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Original poster

Does it even matter

40 replies

YeahWellWhoKnew · 10/12/2019 17:18

So I've been with my girlfriend (33) for 5 months. I'm 41. I've two children from a previous marriage. She doesn't have any. So we pretty much hit it off straight away, we had a lot of dates fairly quickly and within a few months were spending about 80% of our time together and still do allthough we dont live together. When it came to the L word I said it first and her reply was, oh yeah totally I love you too, but quite matter of fact and flippant. There was no emotion, no hug, andonce it was said we just carried on doing what we were doing. And now months later, allthough the relationship is great, she never tells me she loves me unless I say it first. Even if we wont see each other for a few days and I'm walking out the door. She never says it in a message either unless I say it first, well... maybe three times if that.

Our sex life is amazing. She tells me that no one has ever made her feel the way I do in bed, spent time on her with foreplay or made her orgasm like I do. She will tell me this in a message, never face to face.

Also she never ever initiates sex, ever, and she gives me very little to no attention in bed. It's all about her. She will kiss me and that but never takes the lead, and would mainly just lie there unless I take charge.

She never says things like, oh you look.good in that shirt or you look hot today etc... where I am constantly telling her things like that

Shes open about what she always used to go for in a man even up to her last boyfriend being the 'arsehole' type. That's not me. She makes comments about what she likes in a man, saying oh guitarist turn me on, can you go learn the guitar. None of which are the person I am.

I may be just making a mountain out of this but I just think, if i made you feel like that, why don't you tell me or show me? She tells me she was sexually assaulted a few years ago and for years shagged about and was a bit of a slut (her words - and tbh I struggle with the shagging about part) we never discuss this

She's a great person, I love her, my kids love her, so am I being petty with this? I sometimes wonder if she just doesn't want to be on her own and that she likes the financial support (I earn much more than her and pay for about 80% of things including all nights out)

OP posts:
itsmecathycomehome · 10/12/2019 17:29

I think actions speak louder than words. Anyone can say 'i love you' or pay an insincere compliment, so those things wouldn't be especially important to me, but do you feel loved in her presence? Is she happy to see you, affectionate and proud of you when you're with friends?

I must say that I am very similar in a relationship. I spent decades with someone who was very critical and ran me down all the time. It has made me wary of showing affection incase it is rebuffed.

Obviously there are some things that you can't overlook, such as the lack of initiative in bed and talking about other men/character traits that she finds attractive. I think these things will become more of an issue as the relationship continues, so maybe a frank discussion is in order.

bigchris · 10/12/2019 17:32

It sounds like you're poorly matched

You need way more than she can give

You could try couples counselling and see if you'll get to discuss it with her

rvby · 10/12/2019 17:36

I mean... for me, if you already question her sexual history, please just cut her loose.

The rest of the intimacy can build in time, but if you're uncomfortable with the fact that she was assaulted and later had a lot of sex, then you're not a safe space for her and intimacy may never grow.

She doesnt currently make you feel loved and secure either. Again that can grow in time. But not if you already feel negatively towards her and her history tbh

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2019 17:37

It sounds like there is a huge emotional distance between the two of you, which doesn't bode well for the future. She may not be as invested in the relationship as you are, or she may be incapable of expressing her feelings and emotions. Either way, I would have a re-think about where this is going.

caramelbun · 10/12/2019 17:41

Maybe your gut instinct is right here. I can't imagine asking my soulmate to take up an instrument or make other big changes to make them more like someone else.

Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 10/12/2019 17:45

I agree there is probably an emotional distance but surely that can be overcome? I do think because of previous history she's either wary or guarded but maybe that will change?

She said a weird thing I forgot to mention in my original post... she told me she regretted ruining a relationship, she constantly brought up that her ex cheated and that ruined the relationship. She thinks that's her fault.

She also told me there are two songs liked to ex boyfriends that still mean something to her.

We've all got history, I remember the first song that my ex wife and I danced to at our wedding but now we're not together, it doesn't MEAN anything to me. I just keep hoping she's guarded and will open up

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 10/12/2019 17:49

5 months into a relationship is quite early for her to have met your kids.
I totally get why she might have slept around after she was assaulted, and why you might judge her for it, but I think you should appreciate her honesty.

It doesn't sound like you are well matched

Graphista · 10/12/2019 17:51

This does not sound a good match.

You're more open and affectionate she's more distant and reserved.

This early on it should all be great.

In addition - why on earth do your dc even know her already? It's far too early for that imo. And the relationship likely faltering is the main reason.

Your dc shouldn't be meeting any new partners until you're absolutely sure of them and the relationship itself, I would say min 6 months possibly a year until you introduce dc.

See it so often on here dc being introduced to girlfriends/boyfriends far far too soon

Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 10/12/2019 17:59

I appreciate opinions on meeting the kids and I had my reasons so won't go into that.

As for her sleeping around, I definitely don't judge her for it. I just don't like the thought and I obviously haven't said that to her. I'm not so insensitive to question her reasons.

I'm maybe painting the wrong picture. The relationship IS great. We never argue, we get on great, have great fun together we do lots together... she tells me this is a fist for her having a relationship like this in that a partner is interested in her as a person, looks out for her etc... wo I just assumed they were barriers and that they would come down. I'm used to affectionate but private relationships, telling each other how we feel good or bad, prioritising each other, all the good usual things. I just dont know if it's because she's not used to (in her words) a normal relationship or she just won't give back

OP posts:
rvby · 10/12/2019 18:09

As for her sleeping around, I definitely don't judge her for it. I just don't like the thought

Please dont continue this relationship with her. You're the last thing she needs, as an assault survivor.

