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Relationships

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Original poster

I don’t want to go in a date today with my ‘new man’

34 replies

1CantPickAName · 13/12/2019 08:17

I went on a ‘first’ date mid November and we got on great (I say ‘first’ date because we actually met in 2017 but it wasn’t the right time for me, my marriage had just broken down. We got back in contact in September).
Our first date was to a cute boutique restaurant near me which I booked and he paid for. Since then I’ve seen him twice, once for lunch and once to take my dogs to the wood both times my suggestion although he is always asking when he is going to see me next. He works strange hours and I have kids so we haven’t, yet, been able to date in the traditional sense (dinner in a Saturday night sort of thing).
We have both taken today off work so we can spend the whole day together. It was his idea and I was looking forward to spending time with him, although we like about half an hours drive away from each other, we both can easily travel into London so I was getting excited about what he could have planned. Anyway, he initially asked me if we could go out in the evening instead because he had somewhere he wanted to take me, it would have been a bit of a faff to sort out my kids and pets but I would definitely have done it. He then tells me that he’s having trouble with the website and would I mind booking it (he wasn’t asking me to pay for it), I was a bit put out tbh, i just thought why is he asking me to book my own ‘surprise’, surely he has a friend who could book it for him. But I looked at the bigger picture, maybe it’s a show and he is having trouble navigating the website? I figured it must be good if we’ve both taken the day off work and he’s changing plans to the evening. So I agreed to look at it, he wanted me to book a steakhouse close to his house! I was so annoyed!!! We live near one of the most vibrant cities in the world and the only thing he could come up with is his local steakhouse! I told him no, I couldn’t make the evening and sent him some ideas of places I’d like to go, seeing as he hadn’t come up with anything. His response to those was that he would be happy to do anything I want to do but he didn’t pick one or do anything about booking anything.

So we are due to go out today and nothing is booked or planned and I’m really annoyed. I’m self employed do it had cost me money to take the day off, I’ve paid to put my dogs into doggie daycare and I’ve paid for after school Childcare.
Our last conversation was last night and he just reiterated that he is happy to do what I want to do, but I wanted him to organise something. I don’t know how I feel about him now?

Am I being ridiculous to feel let down?

I could meet him and do something I want to do, a museum or fancy lunch somewhere, but quite frankly, I don’t want to.

WWYD?

OP posts:

JarofHearts13 · 13/12/2019 08:21

Maybe he's like me and gets a bit anxious and indecisive. If you like him, given you've already booked doggie day care and after school care I'd think it's worth going out and seeing how it goes.

lionroarr · 13/12/2019 08:24

Well if you didn't want to do what he suggested and brought your own ideas to the table, why don't you book it?

LoonyLunaLoo · 13/12/2019 08:24

Sounds like he’ll have a lucky escape if you don’t go tbh! You sound like a spoilt princess, you want him to do all the work, then you’re not happy with what he decides...

lionroarr · 13/12/2019 08:25

He can't win. You want to do what you want to do, without arranging it and you want him to read your mind and arrange a big surprise

LLMD · 13/12/2019 08:26

He probably doesn’t want to decide something because you hated his last idea.

Even though you didn’t tell him you were annoyed by the steakhouse idea he will have got on to it, you could do evening one minute then couldn’t once you knew where you were going and then you suggested other things to do.

He’s letting you pick because you’re fussy, I think.

Pancakeflipper · 13/12/2019 08:28

Tell him your ideas. In fairness he did think and try to book something. It didn't meet your expectations. He might be too worried to book something else thinking you'd hate that idea too. He might have no imagination. He might be clueless to what you'd like.

Or cancel him out. He sounds to be frustrating you.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 13/12/2019 08:29

Can you just enjoy a spa day? If you're not feeling it don't force it. But then again I've just come out of a horrendous relationship so I'm slightly biased!!!

NaturalDisasters · 13/12/2019 08:30

I’d ditch him. His passivity, low energy and indecisiveness would drive me crazy. I want someone who is equally driving our relationship, not someone who is waiting for me to tell him what to do. You’ve put about a thousand times more effort into this date than he has so far. Plus he sounds dull. You have London at your feet, and he wants to go to his local steakhouse? And then doesn’t pick up on any of your suggestions.

Also, in two dates, that’s two bookings you’ve made — isn’t that odd? I mean, is he illiterate, or can’t use the telephone or something? If it was a steakhouse, surely it’s not a matter of navigating a complicated website, and he could just have called?

NurseButtercup · 13/12/2019 08:30

I’m self employed do it had cost me money to take the day off, I’ve paid to put my dogs into doggie daycare and I’ve paid for after school Childcare.

You've done all of this so I would still meet up with him and spend the day together.

I completely understand your frustration and disappointment regarding is lack of imagination - I find that men like this are either 1.Tightfisted 2. A bit dim. 3.Lazy and want you to do all the thinking & planning.

If this is a deal breaker for you then don't see him again after today.

