Want to leave him, feel like I can't

[UnknownLass]

Hi I've never posted here before but this seems like a good place and time to start.

I've been with my BF for 2 and a half years. We don't live together, I live at home with my mum and he lives on his own in a council house. I'm 23 and he's 25. He has really severe mental health problems and no family support, and is on benefits. The whole time we've been together I feel like I have been more like his mother/carer than his girlfriend. He's never had a job and spends all his benefits on stupid stuff, then has to get money off me and his friends for food etc. I honestly feel like if I wasn't there for him he would have fallen into loads of debt (he already has some rent arrears and minor debts) as he wouldn't have paid his bills, wouldn't be able to afford any basic necessities, and potentially may have started shoplifting or robbing people for money.
Another thing that worries me and the main thing that stops me from leaving him are his constant threats of suicide. He constantly tells me he wishes he was dead, wants to die, hates his life etc etc. He sometimes self harms and has tried to overdose on his medication before. He has no help with this, the mental health services in our area are crap and he's been referred to them before, but they keep discharging him from the service when he misses a single phone call from them. The doctors don't listen either and just give him a higher dose of antidepressants. As he has no family I feel like I've got no one else to support him or me with this. I'm literally the only person he will talk to about his problems.

His mental health causes him to be a total dickhead to me. He can scream and shout at me, be threatening and aggressive, scary really. He's never directly hit me, but can push me around if I'm in his way when he's angry. He blames me whenever anything goes wrong. The most recent being that he can't find his bank card so he's accused me of stealing it, and that I should F* off and never come back.

Last time I didn't go to see him on a Friday (usually see him at weekends) was because he had told me the exact same thing whilst I was at work through the day. So I went to stay at my friend's and had a few drinks so I couldn't drive. What followed was a night full of abuse from him, saying I'd ruined our relationship, I 'should have been there with him', I must be cheating on him, stuff like that. I tried to explain to him that he'd sent me a message saying 'don't come over tonight' and even sent a screenshot of said message, however, he refused to admit any responsibility and put all the blame onto me.

I don't really know what I'm asking for so I apologise in advance. The whole thing is stressing me out so much. I want to leave, I want to go away to a different country, but I feel like I am compelled to stay with him, mainly in case he harms himself. I feel like if he did commit suicide, it would be my fault and he would blame me and so would our friends; I feel like this would also destroy me mentally. He's affecting my performance at work, as he always argues with me when I'm at work (I think it's a jealousy thing as he doesn't work).

I would appreciate any response, I just want to know I'm not the only one going through this or who has ever experienced something like this. It's really driving me mad. Thank you for reading this rambling mess.

Oh my goodness you poor thing. That is way too much on your shoulders.

Can you go back to your mum and dad's house and then tell his parents he's on his own.

Please leave first and then ''sit with the discomfort'' later as they say. Get yourself away from the situation and then leave it alone.

It's going to feel extremely uncomfortable but that is because he has trained you to feel his emotions not your own. You will need emotional support. Tell him in advance that you have to block him for your own mental health.

He has to take responsibility for his own emotions.

@category12

says

''At a certain point, you're not helping or supporting someone, you're enabling them.

You cannot save someone. You cannot heal someone. They need to do the work themselves. You're not a shrink or a therapist.

You don't owe him a relationship. You're not responsible for him.''

This is it in a nutshell @UnknownLass

PS, you ask if anybody has ever been through this and yes, so many of us have.

Some abusive people cannot take responsibility for anything, ever, everything is somebody else's fault.

Read Lundy Bancroft ''why does he do that?'' on kindle on your phone when he's not with you.

My x could rant at me for hours on end for some perceived wrong. He would go on and on and on and on for hours and I would be dying inside, wondering if it would ever end.

He made it so hard to get away. I cried for him the night I left because he made me feel so guilty and so bad.
I had to leave first and heal later and that's what I hope you do too.

Hi everyone, thank you for your helpful replies.

Last night he started accusing me of doing something else I hadn't done, so I left. I booked a room in a Holiday Inn and stayed there by myself to have some peace. Of course now, he's convinced I was at the hotel having sex with somebody else and can't get it into his head that I just wanted to be alone!

He's spent all morning messaging me hounding me to go back. I really don't want to and I am standing my ground. I've told one of his friends to keep an eye on him. I think I'm going to drive to a friend's who lives about 50 miles away, then I will be further away from it.

He's constantly telling me now that I have abandoned him and I've left him in the shit just before Christmas etc. It's really hard to not feel guilty.

To the person who suggested speaking to his parents, I did this a couple months ago. I turned up at their house and spoke to his mother, who confirmed she wanted absolutely nothing to do with him, he can't turn up at their door etc. This disheartened me even more, I thought if I told her how bad he was she would change her tune, but she won't. He was kicked out at 17 and has never been back.

It's just so hard :( but thank you everyone, I think you have all given me the bit of courage that I needed. I'm just so scared I'll eventually go back.

LTB

Tell him you have 100% decided and don’t respond to any more messages. You will have to be determined.

he's not your responsibility. he is an adult. if he needs help he can see a doctor.

You’ve done very well to get away from him. His mother sounds rotten but you cannot be responsible for his wellbeing because it will destroy you and in the long term allows him to stay stuck. He needs to fix himself. Be very kind to yourself over the coming months - you’ve been through an awful lot and need to nurture yourself.