Therapist advised to apologise....

[highlyunreasonable]

DP got a message out of the blue on Facebook from another woman, someone he's no longer friends with on there and certainly nobody he's ever mentioned to me. We've been together 3 years
Message says something along the lines of 'hello stranger, I know this is out of the blue but I wanted to thank you for being such a wonderful friend 4 years ago. Stuart (her partner) knows everything and we've sorted everything out but my therapist has advised I contact everyone affected when I was being a nightmare friend to say sorry.
I'm happy now and hope you are too'

He hasn't tried to hide the message from me but when I asked him who she was it went from 'just someone he used to work with' to (when pushed) someone he had quite a flirty relationship with and ended up meeting up with and kissing (?) despite the fact she was in a relationship at the time.

All happened before we met but my spidey senses are tingling....
He thinks she's just being nice but do therapists really suggest this bullshit? Sounds very self indulgent and a bit desperate attention seeker??

Tbh, whatever her motivations for sending the message, it's his response to it tha tis important. He hasn't hidden it from you. He wasnt entirely honest about the nature of your relationship and, although I'd probably feel similarly to you, it's not really any of your business. Even if their relationship was more intimate than 'flirty', how does it impact on you? He was entitled to have a private life before you and he is entitled to keep it private still now.

*their relationship

If he thinks you have a judgemental or over-reactive streak, he may just not want to tell you about something that isnt actually your business. Hes allowed to not tell you things.

Maybe he felt embarrassed by his own behavior and just didnt want to talk about it. Maybe you are a bit of a nutter who blows things out of proportion and he just couldn't be arsed etc.

Why don't you trust him? Is there a reason you demand full disclosure of events that predate you? What difference does it make?

It's really annoyed me but I don't know why

You're jealous.

Someone from his past has been in touch unexpectedly. Which will, undoubtedly, reminded him of a time/person you'd rather he forgot.

She's not a threat to you or your relationship in any way. Unless you allow her to be.

He doesn't have to disclose everything, I just don't understand why he'd want to hide it if it was before me, but I guess I'm in the minority with that
Perhaps I need to have a word with myself

He doesn't have to disclose everything, I just don't understand why he'd want to hide it if it was before me, but I guess I'm in the minority with that

Do you think that your ex boyfriends should disclose intimate details of your relationship at the time to their subsequent partners? Are you ok with your sex life with a previous partner being discussed with a woman you don't know?

I wouldn't like that one bit. A big red flag for me was men who shared intimate details of their former relationships with me.
One of the best aspects of DP's personality is that he's discreet about his ex's. I know nothing about what they did in bed nor would I want to. And it means that in the event I was to become an ex, I would be treated with the same respect and discretion.

Do you think that your ex boyfriends should disclose intimate details of your relationship at the time to their subsequent partners? Are you ok with your sex life with a previous partner being discussed with a woman you don't know?

Well I don't know whether they should as it seems to differ from couple to couple as to what's important, but I certainly wouldn't give a crap if they did. What difference does it make to my life if some random stranger knows about my bedroom antics? I really couldn't care less who knows what when it comes to that kind of thing 🤷🏻‍♀️
I get what you're saying about pouring out loads of details about ex's for no reason, yes I'd say that's a red flag especially in the early days of dating, he's never over shared but given that generally we've never hidden anything and when anything has cropped up in conversation with regards to ex's we've been open it seemed against the 'norm' for us when he tried to play down the relationship he'd had with this woman. I wasn't asking for graphic details but him pretending to 'forget' they'd shared an evening together seemed odd. Her message suggested they'd been very close where as when I first asked him who she was (before he showed me the full message) he made out that she was just someone he'd worked with years ago. Yes, they apparently met up before we got together but it wasn't that long before we got together if he's telling the truth. I guess I'm wondering if there was an overlap between me and her from his reaction but I can't explain it as anything other than a niggle and guess I'm going to have to let it go.
He does have a few female friends who I know and have no issue with, this just felt different for some reason.
Appreciate that perhaps I'm in the wrong here though, I haven't made a big deal out of it to him - came on here for opinions instead!

He's being honest about their relationship, hasn't hidden the email. Don't think there's any reason for your spidey senses to be on high alert and I think you're reading to much into it. I'm inclined to agree with other posters that chances are she's apologising to everyone she's wronged in a hope to 'better herself"

So, he hasn't hidden the message and has shown you it, the message actually does seem plausible whether you agree or not, and you have forced him to disclose private things that happened before you met which are really nothing to do with you? I agree with previous posters, if a man was forcing his gf to tell him every detail about someone before they met then it would be seen as very controlling!

I could understand more if the message seemed provocative or like conversation was missing, but it really doesn't. You need to drop it.

He really isn't in control of what other people send him. I am not saying you are controlling but just to be aware when I was in an abusive relationship my ex would grill me over anything I received and I couldn't control what anyone said! Not a way to live.

