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Original poster

Maybe at some stage you have to give up on the idea of another relationship? Not sure what I have to offer.

41 replies

notmuchtooffer · 11/12/2019 17:00

I have had one relationship in my life, and that has now ended in divorce. We were together for about 22 years. I divorced him for emotional abuse which mainly consisted of long silent treatments, withholding of affection, being short tempered etc. The divorce was horrible and we are not on speaking terms at all (we have dc). He moved out in the spring of 2018.

I am now 50 and live full time with the dc. I day dream about the possibility of a new relationship one day, but realistically, I don't see how that will happen? My entire time is spent either at work or at home with the dc, but even if I were to go out more, I am just not sure what I have to offer.

I think being in such a difficult relationship for so long has really taken its toll as the last few years were really toxic. It's difficult not to have a negative view of yourself. Added to which there is my age.

I think I have a sense of humour and am kind, but I also feel like a middle aged kind of formless person plodding to work and back, and being exhausted once I am at home.

I have joined a few OLD sites and am currently on one, but I always end up deleting my profile and have been on no dates. There have been weird messages, people who clearly were only after sex, someone who was living with his wife but "separately" Hmm, people who have lost interest after two or three messages.

Last night someone responded to a message I had sent and he sounded interesting (and could spell). We chatted for a bit but he was clearly also messaging other people. At some point he said it was late and it had been nice to meet me (virtually), but was online for ages and ages after that.

I guess most men on there are messaging multiple people at the same time, so able to give no one their full attention and in any case always looking for someone better? I am going to let my membership lapse at the end of this month as it is a downer really.

Recently someone came to do some work in my house and he was lovely. Made me remember what it might be like to actually meet and like a real life person (he is attached and younger but in any case that's not the point). He shook my hand and his hand was warm, and it made me remember what kind human contact might be like.

Honestly, I sound mad, but I have been lonely for YEARS. Including a large portion of my marriage. So there I was last night, waiting for more messages from this online stranger that I have no idea if I would actually like or not Confused.

It seems that everyone else is more well read, cultured, interesting, younger or attractive than me. Does there come a point where you think, fuck it, this is my life, just get on with it. There will be no more men.

I just can't shake the bitterness towards my ex either. For years I longed for his affection but it never came (in the second half of the marriage). If I had left then I might have stood a much higher chance of meeting someone new.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/12/2019 17:17

It's early days, OP (find a better user name!). Get yourself some therapy, go out in the fresh air and get some exercise, do some things apart from working, go to the GP and get yourself checked out (anaemia, thyroid, sleep apnoa, depression).

It's never too late. My grandmother married at 80 for the third time. Nice lady but not some kind of amazing superwoman, just a bit fat and average. Look on some of the advice threads on OLD and try a different approach/website. Remember that you are allowed to chat to lots of different men on there, and the men are allowed to do the same, as you don't know them and they don't know you.

How old are the kids?

ravenmum · 11/12/2019 17:18

Oh, and if you don't want a man, don't look for one!

noego · 11/12/2019 17:19

Have you had any therapy OP after your traumatic and toxic relationship with your ex?

Original poster
notmuchtooffer · 11/12/2019 17:21

Thanks, they are all teens.

Regarding the chatting to lots of people - I know that happens, it was more the fact that he obviously lost interest in me and carried on with the others. I felt like 🙄 of course, what did I expect!

OP posts:
Original poster
notmuchtooffer · 11/12/2019 17:23

Have you had any therapy OP after your traumatic and toxic relationship with your ex?

I had some counselling during the divorce and have just started again.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 11/12/2019 17:27

You have no idea why he stopped talking to you. Maybe you said you liked a film and it's one he despises. Maybe he was contacted by a professional masseuse and it's his ultimate fantasy. Maybe he was online afterwards talking to three other people and actually didn't like any of you.

You sound depressed. That's persistant negative thinking, catastrophising. Go and get yourself checked out. If it's not depression, maybe some CBT will help, or reading up on other methods for changing your automatic reactions.

My kids were 15 and 17 when I started dating after divorce - old enough to spend the evening alone while I went out on the town :)

Coronade · 11/12/2019 17:39

Just wanted to say I feel exactly the same. I’m 50 next year and just at the beginning stage of splitting after finding out DP was having an affair but he’s treated me like crap for years.
The thought of being alone for the next 20 odd years is terrifying but so is the thought of trying to meet someone else.
I can’t imagine how sole destroying OLD is especially when your confidence had been destroyed.
I know that feeling of wanting to be loved after feeling alone for so long.
I can’t really offer advice, just wanted you to know I feel exactly the same. X

SuperbMonkey · 11/12/2019 18:05

I’m the same but older. It’s hard but we have to stay positive, relationship or not. The cliche about loving yourself is true.

noego · 11/12/2019 18:20

I think the counselling will be a good starting place for you to re-build your self.
Perhaps you're not in the right mindset to do OLD just yet as it is a minefield and you need to have a nonchalant attitude towards it.

HamAndPineapple · 11/12/2019 18:26

I'm 50 next year and I wasted most of my 40s online dating. I never met anybody I could be attracted to (who wanted me!)

I've stopped caring though. It'd be nice yeh, but also, kind of unimaginable. I haven't lived with a man for 13 years, he was abusive. I cannot imagine it now.

I think I prefer to just go about my business and have interactions with people (like the man who came to your house) rather than go on line, and see the men who message me!

Mumteedum · 11/12/2019 18:31

Does there come a point where you think, fuck it, this is my life, just get on with it. There will be no more men.

Yes. There is. And then I had a drink with a man from online dating. A year later and we're very much in love. Don't give up. Work on being happy in yourself. You sound lovely.

