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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Issue with relationships at work

33 replies

SoloD · 10/12/2019 06:10

I run a second office of the company, and I am responsible for recruiting and managing my team of 8 staff.

I recently employed a new member of staff, a very capable young woman, fluent in 4 languages, a good communicator and ambitious. She is also objectively very attractive.

Last week one of the directors of the company came to spend a week here, training the staff and preparing for new developments. He has been a friend for some time and I have been aware that he is in an unhappy relationship for some time (sadly with a child).

During the time he was here, he was quite flirty with the woman, to the point where I was thinking of having a word with him. But he soon left and I thought nothing of it.

But last night I get a phone call from him. He admits he spent 8 hours on Saturday texting with her and now can't stop thinking about her etc. And from the sounds of it the flirting is reciprocated.

I am not exactly thrilled by this, but I can see the allure of wanting to find happiness in a relationship. (Mine is not the best either) So I can sympathise to a degree.

But I annoyed as it is likely to damage the team dynamic, and perhaps I am being judgemental here, but I don't think that it is appropriate between a director and an employee.

Then I am also concerned why she is flirting with him, apart from this he is generally a nice and decent person, but he is not exactly attractive and despite the job title the company is small and ploughing all it's money into growing he is a long way from being rich.

I employed her as she came across as very professional and there is nothing she has done in work to make me change my judgement, certainly she does not flirt with the other staff.

I am not quite sure what I should do next. I really don't want to see a family split up, but I would like to support a friend. I don't want personal relationships to interfere with the running of my office. It just seems messy.

Any advice?

OP posts:

JoanBonJovi · 10/12/2019 06:23

You sooooo fancy her!!

Shoxfordian · 10/12/2019 06:24

Not your business
If they have an affair then they do. Nothing you can do about it.

JoanBonJovi · 10/12/2019 06:24

Things that are not your business:
why she finds him attractive

His family situation

MothershipG · 10/12/2019 07:02

As the director is close enough to confide in you then I think you need to point out to him how unprofessional he is being and unfair to his wife.

Maybe he could consider this a wake up call to make him realise his home situation needs to be resolved. He either needs to commit to improving it or leave.

If he's really a friend you could also point out what a difficult position he is putting you in!

FridayNightPJs · 10/12/2019 07:28

Its really not any of your business.

I understand that you are concerned it will impact upon the dynamics of the office, but not understanding what she sees in him etc is a little... odd.

Original poster

SoloD · 10/12/2019 09:03

JoanBonJovi,

And you are right, most of this is not my business. But I am being pulled into this as I am being asked to recommend that that director come over again to train a new member of staff i have recruited and was due to start in January but they now want earlier. I rather think this might be linked.

OP posts:

AIBanUemployee · 10/12/2019 09:12

I think it is OP's business. A director having a relationship with a direct report of the OP? I've been there and it was very uncomfortable.

It depends on the personalities involved of course but in my experience my direct report made a lot of capital out of her situation.

Chocolate123 · 10/12/2019 09:13

It's none of your business if it doesn't affect her working. You actually sound jealous as you are saying he's not very attractive etc. Maybe this is the reason it's bothering you

Original poster

SoloD · 10/12/2019 09:15

@FridayNightPJs

It was a point he raised actually. He wondered if he was being played so to speak. I can't imagine she would do that, but I am really bad at reading stuff like this, but if it does end in a car crash I can see huge conflicts of interest.

This happened to me before when I friend of mine got pregnant by a married senior executive. I was "asked" to put pressure on her (which I "agreed" to do, but actually was her friend and told her what they were saying) while the situation was buried and another job was found for her in a different department. I did not like it then and I definitely don't like this now.

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 10/12/2019 09:19

I would talk to him to consider the risks he is opening up for his company. If it doesn't work out with her then it could get very very difficult.

Tell him he is putting you in a difficult position. What if her performance were poor or some such thing, how would you handle it?

If he isn't rich, isn't attractive, they are in the same line of work and have spent a fair bit of time together then I guess they do both genuinely like each other.

Highlight the risks appropriately to your boss. Watch your back. Let it play out.

MyOwnSummer · 10/12/2019 13:09

She might be playing along because of the power imbalance. She might be genuinely interested, in which case she's ignoring the fact he has a wife. She might be looking to capitalise on the situation.

