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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex introducing OW to my children and I just need to vent

28 replies

Spritesobright · 09/12/2019 13:25

I know there's nothing I can do about it, but it's horrible.

My ex and I split up nearly 18 months ago when he left and it turned out he'd been having an affair for 6 months. I begged him not to introduce the woman to my children since they hadn't had time to process the split yet and he agreed.
He then broke up with her, got back together with her, and broke up with her again. So I'm particularly glad my children didn't meet her (in fact they had met her previously as she had been a 'friend' before the affair and had been to my home and met the children).
Then yesterday he messaged me to say that he and OW were back together and he was going to have her round for dinner with my children. Ugh.
Everytime I think I'm over it I feel like I get a kick like this. I wish it didn't affect me but it did.

After the split his mother refused to speak to me and hasn't done since. Even though we had been really close. My ex's father left and had an affair and his mother never really got over it and refused to have my ex's father at our wedding (she threatened not to come if we invited him).
So I just don't understand how he is going to suddenly introduce this woman to his family like nothing happened. It hurts that I now don't talk to them and suddenly she's going to 'replace' me.

My rational brain is telling me that they deserve each other and she's quite pathetic for having an affair then going back to him after hes' broken up with her twice(!). It's like they're all living in cloud cuckoo land...
I know I shouldn't care because I'm in a much happier, healthier relationship right now and I definitely don't want my ex back. I just also don't want this woman to be any part of my life.

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this?

OP posts:
PersephoneOP · 09/12/2019 13:59

This woman doesn't sound like the problem, it is your ex who is trying to integrate a person that he has an extremely unstable relationship with into your children's lives. And since he is their father he will always be in their life and so yours.

Sound like it sucks but also sounds like you're doing really well for yourself and you shouldn't let this bring you down or fixate on this woman

Bluebutterfly90 · 09/12/2019 14:03

Hold your head high, she can't replace you, and any attempt she makes to will just seem sad.
She won a cheating liar and they've already split up twice, she's probably not going to be on the scene for long.
A lot of cheaters relish the drama, dont give him any. Go completely blank about it, only respond with vague 'that's nice' type sentiments.
You're better than the pair of them. Flowers

anotherdisaster · 09/12/2019 14:08

Hi OP, it does totally suck and I've been there. I totally understand why you're not happy as this clearly is not a stable relationship if they have already broken up several times.
However, sadly you have no say in what your ex does now and it sounds like this is going to happen at some point. All you can do is be there for your children and make sure they see that you are happy and having healthy relationships yourself.
Once you get over the initial upset of them meeting her, things will calm down. The kids will likely not be that affected by it.

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/12/2019 14:21

Hi, it's crap isn't it?

Me and my ex husband separated two years ago when I found out he was having an affair and six months later when he told me he was going to introduce our kids to her I felt sick.

I felt like she'd got my husband and now she wanted the rest of my family. Our kids didn't know the real reason we separated so to them she was just Daddies gf and I just had to listen to them tell me about meeting her.

Anyway, she was 12 years younger then me and exh, didn't have kids and I don't think had that much interest in them after the initial novelty wore off. My exh broke up with her recently and then had introduced the kids to someone else within a few weeks.

I've come to realise that I can't control what he does and who he introduces them to so I try not to let it bother me. I am their mum and no-one else will fill that gap.

Original poster
Spritesobright · 09/12/2019 14:26

Thanks very much for the replies. It's so good just to get it off my chest.
@persephoneOP you're right that my ex is the one with the problem. He's very unhappy and is clearly using this woman as a sticking plaster on a much deeper wound that has caused him to completely dismantle the previously happy life we had. And I should probably feel sorry for her that she so pathetically wants to be with a serial cheater who has already dumped her twice.

Unfortunately my ex seems to have lost his common sense completely and is considering introducing her to his family at Christmas Eve. His mother is going to have a heart attack.
But yes, not my problem any more.
Bluebutterfly90 that's really kind. I'm trying really hard not to give in to the drama but couldn't resist asking him if she'd be there at Christmas as well. It's my first Christmas without my children and the thought of her being there sickens me.
I haven't seen my children since they met her so tonight I'm not going to ask about it at all. They seem to have largely processed the separation now so the last thing I want to do is dredge up more drama.

