What on earth do I do? Stay or go?

[Jone9]

I love my husband. At the start of our relationship he was my dream man. Hardworking, loyal, funny, caring and would genuinely do anything for me.

We had our son 2.5 years ago and since then he's been falling further into depression. He always worries I will leave him (which is probably because I am not happy and tell him if he doesn't sort his behaviour out I will leave). he tells me I'm doing things wrong all the time and generally puts me down. Makes me feel very down. My husband has struggled but on the whole been a good dad. However, there are times he's shouted, screamed and I suspect (from my sons cries) hurt him a little by being too rough. I don't think my husband intentionally hurts him although it's happened on a number of occasions so he must have some awareness?

My FIL has been very poorly and sadly died a few months ago. The last 6 months have been horrendous.

He shouts, screams, throws things and is rough with my son and it hurts him. My son often says "daddy hurt my back" and "is daddy cross at me?". My son is a bit naughty and gets very frustrated and I think he's mimicking my husbands behaviour.

I hate my husbands behaviour and I don't want to be around it. More importantly, I don't want our son around him. He can be a horrid person.

However... he is severely depressed. He says he doesn't want to be here. Is signed off work and none of it is a front, he is genuinely broken and love him.

I want to help my husband and support him. I want him to get better and enjoy being a family again. But at the same time I want to kick him out the house and sometimes have little empathy because he's done very little to solve how he's feeling and I don't think there's any excuse for hurting (even if it's by accident by being rough out of frustration) or scaring a 2 year old.

We own the house together and am very mindful about our finances etc if we were to divorce.

I feel i have no one to talk to and don't know what to do for the best.

OP You sound like a good person but you should leave this man as soon as possible. He is a real and present danger to your child. If he is cruel to a toddler, imagine how he will be with an older child. If you end up in A&E with your DC, SS will get involved and you will be blamed for not protecting your child.

He’s left the house.

I told him I would continue to support his depression but that I did not want him in the house and round our son until he sorts himself out.

I feel sick but he’s gone.

well done Jone. you found the inner strength to do the right thing.

Glad to read that he's gone. He needs to stay gone as well.

Keep him away from both you and your child going forward. Do not take him back under any circumstances. He may well try and plead with you professing change. You may waiver at that point but do not take him back even then.

You've done the right thing, and hopefully it'll push your H into getting some treatment.

OMG. it seems that the only adult in the house is the 2.5 yr old who recognises that his treatment by his father is abuse. You should phone the police/ SS and get some help for this child as neither of you are doing anything to protect the wee fellow. Shame on you both. I am beyond upset with your posting as i know personally that childhood abuse follows forever.

Thanks TacCat. This evening I’ve been on the phone to a domestic violence charity, have spoken and told my mum everything and got my husband out the house. Thanks so much for your empathy. It’s responses like that that reaffirm the terrible things my husband makes me think of myself, rather than those that actually gave me the courage to do the right thing. I’m proud of what I’ve done tonight. I’m not proud that I let my son endure a minute of it, but I did something about it.

I am now very proud of you. Well done.

It's your job to protect your child , couldn't care less if you love the bloke its irrelevant he is hurting your child. your needs dont come into this

You have done the right and brave thing and put your little man first. xxxxxx

Well done xxxxx

Your husband repeatedly hurts your son and you want to stay and support him?

Can you jist take a moment to think about that op. This man hurts a small child. His own son. He as you said, must know he's doing it.

Proetect your son. By not doing so you're enabling his abuse.

Sorry cross posted due to the weird name change thing.

His depression is irrelevant. He's HURTING your child. Leave him now.
I'm sick and tired of people using this excuse to treat people like utter garbage. Its not an excuse and its not ok. I work in mental health and plenty of depressed people dont take out their anger and frustrations out on the vulnerable (eg kids). There is no excuse for this and it is despicable behaviour. The very fact he's threatening to harm himself if you leave is indicative of the fact he is controlling and manipulative and taking no responsibility for himself whatsoever.

I am telling you now, if you do nothing, this will escalate and one day he will harm your son to the point of no return and social services will get involved and thats when everything will implode. Your husband is being abusive. Get out now.

Sorry- just saw your update. Well done- you've done the right thing. Wishing you all the best and stay strong. You've got this. x