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Original poster

Can you get to 40 and never have experienced love?

30 replies

BleakHouse119 · 12/12/2019 22:47

I met a dear friend tonight. He has a girlfriend who he has been with for over 10 years. He told me tonight that he’s not sure whether he has ever felt love. He says that he’s said it many times but not meant it. I presume that this means that he doesn’t love his girlfriend. He’s 40.

Are there some people who just don’t feel love? I’m perplexed. Can you get to 40 and never have experienced love?

For full disclosure I am very attracted to him.

OP posts:
DorothyParkersCat · 12/12/2019 23:24

I think this is questin no one can answer actually.

It's like that thing about colour blindness.

You and I see a colour that we both call blue. We call it blue because we are socialised to call it blue. The sky on a sunny day we are told is blue. Manchester City play in blue. The Mumsnet banner is blue.

You and I have no idea whether we are both seeing "blue" or whether you are seeing the colour that I actually see as green.

Love is the same. It depends what you mean by it and how you feel it.

Describe what you mean by "being in love" to your friend and see what he says.

being in love could mean to different people
lust at first sight
lust that has grown over time
affection for a friend
a sense of caring for this person above all others but absent lust
lust + caring
affection + caring
lust + affection
lust + affection + caring

and so on.

None of us knows what the other feels.

Human error is to assume that others feel what we feel, see what we see, act as we would act.

Ask him not us.

GoGoJo · 12/12/2019 23:31

He's spinning you a line to justify shagging you without leaving his girlfriend m. It's not even particularly original.

Sounds like you might fall for it-Don't. In a few years time he'll be spinning the same line about you to someone else.

Pinkbonbon · 12/12/2019 23:39

Yeah I'd be thinking the same as gogojo. Next it'll be 'but you really GET me you know" lol. Or a scree of complaints about how difficult his partner is or how they haven't had sex in years.

Feelingabitashamed · 13/12/2019 01:36

I suppose love is subjective but this is a bit odd if he is telling his girlfriend otherwise. As though he is declaring himself available for extra curricular sex as he feels no loyalty to her but warning you not to expect much more than that. Has he felt familial love or platonic love for friends?

On the other hand though, I dated a man a couple of years ago who was pushing 40 and who i don't believe had ever experienced romantic love.

He gave me details of his previous love life but had been fully focussed on a challenging career that had left no time for relationships. If I am honest I think he had been pushed somewhat into the career by his parents and it was a real stretch for him although he was doing well, so study etc had taken up all his time. I can see how it had happened

Has this man had similar distractions that have prevented him getting attached?

SleepWarrior · 13/12/2019 01:51

If you are very attracted to him and he's telling you he's never felt love, then I think your response should be to suggest he leaves his gf if he doesn't love her, and then you stay well away from him.

If he's a sleazebag who's spinning you a tale of woe before hopping into bed with you, then stay away for ever and don't give the creep another thought.

If he's a good person who's actually confiding in you about something he's concerned about, then you hanging around will either a) torture you because he's not leaving her b) torture you because your feelings are not reciprocated, or c) muddy the waters between the end of this relationship and the start of a new one with you, which is always bad news.

So, tell him he should leave her if he doesn't love her, take a step back without any high hopes, see what happens.

Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 08:03

DorothyParkersCat
Yes maybe he has really experienced what I would call love but perhaps he would call infatuated, a chemical cascade or deep fondness.

OP posts:
Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 08:04

He's spinning you a line to justify shagging you without leaving his girlfriend
I don’t think so. In the same conversation he said how much he hates cheats about 4 times!

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Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 08:06

Or a scree of complaints about how difficult his partner is or how they haven't had sex in years.
He has never put his girlfriend down in front of me but also he never says anything about how great she is and we have had many many hours of conversations about relationships in which he could have said something nice about her. He’s quite open about the fact that they have regular sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 08:11

I suppose love is subjective but this is a bit odd if he is telling his girlfriend otherwise.
Yes. I should have said, does your girlfriend know that you have never felt love before? I didn’t because it seemed a bit brutal and cruel and I suppose that I didn’t want to hear him turn around and say, “Oh I didn’t mean X - I adore her!!”. He definitely wouldn’t have said that but still.

As though he is declaring himself available for extra curricular sex as he feels no loyalty to her but warning you not to expect much more than that.
But what about how much he hates cheats and cheating? It doesn’t fit. He genuinely believes that. It’s not a line.

Has he felt familial love or platonic love for friends?
Absolutely. He has a niece who is his world. He adores her. He said that a male friend of us broke his heart when he betrayed him. He had a couple of exes who he got over pretty rapidly.