Cut her loose and let her find someone whose empathy outweighs his misogynist views about purity and modesty

Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 10/12/2019 18:12

rvby.... not really sure where you're getting your misogyny comment from. You're literally reading half a story and forming a completely ridiculous assumption

OP posts:
readitandwept · 10/12/2019 18:12

I appreciate opinions on meeting the kids and I had my reasons so won't go into that.

Your reasons. Absolutely no good reason for your kids to be meeting her and "loving" her already.

rvby · 10/12/2019 18:15

A person who is bothered that a women slept around, is a misogynist

A female survivor of sexual assault doesn't need another misogynist in her life. Its really that simple.

RealMermaid · 10/12/2019 18:19

The no arguing could be a warning sign too. Have you talked to her about this stuff or are you just letting it fester? The best way to foster intimacy is to have honest discussions about how you feel and what you need and want from your relationship.

Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 10/12/2019 18:24

rvby if you say so

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 10/12/2019 18:31

It sounds like you’re more into her than she is into you.

It’s only been five months and you feel she never initiates sex, never compliments you, wants you to learn an instrument because she finds them hot and never pays for a night out.

RandomMess · 10/12/2019 18:35

It is only 5 months in she could be taking it slowly as she's being sensible!!

Can you actually talk to each other? Can you actually say that you would like more attention from her in bed and would she be ok with that?

Her never taking the initiative may be down to the assault and may never change, can you live that?

Or quite simply it may be a lovely relationship but you are just not "the one" and for the chemistry just isn't there or she's giving it a chance to grow.

caramelbun · 10/12/2019 18:36

I can't imagine the sex life/affection really taking off if it is already a bit lukewarm at 5 months. That side of things usually peaks early on. But I am just an internet stranger so who cares what I think.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/12/2019 18:42

I never had a single argument with my XP. The reason we never argued was that we never really talked about anything that mattered enough to disagree about.

My XP was like your girlfriend. Purported to love me but was basically very offhand and barely seemed to notice that I was an actual living person.

So not arguing isn't always a good thing. It can show that there's a disconnect and lack of passion about the relationship as a whole.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/12/2019 18:43

A person who is bothered that a women slept around, is a misogynist

Yep, sorry.

If you don't like that being levelled at you, ask yourself why it bothers you?

In terms of having a history, a marriage and kids is waaaay more, don't you agree?

She'll have met your kids early because it made life easier for you. Nope - they really do need to actually come first, not you tell yourself that what works for you is the 'best thing'.

You don't seem suited though. You seem to be expecting her to have some sort of ulterior motive for being more reserved, but I'd say the fact that she's disclosed to you that she's been abused in the past is really all the explanation that's needed.

On sex: it does sound a bit selfish. But talk, talk, talk is the way through that one.

You do sound resentful that you're putting in work and not getting back what you're entitled to somehow. If she's sensing that, that might also be a factor.

Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 10/12/2019 18:48

I'm someone who disagrees that ANYONE sleeps around not just women. So that blows the misogyny crap out the water. It's called a personal opinion. Nothing more nothing less, not sure why some people insist on labeling someone just because they have different opinions. Two can play that game, I'm just more sensible

OP posts:
rvby · 10/12/2019 18:52

Ok so you're dating someone whose past actions go directly against your principles regarding sexual behaviour, and you're wondering why things dont feel quite right?

.... Hmm

Original poster
YeahWellWhoKnew · 10/12/2019 18:56

The thing with that is she told me 4 months into the relationship when she was drunk (not the assault the 'shagged' about) so not so easy to decide to end a relationship with someone you love on one thing alone, that I know you are hinting at.

Its not easy to find out someone you love once acted in a way you disagree with.

OP posts:
Techway · 10/12/2019 19:07

5 months is still early days so you are probadly in lust and feeling infatuated..a great stage in any relationship but often not a good predictor of long term. She may not yet feel that strongly about you and that could change as time moves on. If in 18months -2 years she is still not volunteering affection maybe she isn't right for you. It is natural to feel uncomfortable when we think of a partner sleeping with others but you have to fully accept it. It is her, if you don't think you can get over it then she needs to know.

I would really avoid introducing children so early on as this isn't recommended by professionals for a host of reasons. Also watch how you describe their feelings as it is likely to be you projecting your feelings. I.e I love her so the children must.

However I would caution any person to listen to their gut instincts, something is warning you and you haven't yet figured it out yet. Don't be blinded by lust as we all fall into this trap. Take it really slow, don't make any major commitments until you know her 2 years and then see how unsettled you feel.

Graphista · 10/12/2019 19:08

“A person who is bothered that a women slept around, is a misogynist”

Have to say as a csa survivor and very sexually active woman myself I have to agree - you’re lying to yourself that you’re not judging her if it bothers you at all. Shouldn’t even be a factor in your relationship.

No good reason for introducing to kids so early either not one.

“I'm just more sensible” because you’ve had fewer partners? Seriously get off your high horse

Her history affects your relationship insofar as it’s made her who she is now - good, bad and indifferent.

She can’t change it, and you can’t change how you feel about it. That’s why you’re better to end things now before you both AND your dc get hurt by your procrastination and denial.

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