Unsupportive boyfriend

[Beanie1996]

Hi all im needing some advise. So sorry if this is along one
So it all started when i was having signs of endometriosis. I couldn't have sex as i bled and it was painfull my bf would get snappy with me and tell me to get it sorted.
Fast forward lots of test the doctors decided i should have surgery problem was that it was the same day as his works christmas night out. I rang him told him they've yet again changed the date its this Monday. He then shouts fuck down the phone very aggressive and says that my night out. I was like you prick i find out im having surgury in 4 days and your more worried about your night out rather then asking me how i feel about this sudden knews.
Anyway i tell him to go to his night out aslong as hes there to take me to the hospital and bring me home im fine with him going
My family live in england and i moved to study and be with my bf who is in Scotland.
So my mum said shes come up and look after me.
Skip to the day of the surgery. All goes well they dont find anything but im obs in pain.
He stays for a few hours then leaves to go his night out. We spoke and agreed that hes not to be home too late 2am.
Now reason for the cerfew was this
My mum is staying in the building i live in in a seperate room. As i have to take it easy and rest she said she would wait up and let my bf in. Its a fob system these controll the doors as well as the kitchens. We couldnt give him a my fob as we needed it.
So it gets to 2 am and hes not home or texted. I ring him and hes like dont worry im just having a good time ill be back soon and im like well you really need to make your way back now. Hes not listening telling me not to worry hes completely legless.
So my mum phones him and she like you need to either leave there now or make your way back to your own home. Hes not listening to her and is adamant hes coming to me.
My mums getting very pissed she was up the night before with me being anxious cause of my op and now shes waiting up to let him in. He showing no respect for her or me.
Hes like someone will let me in there security. Security only run on friday to sunday not monday to friday. Any way he ends up at my place at 4am
My mum is pissed she thought be would atleast want to be back a but early as ive just had an operation and im in mega pain.
She ends up rowing with him asking him if he has any remorse. He has non he doesnt see what the problem is and try to make my mum feel guilty by being like i wouldnt of gone if you'd told me i shouldnt.
Any way my mum says im going to my room. I end up rowing saying you really think this is acceptable behaviour. Hes like she could of gone sleep and then i would of rang she let me inthen she go back to bed. Im like you serious thats not how you treat my mother who has been by my side all night whilst you've been getting bladder. Not once did u text to ask how i was doing
So skip to next day. I ask if he remembers last night, hes like yeah your mum had a go at me. Im like are you fricking kidding me right now. Hes still doesn't see what he did wrong and said he was having fun with his mates. Hes then playing the woe is me card complaing hes sick and saying he drank to much last night. That everyone bought him drinks and he didnt say no.
So we ring his mum tell her the situation and guess what she took her his side. My bf can do no wrong in her eyes. She babys him.
She also then goes to attack me by saying if you want to nick pick i could complain about how i do nothing round the house.
Ok ill explain this situation
So i see my bf at the weekend friday and saturday he has 2 jobs. One is a machanic and one is a delivery driver. So only way to see him is if i stay at his house on the Friday and Saturday. Due to me being a student im loan of cash and cant afford the money his mother ask for the 2 days i am there.
I also suffer from anxiety which i have been diagnosed with and adhd. I tend to stay up waiting on him till he comes home then sleep in with him the next day. She never complains about him sleeping in only me.
Im always thank full for her making me dinner. I do the dishes after and clean the kitchen. I bring my washing to the house as my accommodation has to pay for the use of the machines. I dont just do my own i will do hers, her husbands and my bfs.
This also includes me hanging it to dry and folding it placing it in there rooms etc.
I keep my bfs room clean i dont leave any thing lying around.
She however expects more from me as payment for them letting me stay.
Im to get up early even if ive been up waiting on my bf. Clean any mess theyve made. For example they go out on most Saturdays so the kitchen will be full of there mess ie there bowls there pans there cups crumbs on the counter. Im to clean up for when they get back. The living room has to be tided cushion put right any thing theyve left lieing around put it away. Im to hoover the living room there room the hall. The back room the landing and my bfs room.
So back to the phone call his mums like well if you want to nick pick will talk about how she doesnt do anything and sleeps in till 12pm
Like i mentioned above i do alot but i wont be a maid.
Im a student and my course is very hands on. I work in theatre and i do lights sounds etc for real shows. So its like having a job. I spoke to my doctor about why i sleep so much and he explained that with my adhd i need to take more breaks and rest as my brain is working over time to complete everyday tasks as well as my more complex tasks at college.
I also dont think its my job to tidy my bfs room. Hes a 24 im sure he can hoover and dust himself. Im there 2 days any mess i will clean that i have made. His mum once came in and i was doing college work. She has a go at me cause last week she had to clean his room and the work surfaces were all black from dust. She gave me a rag and cleaner and said i dont want it like that again she said she doesnt want to hoover his room again and ask me to do it. I explain i was working on college work and shes looks at me and ask what college work the way she was questioning me was like she thought i was lying. I have asked my bf to come to mine but he complains the 20 minutes to get to me after work will cost too much fule
His family are all the same
I once confinded in his sister about my mental health and she said she thought i was attention seeking i also told her about how my bf was using babe station and her replys is no wonder a relationship should be fun and im putting too much pressure on him to take care of my mental health.
I thought a relationship is about taking care.of each other. My mum has sat him down loads of time and said i need more help than normal women due to my disability and if he feels its too much then noone would blame him if he left.it takes time and strength to help me.
I dont ask alot. I need constant reassurance that im pretty/good enough. You sometimes need to sit and listen to me about the same issue time and time again as its stuck in my brain. I hate going to shops that are a 10 minute walk as i struggle to carry it back. I get easily distacted and when shopping can spend 40 minutes doing it as im indecisive.
He has no patients with me my mum said shes starting to see what i was complaing about. He gets snappy with me very easily over the tiniest things.
When we was coming back from the hospital we had to make a detore down a country lane and after surgury the bumps can hurt so you need to take it slow. He was going 60mph and the road had those sharp mini hills. And i asked him to slow down to 30. He told me i was over reacting and carried on with his speed. I also couldn't wear a searbelt due to the wounds. And he was shouting saying i have to wear it even tho the nurse told me not to. He then says his car will beep. As its modern with the seatbelt sensors. He then continues to shout saying im gonna sort it if u fu* let me. He clipped it in behind me.
He could of nicely said he has an idea and what it is ive just had surgury and im in pain scared. Any way he still hasn't apologised to my mum. He wont say anthing to his mum to put things right.
Non of his family will see our side or try to understand my disability.
His mum also said on the phone she feels like hes my carer and that she knows what she'd do if she was him.
Ive been with him for 7 years. Moved away from my family to be with him.
I just dont know what to do anymore
And why he wont apologise and how he cant see what hes done wrong and how his family have treated me.

