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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Missed the chance to find love and start a family?

32 replies

TheP0 · 10/12/2019 23:14

Good evening,
This is a serious question regarding my cousin and any advice would be very helpful.

My cousin is distraught because she's 35+ and is very upset that her chances of meeting a man and starting a family is now probably very little if not nil, due to her age and it's really depressed her.
All that panic, stress and worry isn't doing any of us favours and i don't know what to say to her. I want to be supportive but after reading and analysing the future she's just certain she's missed out on the window of opportunity of a husband\love and a family of her own.

What can i say to support her? Does she maybe still have a chance? Do any of you lovely ladies have or know any success stories?
If it's not worded well, sorry, as English is not my first language.

Thank you so much!

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 10/12/2019 23:16

Met my husband at 39. Married at 40, first baby at 41 second at 43. Met him through an introduction agency (not oline).

Swlondon123 · 10/12/2019 23:22

Megan Markle gave birth at 37! There is still hope!

Swlondon123 · 10/12/2019 23:24

Most men are arseholes. I'm currently pregnant and considering having abortion as my boyfriend is not being very nice to me. Pregnancy and relationships are not be all and end all. Most people in relationships hate their partners.

which1 · 10/12/2019 23:29

Your cousin sounds like me.

I was recently ditched in part for being 'too old'.

I am not fussed about kids but even so I know there is v v little chance left.

Pretty much everyone is married or partnered up by now.

LuluBellaBlue · 10/12/2019 23:31

There’s some amazing threads on here about people meeting later in life. It’s not too late at all

anomoony · 10/12/2019 23:35

She's not too old, I had my first baby at 40 and second at 43. But as fertility does drop quite steeply after 35 she should perhaps think whether she wants a partner first and foremost or if children are more important to her. There's also the option of having children on her own.

mrssoap · 10/12/2019 23:35

Wtf?

Helbelle17 · 10/12/2019 23:38

Not too old at all. I met dh at 38, married at 40, had dd at 41, now pregnant with number 2 at 44.
He was worth waiting for, not perfect by amy means, but a good man.

MMmomDD · 10/12/2019 23:40

In her place I’d consider freezing some eggs - if she can afford it.
Will give her longer time to meet someone.
Also - I’d focus on one thing at a time. And, possibly, adjust expectations a bit.
If she is waiting for some sort it ‘head over hills’ - it might or might not happen in time to have kids. Or ever.
If she wants to have kids - then ‘settling’ a little on the romantic dimension may be necessary.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 10/12/2019 23:43

Most people in relationships hate their partners.. 😂😂

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2019 23:45

Why does she need to have kids though? I mean like pp said, it isn't the be all and end all. Seems like a bucket load of unnecessary over thinking and drama.
Plus you can still have kids well into your forties. Or perhaps, foster or adopt. Heaven knows why it is so important to some people though!

But tbh I'd be saying to her to buck the f up, stop being a weener and take a friggin holiday somewhere there are cute guys and tequila.

We can't always have everything we want. So find something new to want. Tough love.

RainMinusBow · 10/12/2019 23:58

My advice would be don't rush into finding a man but wait until he's the right one (well, be as sure as you can be!)

I married ex when I was 24, had first son at 26 and second at 29. I guess if I'm being honest I was terrified of never finding a man and therefore not having children.

Divorced at 36 after years of being unhappy and enduring horrendous coercive control. Still suffering financially and emotionally to this day.

I now have a fiancé who makes me happy and I'm almost 16 weeks' pregnant at the age of 39 (he's 43, this will be his first child).

Whilst of course I don't for one second regret having my boys (now 9 and 12), I absolutely regret rushing into marriage with what turned out to be such an idiot of a man which did cause, and continues to cause, untold damage to all concerned.

The worst consequence is that I only have my boys half of the time and even five years on the pain I feel about this cannot be put into words. I'm a mum but not a mum really.

RainMinusBow · 10/12/2019 23:59

As to why the divorce took so long... he of course contested it

Original poster

TheP0 · 11/12/2019 04:55

Thank you highly for wonderful replies and would appreciate any more replies!!👍

OP posts:

Hermie12 · 11/12/2019 05:10

Met my husband when I was 38 and he was 37. Had our daughter at 40 and got married this year at 45.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2019 05:15

Most people in relationships hate their partners.

Stop sniffing glue already. WTAF.

ooooohbetty · 11/12/2019 05:41

I know someone who didn't have her first serious boyfriend until her 40's. Had a baby at 48. She's very happily married. Met him through OLD.

Divebar · 11/12/2019 05:54

Families come in all shapes and sizes. I know one woman had a baby on her own with IVF and 2 women who have adopted children on their own. That’s not to say she won’t be able to conceive... I had a child at 41. She may also meet someone with children already and become part of a loving family. She needs to be proactive though if she wants any of those things. ( my friend is 33 and OLD and after trying a few websites is having a lot of good matches with eharmony)

SpeckledyHen · 11/12/2019 06:07

Met at 37 , married 38 . DS1 39 DS2 almost 42 .

Candace19 · 11/12/2019 07:21

I suggest that she needs to spin the negativity & channel it into positive action. Sign up not some apps and do a bit of dating. Moping around isn't going to make it happen - she needs to go out there & get it!!

Alternatively, she could consider if she really needs a relationship before a child. I personally don't think you should let the lack of a relationship stop you from having children.

Zoflorabauble · 11/12/2019 07:28

I’ve recently met the man of my dreams! very randomly after being in an 11 year relationship that was pretty miserable. I do have 2dc already and so does new man but he’s asked me if I would have another with him, all being well. I am 42 next month so really not sure how I feel but absolutely it’s not too late for your cousin!

I know of several couples who have met around this age and have gone on to have children. When I look at some of my old schoolfriends, a couple of them have become grandparents and some are just starting out having children with many inbetween the two extremes.

I hope she finds happiness

ChristmasSpirtsOnTheRocksPleas · 11/12/2019 07:37

I know quite a few women who married in their late 30s and had kids. Obviously they had to adjust their expectations but they all seem happy now.

lifeisgoodagain · 11/12/2019 07:50

@RainMinusBow are you me??? So similar. We stuck out marriage for longer but I am now getting divorced, found a man (quite easily) and somewhat regretting I'm too old to have a family with him (actually I probably could but I don't think it's fair on the kid)

RainMinusBow · 11/12/2019 13:02

@lifeisgoodagain Do you mind me asking how old you are?

I know at 39 in some ways life will be harder with a baby, but in many ways it will be so much easier. No controlling husband for a start!!

Mothersruin123 · 11/12/2019 13:14

Met DH online dating at 38, DD born 2 years later, married 3 years after that. Your cousin is not too old.

I did have to start thinking more about the sort of man I'd want to raise a family with and grow old alongside, rather than the "excitement" of unsuitable partners though. Very glad I did.

Has she considered having a child on her own? With a strong support network in place it might be worth thinking about? I decided to get a dog to fulfil my nurturing instinct and he's done a grand job keeping me company all the years since, but I did also consider going it alone with a child.

I hope she achieves her dream

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