Therapist advised to apologise....

[highlyunreasonable]

DP got a message out of the blue on Facebook from another woman, someone he's no longer friends with on there and certainly nobody he's ever mentioned to me. We've been together 3 years
Message says something along the lines of 'hello stranger, I know this is out of the blue but I wanted to thank you for being such a wonderful friend 4 years ago. Stuart (her partner) knows everything and we've sorted everything out but my therapist has advised I contact everyone affected when I was being a nightmare friend to say sorry.
I'm happy now and hope you are too'

He hasn't tried to hide the message from me but when I asked him who she was it went from 'just someone he used to work with' to (when pushed) someone he had quite a flirty relationship with and ended up meeting up with and kissing (?) despite the fact she was in a relationship at the time.

All happened before we met but my spidey senses are tingling....
He thinks she's just being nice but do therapists really suggest this bullshit? Sounds very self indulgent and a bit desperate attention seeker??

Why do you care? It was a year before you met.

Yes. Therapists do suggest that sort of stuff. I once got a random email from a girl who had bullied me in school apologising and saying she'd been a very angry child. I was told then that it's not an uncommon therapeutic tool.

I agree about the self indulgent / attention seeking thing but I would take it at face value because there are terrible therapists out there... from american movies i have seen the apolopising thing sounds very like one of the AA steps

Depends what kind of 'therapist.' If she's had issues with alcohol or substances it's possible she's doing some kind of 9th step and is trying to make amends for wrongs committed whilst in active addiction.

Yeah, it's not uncommon - it's a tool to try and clear past situations and allow the person in therapy to move forward.

Of course, it's not always helpful to the recipient - but it's not about the recipient, it's about the person undergoing therapy.

Yes this is quite normal and is part of accepting / coming to terms with past issues and the need to make reparations as part of the treatment / closure.

@Tableclothing I don't know if I do care, yet.
It just seemed like a really weird message to get from someone so seemingly insignificant in his life and it made me think she's possibly trying to rekindle something as I didn't realise it was actually something therapists would advise
The way DP didn't want to divulge that they'd been intimate at all, made me think maybe there was more to it but I know it's not her fault if DP isn't being straight with me

It seems from the replies though that this is normal for some types of therapy so perhaps I'm thinking too much into it. I can't even explain why, I just felt a little uneasy when I read it

Somneone I knew write a letter to someone, who because of his misdeeds, was sacked from her job and her reputation ruined. He was advised by Alcoholics Anonymous to apologise to people he had wronged as part of his healing process.

Self centred, absorped bullshit with no aim other than to health himself.

Glad I'm not the only one who views it this way. Sounds like a pile of shite to me. Offload onto someone else to make yourself feel better about your poor life choices 🙄

It's really annoyed me but I don't know why

I’m a therapist. I think it’s weird. But also I wouldn’t let yourself get caught up in it.

All happened before we met but my spidey senses are tingling....

Why?? I dont understand what problems you are looking for here.
Are you thinking that maybe you or your DH should suggest she get a better therapist?

I've had two of those, both therapist induced. One identified the therapist so I wrote to them to ask them to stop with such advice.

I explained in detail what thoughts and feelings the unsilicited, toatally unexpected contact dredged up. I explained that her client remained the singly most self absorbed person I had ever met and, whilst our upbringing's were similar I had never, ever treated my peers to the incessent physical and verbal abuse her client had.

Bloody woman suggested I needed her services, offered a free introductory session. Which I rpeorted to her governing body! I occasionally wonder if anything came of that!

I digress. Sadly it is 'normal' as a therpaist works solely for their client and to hell with the fallout.

When this is advised in an AA 12 step context, it's to make amends to those you've wronged, provided that it won't cause harm or upset to the injured party or others.

Sadly it is 'normal' as a therpaist works solely for their client and to hell with the fallout.

Not if you practise ethically.

@Cheeseandwin5 well, yes I think she should because that sounds like utter bollocks to me 😂 When I first posted I didn't believe that was actual professional advice but it appears I was wrong on that from so I do accept perhaps I'm looking for a problem where there isn't one.
But in all honesty I don't know. I think it was DP's weird reaction when I asked if they were ever any more than friends (he's a shit liar and I could tell he wasn't telling me everything when I asked who she was to start with) and he said 'he thinks they might have kissed'
When I pushed him, he said they'd worked together around 8 years ago and always flirted a lot (although both in relationships at the time) then they'd not seen each other for a few years but had been texting a lot when he broke up with his ex about 4 years ago, met up and spent an evening kissing in his car 🤢
The 'think they might have kissed' pissed me off when he finally admitted the truth as there was certainly no 'might' about it. No reason to hide it from me but by doing so it's made me think she's contacted him because there's more than he's letting on

I realise I sound like a nutter and my real issue is with DP not her isn't it?

Yeah. I think this is definitely a DP problem!

True Tallulah. But given the parlous state of therapy oversight in general, there will be much such self absorbed bollocks given out, masquerading as advice!

I'm with you there Curious, alot of therapist have really shitty boundaries.

If this was reversed and a man was pushing a woman for details of a romantic encounter before they were together the response would be very different.

Everyone has a past and we are entitled to a bit of privacy. Why do you have the right to know all the details?

If my boyfriend was behaving like to to be honest I would feel a little annoyed.

Therapist can mean so many things. Whats much more interesting is your reaction...

A decent therapist wouldn’t advise anything but the person may have wanted to do it and talked to the therapist about it, then decided for themselves.

I have heard of people doing this for 12-step programmes for drugs or alcohol

@Dollymixture22 I suppose I see your point. Although I'm happy to be open about anything and everything, don't see the point in hiding things so I wouldn't personally be annoyed if my DP asked me something about someone from my past, I'd just tell him the truth 🤷🏻‍♀️

Was going to suggest that his past isn't any of your business, the same as yours isn't his.

He didn't hide the message from you.