DH porn addict??

[Mrsinadequate]

Name changed (I think!) apologies for the length, I just don’t want to drip feed.

My DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 3 and have a 2yr old DS. I’m in my late 30’s he is early 40’s.

After we met he quickly divulged he had a history of depression and anxiety and was taking anti depressants long term, this has caused occasional ED. He was open and up front about his sexual issues, and we were able to work through a lot of his anxieties regarding sex. Overall, for the first few years of our relationship our sex life was regular and good for us both.

When I fell pregnant (planned) our sex life came to a grinding halt, initially it wasn’t an issue. I wasn’t overly in the mood myself so i didn’t push the matter. What I didn’t like as much was that when the sex stopped so did all our intimacy. We had discussions about it but DH struggled to show any physical affection. Around the same time his anxiety flared up to the point he was referred to a psychiatrist to look at changing his meds. So all in all, sex really was the last thing on the agenda for both of us.

Around 6 months after I had the baby and DH meds were changed for the second time we had sex again. But now DH had real difficulty getting an erection and maintaining it, and couldn’t climax at all. This was despite whatever form of sex we did. This has been our Sex life pretty much since, no PIV not much in the way of kissing or cuddling, more a bit of heavy petting every month or 2.

Now more recently, over the last 6 months I would guess. DH has stopped coming up to bed, he says he fall asleep on the sofa and he either stays there all night or comes up around 5-6am (about 50/50 which one he does). This really bothered me, and we had several discussions as to how to avoid it but ultimately nothing changed, he said he couldn’t help it and it wasn’t on purpose. Then a few weeks back the cat woke me up in the night (about 3am) to go out, I went down to pop him out and could hear DH snoring loudly from the living room. I walked into the living room to find DH with his trousers round his ankles, penis in hand and porn on the (smart) TV! He was fast asleep and I still don’t know why he had to pull his trousers all the way down :(
I woke him up and just said to turn the TV off, there was no point going on that night about anything. To be honest, it was more a surprise than anything else. I don’t have issue with him looking at porn or wanking on occasion I just wasn’t expecting it.

The next morning he said he was embarrassed I found him that way and it was the only time he’d tried to have a wank?! I thought that was a bit far fetched and said that it wasn’t what he was doing but more so is it at the expense of our Sex life or intimacy. He assured me that it wasn’t the case, he really can’t get erections at all and this was him just seeing if he could try to change that.

Fast forward to now, he’s still not coming to bed. Last week I pulled up the browser history on the TV (was going to put on YouTube for DS) to find lots and lots of porn, he must have been clearing the history regularly as I often use it for YouTube. The next night the amount of porn had doubled, he cleared it the next day. That night (the third night) I woke up and came downstairs to find him in exactly the same position as last time. The next morning he said it really wasn’t every night but just on occasion, I said I think he has a porn addiction. I think this is what is contributing to his ED. He denied it, said he wouldn’t do it again.

Last night once again I went downstairs in the middle of the night and there he was again, trousers round ankles, penis in hand tits on tv. I’m just so fed up and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to police his wanking but it’s completely out of hand (excuse the pun) I feel completely neglected and he can obviously get sexually aroused but not with me. I don’t know whether this is something we can overcome??

OP I too have discovered my DH having a wank. He was making no effort to be discreet and our children could have walked in on him so I know the shock you would have felt upon finding your DH in that position!

It does sound as though he probably has a porn addiction. How long must he be watching to fall asleep in the middle of it all?

Meant to add that my DH can struggle with affection and sharing his feelings too. Most frustrating!

That he regularly falls asleep like that is really strange. Is there alcohol involved, or could he be abusing his anti-anxiety meds?

Alcohol is definitely a factor, he'll have a couple of glasses of red wine a night and a shot or 2 of whisky. The psychiatrist has advised numerous times for him to cut back, alcohol and depression don't mix well, but he says it relaxes him.

Initially i was more taken aback by the surprise of seeing him like that than anything else, but now it seems he can't stop. I can't see this being my sex life for the next 30 years!

God....
So sorry....

You want intimacy and sex, he wants to jerk off to porn.

He’s not willing to change, it’s selfish of him to deny you a sex life while he’s getting his through a screen.

So sorry OP. It does sound like a porn addiction. I wonder if his ED issues are to do with the death grip?

I think you need to sit him down and calmly tell him that this isn't on. Wanking and some porn use in moderation is definitely fine but not at the expense of intimacy with you. I would insist that he comes to bed with you at a civilised time every night and packs the drinking in, then you can work through the ED issues together. If he won't do this then I would inform him you are not prepared to accept having your sex life shelved at a young age due to his inability to stop wanking over porn and he can move out. This will hopefully shock him into seeing how important a loving sex life is to you but be prepared to tell him to go if he doesn't start making an effort.

What medication is he on?

When I was on Sertraline it had the effect of slowing things down there. I could get hard and cum from piv, mostly when I wanted to but sometimes it would take a while.

I don't wank off to porn so when I did want to wank it took a lot longer to come and lots of concentration! Sometimes it just didn't happen.

I'd try to find out exactly what is going on. It could be that only porn is (or isn't doing it if he falls asleep doing it) able to get him off.

Either way he needs to prioritise trying to be able to shag you than himself.

@CruellaDeVille2019 I think death grip is more of a factor than the anti-ds, he would argue the opposite though.

In all other respects he's a good husband and we get on well. But this is such a major issue and I don't think he gets that at the moment. As previously said, it's not about never ever looking at porn or wanking, I get that it's all perfectly natural. It's just that this is too much, he would rather sit downstairs night after night and I can't tolerate that for the rest of forever. He is being selfish on that front. I think a frank, calm discussion is needed, I just feel so rejected at the moment.