Mumteedum · 11/12/2019 18:31

And I also had 13 year relationship that became abusive x

HappyInL0nd0n · 11/12/2019 18:34

Don't want to read and run. You sound sad but very lovely.

Fix your crown. Think about what advice you'd give a friend in your situation - someone you really love.

It will take time to heal. You're tired. Get some counselling, try to take the online dating piece with a gallon of salt and know that your children will appreciate all you've done for them.

I'm so close to my mother who raised us single-handedly. She had a horrendous few years but made it through. She's happy & independent.

Good love is on its way to you. x And watch this:

HamAndPineapple · 11/12/2019 18:46

Ps, @notmuchtooffer I only come back to suggest these books as it cannot harm, but have you looked in to your attachment style? I found Brianna McWilliams clips very useful. I"ve also listened to all of Alan Robarge's clips. All very useful.

Original poster
notmuchtooffer · 12/12/2019 07:47

Thank you so much for all the lovely messages. It was my office Xmas dinner last night and I read them all afterwards and felt really touched.

Flowers to all those who feel they are in the same (lonely!) boat.

Yes. There is. And then I had a drink with a man from online dating. A year later and we're very much in love. - that’s such a lovely story.

OP posts:
Jane1978xx · 12/12/2019 07:53

Hi come and join the dating thread to see the ups and downs of other people’s dating . Also the different dynamics of relationships that people have with new men after divorce or long relationships.

beguilingeyes · 12/12/2019 07:57

I met my husband when I was 50. At work, out of the blue.

We got married when I was 54, I'm 58 now. I really thought I'd be single forever.

EvaHarknessRose · 12/12/2019 08:01

Don't think about what you have to offer, think about whether they are good enough. And the last thing you need is a guy who just wants someone to do everything for him.

Savingforarainyday · 12/12/2019 08:07

The thing is, if you are in an abusive relationship, then on some level you have to agree that you are worthless.
If you have spent years without affection, then to accommodate that you have to agree on some level that you are unlovable.

So, that erodes your self esteem and resilience ON TOP of whatever your ex did. And that is ON TOP of whatever poor sense of self worth you had to start out with.

What I'm saying us that you probably do need to go deep- learn to love yourself at core level. That may not be an easy fix, but is doable.
Why not give yourself 6 months to do something fun. Start a new activity, new interests- carry on with counselling.

If you are feeling bad about yourself, chances are you'll attract another player.

Good luck- you can do it.....

Interestedwoman · 12/12/2019 11:26

I'm sure you have loads to offer OP. xx 50 is young these days, or so I like to think! I'm 42 but know I look older.

Am glad you've gone back into counselling, hope you find it helpful. If you don't get on with one therapist, try another. It's also worth seeing your GP- life doesn't have to be this way. xxxx

OLD can be soul destroying, I'm not bothering with it at the moment. Am not in any desperate hurry to meet someone. I would say focus on your own interests and hobbies (do some that get you out of the house) and eventually you'll come across someone.

Interestedwoman · 12/12/2019 11:28

A lot of people succeed with OLD but they say you have to have a rhino's hide. There's a dating support thread on here, you could join in with that if you decide to have a go.

litterbird · 12/12/2019 12:11

I do feel for you OP. I was dumped for someone younger when I was 50. It was horrendous, not going to lie. I then went into overdrive trying to replace my ex. I did on line dating like a mad woman. Just desperately wanting affection and acknowledgement. I clearly was not in the right head space to be dating but I just wanted to feel like a woman again. I eventually went to therapy to work through my self esteem issues. I eventually sorted myself out and then went back to OLD with a fresh view on it and ended up really enjoying my time on there, meeting all sorts of lovely men. None of them were right for me, but I gave it a go. I had some false starts and earlier this year met a much younger man on OLD and thought it might work but didn't. I am 55 now and low and behold 3 months ago a man I have known for 18 years came out the shadows and courted me in an old fashioned way. Totally out the blue. Right at the same time I got re contacted by my ex who left me for the OW and she had now left him. He wanted to meet me to "chat". Call it Karma or whatever. I am now seeing this new gentleman. It was the right time for me to open up and trust again despite taking 4 and half years to fully recover. I am very happy and so is he. We are going slowly but it feels lovely and right. Please dont give up with OLD, look at it as a nice electronic pub and have a chat with many men. Date many men. Don't go into each date thinking he is the one, go into the date thinking he is one of many. Good luck and get out there and go for it.

ChiaraRimini · 12/12/2019 13:39

I am mid forties OP and have given up on OLD. It is a very unnatural way to meet people, it is like looking for a needle in a haystack (unless you want no strings sex!). I have had lots of first dates with people who seemed ok online but there was no attraction IRL - obvious within a few minutes, then you spend ages making polite conversation so as not to be rude.
I have got used to being single and don't miss having a partner now. I have lots of friends who I have a better laugh with than my ex, and my kids will still give me a hug, Honestly I think you are better off making plans to spend fun times with friends and your kids, and forget about dating.

ravenmum · 12/12/2019 16:30

I'm not sure about the rhino hide - I think healthy self-esteem is closer, though I know that's not possible for everyone.

Personally I found it helpful going into OLD that, after 20 years of marriage, I didn't want a partner - all I wanted (especially after the miserable last couple of years with my ex) was to go out to the pub or to listen to some music, and maybe to finally get some experience in bed! I wasn't looking for one-night stands, but also not for The One or anything serious.

Went out with a couple of those nasty guys just looking for sex - actually, just like me, looking for some fun. With the latest one I thought he'd do for the summer, but he turned out to be a decent, interesting bloke too - been with him 3 years now, just meeting a few times a week, and it's nice.

How about you, OP, what do you want? A bit of human contact, a bit of night life? What does the average man on the street have to offer you?