Thank goodness you are young
Thank goodness this bell end is a 'bf'
Thank goodness you are studying.

Now: ditch the selfish loser, focus on your studies and then go back to England.

YOU are what counts here, not this laugh of a 'relationship'. So focus on YOU, invest in YOU (your course) and be the best person YOU can be!

I am worried how they didnt find anything but they are going to try me on meds for ibs as that can cause my systems and they fitted a coil in me

Another thing which can cause pain and bleeding during sex is the lack of arousal which results from having sex with someone who is horrid to you. Consider that. Do you feel comfortable with him? Does he set you on edge? Is it possible that there isn't a physical cause and that your body and brain simply don't want sex with this man?

I would return to England.

You're not crazy.
He and his family are not normal.
Get yourself the fuck out of this mess and move on.

His family have treated you like unpaid help, a servant. They will NOT change. Your boyfriend will NOT change enough. I say that because he was selfish regarding your op and his party. He didn't/couldn't step up when you needed him to. He shows remorse but I think that is all words and nothing more. You can do much better than him.

You seem to be looking for reasons to stay. You are, I think, worried a out a future without him in it because you have never known any different. The only person you can tell on is your Mum and yourself. Stop going over the history. Accept your decision and move on to a lovely life. Your ex- boyfriend is not the one for you.

I think probably your ADHD is inhibiting your ability to concisely set out all that is wrong in your relationship. You are going round and round and probably trying to second guess everything. Overthinking everything too - and that makes you lose confidence in your decisions. I have ADHD - I know that is what I have done in the past. Do not go back to him.

Actually you have set out the issues at length... but it is the thinking that clouds it all!

You need to split up and you need to show yourself that you don't need him. If you're meant to be together, you will be again one day but not while you feel so dependent on him, it's not healthy.
Build up your own self-esteem and only have people in your life that are a positive experience to be around.

This man has been a very nasty little shit in the past and treated you appallingly and will be a very nasty little shit in the future and treat whoever is foolish enough to go out with him appallingly. Find someone nice and have a lovely life.

Just stop putting yourself through this.

You've been dating since you were 15. And he's very obviously still a child.

Get free and stay free. You don't need somebody like that.

This really didnt need to be ling. he was a cunt in the third sentence. Ask the uni to refer you to counselling as you have poor boundaries and low expectations of reasonable behaviour. Do not date again until you have had some form if therapy.

