Does it even matter

[YeahWellWhoKnew]

So I've been with my girlfriend (33) for 5 months. I'm 41. I've two children from a previous marriage. She doesn't have any. So we pretty much hit it off straight away, we had a lot of dates fairly quickly and within a few months were spending about 80% of our time together and still do allthough we dont live together. When it came to the L word I said it first and her reply was, oh yeah totally I love you too, but quite matter of fact and flippant. There was no emotion, no hug, andonce it was said we just carried on doing what we were doing. And now months later, allthough the relationship is great, she never tells me she loves me unless I say it first. Even if we wont see each other for a few days and I'm walking out the door. She never says it in a message either unless I say it first, well... maybe three times if that.

Our sex life is amazing. She tells me that no one has ever made her feel the way I do in bed, spent time on her with foreplay or made her orgasm like I do. She will tell me this in a message, never face to face.

Also she never ever initiates sex, ever, and she gives me very little to no attention in bed. It's all about her. She will kiss me and that but never takes the lead, and would mainly just lie there unless I take charge.

She never says things like, oh you look.good in that shirt or you look hot today etc... where I am constantly telling her things like that

Shes open about what she always used to go for in a man even up to her last boyfriend being the 'arsehole' type. That's not me. She makes comments about what she likes in a man, saying oh guitarist turn me on, can you go learn the guitar. None of which are the person I am.

I may be just making a mountain out of this but I just think, if i made you feel like that, why don't you tell me or show me? She tells me she was sexually assaulted a few years ago and for years shagged about and was a bit of a slut (her words - and tbh I struggle with the shagging about part) we never discuss this

She's a great person, I love her, my kids love her, so am I being petty with this? I sometimes wonder if she just doesn't want to be on her own and that she likes the financial support (I earn much more than her and pay for about 80% of things including all nights out)

Who said I'm more sensible because I've had fewer partners? Certainly not me.... you completely interpreted that your own way without any substance

So what did you mean by saying you're more sensible?

What I meant was I'm more sensible than to give someone an unwarranted label just because of an opinion that doesn't suit with their own views. Just because I don't believe in ANYONE randomly sleeping about doesn't in the slightest mean I'm misogynistic. Not even close

Look, if you actually loved her, you would have had enough empathy not to mention that you disapprove of the way she dealt with a sexual assault.

Dont you think she deserves to be with someone who doesnt judge her in that way? Serious question. Most people don't judge others for having sex/sleeping around - dont you think as an assault survivor, she'd be so much better off with someone who has empathy for her and doesnt think that way?

Ok I understand where you are coming from, of course I have empathy for her!! I'll never judge her for the way she dealt with her assault, I simply don't understand it and probably never will. That doesn't mean I judge her I just find it hard to accept that the person I love acted in such a way. It doesn't mean in the slightest that I judge her. I find it hard ok. I would never make her feel any less a way for how she dealt with it. I never said anything other than positive when whe told me. I never made her feel any way other than loved. So you are getting me all wrong. All I want to do is to make her feel loved because she told me after she went thru what she did she felt worthless so I've made a point in making her feel the wanted and loved.

I mention it hear because it effects me. I've never ever mentioned it to her

OP
No one can know what goes on inside someone’s head.
She may not love you yet or ever (for me personally, after 5 months I’d still be at the stage of this is fun but if it ends tomorrow then no big deal)
She may be sexually lazy, or submissive (possibly the same thing.....🤔) or insecure after her assault or wants to seem like lady by not asking for it
She might be emotionally unavailable or just naturally not very loving

The chances are you’ll never really know so all you can do is take off your rose tinted glasses go with your gut feeling

Yeah I'm not buying this rhetoric that you aren't a massive misogynist tbh and in any case people who judge others for their sexual past regardless of their gender are usually hard work in other ways too. So, my guess is she's wary of you because instead of having empathy and being supportive when she did open up, you made her feel uncomfortable about it.

I simply don't understand it and probably never will. Dude. No. You can understand it. Really easily. You literally just need to get a book from a library about assault and trauma and it will be really easy to understand.

You're in a relationship with an assault survivor. If you arent prepared to educate yourself you're just going to hurt her even more.

