What on earth do I do? Stay or go?

[Jone9]

I love my husband. At the start of our relationship he was my dream man. Hardworking, loyal, funny, caring and would genuinely do anything for me.

We had our son 2.5 years ago and since then he's been falling further into depression. He always worries I will leave him (which is probably because I am not happy and tell him if he doesn't sort his behaviour out I will leave). he tells me I'm doing things wrong all the time and generally puts me down. Makes me feel very down. My husband has struggled but on the whole been a good dad. However, there are times he's shouted, screamed and I suspect (from my sons cries) hurt him a little by being too rough. I don't think my husband intentionally hurts him although it's happened on a number of occasions so he must have some awareness?

My FIL has been very poorly and sadly died a few months ago. The last 6 months have been horrendous.

He shouts, screams, throws things and is rough with my son and it hurts him. My son often says "daddy hurt my back" and "is daddy cross at me?". My son is a bit naughty and gets very frustrated and I think he's mimicking my husbands behaviour.

I hate my husbands behaviour and I don't want to be around it. More importantly, I don't want our son around him. He can be a horrid person.

However... he is severely depressed. He says he doesn't want to be here. Is signed off work and none of it is a front, he is genuinely broken and love him.

I want to help my husband and support him. I want him to get better and enjoy being a family again. But at the same time I want to kick him out the house and sometimes have little empathy because he's done very little to solve how he's feeling and I don't think there's any excuse for hurting (even if it's by accident by being rough out of frustration) or scaring a 2 year old.

We own the house together and am very mindful about our finances etc if we were to divorce.

I feel i have no one to talk to and don't know what to do for the best.

He shouts, screams, throws things and is rough with my son and it hurts him. My son often says "daddy hurt my back" and "is daddy cross at me?"

Jesus. LEAVE for your child’s safety and stop subjecting him to this abuse.

Are you seriously asking if you should stay with a man who is hurting your 2.5 year old son??????

Yes I'm seriously asking. I'm desperate, which is why I'm on a forum!

My husband does not hit or intentionally hurt him, but if my son has frustrated him enough he picks him up and is clearly rough with him as it upsets my son and he says "daddy hurt my back". Just to clarify.

This probably makes no difference as it's still not ok. I've tried to leave before and I bottle it.

Please be nice, even if you're being direct and honest, which I know I need to hear

Abusers often claim to be depressed to make us excuse their abuse. It is bullshit. And even if it wasn't, there is no excuse for his behaviour.

Get yourself and your son out of there and never look back.

Reading 'why does he do that' by Lundy bankroft (once you are somewhere safe) would be a good move.

'Abusers aren't abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive'.

This makes me so sad for your son OP- please leave. This isn’t about his depression or even your marriage it’s about a 2 yr old who should feel
Nothing but safe and loved

Hugs OP. It’s a very difficult situation. You want to help your husband and that’s understandable....but you have to put your DS safety first. Even if he wasn’t aware he was hurting your DS the first time, he should have been more aware subsequent times. I think you need to sit down with him and tell him, there are 2 options. He gets help and manages his temper and depression or he will need to leave. Make it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and that your DS shouldn’t be scared of his own father.
I hope you find the strength to do whatever you decide to do. Just remember, your DS relies on you to keep him safe and although your husband may need you, your DS needs you more. 💐

What @Nicolastuffedone said. Get out as quickly as you can.

What came first; his abuses of you (and in turn your son) or his depression (which you also seem to have self diagnosed in him). Some men do use and cite depression (when they themselves are not depressed) as an excuse to abuse. Pregnancy and or childbirth are often triggers for abusive men to start further abusing their targets too.

Do not remain within such an abusive and terrible atmosphere, you need legal advice to get this man out of your home and day to day lives. I would also look at obtaining occupation and non molestation orders.

Do not keep this a secret; bust all this wide open now and start opening up to people about your lives at home.

Put your son and you first now, not this man. He cannot and should not be around either of you. Its not your fault this man is the ways he is and you cannot help him. He does not want your help or support.

So, he gets frustrated and roughly manhandles a toddler, but not intentionally?? Until the day he gets VERY frustrated and.........what do think would happen next? I cannot believe you’d ‘bottle it’ after hearing your child crying, which you know, indicates his father has ‘hurt him a little by being too rough’

Stop minimising!!!!

What do you mean stop minimising?

Stop minimising the seriousness of the behaviour of a man who regularly hurts a toddler!

What is he like with and to people in the outside world OP?. Probably all sweetness and light and or otherwise lovely isn't he?.