OP posts:
Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 08:13

Has this man had similar distractions that have prevented him getting attached?
Yes and no.
Yes - a busy, intense job.
No - because he prioritises friends and family over the job so wouldn’t let his job ruin his chances of a relationship. If anything he’s a serial monogamist.

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Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 08:16

If you are very attracted to him and he's telling you he's never felt love, then I think your response should be to suggest he leaves his gf if he doesn't love her, and then you stay well away from him.
I think he would say that he’s just very rational and pragmatic. They get along okay. They have regular sex. She makes him dinner. She doesn’t give him a hard time. They own a flat together. He thinks that most couples aren’t really in love so why would he throw away a comfortable relationship for nothing? And in his experience of ‘no love’, he has no reason to expect a loving alternative.

OP posts:
Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 08:19

If he's a good person who's actually confiding in you about something he's concerned about,
He is a good person. He wasn’t concerned. This is just the way life is for him. He suspects that he underfeels things and I overfeel them.

then you hanging around will either a) torture you because he's not leaving her
Maybe
b) torture you because your feelings are not reciprocated,
I’m not sure how he feels. I used to think that he was attracted to me physically and emotionally but now I’m not so sure.
or c) muddy the waters between the end of this relationship and the start of a new one with you, which is always bad news.
I don’t think he would consider that.

OP posts:
MonstranceClock · 13/12/2019 08:21

What was his childhood like? Myself and my friend had a pretty detattched childhood. We both have said that we don’t feel love. We married men that we liked and who were good fathers and men we enjoyed spending time with.

ChuckleBuckles · 13/12/2019 08:49

He's spinning you a line to justify shagging you without leaving his girlfriend
I don’t think so. In the same conversation he said how much he hates cheats about 4 times

Yeah that is another line OP, the whole hating cheats/would never cheat is a set up to make you believe that he is a good guy but he will shag you because you are oh so special, but just don't tell his gf like a good girl, cause he is just soooo torture with feelings, you know. You are walking straight into affair territory here.

FAQs · 13/12/2019 08:55

Not sure where the attempting to shag is coming from, but anyway yes I think you can be indifferent to love.

ChuckleBuckles · 13/12/2019 08:55

They get along okay. They have regular sex. She makes him dinner. She doesn’t give him a hard time

This makes him sound a right cunt, how can you feel attracted to a man who willingly admits to using this woman for the past 10 years? He has spent the last 10 years been served up dinner and her not making life difficult for him, regular sex and he is telling you all this, can you not see how awful your friend is?

milliefiori · 13/12/2019 08:57

I agree with @ChuckleBuckle that 'hating cheats' is another line. He mentioned it four times. So clearly he is introducing the notion of cheating into your mind. He's enabling himself to justify rejecting you if you make a move and he;s not in the mood, or making yu feel really special because he;s so overwhelmed by you his morality dissolves. It will come back as soon as you;ve shagged. As he says, he hates cheats. When he no longer wants to be one.

I could be wrong but this is textbook lazy infidelity chat up fodder.

WitsEnding · 13/12/2019 09:08

In my view some people are sufficiently self-absorbed not to be capable of loving another person deeply.

Perpetuallysingle · 13/12/2019 10:42

I'm 40 and have been married ...and thought at the time it was love. But it blatantly wasn't in either direction. I have just met a new guy though and am hopeful that will change....

aggitatedstate · 13/12/2019 10:47

Yes! I haven't. Think I'm in incapable

breakfastpizza · 13/12/2019 11:24

It's not at all unusual, but I think there is still a taboo to saying it out loud. As if there is something wrong with you if you've not met someone you feel that strongly about.

Expectations are a lot higher nowadays - a lot of men think they are entitled to a certain physical standard in a partner, when they are not even close to being the equivalent. Women are not as financially dependent and can be pickier.

Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 11:44

What was his childhood like?
I think it was decent. I think that he would say he had a happy childhood. His Dad was unwell for part of the time but I don’t think there was an absence of love in his home. He has a sister who seems well balanced.

OP posts:
VeryWetDriveHome · 13/12/2019 12:54

I haven't ever experienced love.

I've thought I've fallen in love a couple of time but, on reflection, I suspect it was only lust!

I've never loved anyone deeply or had my heart broken or felt lost. I've occasionally thought I was but get over breakups very quickly - within days really.

But I've never grieved for anyone who has died either. They've just not been there anymore.

A couple of years ago, I was really bothered by the fact I'd never loved or been loved and felt bereft at the thought I'd likely die without ever having experienced it. Nowadays, I tend to think it would be nice but have no expectations of it.

Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 14:35

can you not see how awful your friend is?
I should do.

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Original poster
BleakHouse119 · 13/12/2019 14:36

So clearly he is introducing the notion of cheating into your mind.
We chat about it a lot. I have been cheated on. We know a lot of mutual acquaintances who are cheating.

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