DH porn addict??

[Mrsinadequate]

Name changed (I think!) apologies for the length, I just don’t want to drip feed.

My DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 3 and have a 2yr old DS. I’m in my late 30’s he is early 40’s.

After we met he quickly divulged he had a history of depression and anxiety and was taking anti depressants long term, this has caused occasional ED. He was open and up front about his sexual issues, and we were able to work through a lot of his anxieties regarding sex. Overall, for the first few years of our relationship our sex life was regular and good for us both.

When I fell pregnant (planned) our sex life came to a grinding halt, initially it wasn’t an issue. I wasn’t overly in the mood myself so i didn’t push the matter. What I didn’t like as much was that when the sex stopped so did all our intimacy. We had discussions about it but DH struggled to show any physical affection. Around the same time his anxiety flared up to the point he was referred to a psychiatrist to look at changing his meds. So all in all, sex really was the last thing on the agenda for both of us.

Around 6 months after I had the baby and DH meds were changed for the second time we had sex again. But now DH had real difficulty getting an erection and maintaining it, and couldn’t climax at all. This was despite whatever form of sex we did. This has been our Sex life pretty much since, no PIV not much in the way of kissing or cuddling, more a bit of heavy petting every month or 2.

Now more recently, over the last 6 months I would guess. DH has stopped coming up to bed, he says he fall asleep on the sofa and he either stays there all night or comes up around 5-6am (about 50/50 which one he does). This really bothered me, and we had several discussions as to how to avoid it but ultimately nothing changed, he said he couldn’t help it and it wasn’t on purpose. Then a few weeks back the cat woke me up in the night (about 3am) to go out, I went down to pop him out and could hear DH snoring loudly from the living room. I walked into the living room to find DH with his trousers round his ankles, penis in hand and porn on the (smart) TV! He was fast asleep and I still don’t know why he had to pull his trousers all the way down :(
I woke him up and just said to turn the TV off, there was no point going on that night about anything. To be honest, it was more a surprise than anything else. I don’t have issue with him looking at porn or wanking on occasion I just wasn’t expecting it.

The next morning he said he was embarrassed I found him that way and it was the only time he’d tried to have a wank?! I thought that was a bit far fetched and said that it wasn’t what he was doing but more so is it at the expense of our Sex life or intimacy. He assured me that it wasn’t the case, he really can’t get erections at all and this was him just seeing if he could try to change that.

Fast forward to now, he’s still not coming to bed. Last week I pulled up the browser history on the TV (was going to put on YouTube for DS) to find lots and lots of porn, he must have been clearing the history regularly as I often use it for YouTube. The next night the amount of porn had doubled, he cleared it the next day. That night (the third night) I woke up and came downstairs to find him in exactly the same position as last time. The next morning he said it really wasn’t every night but just on occasion, I said I think he has a porn addiction. I think this is what is contributing to his ED. He denied it, said he wouldn’t do it again.

Last night once again I went downstairs in the middle of the night and there he was again, trousers round ankles, penis in hand tits on tv. I’m just so fed up and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to police his wanking but it’s completely out of hand (excuse the pun) I feel completely neglected and he can obviously get sexually aroused but not with me. I don’t know whether this is something we can overcome??

Change may be seen as a threat by some people whereas as change to other people is necessary for growth and seen as development and a great opportunity.

I think you need to tell him straight that if he feels emotionally insecure in your relationship then he needs to get his arse to marriage counselling with you or you will leave because you don't want to go through life without a sex life. Yes, it probably is a bullshit excuse he's given you but counselling will enable you to air how much his actions are upsetting you in an environment where he has to listen to you. It may make him realise how much of an arse he is being.

I agree with the PP who suggested that you start taking photos of him every time you find him like it. Put a date/time stamp on them and print them off at home. Stick them in a little book that you can take along to the counselling sessions with you. He's currently in denial about how much this is affecting your marriage

Is he willing to try talking therapy to help with his anxiety rather than just relying on meds?

He sounds rather pathetic to me, wanking away furtively when you're in bed and then passing out with his dick out for anyone to walk in on. Not very sexy.

My ex was like this - porn addiction.

The problem with excess wanking is that it dulls the sensation for real sex. Google ‘death grip’ it’s a real thing. Also, the need for intense visual stimulation increases exponentially so real sex may not provide enough stimulation to keep an erection.

You can’t stop him - he has to want to and it will take effort and will-power.

He studied psychology, hypnotherapy and counselling at uni and worked as a therapist for a while before I met him (the irony). He said it exacerbated his own mental health probs so that's why he stopped. Now though he reckons he has too much insight into counselling for it to be useful to him, I think once again, that that is an excuse so he never hears something he doesn't want to hear.

I think on our issues though we do need some sort of marriage counselling, for a bit of outside perspective and mediation if nothing else.

And no, at the moment I find him a complete turn off. The image of him slumped there, half naked, is pretty much the first thing that springs to mind when I look at him

I would leave my husband for this.

It’s the lying. The deception. The huge question of exactly what IS going on with him sexually. The lack of intimacy. The lack of CARING about your intimacy and sexual needs.

And yes, how mortifying and unattractive to constantly find him like that. Yuck.

There are some doors in the mind that should never be opened but once they are, can be difficult or impossible to close. You cant un-know what you now know and that goes for our husband and yourself. He has to deal with those demons but at the same time,align himself with the general view of normality in order to fit in and get along. Sometimes the mask slips . YOU dont have to deal with it.

Yes, absolute bollocks - all the many therapists and psychologists I know have personal therapy when needed. Sounds like a total excuse for sure.

I'd also be questioning what the hell is wrong with him that he actually falls asleep with his trousers down and his dick in his hand? Most men can usually wrangle their kecks back up and tuck it all back in before they turn over and fall asleep. So he's either having marathon sessions where the sheer physical activity is knackering him out, or he's got some kind of illness that causes him to flake out randomly.