I'm sorry you've been there too, anotherdisaster. Did the relationship last?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spritesobright · 09/12/2019 14:31

Sunshine we cross posted. Yes, it is crap Smile. I think what beggars belief for me is that he actually thinks he can replace what was a happy, committed relationship with some pathetic fling and it will all work out fine and he won't have the exact same issues he had last time. What is wrong with these men thinking everyone including their kids should just adapt to the whims of their hearts -dicks-
But he really is a shell of the person he once was so if that's all she can get, then good luck to her.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 09/12/2019 14:33

Well he told me he had been seeing her for over a year (but he's a compulsive liar so I doubt that). Kids met her back in October and he's still seeing her although the kids don't seem to spend that much time with her.
Funny story - I bumped into them on Sunday by chance and I looked horrendous. Just my luck Angry

Original poster
Spritesobright · 09/12/2019 15:40

Anotherdisaster good for you that you can joke about it. You may not have looked your best but at least you're not a liar and a cheat.

OP posts:
Faith50 · 09/12/2019 16:21

I too would feel I was being replaced if my in-laws stopped speaking to me and ex was insisting on pushing ow onto dc . The ow cannot replace you but she will accompany your ex to family and friend and though painful you will have to accept this.

You are still holding a lot of pain and hurt. Did you receive any counselling?

I would suggest you keep contact with ex minimal. Only discuss dc. Try not to ask dc about the ow when they return from visiting. Ex and ow do not deserve to be in your headspace. The more you know, the more you will think of them.

Sandals19 · 09/12/2019 16:29

Can you not split Christmas so you have them some of it?

Your ex is an utter wanker and this is just another demo of it; so glad you're in nice relationship with someone else.

MsNobodyHere · 09/12/2019 16:35

I don't understand why people get funny about them being 'replaced' by their former in-laws. Ultimately the family member is the one they will be loyal to. I can't imagine snubbing my own child and partner in favour of a previous partner/husband/wife.

Original poster
Spritesobright · 09/12/2019 16:52

MsNobodyHere perhaps you haven't been through this or aren't close with your inlaws. Or maybe you're just completely lacking in empathy.
So the reason I 'get funny' about being replaced is that I moved to this country to be with my ex, so I have no other family here.
For 15 years I worked to build a relationship with his family and we were all very close. His mother and I had our ups and downs but we loved each other.
Then suddenly ex changes his mind and decides he can't commit and has an affair and they all drop me like a hot potato. None of them wrote to ask how I was doing or expressed any concern over the actions of their brother/son. His mother refused to even answer direct, practical texts relating to things she was keeping at our home and I needed moving.
So it's not 'snubbing' a family member to show some empathy or care for someone you've known for 15 years and was part of your extended family member when it's clear that that family member is in the wrong - it's called basic human decency.
HTH.

OP posts:
MzHz · 09/12/2019 17:04

Wow... his rotten apple didn’t fall far from the tree eh?

How can his mother just do that to you, when she knows how you feel? Wow. Stone cold bitch!

There is - as you know sadly - nothing you can do to change what people do or how they behave

If he wants to introduce his affair partner to your kids, that’s on him, all you can do is be there for them if they need you to be.

If that gives your mil a heart attack... oh well... that’s on him too.

Of course you’re going to feel odd about it all, but you’ll slowly manage your way through it and it won’t always be this hard. The best revenge is a life well lived.

You’re going to be fine in the end love.

MzHz · 09/12/2019 17:05

PS - I hoped you dumped all the shit your mil had left at your house...

Sunshineandflipflops · 09/12/2019 17:39

I was never that close to my MIL as we are very different people, but we got on ok, and I had known her son since we were 16 (we were 40 when he had an affair).

