Karma? Affairs, the other woman.. words of advice.

[crossroads1]

Hi, I wanted to hear from other people who may have been in a situation like mine and whether they believe in karma.

Long story short - my ex was cheating on me, and left me for the other woman. This was over a year ago and I am now with someone new who I am head over heels for but when I see on social media that the two of them are still together and parading their relationship it still stings a bit. I also have to say he was an alcoholic and a drug addict and she used emotional blackmail such as slitting her wrists to get him to keep coming over to him. I know the relationship isn't a healthy one but for those of you who have been in a similar situation, what has been your experience? Do you believe in karma and do you think affairs are a good basis for a start of a relationship.

I know everyone says to me to stop looking at her social media and that I need to focus on me and my partner. It is not out of jealousy but merely curiosity, and for my ego to laugh at them when I thought they would come crashing down. But it looks from the outside that they are going strong and I just wish everyone knew how wrong he treated me and they way him and his new gf have started their relationship - it was based on a lie!!

Wow, thank you for all of these insights.. and yes I know this is a habit I need to break. Curiosity keeps getting the better of me and that's why I check, I really don't know how to stop it sometimes!

The karma of him being a druggie cheater and her a manipulative psycho bitch were definitely true at the time.. I suppose I hate the effect social media has on mental health. Like a PP said I don't think ppl actually know how they began.. they kept things quite for a bit before they went 'public' and it angers me that they act like this perfect couple after they hurt they both caused me. I know social media is all a lie and everyone said the same thing 'they won't last' 'he'll do what he did to you to her' 'she'll get bored of him' and without him I know I am so much better off. It just hurts sometimes, is that still normal? its the hurt of being so wronged. The two of them could be with anyone else and I wouldn't care, I would laugh rejoice almost! but that they show to the world how 'happy' they are seems so unfair!

and in regards to karma, my bad karma was me having to be with him for all those years, even though deep down I wanted to leave, I just wasn't brave enough. Now I know to always listen to your gut.

Has anyone kept compulsively checking on the OW social media and are there any tips to break this cycle? Excuse my language but she's such a manipulative bitch and he's no better pumping himself with steroids and making himself broke trying to look rich. ok RANT OVER. Thanks all for listening.

You have to block everything. It's the only way.
I was like this.
Checking on them all the time.
But I blocked them on everything and don't really think about them much any more.
I did do it quite quickly though.
Maybe after 3 months.
So do it.
It's odd and it feels weird but you will so much happier if you can't keep looking.
You can do this!

Karma doesnt mean what you think it means.

It means you get a lower status in a future life.

Yes its just the 'scorned woman' in me that wants them to crash and burn but on the other hand my partner makes me so happy and I suppose if my ex and the OW have found something in eachother that makes them happy then its none of my business anymore. I just wish he had ended it with me properly and done the right thing rather than going behind my back. At least I would have a little bit of respect left for him.

I was an OW and a cheater.

DH and I were married to other people when we met. After a short affair we left our spouses to be together.

Almost 4 years later, we are married with a child, and number 2 on the way.

We are much better suited than we were to our first spouses.

We are both high earners and have a much nicer house and lifestyle than our exes (both lower earners).

The vast majority of our friends and acquaintances have accepted our marriage.

There's no such thing as karma, I'm afraid.

There's no such thing as karma, I'm afraid

Yeah, but you’ve got to be you. I wouldn’t be so sure....

If karma is real, I can wait outside the post office and mug the first pensioner that comes out, and steal their pension, safe in the knowledge that they had it coming. If they hadn't been such a vile person, they wouldn't have got mugged.

People who are mistreated and bang on about karma, never realise that if karma exists, they deserved to be mistreated. It was payback for them mistreating someone else.

Karma doesnt mean what you think it means
It means you get a lower status in a future life

I think people use it these days to mean "what goes around comes around" or if you don't do as you would be done by, you'll be done by yourself.