I assume nothing will follow so hopefully it can be forgotten x

Apt username OP

Echoing other posters, sounds absolutely like AA. He didn't hide the message and probably felt like because it wasn't a relationship and more like what sounds like a drunken snog that when put on the spot it was automatic to just say she was an old mate. He hasn't done anything wrong IMO. You're overthinking this

Think you should move on from this one op - he didn't hide the message, these self indulgent apologies are sadly a thing, it was before your time , nothing to see here

Ok, I've taken on board everything you've all said. I've said no more about it to him and will let it drop.
Wouldn't usually let something like this bother me but a gut feeling just said his initial reaction was off which is why I asked further but I accept I'm probably just overthinking. I know he can't control what he receives from other people and if this is something that's the norm for a certain type of therapy then so be it, I didn't realise this at first.
Thanks again all

I'm actually going with trust your gut instinct. You know this man, we don't.

Hope nothing comes of it.

Yes it might often be something a therapist or a therapeutic program might recommend.

For instance, 2 steps of AA and all the other Anonymouses=

'Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.'

If you think about it, someone might carry a lot of guilt about all sorts of things in their lives, various phases they went through of being a twat etc. Apologising is something a therapist might suggest in order to resolve their guilt.

It's also a way someone can acknowledge fully what they've done, and hopefully be less likely to repeat it.

As to self-indulgent, well, therapy is often about self-improvement.

Apologising is fairly harmless really. It's not like she was messaging to give him a come on- she's saying she was a bit of a twat.

Think he didn’t want to admit to you that he’d been unfaithful to his ex; and downplayed his relationship (at the time) with the woman who contacted him.

His past actions do raise a red flag that he may not be faithful to his partners IMO.

“ generally we've never hidden anything”

You don’t know this for sure - he did hide this, for example. And you got the sense he was dishonest about what happened when it came up. Presumably because his past actions don’t make him look good.

Yes you're right, he probably was a bit ashamed of his actions at the time. I asked him this morning if he replied to her message which he says he hasn't so hopefully there's no more to it.

@SummerPavillion thank you! I was starting to feel a bit like a psycho after some of the replies but something just felt a bit off with this.
I'm hoping no more comes of it and it was just him being a bit embarrassed about what had gone on between them. I'm leaving it for now and just keeping my eyes peeled

It’s that any way to live, keeping your eyes peeled incase your boyfriend cheats?

As summer has said you know him best, but if you can’t trust him and if he is the sort who would lie and cheat is it not better to leave than to spend your life checking up on him?

It doesn’t sound like a great relationship.

If a man had said this again I do think the reaction would be very different.

It is a recognised therapeutic technique and as others have said it is really well-used as part of a 12 step programme for addiction (AA, NA, etc)

Having been on the receiving end of one of these letters (spurred on by AA) I think it can actually be hugely selfish. The incident that I was written to about was something I had dealt with and moved on from - i didn't need a whole load of self-pity from the person who had put me through such pain. I'm sure offloading their guilt did wonders for them but it made things worse for me. Anyway....

As others have said I also don't think this is really any of your business. Whatever happened happened before he was with you.

@Dollymixture22 with all due respect, you're saying it doesn't sound like a great relationship based on a snippet on here.
He was single when their kiss happened, she was not. So, while yeah it isn't great that he went and met her knowing she was in a long term relationship with someone, I'm not going to up and leave him over something he did 4 years ago when I didn't even know him.
It's not a case of keeping my eyes peeled thinking he's going to cheat - if I thought that I genuinely wouldn't be with him. Like I said I got a gut feeling I can't even explain (maybe wrongly) and I'll just be vigilant for a little while for any further contact from her.
He's never given me any reason to not trust him and the relationship in general is good so to suggest leaving him over a weird niggle seems a bit extreme.

I didn’t mean it’s not a great relationship because of what happened years ago - I think that is a nothing. He didn’t lie or cheat, she did. He has done absolutely nothing wrong from what you have described here.

I meant it’s not a great relationship if you feel this way and need to keep your eyes peeled and be vigilant about contact from another women. Form your posts you don’t seem to trust him.

I suggested leaving him if you don’t trust him. But you then say you do trust him, yet you need to be vigilant and keep your eyes peeled?

It all seems a bit contradictory.

@Dollymixture22 ok sorry, misunderstood your post.
I think I feel a bit contradicted which is probably why my posts sound that way! Perhaps if I explain it differently it'll make a bit more sense.
He's never before given me reason not to trust him. He has other female friends both past and present; some who I've met and others he's just talked about when the opportunity has arisen. He used to work in quite a female dominated environment from when he left school until his mid twenties so he developed quite a lot of female friends around this time - I don't have, and never had an issue, when he's met up with them or they've messaged him etc. It's never crossed my mind prior to this that he has cheated on me, or would cheat on me but something just felt 'different' in his reaction to this message from this woman who he was apparently so close with, yet she's never once cropped up in conversation.
That in itself, isn't enough for me to suddenly decide he's a cheat and to leave him, but it has given me a slight uneasy feeling. I guess I'm saying I don't know right now, it's the first niggle/ doubt I've had. Do I throw everything away based on this? Or do I give it a little while and see if she makes further contact?