me worse/hindering my recovery, and they would know. I coped before he came along, so I can again,' or whatever else you can come up with.

Good luck and best wishes, please go for it. xxx