No such thing I'm afraid. I work in a male dominated field where affairs and general shagging around is open and rife. Most of these men are high earners, have an excuse to be at work late when often they are either in the wine bar with their work buds or in bed with their latest squeeze but have happy home life on paper. several stable happy children at private schools, wife at home who has no knowledge of the affair.

Not all of the men are flagrant about it. Some I only know about because particularly when we were all younger, female friends were the love struck mistress in the set up crying their eyes out to their friends because he wouldn't leave his wife. Any fool could have seen that would never happen.

My experience is that it is far more common for a man who appears to be happily married and of the 'he just isn't the type' sort where his wife is oblivious to have an affair and get away with it than anyone realises. I've seen it so often in my work life.

Even worse, I know two women who were the hot young mistress being used by men like this in a period when the wife was pregnant/immediately after birth. Both of these men stayed with their wives and as far as I am aware their wives remain unknowing.

It may be to do to with the area of business but if you have a job that makes it easy to account for your time outside of 9 - 5pm, you have a job that makes it easy to have an affair without any consequences.

@FormerExOW Oh, I dunno, it sure looks like Karma worked a treat though. And perhaps it is about time you actually accepted your responsibility in that affair. You are not an innocent 'victim' in it. There is a difference between choosing a career 'casting couch' to jump-start accelerate a career or being forced into sex. Fucking own your part in it!

Surely everyone knows it's wrong to fuck married men however old you are? Even 17 year olds must know this is considered foolhardy, immoral and they're 99.9% being used for sex.

And OP definitely stop looking at their social media. It's like picking at a scab that would heal if you left it alone. You'll feel so much better and you deserve that you know. :)

Did you post a very similar thread last week?

Clearly she isn't a happy person and probably has had pretty crappy experiences herself if she goes on like that and threatened to kill herself to blackmail a drug addict to keep seeing her. If karma exists then surely she's in a bad situation now herself anyway, your ex doesn't sound like a prize or anything!

What does your new partner think about all this social media stalking and obsessing about your ex?

Be happy that your ex is your ex. You don’t have to think about him anymore.

You should be grateful that the OW ‘took’ your waste of space Ex.

For someone who isn’t jealous and is totally into their new partner you do an outstanding job of acting the complete opposite.

Yeah, but you’ve got to be you. I wouldn’t be so sure

Agree. Being a low life cheat and then gloating about how wonderful it worked out... Takes a gem to do that. Definitely not someone I'd risk associating with.

I was an OW and a cheater.

Life isn't over yet. I'm sure you have what you deserve coming. Karma doesn't mean it gets you back the next day...... Give it time... And remember how much you gloated about being a deceitful *$#%! (vast majority isn't everyone BTW...)

much nicer house and lifestyle than our exes (both lower earners).

LOL at this bit right here. I bet they're both much nicer people than you two... What a materialistic, ridiculous measure on how life compares to where you were to where you are now.....

You sound just lovely and probably deserve each other... Hope it doesn't take long to backfire.... Which it probably won't :)

Agree with PP, not sure why you measuring life by your lifestyle etc but each to their own.

And to everyone who is saying 'I must be jealous' or 'why do I care?' etc .. I am only human and being left makes you insecure, you wonder 'whats wrong with me?' for the person to do that and 'is the OW better than me?' sometimes I get these days and that's why I also check, its hard to explain on here but in the grand scheme of things Im very grateful that I'm no longer with my ex but that doesn't mean it still doesn't sting every now and again. I have morals, so to me, I can't understand the deceit of some people, the OW included that go along with affairs and I never will understand. If you aren't in love with person let them go rather than playing two sides.

thank you azzizam.. maybe deep down I do have low self esteem from that which is why I can't leave the scab alone. My new bf is so loving and adoring, a genuinely good person and I feel so lucky that Im able to be with him. the events of the last year still feel surreal and that's what I need to shake off maybe. How I went from so bad to so good baffles me.

thank you @Azzizam.. maybe deep down I do have low self esteem from that which is why I can't leave the scab alone. My new bf is so loving and adoring, a genuinely good person and I feel so lucky that Im able to be with him. the events of the last year still feel surreal and that's what I need to shake off maybe. How I went from so bad to so good baffles me

I was going to start a thread on karma too.

