For those who had 'good' parents...

[Mumtoone4]

What would you say defined them as 'good'? I know it's very subjective, but I'm interested to know for instance why you consider them to have been good, what things they did for you, support etc?

I feel so awful saying it but I really can't think of anything that my mother did that would make her a 'good' parent, lack of support, didn't show much interest or take me out etc.

I've got a 2 year old and it fills me with dread thinking that i may end up like my mum. I'm trying to show my DD as much interest as possible, take her out a lot etc but I'd just like to know what things in particular made you appretiate/respect your parents in what they've done for you (or even what they didn't do and you've learnt from)

Felt so secure it never crossed my mind not to
Felt completely loved
Encouraged to be independent
Trusted
Have a very strong sense of self. Must be partly down to these, at least
Very, very lucky in summary.

My mum, in particular, just listened to me. I'd get home from school, and she'd just listen, while she cooked, or ironed. No particular advice, or suggestions, just listened.

We we still chat every day.

I know that I am loved unconditionally. Nothing I do will ever stop my mum & dad loving and caring for me - as much now age 47 as at age 4.

I think when you have that solid foundation it sets you up for life.

I had one good parent. His love was and is unconditional. He taught me how to have loving and respectful relationships with people and modelled important qualities like grace, forgiveness, compassion, friendliness, kindness, rationality, proportionality, self discipline, honour etc. The other parent was terrible. Her love was very narcissistic and frequently withdrawn if I failed to reflect her in a way she enjoyed. She was frequently unkind to me and pushy, telling me that I wasn’t good enough and punishing me for honest mistakes. But, despite it being unpleasant at the time having her as a parent was invaluable. I learned how important it was to be a good person like my father and have tried my best to be like that.

OK Deep breaths.
You don't have to be good. You only have to be good enough.
With very little kids seeing to their basic needs consistently is fine.
If you can do reliable boundaries and gentle discipline all the better.
If you show also an interest in what they're doing and talk to them about it- thats the cherry on the cake.
As they get older just continue to take an interest in what they're up to, talk to them about the things that matter to them. Make what resources as you can available to them to pursue their interests.
Stay consistent and keep talking.
You got this

Watching with interest. My parents did their best, they did their 'job' so I can't fault them for that. But I didn't feel loved, liked, heard, or that I was a good person whose opinions, feelings, thoughts and choices mattered. Still struggle with self-esteem and other issues today.

But I don't mean to derail this thread. I want to see the good things!

As for what they did that was "good", they were predictable, set boundaries, picked me up when I fell down (both physically and mentally), cheered me on, did what they said they would.

@unlimiteddilutingjuice thank you.

@mynameiswah, I can very much relate, I always had food of the table, washed etc but emotionally I was quite left to it. At no point did I ever feel loved and still don't! I too have problems because of this and think that your parents have such a strong influence on modelling who you are!

My dad wasn't a classically good parent, he drank and was flakey and unpredictable, had a temper and poor mental health and worked abroad, I never actually lived with him after the age of 5. BUT I knew, with certainty, that he adored me and would die for me. He was interested in me. When I was with him, he cared about little things like making sure I walked on the inside away from the traffic, that my coat was done up if it was cold, that I had enough to eat. He made me laugh. He told me I was better than the bullies and that life would get better. He was the only adult I ever had real conversations with. He listened. My mother and stepfather hated me. So to me, my dad was the "good parent" even though according to all standard measures he was a bit of a nightmare.

Both my parents made me feel that they loved me and that their motivation was love. They made some very poor decisions sometimes but even from a tiny age i could tell that they were just trying to get it right but it messed up rather than trying to mess up or not caring. They seemed to like my company, listen to my opinions and take them into account or at least explain why they couldnt.

Loved unconditionally, encouraged to do whatever I wanted - academically, work wise, travel etc. Fairly strict but with sensible boundaries. Encouraged to be independent & develop self esteem. Stood by me when I broke the Law & my first marriage broke down. Financially supportive without spoiling me. I feel very lucky when I read threads on Mumsnet about poor parenting, and I am sure I was the usual challenging teenager. And I am still very lucky to have my parents alive, they are late 80s & I am over 60 .

I didn't- but I've been a good mum!

Teach your child to think for themselves- to make good choices. Many children learn to do as they are told, or not, rather than to weigh up what the best thing to do is. As they get older you have to let them make their own choices- discuss why you are worried about their choice, but accept that ultimately it's their choice.

I worried so much about whether I was in trouble or not, whether I'd been good enough, that I didn't work out what I wanted from life. I was a people pleaser for fear of getting in trouble.

