Hi I've never posted here before but this seems like a good place and time to start.
I've been with my BF for 2 and a half years. We don't live together, I live at home with my mum and he lives on his own in a council house. I'm 23 and he's 25. He has really severe mental health problems and no family support, and is on benefits. The whole time we've been together I feel like I have been more like his mother/carer than his girlfriend. He's never had a job and spends all his benefits on stupid stuff, then has to get money off me and his friends for food etc. I honestly feel like if I wasn't there for him he would have fallen into loads of debt (he already has some rent arrears and minor debts) as he wouldn't have paid his bills, wouldn't be able to afford any basic necessities, and potentially may have started shoplifting or robbing people for money.
Another thing that worries me and the main thing that stops me from leaving him are his constant threats of suicide. He constantly tells me he wishes he was dead, wants to die, hates his life etc etc. He sometimes self harms and has tried to overdose on his medication before. He has no help with this, the mental health services in our area are crap and he's been referred to them before, but they keep discharging him from the service when he misses a single phone call from them. The doctors don't listen either and just give him a higher dose of antidepressants. As he has no family I feel like I've got no one else to support him or me with this. I'm literally the only person he will talk to about his problems.
His mental health causes him to be a total dickhead to me. He can scream and shout at me, be threatening and aggressive, scary really. He's never directly hit me, but can push me around if I'm in his way when he's angry. He blames me whenever anything goes wrong. The most recent being that he can't find his bank card so he's accused me of stealing it, and that I should F* off and never come back.
Last time I didn't go to see him on a Friday (usually see him at weekends) was because he had told me the exact same thing whilst I was at work through the day. So I went to stay at my friend's and had a few drinks so I couldn't drive. What followed was a night full of abuse from him, saying I'd ruined our relationship, I 'should have been there with him', I must be cheating on him, stuff like that. I tried to explain to him that he'd sent me a message saying 'don't come over tonight' and even sent a screenshot of said message, however, he refused to admit any responsibility and put all the blame onto me.
I don't really know what I'm asking for so I apologise in advance. The whole thing is stressing me out so much. I want to leave, I want to go away to a different country, but I feel like I am compelled to stay with him, mainly in case he harms himself. I feel like if he did commit suicide, it would be my fault and he would blame me and so would our friends; I feel like this would also destroy me mentally. He's affecting my performance at work, as he always argues with me when I'm at work (I think it's a jealousy thing as he doesn't work).
I would appreciate any response, I just want to know I'm not the only one going through this or who has ever experienced something like this. It's really driving me mad. Thank you for reading this rambling mess.