The first option? She needs protection from him. The second? She's an arse. The third? He's opening you up to a tribunal situation.

In all possible scenarios, this is going to be a tricky one for you unless they both come to their senses. Is it worth possibly trying to sound her out in a vague way, to check if she is comfortable? Option 1 is a possibility, in which case she may be quite scared and confused.

Original poster

SoloD · 10/12/2019 14:31

He has now left his partner. Which has been on the cards for a while.

@MyOwnSummer thanks yes I have started to sound her out. I am quite protective of my staff.

This is why I like Spreadsheets so much.

OP posts:

JoanBonJovi · 10/12/2019 18:12

Admit you fancy her!!

readitandwept · 10/12/2019 18:18

He's left his wife since you posted this morning, or since he was over last week?

pusspuss9 · 10/12/2019 18:20

for God's sake Joan, What's wrong with you?

MWNA · 10/12/2019 19:24

^😅😂

TowelNumber42 · 10/12/2019 19:34

I am due a name change. I am seriously considering ForGodsSakeJoanWhatsWrongWithYou because it made me laugh.

pusspuss9 · 10/12/2019 21:14

@towelnumber42

I am due a name change. I am seriously considering ForGodsSakeJoanWhatsWrongWithYou because it made me laugh.

go for it! (grin)

Stillsexystillsingle · 11/12/2019 05:21

I would say their relationship is none of your business too as long as their behaviour is professional at work and their relationship is played out outside of work. If one or other complains of feeling harassed, that's when you step in and act, not before. From the moral point of view I can understand why you might feel uncomfortable but if consenting adults choose to lie, cheat, have affairs, dump wives and kids after long marriages and so on then that is their choice to make and it's not for you to judge as you can never really know what's going on for another person . This sort of behaviour can be an indication of bad character but not in every case. Time will tell if he's using her, she's using him, they're both using each other or maybe they genuinely are two people who met, fell in love and ended their previous unhappy relationships in order to be together.

Stillsexystillsingle · 11/12/2019 05:31

By the way just because he's left his wife doesn't mean he's really left his wife if that makes sense. It can be a ploy to set the other woman up as a mistress - by pretending for a couple of months that he's fallen in love with her and left his wife for her - and return to the wife once he's got her hooked and then he's got both women. I've seen this happen in my workplace!

JoanBonJovi · 11/12/2019 07:00

Lol. Oh he does. In the movie version he will be there awkward geeky type who defeats the jock (the director) to WOO her 🥰

pusspuss9 · 11/12/2019 07:06

I just assumed the OP was a woman - don't know why .

Stillsexystillsingle · 11/12/2019 07:22

@SoloD at first I thought you were female then I reread the thread and thought you might be male but I don't think your gender is what matters here we all have feelings and that's the issue here. Is this situation making you feel uncomfortable because you wish you had the guts to do what the other guys doing?

Original poster

SoloD · 11/12/2019 08:02

He broke up with his partner yesterday.

Oh dear, seems I am giving off a male vibe? May explain a lot. No definitely a woman. And @JoanBonJovi sorry to disappoint but I don't swing that way.

My first post is a mixture of my thoughts and his. He has shared a lot of his feelings with me and his fears. Some of which I wrote in the posts.

Yes I am uncomfortable at several levels.

Professional. There is a power difference, which I don't like and previous companies I worked for, this would have not been allowed. I worry how this will affect the team dynamic when people find out, and what the expectations will be if things go wrong. (Because I would resign rather then engineer someone getting sacked).

Also I know this may come across as selfish but I have worked very hard to put a good team together, I have introduced smart working and more flexibility despite opposition from the leadership, and I have a great team. And it does annoy the hell out of me that the director is messing with that. I may be overreacting I realise.

Personally, I know his partner (not married) and daughter. I am not friends with her as such but I still find it sad to think of their daughter. Now I have sympathy for him, because I know he has not been happy for a long time, and I am not very happy in my own marriage, so I do get it. (and before anyone suggests this, while I like him and respect his skills and knowledge I do not nor have never fancied him) .

OP posts:

JoanBonJovi · 11/12/2019 12:16

Aaah. Yes. You were a bloke in my head. My whole movie script is in TATTERS

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