That doesn't mean I judge her I just find it hard to accept that the person I love acted in such a way. please dont continue a relationship with someone whose behavior you can't accept. This way madness lies. I'm not trying to nit pick you op. I'm speaking from bitter personal experience, I am an assault survivor and my exdh would have spoken exactly as you do about me, at the same stage of the relationship.

If you believe that sex outside of a committed relationship is wrong, I'm really really sorry but you will be poison for a woman who has survived what she has.

Ok if you didn't mention it then maybe I'm wrong but maybe ask yourself could she have sensed it?

Or maybe she's just not that into you

This was me before I met my Dh. I liked the bloke I was with but I never loved him. I liked being in a relationship and was bored of being on my own. He picked up on that and became needy and I was out of order stinging him on.

We split up. I instigated it.

Then I met my Dh and I treated him totally different as I felt different. Dh has never had to question how I feel about him - he knows I love him deeply.

If you feel something isn’t right - it probably isn’t

In fairness, I didn't read your initial post as misogynistic at all. I hate thinking about my partner's sexual past not because I in any way judge him for it, but because I love him and I just don't enjoy the thought of it. He feels the same. Your subsequent comments do sound a bit more judgemental though, so I think you need to ask yourself whether you are bothered by the image of your partner with somebody else, or by the morality of her doing it. The first is more reasonable than the latter. Also, as a PP mentioned, try and remember that your past is far more present and constantly relevant to her life than hers is to yours - a former marriage and subsequent children are far more intimate and significant to you as a person, and never go away, whilst her past has no impact on your relationship. For context, I have slept with more people than my partner, who thinks that is worse for him to think about than him having an ex wife and child is for me, and I disagree. If it came to a game of tit for tat if you guilt tripped her, you wouldn't win.

As to the other stuff you've mentioned, you have moved very fast in terms of your level of involvement and love for each other, which I can understand as I was the same, but you shouldn't be surprised that she might not be at that pace. There's nothing odd about her behaviour for 5 months in and it doesn't mean your relationship is necessarily doomed, but only if you can chill out a bit and be comfortable with her taking a bit longer to let her guard down.

Thanks Swirlygirl... she did tell me some things about her ex that sounds like you and your ex. She tells me I'm different, we're different and I'm hoping we are you and your dh

What I haven't mentioned, I wanted to see the advice given first is that I came out of a 15 year relationship 2 and a half years ago after my wife cheated a number if times then came put as gay and rebounded into a 6 month relationship where I was emotionally abused by a narcissistic woman who lied abs cheated and lauged I my face about it so I apologise if I'm a bit guarded

aSofaNearYou

Can I please say a thank you to you. It is indeed the thought of her, not the morality of her life. Its because I love her i don't like the thought of it.

As for the rest of your message, thank you again. A few simple words from a non judgemental stranger has quickly put my mind at rest so thank you for taking the time to put a daft man's mind to rest

I feel for you hereYeahWellWhoKnew..

This almost sounds like you are my partner, talking about me, in our relationship now!

Outline:
I have a 5yo, from a previous abusive relationship
He has no children..yet! (We are due in Jan)
My daughter calls him Dad, loves him dearly (has no contact with biological dad)
We dated for 6 years, had a 6 year gap, have reconnected in past 2 years.
I was always the 'feelingsy' one, he's always been a bit tricky to read emotionally. But I knew him so words weren't always needed.

Present day: I am the distant one. I love him dearly, with all my heart, but I cant initiate sex, bring myself to randomly hug in passing, kiss other than a few quick pecks, all that jazz. I do, however, tell him i love him every night before we sleep.
I cook, clean, housewife and work.
If he initiates sex, thats fine, I can roll with it. But the idea of me starting it makes me cringe.

I have wondered for our entire relationship (second time round) what the hell is wrong with me!

Im beginning tk realise maybe I need to stop, rewind, and go back to day one. With all the intimacy and slowly slowly of a new relationship, maybe that'd pave the way to be stronger this time round and shake off the impossible grasp that a past abusive relationship/experience manages to hold over a person, regardless of how much time has passed