Can I save my marriage?

[HGranger]

I'm honestly at a loss and am desperate for some advice. I have been with my husband since I was 17, so over 13 years. We have been married for 3 and a half, we have a daughter who is nearly 2. Everything is horrid.

We are both fiery characters and have always argued. After we got married things deteriorated. I had a difficult upbringing, with alcoholic parents, who were physically and verbally abusive towards each other. As a kid I dreaded weekends. I have struggled with depression, anxiety and low self esteem, and will admit I am not the easiest person to live with.

He started to call me names, like delusional and pathetic during arguments after we married. Things got even worse when I was pregnant. He had no patience with me and got cross when I struggled to eat (he cooks) all the way through my pregnancy and had little or no energy.

But things really took a turn when I had our daughter. The name calling turned to fing bitch, dick and finally cnt, sometimes in front of our daughter. I know a word is just a word, but I also know him well enough to know his feelings on the word. He despises it and for most of our relationship, wouldn't have uttered it. He calls me a liar, he blames all our issues on my hormones, and he has refused to go to relate despite me suggesting it several times, and saying I felt it was the only way forward for our relationship.

I have looked at the feasibility of leaving, but then we will have a good few days, and my resolve, if I ever had any, disappears. He blames all our issues on having a child. And although I know he adores our daughter, I believe he resents me for the change she has brought to our lives. He even suggested recently that I forced him into having children, something I vehemently disagree with.

I am less than perfect and worry that the issues in our relationship are all in my head. Or that I am the cause. I can't see a way forward. I am now at the point where I don't want him to touch me. We have talked and he has said I make him miserable all the time.

Has anyone managed to rescue their marriage from a situation like this. Having been in a volatile and toxic environment when growing up, I am not at all of the opinion that staying together for the kids is the best thing all the time, however I have grown up with this man, loved him, adored him, had a child with him, spent nearly half my life with him, and just can't face throwing that away.

Why would you ?

He is abusing your daughter by making her witness his abuse of you.

I struggle to understand why you would want to save this car crash of a marriage, but if you do want to try, both of you have to be 100% committed to making it work or it will absolutely fail. One person cannot save a marriage.

'worry that the issues in our relationship are all in my head. '

Well, no, he does call you a cunt etc, that's the reality.

'Or that I am the cause.'

No, you don't move his mouth for him- he chooses to call you a cunt.

He doesn't even sound like he really likes his daughter.

This is verbal and emotional abuse, and a very nasty environment for you and your little girl to live in. Please leave- you're both worth it. xxxxx

You're being verbally and emotionally abused and you need to leave for your own sake and for your dd's sake.

This can't be the kind of life you want for her - when she grows up, do you want her to tolerate being treated the way your husband treats you?

Joint counselling is not a good idea where there is abuse.

Speak to Women's Aid. Leave.

Don’t do this to your daughter -
Don’t replicate your own childhood.
Look at a way to leave, this relationship is toxic and abusive

You came from a verbally abusive household. You are exposing your baby to a similar environment. Babies might not understand language but they can understand tone of voice, anger, aggression, fear and contempt.

A word is not just a word and there's something particularly unpleasant about name-calling - how old is he? 12?.

Words can be incredibly hurtful. Is he calling his work colleagues cnts? Does he call his parents cnts? His mates? I suspect not. But he thinks it's okay to call you that because he thinks his vile and abusive behaviour is okay. There's no way round that. And it's a really damaging atmosphere for you and your DD.

It is typical for an abuser's abusive behaviour to start or ratchet up when the DW is pregnant and when there are small children on the scene. Presumably because the abuser feels their partner is less likely to walk away in those circumstances. But women do, and they feel better for it.

As for not throwing away the time you have already spent with him - google "sunk cost fallacy" and you'll get the point. You can't possibly think of sacrificing your future happiness on the basis of the years you have already spent with him. You're still young. You've already spent nearly half your life with him but by my calculation you're only 30 now - you could easily have another 50-60 years ahead of you - even more. Do you want to be looking back at the age of, say, 80 and realising that you have wasted over 60 years of your life with someone who thought it was okay to throw the nastiest abuse at you? Life isn't a dress rehearsal.