@Myotherusernamewastakenagain he's on veneflaxine, prior to that it was mirtazipine but that really took away all his libido.

And a few drinks & Sertraline would make it v difficult to finish although I can't remember ever not being able to via piv.

I left a porn addict. I couldn't take it anymore - I became obsessed with it.

I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. Look at an app called Fortify. It's for porn addicts to help them recover, but it might help you see it through his eyes. And also bear in mind that he might not recognise that he has a problem.

So is he looking after your DC or too busy being a arsehole getting pissed and wanking?

It really is only overnight, he still does his fair share around the house and with DS.

That's what makes it more difficult, in every other respect he's great. He gives the impression he thinks I'm over reacting, plus he lays a lot of the blame on his mental health and anti-ds. I've tried to say that this isn't healthy for our relationship and it's the overuse of porn contributing to ED. He's conditioned himself to require a certain level of visual and physical stimulation that real sex can't provide, and it's easier, less effort required on his part. But he's having none of it, saying because of his issues he's trying to use porn to overcome them??

@RLEOM thanks for the Fortify suggestion, I've just signed up, it looks helpful.

He's conditioned himself to require a certain level of visual and physical stimulation that real sex can't provide, and it's easier, less effort required on his part. But he's having none of it,

You've nailed it. This is porn addiction. It's perverting or ruining sexual relationships the land over. But men just gaslight women and invalidate our feelings about it because they don't want to give up their drug. What a bunch of sexual weirdos and inadequates porn is turning men into.

Get angry OP. He might not physically touch them but your husband has rejected you to wank over multiple other naked women. Imagine if those women were stood in your living room in person and he was doing this. You'd be enraged. It's so bizarre how the medium of a screen morally sanitises this crap.

You have a man that has MH issues, drinks too much to flare those issues up, stays up all night watching porn not even the decency to pull up his trousers yet you have a small DC in the house but your worry is what gets him hard and death grip??

You have to leave him for your childs sake, they could come downstairs at any point, they deserve a safe environment not a miserable blame gaming one

But he's not even offering you a cuddle or back rub or any intimacy that doesn't have to mean sex? So it's not 'just sex' or 'just a wank' but he's basically not seeing you as a human being with any desire to be touched in any way?

He sounds very selfish. It's all about him, HIS depression and anxiety, HIS meds, HIS desire to 'relax'. He can't be sleeping well if he's on the sofa every night and pissed (if he drinks that much every night, does he have an alcohol problem? Might he be drinking more after you've gone to bed?)

Ultimatum time, I think. He gets proper help or you go. Helping with your DC isn't him being a good husband. You'd get that from a nanny/mother's help.

Your child will walk in on him eventually or he will do this with the child there. Leave him now!

@Mermaidsinthesand I realise my focus is probably off, but I was looking at it from the perspective that even if he was showing affection other than sex it still wouldn't be enough. Whereas, if we could address the sex problem and regain intimacy in that respect, I can deal with a partner who is otherwise not overly affectionate. I don't know, I'm probably looking at it wrong.

Because our DS is still in his cot I hadn't really thought too much about him coming down the stairs. Naively thought this could be 'fixed' before that was an issue.

DH asked me yesterday why I have been distant with him the past few days. I voiced disbelief that he doesn't understand why I'm upset. He again made out I was overreacting and said he's been using porn as he doesn't feel 'emotionally secure' in our relationship. He pretty much turned it around as I don't support him enough on an emotional level. I don't know where to go with that, he takes no responsibility for his actions. I said if that's the case would it be ok if i feel unsupported to go and have a one night stand? He said that was a ridiculous comparison because that would be an intentional act whereas he doesn't mean to fall asleep and be found watching porn??
Whilst I know my comparison was probably a bit extreme but they are both intentional acts. No one is making him stay downstairs and watch porn, he chooses to do that. Even if he is feeling emotionally insecure it's his choice to respond in that way.

I thought it was a bullshit excuse anyway, he never wants to be the one at fault.

Anyway, I went off to bed woke up at half 2, came downstairs and what do I find?? ..... there he is again, trousers round ankles penis in hand.

We argued, he once again turned it on to me. Said if anything porn is helping our sex life as it's the only way he can get aroused enough to attempt anything sexual in real life?!! I said it's hurtful, I feel rejected and it is killing our marriage. He just said he feels rejected too. You can't talk with him he brings everything back to how it's my fault.

I went to bed, he followed a couple of hours later and that's where he is now. No doubt feeling hard done to.

I don't think this is redeemable

I think its terrible that he denies it and promises to stop, then still does it every night.
I would probably consider taking a photo of him like that every night and make him a little video gift after a few weeks
Im kidding of course, but i would be very upset in your situation OP. Not sure what the solution could be.

Its my view that he drinks too much.

Also why the cutoff of sex/intimacy when you became pregnant? Could it be in his mind that it represented a loss of control of his life? Almost like an attack of commitment phobia? Do you think he was sort of punishing you for getting pregnant? was it by mutual agreement? I'm just thinking out loud you understand..

Hi op really sorry to come across really rude but when you find him in these situations. Has he finished on him self ? Only asking because every time you have found him his penis is in his hand so if there is nothing on him maybe he is got some kind of issues ? I do really feel for you . It makes you feel so down and crap about yourself . Me and my ex didn't have sex for months at a time . Said he didn't feel like it but was always wanking off to porn . X

I don't know, change is one of the big triggers for his depression and anxiety, even those that are positive. The pregnancy was planned and very much wanted by us both, he dotes on DS.

I don't know whether there was an element of Madonna/whore complex triggered by pregnancy. It's pure speculation on my part, he's not forthcoming with any reasons.

That is a point I hadn't really thought about, but looking back, no there is no evidence of him climaxing. I don't know whether he would, if undisturbed, have woken up and finished off?? Eww