Loved me unconditionally but gave me clear, consistent boundaries. Treated me like an intelligent human being. No judgement at all that they weren’t prepared to explain. Overtly proud of me (which embarrassed me hugely as a teenager). Picked me up emotionally without judgement through my various teenage disasters. Let me move away properly as an adult but always available. Adore them and miss my DDad so much.

My parents were hard working although they never really got anywhere in life.
They both supported me when I had dd,I was still at school. They were devastated BUT very supportive. We both never went without and when I moved out my parents house years later they helped me furnish our first home. They also helped with childcare when I got a job.
My mum had 6 kids and tried her best to help us all. My dad did prefer the pub to the house but he wasn't a bad person.

I worked from age 12, despite my parents being well off financially. From age 12 we got all the basics + sports gear etc, necessities for a healthy life but if we wanted expensive clothes, the newest gadget, anything that wasn't necessary we had to save up buy it ourselves.
It sounds harsh but I really thank them for it now. Its the reason I have the drive I do, and am as successful as I am.
Also, as per previous posters, I was unconditionally loved. I knew and still know that nothing I could do could change their love for me.

I always gelt completely loved. Never questioned it.
I aways felt like they were interested in me
They were thoughtful about things i liked
They didn't argue they showed love to one another & acted like a team
They showed me how to care about those less fortunate than myself
They read loads of books to me
They were fun & entertaining
They were interesting & intelligent
They showed me that life is not about having material things, its about having love.
They let me be myself
They brought me up to believe that I can do anything if i put my mind to it.
They were awesome basically & I feel incredibly lucky to have them.

Unending love, emotional, monetary and practical support. Belief in me. A lot of fun times.

They're not perfect but I'd definitely say they're good.

The fact that you worry about being like your mum probably means you won't. I have abusive parents and my children tell me I'm not like that. Show interest in what your dd is saying, remember to praise the good, a lot, be specific about the good things you see, have a routine, cook nice teas, give cuddles, making sure they let go first, be her advocate, make sure she knows you have her her back, do things together, be her cheerleader and make sure she knows her worth.
I base all my parenting on what I would have wanted and the opposite of what my parents would do!

My parents did things that were wrong but I always knew they loved and as an adult I can see that they were doing their best

They celebrate every part of me. I know my mum loves me with a crazy intensity but she also has pushed me to be independent and adventurous in life. Both my mum and step dad are generous with their time and give the most thoughtful gifts and handwritten cards. They have never made me feel bad or guilty about spending time away from them, and I think it’s this freedom that means I speak to my mum every day on the phone. She presents herself as a very strong, capable and loving woman and this has reassured me forever.

I went to counselling as i had a crisis in my mid twenties that i would turn into my (nasty, lying, narc-esque) mother.

The counsellor was wonderful and another pp has already said, her first comment was, the very fact you have had the thought and fear of that happening means its highly unlikely you will turn into your mother.

On the contrary i was daddys little princess and he always made me feel special. He would be sympathetic if i scraped my knee and give me ice cream (Because icecream fixes everything) whilst he cleaned and plastered my knee and hugged me better.
I went everywhere with him that i could and we would hang out every saturday. I would go to work with him in his van as a youngster and we would run amock in the sweetshop when work was done. We would then head to the pub for 1 pint and we would talk about all sorts and he would listen to my views and tell me interesting history. My happiest memories as a child were being with my dad who was really my best mate. Plus, we both thought my mum was a dick

Mine weren‘t perfect but they were consistent, honourable, truthful, effortful and brave. I‘ve got my issues but thanks to them my shoulders are kind of broad

My mum supported us in every way possible.
She did everything with us.
Got a job at the playgroup.
Dinner lady at our school.
Treasurer at dancing.
Same at Girls Brigade.
She was there every step of the way.
My dad worked hard but when home he loved us and looked after us. He even made our clothes for us. Did most of the cooking when home.
Lots of love and cuddles and family days out and holidays.
We didn't have loads of money but we did have all the love and support we could possibly want.
I've lost my mum now to Alzheimer's but my dad still supports me and I do the same for him.

I would agree with the comment that my parents ‘celebrated everything I did’, they were always very supportive even though we are quite different people (completely opposite political views, interesting discussions ahead this weekend ), they are much more ‘cultured’ than I am, ie; love theatre, ballet etc which doesn’t interest me. I am very involved in Church and faith activities which they are not.

But those ‘differences’ have never bothered them, they see me as an individual and respect my choices and interests, as I respect their’s.

I think that’s an important factor and one I need to be conscious of as my own DS is a very different personality to me. Some parents seem to want their children to be a ‘mini me’, I just don’t think that is respecting people as individuals.

They were always had my back, I always knew they loved me and they wanted me to be happy, healthy and successful in whatever path I chose.

They aren't perfect, their judgement is sometimes a bit skewed but I can always count on their love and support. I hope our children grow up feeling that way about us.