Of course you have good times some of the time - it's rare for someone to be vile all the time - surely no-one would stick around for that. Abusive people keep their partners with them by periodic displays of love and affection. But the test of a relationship is not how good it is when things are going well, it's how bad it is when things are going badly. This relationship sounds toxic and your partner sounds immature and selfish. You can't fix his behaviour - that has to some from him and he has already made clear that he has no interest in sharing responsibility for and trying to remedy the problems in your relationship. (Of course you're not perfect btw, none of us are - it's not a reason to abuse you).

Sounds like it's time to cut your losses and move on. Plan the practicalities of leaving carefully. Take legal advice. Be careful what you tell him as he may become physically violent if he knows you're planning to end the relationship. However, if, as he claims, you're making him miserable, perhaps he would be willing to move out. If he is routinely abusive, you may be able to obtain a non-molestation order and an occupation order which would require him to leave the home anyway (the National Centre for Domestic Violence would be able to give you more information about that possibility).

Great post Dery. Op, you say that you grew up with him. How old was he when you met?

He was 18 when we met.

You have grown u, but he hasn't.

You are only 30.... Can you imagine spending another 40-50 years with him?
Most relationships that start in teenage years don’t last. Aren’t meant to last. People grow up and change.
When you were 17 you needed some sort of escape from your family life. You found it in him.
What you need now is a grown up man for a partner. Not what you have there.
There is no future in this.

You've been groomed, abused and had your self-esteem trampled.

Get you and your child as far away from this arsehole as soon as you can, and never look back.

You can have a better life. You can do this.

@dery thank you for your response. I suppose I know all of this. But I'm terrified. I'm terrified that this is all in my head, although the name calling obviously isn't. I dont feel I can talk to my family. They aren't his biggest fan, and I think they would go ballistic if I told them half of it, although i think they suspect some of it. They don't get on particularly well and I dont need to make things worse at the moment. My husband would be livid if he though I had talked to them about issues in our relationship. He was angry when I confessed I told a friend a few years ago.

Also the thought of splitting and being on my own is terrifying. I have been with him since I was 17. I did live on my own for a couple of years, but have lived with him for nearly 10 years. I wouldn't know where to begin. I have looked at properties to rent (we currently own our own home to add to the complications). As well I went back to work part time after returning from maternity leave. The battle to get part time hours was complicated, long and stressful, and I dont relish the idea of trying to have a conversation with my boss about returning to work full time. I think it would go down like a lead balloon. I honestly dont really know what my options are.

Not RTFT.

It is not all in your head. He is abusive. Leaving him or getting him to leave will be best for you and best for your daughter. She is young enough for the shit that's going on around her to not damage her, but the longer you leave it, she won't be.

The options are:
You and your daughter leave
or
He leaves.

Please confide in someone.
Your husband is abusing you.
My husband would be livid if he though I had talked to them about issues in our relationship This statement shows that too.
You should be able to discuss what ever you want with who ever you want.
He is not the boss of you and who you talk to.

Start to look at what separation would mean for you.
Speak with CAB and see what you would be entitled to.
Do you know how much he earns?
He would have to pay you maintenance as well.

But for now start to keep a diary / log of all incidents.
This is to prove to yourself that you are not making it up or going mad. He is causing you to think like this.

Please also contact Womens Aid and talk to them. They can help you with an exit plan.
Speak to them about the 'Freedom Programme' and do it as soon as possible.
Your 'normal', due to your upbringing is very warped. Your boundaries will be all over the place.
Get educated on abuse and start to put a plan in place to free yourself from it.

Google 'the cycle of abuse' because your DD will chose a man just like this if you remain with him and model this 'relationship' to her. And so the cycle will continue.
Show her that women don't have to put up with being abused.
That we are strong and can be independent.
Don't let her have this as her upbringing. It's damaged you. It will do the same to her.
She deserves far better and so do you!!!!

