Why can't I just leave?

[pigdogridesagain]

This is a long one! So I've been with my partner for 7 years. From about 3 months into our relationship he has treated me terribly, cheating, mentally and emotionally abusive. He's cheated on me numerous times with numerous women, even prostitutes in Thailand. He got the latest one pregnant and now has a baby with her. She harasses and abuses me via Facebook, instagram, text, messenger. Tells me to go and kill myself ( I had a mental breakdown earlier this year and was suicidal for a long time) He has a way of making me think that I'm being unreasonable when I object to his behaviour or try to walk away. If that doesn't work he harasses me with hundreds of phone calls and threats of suicide until I relent and go back. I've had intervention from mental health services and every single one of them tells me I must leave because he's abusing me! My children ( he doesn't live with me) absolutely detest him, my family hate him and the majority of my friends hate him as well. To anyone looking at it from the outside I come across as a well educated, confident, strong woman. I just cannot seem to walk away because he's destroyed all my self confidence, made me doubt my own mind and made me feel completely worthless. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

OP, my mum had a very similar partner when I was 15, I detested everything about that man, was (constructively) vocal about it and my mother did nothing. I ended up leaving home at 16 because of it and my relationship with my mother has never recovered.

Please don't let this happen to you and your kids. They should be your utmost priority. I was not and the scars run very deep 20 years on.

So this morning I have signed up to the freedom program and asked my phone company to change my number. I'm determined to do it this time, I cannot keep wasting my life with this man. Also I need my kids to see that their mother is strong and capable. Thankyou for all of your kind and helpful advice everyone xx

That is a lovely update. Well done you. Keep posting here for support if you need it.

One day at a time.

So happy to hear that. Keep strong xx

Also buy the book by Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that?’

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

LB gave permission, I believe, for excerpts of his book to be available online. I'm not sure about this full text, I hope it's ok.

Op that book is about physical abuse to some extent (and I know you said been physically abusive to you) but it also covers all types of abuse and most people find it really excellent.

He has a way of blaming me for everything.

He's a gas lighter. Have you looked into gas lighting?

I've thought about women's aid etc but it just all seems so trivial compared to real violence.

It's abuse. It's not trivial. A lot of victims/survivors of domestic abuse sat the mental.side is actually worse than the physical for them.

If he won’t leave you alone then you have grounds for a non-molestation order. It is a crime to breach a non-molestation order. Speak to National Centre for Domestic Violence - harassment by an ex absolutely qualifies for a non-molestation order. They will advise you and probably refer you to a law firm to help with the application for free. There is no court fee for the application. Also read “Women Who Love Too Much” which explains the dynamics behind staying in an abusive relationship and how to change them.

This isn’t about him or what he does or doesn’t do. You’ve given him this power because as painful as his behaviour is towards you, you fear being on your own more.

As long as your focus is on him, it can’t be on you and your deep seated insecurities, so you opt to feed the insecurities rather than confront them.

What do you do? Admit that the only power this man has is the power you’ve surrendered to him and then to engage in the bloody hard work of finding out who you are.