She came round to see me once, days after I asked him to leave and his sister texted me once. Within weeks of the affair, the MIL was posting lovely family photos with the ow, as was his sister. They knew they were friends with me on there and it just hit home how thoughtless they were, just like their son/brother. I unfriended them that day and haven't spoken to them since and haven't missed them one bit.

Yes they are going to be loyal to their own but empathy costs nothing.

Faith50 · 09/12/2019 18:16

sunshineandflipflops How heartless of them. Of course people move on but there was no reason to post 'happy family' photographs online and so soon after your break up.

I really believe people have no idea how others feel and show little empathy or consideration.

unicornsarereal72 · 09/12/2019 18:21

It sucks but you just have to try and rise above it.

I find few stock replies for the dc when they talk about ex gf. Go down well. Usually say that's nice. And change the subject. She was ow.

I would try and reduce the conversation with ex about the gf if i were you. Early on ex asked me about what I thought about the sleeping arrangements at his place. I said it was up to him and he had to decide what he thought was best. I would deflect the conversation if ex brings it up.

As for the mil. I miss what we use to have as extended family so very much. They were family to me and we were so very close. I hate that the relationship changed. And it still makes me very sad now.

I hope you have some lovely plans for Christmas.

lifeisgoodagain · 09/12/2019 18:30

Tricky, I'm in a different age category admittedly but I introduced my dd after 3 weeks, she's a young adult and I really think this is for the long term (watch for me eating my words in the new yearGrin) I'm yet to meet his due to him being a little cowardly about telling his ex wife, it's right to tell her first (I told my ex first). I'm not sure time is a factor, but permanency is. Sometimes you just know

Original poster
Spritesobright · 09/12/2019 20:51

Thank you for all the lovely replies. It really does help to know there are kind people out there. I really felt like I was getting on fine. I guess it's just the surprise of it.
I saw my DC tonight and they were all "mummy, mummy, mummy" and didn't mention meeting AT ALL. Which is perfect.
We decorated the tree together and had such a nice time.
I'm going to have them Christmas day evening and boxing day so it's not a total loss.
Sunshineandflipflops that's horrible. What thoughtless inlaws.

I think the idea of reducing contact with him is good. It had started to get a bit "friendly" again and actually, I want none of that.
Everytime I see him he's crying or feeling bad for himself and it's really not my problem anymore.

Onwards and upwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spritesobright · 10/12/2019 21:36

I'm feeling so much better about it now. It's not like I actually want to be with my inlaws at Christmas. They're pretty dysfunctional right (3/4 siblings recently separated) and exmil is having problems with her partner.
And honestly I don't think it will last with ex and this woman when they've been so up and down and he's been miserable lately.

But the most important thing, as a couple of pps mentioned, was just not to give them any headspace.

OP posts:
MzHz · 11/12/2019 08:13

I’m pleased you’re feeling better about this, this is really good and will help you immensely

Keep busy and keep moving forward the only thing that matters in all this is “Are the kids ok with the this” and if they are that’s fine

You’ll get there, zero headspace is the way :)

ravenmum · 11/12/2019 09:17

Don't look at it so negatively - my ex's OW broke up with him a few years down the line (cheated on him) and I like to imagine that it was partly due to getting to know her FIL and seeing the future she had to look forward to with my ex :D

Original poster
Spritesobright · 11/12/2019 11:11

ravenmum that's hilarious. My ex MIL is certainly no picnic at times and I can't imagine her accepting the OW. But that's his problem now.
And yes, my DC are absolutely fine and well adjusted now.
They didn't mention meeting her at the weekend AT ALL.
But I am going to scale back my contact with ex and try to push for the divorce to move forward again.
He's been dragging his feet with the financial proposal and it just needs to get done.

OP posts:
MsNobodyHere · 11/12/2019 12:01

Yeah. I have been there thanks. I haven't heard from my former ILs since exH and I split.
HTH

purpleboy · 11/12/2019 12:20

Well them maybe you can show a bit of empathy and compassion msnobody
Surely your not totally incapable of realising other people feel differently, just because your cold hearted and don't give a crap doesn't mean op shouldn't.