@HGranger - of course it’s very hard to move on but the alternative will cause far too much damage to you and your DD. You can get away from the situation - she can’t and needs you to protect her. He knows what he’s doing is wrong - that’s why he wants you to keep it secret - and yet he’s unwilling to fix it despite you asking him to go to counselling on multiple occasions. If he won’t try to fix it for the sake of his little DC then there’s no hope for him.

Try turning it round - rather than being terrified of leaving, consider how awful it would be to live through decades of this and have your DD replicate the situation in her relationships. Read Women Who Love Too Much re the dynamics of such relationships and how to break the cycle for yourself.

Is there anyone who you can talk to who can be trusted to listen to you without confronting your P and causing the situation to escalate before you are ready to take action? That could be a helpful outlet.

In the meantime, as others have said: keep a diary of the incidents because it sounds abusive and you may be able to get a non-mol and an occupation order so that he has to leave the house.

If you have anyone supportive in HR at your job, you may want to outline the situation to them so that they can support you if you do decide to try to change your working hours.

It is probably safer NOT to tell your partner about your plans as he may become dangerous to you. Get your important documents together in one place and a few vital things you need for your DD just in case you need to leave in a hurry.

If you talk to Women’s Aid they can help you with an exit plan.

OP, you had a shit childhood and are setting your DD up for similar.

You are both being abused by this awful man.

Please get out for your daughter's sake, if not your own.

Poor child.
💐

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here from you two?. I feel most sorry for your DD in all this because both you and her dad her are failing her. Do not keep on showing her this relationship model you are currently in. She certainly won't say "thanks mum" to you for doing that and she could well wonder of you why you put him before her thus ruining your own relationship with her also. These are questions you could no doubt ask your own mother as well.

Your alcoholic parents taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships, not least of all codependency and feeling super responsible for him. However, after living with them, this 18 year old who showed you some affection was a far more attractive proposition than life at home. You sadly went from one abusive situation into yet another and your own poor boundaries made you far more vulnerable as a result. He knew this and targeted you deliberately to abuse.

His needs here are NOT more important than yours or your child's. Your last sentence in your initial post is the sunken costs fallacy and that is basically causing you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Fear of him and fear of the unknown and or being "alone" keep women within abusive relationships amongst other reasons but these are still not reasons to remain with him. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable.

The first step out is often the hardest one to take but take it you must.
Please contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 because they will help you and they will help you with a safe plan of exiting this relationship. I would also look into obtaining non molestation and occupation orders against this man too.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law. Exercise these fully and seek legal advice from a Solicitor as soon as you are able to do so. Knowledge here too is power.

Do not keep his dirty secrets for him. You do not have to manage his shame. It has muddled you into thinking it is somehow your shame, your secrets. It isn't. It isn't you that has done this.

You need to start to tell people what is going on. Your friends, your family, work colleagues - everyone. Tell them exactly what you have told us.

This will let the light in. Abuse flourishes in the dark. In the dark you can only speak to yourself and so you worry that it is all in your head. You need to get this all out of the little secret box in your head, out into the real world. Then you - and everyone else - will clearly see it for what it is. Abuse.

Do NOT keep his dirty secrets for him.

H not wanting you to talk to people about about how you're feeling is him being a controlling bastard who doesn't want you to see what a horrible person he really is. You absolutely have the right to tell whoever you want about what's going on in your life. He is scared that people will really see what a dick he is.

Hi OP

Imagine your daughter ends up with a man who treats her like he treats you. Because that is what is likely to happen if you don't leave, because it will become her 'normal'.

He also knows his behaviour is unacceptable otherwise he would not mind other people knowing about what he does.

It sounds like it is getting steadily worse. I know leaving will seem impossible when you've been together forever but one day you will realise your life is great again when you're not subject to abuse all the time

Write down every incident of name calling or other things that make you feel bad. You'll soon see if they add up quickly and you will have a written record either for your own referral so that you aren't as likely to doubt yourself. Dont leave it somewhere he might see it though. A note file on your phone or email it to a new address.