He has a problem with anger but not in the ways you think. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you call him out on his abusive behaviours.

Your son and you are seeing his true nature behind closed doors. Find some strength within you and get away from this person as soon as possible. Life at home will fast become completely intolerable for you both if it is not already.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are minimising by saying he doesn't mean to hurt the child, and are implying it's because he's depressed.

Doesn't matter WHY he hurts the child - all that matters is that he is.

He he got a formal diagnosis of depression? Has his GP signed him off work with depression? What treatment is he getting?

If the depression is genuine you still need to leave him, for your own sake and your child's sake. Do you have family you can turn to?

What has stopped you from leaving him before now?. Is it fear of him , fear of the unknown, a fear of being "alone"?. What precisely has stopped you?.

How does he hurt his back? What is he actually doing to your little boy?

What help is he getting for his depression?

Please please please leave. This story is all too familiar to me, almost the exact same thing happened to me. Yes of course we all get frustrated with our children at times, of course that's natural. But intentionally hurting your child, especially a toddler who is still so so small and innocent, is wrong which you already know. This will only all get worse I promise.
My ex partner used to get so angry at my daughter it used to frighten me, everyone used to say 'you are just too soft and he is strict' until one day he really hit her and me very hard, which is the day I left. I am part to blame why he did this, because I saw the signs and did not leave, don't make the same mistakes as me. This is an abusive man, just like my ex. Children are so innocent, and by staying with this man you are only enabling him to hurt your child. You sound so lovely and you know deep down this is wrong. I'm sure there would be a charity that could help you? Women's aid? X

Unfortunately, deal with it now, protect your son, leave in a controlled way ORsomeone will spot bruises or ask your child, and social services will get involved. Just how rough will he be when your son is 8 and scratches a car / smashes a window / is incredibly rude back? HE WILL HURT YOUR SON MORE so this is a decision you MUST make. Else you are neglecting his safety. I am so sorry. But act TODAY.

Hi OP

It's hard when someone you love behaves differently, and isn't themselves, you question if it's their behaviour or its them as a person, you remember them as they were and feel you would be responsible for their decline if you left.

But. Plenty of people are depressed and while this makes a lot of people shit partners (appearing selfish and lazy etc) it doesnt make most people aggressive and nasty. Plenty parents are depressed and don't shout and scream at toddlers (all of whom can be 'naugty').

Your toddler doesn't remember what he used to be like, and wont understand that it may he his illness making him do this. All he will know is he is frightened of his dad.

It sounds like you've given him lots of ultimatums and chances to get help and he hasn't done anything about it. So I think you've got to put your son first now, and leave.

I dont think depression makes you hurt people? I think thats the issue that he is hurting your son not that he is depressed.

I think you have to really think about how you are going to protect your son. I know leaving is hard but is it better to take the risk and stay...I dont think so...

He shouts and screams and hurts your son.

I don't understand why you're still there at all!

Depression doesn't turn people into abusive arseholes. And you're enabling this by staying.

Imagine your son thinking back to his childhood and being scared of his Dad. He needs you to protect him. Please do so.

Nothing has to be permanent at this stage but your DH has to see that he has to change. And you and DS need to get out of there.

Depression doesn't turn people into abusive arseholes. *
*
The sagest advice I've ever read on MN is "You can be depressed and still be a cunt." (Sorry, no idea who first posted it)

Lots of people suffer badly with their mental health, the vast majority of them manage to not hurt small children. If your H is genuinely incapable of not hurting your DS then your H needs to not be around him.

Leave.
Your little boy deserves to feel safe and secure- and I'm sure he will be worrying when he's next going to be hurt and man-handled by his Dad.
What if next time your ds ends up in A&E with an injury? SS woukd be involved ( rightly so).
Act now.

@Jone9 I have been a mum longer than you and I've spent a lot of time with 2 year old boys.

Never have I ever heard a boy of that age ask whether or why a parent was angry with him. That's chilling. That is a child who has been very afraid, for a long time.

A child of 2 is developmentally meant to be quite selfish and self centered - they're not really even meant to have noticed the feelings of others that much yet, I mean they're on their way to having more empathy and taking more notice... but it is deeply unsettling to hear such a small child asking his mother to help him understand and anticipate his father's violence. This is not normal. Your home isnt safe for your boy.

I'm sorry to hear your dh is suffering but you two are the adults here. There is a tiny child involved. For the safety of the child you have to find your courage and remove him from this situation.

Yes it's going to feel awful. Yes you will feel sick with grief. But you have to. Please save your boy from this. His life is more important than your and your husbands feelings. Xx