For those who had 'good' parents...

[Mumtoone4]

What would you say defined them as 'good'? I know it's very subjective, but I'm interested to know for instance why you consider them to have been good, what things they did for you, support etc?

I feel so awful saying it but I really can't think of anything that my mother did that would make her a 'good' parent, lack of support, didn't show much interest or take me out etc.

I've got a 2 year old and it fills me with dread thinking that i may end up like my mum. I'm trying to show my DD as much interest as possible, take her out a lot etc but I'd just like to know what things in particular made you appretiate/respect your parents in what they've done for you (or even what they didn't do and you've learnt from)

It wasn't until I had my first child I realized my mum was actually distant and uncaring. Yes myself and siblings had our physical needs met. There was no cruelty or abuse, just uncared for and unprotected, left to my own devices. Never spoke about anything emotional, relationships, periods even.

There are some great threads on here about childhood emotional neglect that are really helpful.

Despite having disastrous relationships in the past, my relationship with my DC is very strong and loving.

Can I just say I have terrible self esteem. I was and still am loved unconditionally. My folks are solid and dependable and I know I can rely on them. I could not have asked for more. So I think the challenges we or our children face are not always down to the parenting.

Such an interesting question and really makes me think hard:
*Security of relationships between parents
*Able to laugh together
*Believing in me
*Encouraging me to do well and show empathy for others but not praising for every single thing
*Aware of why some children might behave badly ... they've got problems
*Kindness to animals and respect for the environment - now I realise what a lot my parents knew about the world which must have been passed on from their parents, and taking advantage of documentaries etc on TV
*Pointing out where I could expect to work, live, etc if I didnt try hard and achieve
*Actually moving because they were worried of the effect where we were living and the inward/claustrophobic community we were in.
*All the things like Christmas', pets, family activities, support and encouragement during school years and not letting me off the hook when I was lazy, naughty or wanted to wear inapprop clothes as a teen or being on the dad run for picking up from discos
*Support on things I was really upset over (but an ability to gauge what was significant) but not allowing me to wallow over eg the odd/unfair wrong telling off at school, "Oh well, think of the time you didnt get caught" or friendship tiff.
*Ability to make small things really special eg making my own little flowerbed and choosing the plants; mum's misshapen but delicious mincepies; cleaning something.

The very fact that you’re concerned about it shows that you’re in the “good” camp.
There may come a time when you look back and think you made the wrong decision over something, but if you do what you believe is the best thing at the time, then you’ve nothing to beat yourself up over.
Can you tell mine are grown up now!

I never doubted that she loved me. She lived her life focused on us above herself. Anyone who threatened our safety or welfare in any way, God help them. Hugs, kisses, bedtime stories. Food as love. Laughter. Forgiveness.

I feel like my parents were a good balance. My mum had (still has actually) a really good job and provided daily doses of love and attention and she was funny as heck even when she was knackered after work. My dad was the same, but he treated me and my sisters like princesses. He was always spoiling us (he was a tight arse sometimes and really extravagant other times but we wanted for nothing) however because he worked alot we mainly only got his time on weekends and even then it was limited because he liked his down time. I only have my DD so she is spoilt for time and attention and all that fun stuff. She is what I call my little best friend.

The Dad run for discos , I remember that, and at the time being mortified that it was always my Dad waiting outside the youth club to drive me and my friends home. Now with a teenager myself I can completely understand it and DH or I were often the parents picking DS and his friends up from ‘gatherings’.

I sometimes see on Mumsnet comments like ‘they are old enough to get themselves home, walk, get a taxi etc’ and I just think it is a caring thing to do for your children. Often we’ve given lifts to youngsters who seemed to have no idea of how they were meant to get home.

And now our DS can drive so he can pick us up if we want to go out for a drink .

My parents were good in the sense that we were safe, provided for, financially stable. rewarded with hobbies/toys/clothes we wanted etc. I was very lucky in that sense. But like many other PP what was missing was that feeling of being unconditionally loved. I remember being very young and feeling very alone and very unloved. This ended up coming out of me in my behaviour - to which I was branded as the "naughty kid" for most of my childhood!

Now I have a daughter of my own I am really trying not to make the mistakes my parents made. Always making sure that my little one has lots of cuddles and I tell her I love her all the time, even when she's driving me mad! I'm trying to do the right thing with the amount of attention I give her, how I discipline her and the things I say to her. Overall I never want her to feel sad or that mummy doesn't love her.

It's tough but we can only learn from our parents mistakes!

I have low self esteem, poor mental health and have struggled my entire life with what I now realise was a sense that I am not my own person, that I am here to be what other people want or do what other people want. In essence, I am co-dependent. As a mum now this understanding has shocked me into ensuring that I parent in a way that my children know that they are, first and foremost, people in their own right. That is my absolute priority. I try and meet their basic needs and hold routines (lightly) so their days are structured and predictable as much as possible. I hope they never question if they are loved 100% for being exactly as they are.