He got pissy with you when you couldn't have sex and said 'get it sorted'
Then when you went for surgery he went on the piss
He doesn't care about you lovely

Your all right. Especially the adhd part. Im over thinking over worrying that ill never find some that will be there threw the good and bad. Hes all ive ever know i thought ig would last forever. Im young and in years to come ill laugh at how needy i was. You've all been so nice and understanding of how a break up with your first love can be hard to get over.
I need to try not think ahead and take each take as it comes.
I have to imagine my life with out him.
And i have to accept that maybe this person did minipulate me and that i was a comfort to him and stability.
If he was getting girls flirting with him left right and centre would we of lasted or would he have had his cake and eaten it.
At the moment its like my life is crashing down when in reality this will all be a distant memory. My feeling of hurt will be gone and ill be with someone knew and ill be thinking what was i so afraid off.

Wel done OP. Stay strong.

Re the endo front just because they didn't find anything doesn't mean you don't have it. Mine was evident from scar tissue mainly and the cysts but I had been on aggressive treatment for 18 months at that point. Endo also causes fatigue as your body is trying to eliminate the diseased tissue so your immune system is working on that.

Re the boyfriend, you have had a lucky escape. You are young, the chances of you being with someone you started dating in your mid teens is basically slim to none because you need to look around you and realise there are hundreds of thousands of other potential men out there for you.

I found mine at 22 having endured nowhere near the amount of shit you have gone through but I had uncaring boyfriends, selfish ones. Then I met my now Dh, could not believe someone could be so nice. We have been married 20 years, he is still thoughtful, generous, caring, funny, fun and a great Dad to our sons.

You have had a lucky escape. His entire family are crazy and they all support each other because they think that is normal. Well myself and others on MN will tell you, they are not normal at all, they are very dysfunctional.

Concentrate on yourself, block him and his family on every platform, look after yourself and take stock and write down why you are great, 5 things. Then realise he has thrown away you and your amazing qualities.

Hi all hope your had a good Christmas. Im meeting him on sunday to get some of my stuff that he found whilst he was gutting it out. We have beeb speaking. But its hard. I still remember the good times but i need to remeber the bad. My perents have been so suportive and my dad wanting him to come so we can chat here. I come from an AA background my dad is one of the best hes helped so many people and there familys. All he wants to do is talk to him and tey figure out whats going on. My dad blames his family and so do i. Some most says they didnt make it be a twat,but honestly they do. Its like they manipulate him if he has doubts instead of going with his gut instinct they will tell him to do the complete wrong thing. Ive never know a family to have so much controll over a person.
As you can guess he was having non of it. He said its like him asking me to come to his house and hed defo feel uncomfortable. Thats when i pulled the riot act card. I said my family are putting eveything youve done aside are trying to see the good in you and my dad just wants to help try and help you learn to says no to your family and be your own person. I also mentioned all the times hes put me in way worse situations with his family and how i had to sit there waiting all weekend to get Sunday with u as you said i wouldnt see u other wise. Had to deal with ur perents demands. Never been able to act young and loved up in front of them as any time i did you give that weriod not now look and tell me the other couples dont do it. Yeah there all in there 30s were 23. He said hed quit the second job and i said but u wont go counselling with me. I thought hed be willing to do what ever it takes. Honestly with the roll models hes had the way his mum just bows down to his dad. How his sisters are the same. He has no idea of how a relationship is surpost to work. I guess ill know on Sunday. And if he is willing to try counselling then great but if the professional says were just too different and hes been molded and minipulated so much that this is who he is theres no way back for him. Some people are just too far gone. Hell never have a proper relationship unless shes exactly like his mother and willing to wipe his ass.
Another part of me is like youve manages without him. You've seen things with out those rose coloured glasses. There was more bad then good but u couldnt see it. I have no idea if i love him any more. If i want to try again that even if it did get better have i been pushed too far. Its sad as i had a whole life planned. All those good memorys those first's.what will it feel like with someone new. Will i feel the same giddyness and warmth.