Two of my exes who had other people lined up are in relationships. I am spending yet another Christmas on my own. They don't seem to get any come back for their actions.

On the other hand I messed someone around (didn't cheat) a long time ago. I seem to be paying for this by having no luck with relationships whatsoever.

I think you should just enjoy your new relationship. Have a lovely Christmas

I don’t think karma exist but...
My ex left me when I was pregnant for the OW
Because she had a kid and they had two more together my child support went to zero eventually .
I was a broke single mother on benefits

They married moved to his home country where most of his family lived then several years later he had affair divorced her and had another kid with his new wife
She had to come back to the uk broke, no home with two kids, no job, no money nothing at all .
Last thing I heard she has a council flat in a really dodgy part of my city and a minimum wage job .
Basically she is right back where she started when she was sleeping with my ex .

I on the other hand have been very happily married to my DH for 20 years
He’s been an amazing step dad to my DS and I love him to bits

We are quite wealthy & we want for nothing
Do I feel smug when I think about her . Yes I fucking do .
And exes karma is having another baby at 52 fuck me he looks knackered .
All his kids are over 18 and he has another baby
None of his kids speak to him either

So sorry for what your going through.

I personally don’t believe in karma.

I can relate to your situation though and maybe able to share some advice. At 25 I got in to a relationship. One night 2 years after we got together a friend bravely told me he had cheated on me with a girl I considered a friend of sorts. This had been 9 months previous and the baby she had given birth to was his.
It’s all so clear now but at the time it was like a nightmare. I left initially, but went back. So many reasons for this, I couldn’t bare it if they had got together and I had given so much why should I lose it.

I to, often told friends I was just staying for now etc, that’s because people judge if you stay.

For 6 months I was obsessed with her social media, pictures of the baby and wondering why her. He tried his best to prove he would be faithful but my insecurity was so intense.

I often thought I must have been a bad person to deserve such pain. Eventually I went to counselling and started to understand forgiveness (not easy when your so angry). It took time but I realised the only one holding on was me.

I did manage to stop checking her social media, now we have mutual friends and I smile when I see pictures of her husband and children. I understand we are all searching for love and belonging and that allows me to let go of the resentment.
As for me I did leave the relationship after 3 more years. He’s married with children.

When I met my husband we were both in relationships, there was no affair only a realisation that the relationships we were both in were not healthy. We ended them and then began dating.

My husbands ex believes we had an affair and now hates me like I hated the OW. Despite always conducting myself with dignity and self respect I am viewed by another person with contempt.

Choose forgiveness, not for them but for you so that you can move forward with a light heart and eyes on the future.

All my best XX

The best Karma is to get on with your life, be happy and leave them to their own lives. You know that you are better than them because you are not a cheating arsehole. They sound like they deserve each other. Block their social media and don't waste any more time on either of them. That is time which could be spent doing something more worthwhile like having fun with your new DP.

@Rubyking - I loved your post, thank you.
It's not easy to forgive. Every day speak your forgiveness out loud and let the universe deal with the situation. In time the forgiveness settles in you and you sense the lightness.
For two years or so I festered on bitterness about being replaced by a woman who later died of cancer. It had been me who finished the relationship! Crazy but true.
On reflection I realised that my finishing with my man had given this lady a year of extreme happiness before the awful cancer struck her down

My ex and I are now friends, go out to eat etc. She was far more suited to him.
Crossroads1 this horrible feeling will go in time and I do believe it is to do with low self esteem and rooted in childhood pain.
All the best to you and your lovely new fella ❤️.

Cheating is never ok and of course you want some revenge for the upset caused to you. That's natural. But sometimes I think you just have to accept that things don't always work out. He sounds like a horrible person anyway so isn't your karma the fact that you got rid of him and are now happy in another relationship? Maybe the person he's with now is more suited to him and they thrive off a toxic relationship?

Sorry but I don't think karma is a healthy way to look at things. You're essentially waiting around for things to go wrong for them. Forget them and live your life happily