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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Karma? Affairs, the other woman.. words of advice.

51 replies

crossroads1 · 10/12/2019 00:58

Hi, I wanted to hear from other people who may have been in a situation like mine and whether they believe in karma.

Long story short - my ex was cheating on me, and left me for the other woman. This was over a year ago and I am now with someone new who I am head over heels for but when I see on social media that the two of them are still together and parading their relationship it still stings a bit. I also have to say he was an alcoholic and a drug addict and she used emotional blackmail such as slitting her wrists to get him to keep coming over to him. I know the relationship isn't a healthy one but for those of you who have been in a similar situation, what has been your experience? Do you believe in karma and do you think affairs are a good basis for a start of a relationship.

I know everyone says to me to stop looking at her social media and that I need to focus on me and my partner. It is not out of jealousy but merely curiosity, and for my ego to laugh at them when I thought they would come crashing down. But it looks from the outside that they are going strong and I just wish everyone knew how wrong he treated me and they way him and his new gf have started their relationship - it was based on a lie!!

OP posts:

xmaspartybull · 10/12/2019 04:55

Play the long game and just sit back and wait and in the meantime enjoy your new relationship. They say revenge is a dish best served cold.......

Fochit · 10/12/2019 04:58

Reading your post, surely the karma is that they’re both with the person they deserve.

JolieOBrien · 10/12/2019 05:09

Just bide your time ... things will change in the future for the happy couple and it won't be for the better.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/12/2019 05:24

You're happy and they're stuck in this awful rut. Is that not karma enough?

If you don't have children with him just block them both on social media. It's been a year. It's not healthy to keep checking up.

BarbedBloom · 10/12/2019 06:56

Karma doesn't exist. My ex is still with the woman he cheated on me with 10 years later and they have a child. I am happily married now and the logical part of me doesn't approve of how he behaved, but has accepted we weren't right for each other. Of course I know of some affair relationships that crashed and burned, but equally I know others where they are still together and almost everyone has forgotten about the affair part or decided it doesn't matter after 10/20 years.

I honestly believe now that living well is the best revenge. Relying on the idea of karma didn't bring me peace, it just made me sad and bitter when nothing happened to them. Far better to draw a line and find a way to move on and I say that as someone who has been there.

HugeAckmansWife · 10/12/2019 07:15

What the pp said. Stop looking at what they are doing. If you don't have kids there's no need for any contact at all. Karma does not exist.. At least not in the way you mean and whilst its human to want a little 'revenge' schadenfreude ultimately their success or failure should be irrelevant to your happiness or ego. My ex is married to his ow.. I have my own opinions about her and how they behaved but my life has moved on in every possible way and she is 100% welcome to him.

PermanentTemporary · 10/12/2019 07:23

By looking at this stuff you are only hurting yourself. It's a habit, try to break it.

Zapitalism · 10/12/2019 07:39

I personally didn't do anything to the OW in my case, didn't want to waste my energy or time on her waste of oxygen ass. But she did get hers back and I can't help but feel absolutely grateful that her life was f*cked up as much if not more than mine was in the end.

She didn't end up with my husband who cheated with her but hers she met and married after the fact sure did a number on her and I am so happy that she didn't get the happily ever after in the end. She didn't deserve it. If going around doing that with other people's husbands when she knows full well they are married and have a family she deserved to end up miserable and find out what it's like being on the other end.

Zapitalism · 10/12/2019 07:43

do you think affairs are a good basis for a start of a relationship.

And no, I don't. I think it's a disgusting way to treat people and if a couple starts out via an affair they deserve any bad will that comes. I would not and do not associate with anyone who is involved in or has had an affair that I know about and I wouldn't want to associate with anyone who thinks they're OK. It would give me an insight to their morals and personality. If they can be dishonest to someone they say they love and their family, imagine what they could do without a second thought to someone who's just a friend!?

Definitely not a good way to start a relationship for anyone involved... I still don't get how some think it's OK and think nothing of doing it. But IMO there's NEVER a good excuse or reason for an affair... Apart from being a selfish prick of course...

PinkMonkeyBird · 10/12/2019 10:18

Over a year ago I left my cheating ex too as he had been having an affair with a much younger work colleague! On leaving I immediately blocked them from my life and have gone from strength to strength.

The best thing is to get on with your life and don't even give them any headspace whatsover. Looking at them on social media, just to give your ego a boost, really isn't the answer. You are now in a new relationship...focus on that!

A year on and I'm in a new relationship with a wonderful man and have a fabulous circle of friends. They matter more to me than those two arseholes. Either way, I agree with one of the PP...a relationship from an affair is not a great basis to start from. I heard my ex pretended to some of his friends and work colleagues, that I had just left him out of the blue and 2 months later he and the OW then 'came out' about being together, saying they had just started the relationship at Christmas. Hilarious. People saw through it anyway!

In contrast, my new relationship is not built on lies

OP, block them on social media and just get on with your life!

hellsbellsmelons · 10/12/2019 10:23

In my experience there is no such thing as Karma!
Sorry, but it does not exist.
Assholes get away with stuff their whole lives.
Nice people have to deal with shit thing after shit thing.
There is no rhyme or reason to anything.

