Is there ever going to be a nice way to put this-weight gain?

[fedup21]

DH has put on a lot of weight over the last few years. He was about a 36 waist when we met-he now just about squeezes into a 42, but they are straining and his stomach is hanging over the top of it. None of his clothes fit, he doesn’t wear clothes I buy (I’ve always bought him clothes and returned stuff he doesn’t like as he hates clothes shopping as he thinks he looks crap) and he looks pretty awful. He has a couple of pairs of jeans-neither of which fit-they just slide down so are handing around his thighs with his stomach, pants and arse clearly visible to everyone. His tops aren’t long enough but when I say anything, he says he doesn’t need new clothes, just to lose weight. He lives in a black hoodie which is horrible. I have posted about this before-from an asking for clothing suggestions point of view if this sounds familiar to anyone.

I cook healthily, suggest we go out and do stuff, have done slimming world (he won’t go but says he’ll eat what I do, but then doesn’t). So he eats loads of cereal and toast, eats too fast, fries with loads of oil, eats big portions, doesn’t drink enough water, stays up too late and eats. I think he’s probably depressed and comfort eats as well.

I try to be positive and supportive but actually, it’s gone on years now and I’m actually finding myself being embarrassed by him (I see other people laugh and flinch/look away when his gut is hanging out underneath his t-shirt). I avoid introducing him to colleagues or going to parents evening with him. I hate feeling like this and am sure people will reply telling me I’m a cow.

I have approached it from a exercise/healthy eating point of view, I have approached it from a clothing point of view, I’ve approached it from a health point of view-a fair few people we know have had heart attacks recently-including his brother who actually died from his a couple of years ago, but that is having no impact and is probably making him more depressed.

What is really affecting me now is our sex life. He is so big (which seems to make him lazy) which means if we have sex, it usually ends up with him lying there whilst I’m bouncing around on top. This has never been my favourite position-though happy to go 50/50 but I’ve now got a dodgy knee and this kills for a few days afterwards. If I don’t do this, I end up doing other ‘stuff’ to him as if he goes on top (which I used to like), his stomach is so big a-it squashes me so I can’t breathe and b-is so big that he can barely get inside me so it’s deeply (or rather shallowly-sorry) unsatisfying. It makes me not want to have sex, which probably makes him feel shit, me feel shit and the whole things spirals and gets worse.

Here’s my problem though-nothing else I’ve tried has worked, do I just put up with a partner who is eating himself into an early grave like his brother? He doesn’t see that him eating and eating has an impact on me. I want him to lose weight so we can have a good and fulfilling sex life-seeing him eating rounds and rounds of toast is making me depressed and utterly turned off. He’s getting bigger and bigger.

How can I say this though without sounding like a bitch-which you no doubt will think I am being? Basically, I’m saying -‘lose weight as you’re not up to it in bed’.

I am well aware that if this was a man posting about his overweight wife, he’d get his arse handed to him on a plate, but actually-I’m the one who has had several of his babies, breastfed his babies etc etc and still managed to be a normal weight-his weight gain isn’t down to pregnancy, childbirth or child rearing, it’s down to nothing but overeating.

I am jealous of people with husbands of a normal weight. We watched a program on Henry Viii last week and I felt like Catherine Parr (not quite young enough for Katherine Howard!) having to sleep with this morbidly obese old man and it hit home to me in a silly way. I actually can’t put up with this any more.

How the hell do I phrase this without destroying him? Or can’t it be done?

OP no flaming here. This would really affect me too.

You have to go with the health aspect. If his brother passed away young then that is a huge thing.

You need to start a serious conversation where you tell him that you cannot any longer watch him eat himself into ill health and an early grave. It would be the same if he were chain smoking - would you sit there and say nothing and just live with it?

You CAN get this conversation going without mentioning the word 'fat'. What is happening here is that he is depressed and his food addiction is his crutch to cope with it - high carb hits, big portions. Only it doesn't work because it just messes up his metabolism more and makes him feel shitter - no energy, highs and lows making him feel crap, lack of exercise also impacting.

Doctor. Antidepressants. Exercise you can both do together.

But the bottom line: his lifestyle is depressing you too and you can't cope for much longer.