Hey all how is everyone

Hi all hope your had a good Christmas. Im meeting him on sunday to get some of my stuff that he found whilst he was gutting it out. We have beeb speaking. But its hard. I still remember the good times but i need to remeber the bad. My perents have been so suportive and my dad wanting him to come so we can chat here. I come from an AA background my dad is one of the best hes helped so many people and there familys. All he wants to do is talk to him and tey figure out whats going on. My dad blames his family and so do i. Some most says they didnt make it be a twat,but honestly they do. Its like they manipulate him if he has doubts instead of going with his gut instinct they will tell him to do the complete wrong thing. Ive never know a family to have so much controll over a person.
As you can guess he was having non of it. He said its like him asking me to come to his house and hed defo feel uncomfortable. Thats when i pulled the riot act card. I said my family are putting eveything youve done aside are trying to see the good in you and my dad just wants to help try and help you learn to says no to your family and be your own person. I also mentioned all the times hes put me in way worse situations with his family and how i had to sit there waiting all weekend to get Sunday with u as you said i wouldnt see u other wise. Had to deal with ur perents demands. Never been able to act young and loved up in front of them as any time i did you give that weriod not now look and tell me the other couples dont do it. Yeah there all in there 30s were 23. He said hed quit the second job and i said but u wont go counselling with me. I thought hed be willing to do what ever it takes. Honestly with the roll models hes had the way his mum just bows down to his dad. How his sisters are the same. He has no idea of how a relationship is surpost to work. I guess ill know on Sunday. And if he is willing to try counselling then great but if the professional says were just too different and hes been molded and minipulated so much that this is who he is theres no way back for him. Some people are just too far gone. Hell never have a proper relationship unless shes exactly like his mother and willing to wipe his ass.
Another part of me is like youve manages without him. You've seen things with out those rose coloured glasses. There was more bad then good but u couldnt see it. I have no idea if i love him any more. If i want to try again that even if it did get better have i been pushed too far. Its sad as i had a whole life planned. All those good memorys those first's.what will it feel like with someone new. Will i feel the same giddyness and warmth.

This is all very full on for such a young couple. You have written extensively about how unhappy you are and how difficult you find it to deal with his family. It's probably time that you stepped out of this relationship as it is not healthy for you to be arguing and your parents getting involved in the arguing too. Concentrate on getting your course completed and your head/life more settled.

This should of uploaded aged ago dont know why it didn't.
I met up with him to get my things. And we've ended it. He agreed that hed done wrong that he has a toxic personality but wouldnt get help for it. I told him my deal break is if he wont agree to go counciling with me to work on it. He said he can change on his own. Now were have i heard that before. Im sorry im always typing on here but my adhd plays a big part and i am constently doubting my decisions

I think you've made the right decision Beanie. Time to move on.

I hope the new year brings you peace and happiness

Thank you ive got some great friends and family. I seeing my mental health doctor to discuss getting therapy for myself.
As im really struggling with the fact that this person is no longet a part of my life. I thought it was forever but im ok with the outcome which im surprised but then im still like what happends now. How do u process this healthy. How do i make it so i dont stumble and go back to him

I would have suggested that you leave him based on this alone:

"I couldn't have sex as i bled and it was painfull my bf would get snappy with me and tell me to get it sorted."

That behaviour and response has nothing to do with his family. That's all him. And it's vile - certainly not the attitude of a loving, caring partner.

I think you are very fragile, but I think you also just want to be happy. He won't give you that. It's easy to keep blaming his family - and I'm sure that they have had a big influence over him - but he's an adult.

And, actually, I suspect his horrible, overbearing family are actually one of the reasons that he struggles when you ask anything from him. For example, he rebelled completely when you asked him to come home by 2am the night before your operation. I think that you would have a lifetime of him being deliberately difficult - because he is desperate for some freedom and to not feel beholden to anyone.

His family sound like awful people - don't get tied to them by being with him, constantly hoping that he'll change and get a bigger backbone with them. He won't, they have too much influence.

You're young, listen to every wise woman on here reassuring you that you are ABSOLUTELY making the right choice by moving on. Tell your parents that you want to move on and meet someone who will support you through all your health issues and who will respect you. Right now, I worry they are trying to help by getting you two back together - rather than telling you to raise your bar. Good luck, lovely. You're definitely doing the right thing

Oh, and I hate to ask this, but have you been checked for STD/STIs?

Hi they told me to leave him. They are on my side they just wanted me to be happy cause they saw how at times he did make me happy but now knowing the full story and when i spoke to them after the break up they said i think its run its cause. And yeah ive been checked for everything they did all that to rule anything that was causing my bleeding

And it wasnt the night before it was actually the day of my operation.
Which makes it worse. As id just had the surgury and i needed him to take over from my mum and i wanted him there. He wasnt and he is refusing to do the counselling then when i said leave he starts crying as he realises how seriouse i am and says ill go the counselling. I still told him to leave if hed really wanted to make this work hed do anything even if it ment talking to some one which he hates.

I have college tommorow and he wont stop trying to contact me.
I want to block him but we share a joint phone contract it was supost to be 23 a month but its went up to 30. Whilst we was together he was paying it. I offered to pay for it but he wouldnt let me. I also bought a new laptop to help with my studies last year due to dsa not pulling there waight and helping me i got it on buy now pay later. But due to having no credit score i got it out in his name. I payed him the 500 but i cant afford the other 350 until april when i next get my student loan. I cant get out of the phone contract untill june. It was a 2 year contract.
Please dont get at me i had no choice i was up here away from my mum and i was due a phone upgrade and couldn't get one out in my name name and was gonna be with out a phone and the laptop was for my course i really needed one.
I dont know what to do