NaturalDisasters · 13/12/2019 08:31

But the OP told him several things she’d like to do. He hasn’t booked any.

EvaHarknessRose · 13/12/2019 08:31

This is what it's about, deciding if you are compatible. If you would feel relieved not to go, then why persist at this early stage. And if his website booking skills are important, then they are important. You don't want to be his mum.

Lampan · 13/12/2019 08:38

You say early in your post that you haven’t yet had a proper ‘dinner’ date. It sounds like he was trying to arrange a dinner date and suddenly this isn’t what you want either.
I think you are losing sight of the bigger picture. Is he a nice man? Do you enjoy his company? If so, it’s not really important if his taste in restaurants isn’t very imaginative, given that he sound like he would be happy for you to choose somewhere instead.
Dates don’t need to be surprises or treats. Some people genuinely prefer to go along with a suggestion rather than come up with a plan. You have to decide what your priorities are here.

CruellaDeVille2019 · 13/12/2019 08:39

If you aren't feeling it, bin him off. Book something you would like to do yourself to make your day off worthwhile. A spa day, day Christmas shopping or anything else that takes your fancy.

notnowmaybelater · 13/12/2019 08:41

It doesn't really matter who's "right" but you do sound incompatible. Agreeing to book the day off work then changing plans to evening then suggesting something very mundane for the evening does sound very frustrating - either he's got no sense of initiative or he got a better offer (or perhaps was asked to work and hasn't the strength of character to say no) for the daytime...

Do something on your own to enjoy your free day in London. Catch the first off peak train and plan and book on the way.

Dating is meant to be about learning whether you're compatible. You've learnt that you aren't, so in that way the process has been successful. Tell him you're not compatible and make a clean break and move on. Have a great day out- I'm sure you'll think if a worthwhile use of your day.

ballsdeep · 13/12/2019 08:41

Christ you sound hard work. Let him go and find someone who actually likes him

WitsEnding · 13/12/2019 08:41

I'd think he was married or hiding something - being unavailable, not wanting to leave an electronic/paper trail of dates.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Treat yourself instead.

Ohyesiam · 13/12/2019 08:56

I don’t get why it all hinges on him arranging things, and it sounds like he doesn’t either. It is a slightly obscure angle to come from.

Have you explicitly said you’re only interested if he comes up with the idea and arranged it all without running it past you? Because he’s not going to intuit that.

Fine if that’s What you want, but it doesn’t sounds like he’ll give it to you without a lot of coaching.

Ohyesiam · 13/12/2019 08:59

But the OP told him several things she’d like to do. He hasn’t booked any.
But neither has the op. She rejected the steak house idea so he probably wants her to pick a thing she would like to do.
It sounds like the unspoken rule fir op is
“ surprise me with something that will blow me away”
And for date man is
“ let’s fine something we’d like to do together”

Incompatible

ChristmasFluff · 13/12/2019 09:01

I'd end it too.

There are so many threads on here of women in relationships moaning about partners/husbands who don't take the initiative and surprise them. That it is always them arranging things for the family or them as a couple. The partners are always 'happy to go along with it'.

They aren't happy with that situation, I wouldn't be, and I don't think you would be either. This is who he is, he's showing you early doors, and so now is the time to decide if this is what you want.

MotherHeggy · 13/12/2019 09:14

Is it possible that he's married or in a relationship? Hence the "working strange hours" and getting you to book things? I'm afraid that was my first question after reading your post.

onanothertrain · 13/12/2019 09:43

You sound like hard work. Why does it always be what you want to do? If you're that bothered just suggest something or you could surprise him. Doesn't sound like you like him very much though.

kenandbarbie · 13/12/2019 09:57

You sound hard work, if you're that fussy about your venue / activity book it yourself.

NaturalDisasters · 13/12/2019 10:00

But neither has the op. She rejected the steak house idea so he probably wants her to pick a thing she would like to do.

The OP booked the first date. She was the one who suggested the two things they did on the next two dates, because even though he kept saying that he wanted to see her, he didn't propose anything. Then they arrange to take a day off to spend together, but then the guy says he wants to take her out to somewhere in the evening instead. OP agrees, even though she'd gone to a lot of trouble to take the day off, arrange childcare pet cate etc, because she thinks it must be something good if he's blown off the whole planned day for an evening event, which is supposed to be a 'surprise' for her. Then he says he can't navigate the website, and it turns out that with the whole riches of London within reach, he's chosen his local steakhouse.

When she says she's not up for that, and suggests several other things for the originally planned day, he says he's happy with any of them, but doesn't choose one or make any move to book anything,

Meanwhile the OP is left feeling like the mother of a disorganised 12 year old and seeing down the years to being married to someone who just watches TV and says things like 'Do I have a clean shirt?'

MarianaMoatedGrange · 13/12/2019 10:02

I'd be worried that he thought if he asked you to book it, you'd pay for it too!

CopperPottery · 13/12/2019 10:20

He's either married or lazy, go have a fun day out on your own

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