Sleepdeprived101 · 10/12/2019 10:57

I struggle with the concept of Karma.

My Exh continues to behave appalingly. In karma logic have i have done soemthing to deserve this?

itcamefrombeckyvardyself · 10/12/2019 11:05

Block on social media. What's the point in seeing what they are up to? You've moved on.

Friend is going through this at the min and karma
Or whatever is now happening to the ex.

It might be karma or it might just be that people
Who make choices like your ex and her ex keep repeating the same choices and behaviour in the end.

Stop giving them the head space.

Faith50 · 10/12/2019 13:13

I would advise that you block them on social media immediately. You are keeping them in your present and torturing yourself by looking at their goings and comings.

If you have moved on then you need to be happy with your new life. Whether they live blissfully or unhappily should have no bearing on the life you live. Let go.

LemonPrism · 10/12/2019 13:18

They already have their karma... they're together and if he's a druggie cheater and she's a manipulative drama queen (with possible psychological issues) then they're unlikely to be living in bliss!

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/12/2019 13:25

When my husband had an affair with a younger woman, everyone said "it won't last", I guess partly as words of comfort for me but when they were still together almost 2 years later it wore a little thin.

They did break up recently (he met someone else, surprise surprise) but I didn't feel much at all really. I think the biggest 'karma' for him is losing me and his family.

Lifecraft · 10/12/2019 13:34

Hi, I wanted to hear from other people who may have been in a situation like mine and whether they believe in karma.

Long story short - my ex was cheating on me, and left me for the other woman

If karma exists, then you have to ask your self what you did to someone else to deserve this. Because if karma is real, it wouldn't have happened to you unless you had it coming!

But fortunately karma is bollocks, so don't beat yourself up.

Goldenchildsmum · 10/12/2019 13:48

Imo you have to let this go. Whether he's happy or not is irrelevant to you or it should be. By holding onto this anger and pain you are only burning your own heart.

I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship with either your ex or his current partner - drugs, alcohol and mental abuse ? No thank-you

But also, and with respect, I wouldn't choose to be in a relationship with someone who hadn't yet let go of the past and couldn't block and delete and move on

rosamacrose · 10/12/2019 19:23

Karma.
I told someone (seeing as she'd asked) that I didn't believe in it because I couldn't think of anything I'd done in my life to deserve what happened to me.
She said it was probably something I'd done in a past life.
Good luck with that, then.
She was my manager.
Nope, didn't report to HR.
She's not working for the company now so did karma come for her?

FormerExOW · 10/12/2019 22:12

NO I DON'T BELIEVE IN KARMA IT DOESN'T EXIST. I AM LIVING PROOF.

When I was much younger I was an OW for about 5 years. I thought I was deeply in love. It was a classic Harvey Weinstein power abuse situation.

I worked with him. He was 17 years old than me super succesful in the job I wanted to do. He groomed me to worship him and it worked a treat. I was 20 years old and very naive - all girls school, no bfs.

He was a happily married man with a perfect family.

We had a very intense affair involving things I am shocked to think I did including sex on sofas in the reception at work after hours. Sex at work when we were both working at the weekend.

His wife never knew. People we worked with I'm pretty sure suspected but he went to great lengths to keep his wife away from work and work parties.

I found the whole thing deeply emotionally traumatic and it seriously fucked me up.

This is now 20 years ago. He and his wife are still happily married. His children all graduated university and are all doing successful stuff. His friends and wider family

I never had another serious relationship because it so screwed me over that I thought I could never trust anyone.

He had no consequences at all but got a massive amount of intense lustful sex together with adoration and attention for a 5 year period.

He was totally karma free. I was the one who paid with my emotional life.

FormerExOW · 10/12/2019 22:13

*His friends and wider family never knew a thing and all rate him as a top family man.

Fochit · 11/12/2019 09:17

NO I DON'T BELIEVE IN KARMA IT DOESN'T EXIST. I AM LIVING PROOF.

I think you’re living proof that, for you, it does, and your post confirms that.

For him, you don’t really know tbf. He could have all sorts of shit going on in his life that you don’t know about.

I have a friend whose DH had an affair. They’re still together and are very loving on the surface. She tells me she’s enjoying the effort he’s making to try and stop her leaving and their current lifestyle but the moment he gets sick, old, or can’t get it up anymore - she’s off.

merryhouse · 11/12/2019 09:27

Ok....

He's an alcoholic drug addict.

She slits her wrists.

Isn't that enough for you?

Faith50 · 11/12/2019 09:30

Fochit
Reading about your friend has made me wonder how many spouses are just biding their time and carefully planning their exit from the relationship.

JacquesHammer · 11/12/2019 09:32

If you’ve truly moved on just stop looking at their social media.

It isn’t curiosity, it’s a desperate wish for them both to hurt as they hurt you and that’s not healthy.

The best result is the life you’re living. Let them live theirs and move on.

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