Was initially going to reply and say there isn’t anything you can do to change the way your DH sees his weight. As somebody who has struggled with my weight all my life I know that somebody pointing it out and trying to “help” only makes it worse. But some of the points you make I can completely understand why it’s become a problem for you.
My partner is overweight more so than me but it doesn’t affect anything between us and he is very aware and uncomfortable with his weight and will take steps to exercise/eat healthier and lose weight. Unfortunately he falls off the wagon at times and puts some back on again but I am the same, always on some kind of diet etc. I wouldn’t dream of telling him that his weight is bothering me because it doesn’t bother me but if it was bothering me for any reason then I still don’t know if i would say anything. If it was the other way around and a partner said it to me I would be mortified and upset no doubt.
In my opinion losing weight has to be something you choose to do for yourself and all you can do is encourage him to want to lose it himself.
I understand the health side of it though, I have several family members with family links to heart attack’s, diabetes etc and they continue to eat and be overweight, no amount of telling them it’s unhealthy seems to matter.
I hope you can find a way to support your DH in wanting to lose weight and find some happiness for yourself x

No flaming here OP. I’m a size 18 myself, so not skinny but it’s kind one of all over rather than a huge tum. To be honest my big issue would be however much I liked the guy I simply couldn’t fancy him at all like that .. I know that sounds harsh but I guess it’s honest . There’s a difference between could do with losing a stone or two or obese. It really depends how great the rest of your relationship is. If the only big downer is weight you are I think going to have to be upfront and day you are concerned

I think there is room for honesty here. You are not complaining that you don't find him attractive - you are saying that his weight is making sex logistically difficult and unpleasant for you.

You are also concerned that he is at risk of health problems which could lead to early death.

I think there is a big difference between superficially judging someone based on their looks and expressing concern over something which has an impact on your life. If he was a very heavy smoker and therefore had breathing issues and this led to an unsatisfying sex life it would be the same.

You are entitled to say something. Because you have done all the adapting he may think your sex life is great and he needs to understand that you are not enjoying it.

''How can I say this though without sounding like a bitch-which you no doubt will think I am being?''

Oh bless you. Umm.....no. You don't sound like a bitch at all. The bottom line is that your husband is unhealthy. Good health is sort of key to most people's sexual attraction because there are powerful reproductive and evolutionary forces behind it!! That doesn't mean that every man needs to have massive biceps , but at the very least, people expect their partner to be in the healthy BMI range, give or take a few pounds.

It is hard to lose weight. No one is saying it will be easy, but he needs to initiate it. If he doesn't he doesn't care about himself or you enough to try, Imagine if he smoked several packs of cigarettes a day, so much so that it was giving him serious asthma and meant he could no longer walk up a small hill without really struggling. It's not much different to that.

You have done everything you can to help him. The hardest part for you now will to start accepting that you can only do so much. He might need to see a therapist for this.

Staying up late and a disrupted sleep cycle will mess up his melatonin which can also have effects on appetite and slow down his metabolism. There are some studies I think between weight gain and little or erratic sleep. I have experienced this hunger myself. During a part of my life when I experienced insomnia, I could eat a full healthy meal and be so hungry two hours later, like I hadn't had that meal at all. Tiredness and lack of hydration will both mean he will reach out for carbs and sugars which give him a short lived kick start, but will of course lead to weight gain.

It's easier to dish out this advice than to act in it, but by continuing have sex with him you are sending him the message of 'I don't like this, but I accept it'. The message needs to be just 'I don't accept it'. Don't let anyone make you feel bad (including him) for not wanting to have sex with someone who's obese or on their way there. You care about him but like many women (myself included), you need to take a step back and realise that he is an adult, not your child. He is responsible for his own health & weight.

Oh OP. You’re not a bitch. This makes total sense. I’m afraid I don’t have advice but can share your frustration to a much lesser extent. I have an overweight husband who seems to have totally blanked the issue.
I’ve signed us both up for expensive health checks so I’m hoping a dr will tell him to sort it out. Good luck and please take it easy on yourself. X

Tell him he is too big for you to enjoy sex yuk sounds horrible

FWIW I don’t think a man posting ‘sensitively’ about their wife being overweight gets flamed. I’ve seen posts where men have worded their OP’s well and not been flamed at all- but the majority are worded very badly 😂

If it’s not a short term thing (sudden weight gain or an issue lasting less than 6-8 months)
If there’s not a reason (pregnancy, bereavement, illness, medications, depression...etc)
And if you’ve tried subtly changing things (cooking healthily, shopping healthily, gentle encouragement...etc)

Then you are 100% entitled to raise a partners weight as a genuine concern. You’re within your rights to sit him down and have a very frank conversation (not mean though).
It’s then DH’s choice what he wants to do but you are not vain or terrible for not being attracted to someone who has totally let themselves go and takes no pride in their appearance.

I was/am on the other side of this. I've put on so much weight since we got married and had children that not only am I feeling non sexy, I. I longer have the agility to participate like I used to. My husband broached the subject with me and asked how he could support me losing weight for both our happiness. I understood where he was coming from and we made a plan. He consistently looks after the children so I can go and work out 5 times a week and eats healthily with me. So far I've lost 2 stone and feel so much better. 2 more would have me ecstatic but it's a long road. I didn't get offended he mentioned it, in fact it was a relief to be able to face it and have motivation to tackle it.

Thank you for all of your posts-I have read them all and really appreciate your advice.

I need to have the conversation, I just don’t know how to start it.

The conversations we’ve had before, always result in him saying, ‘well, I try to lose weight and then YOU arrange to see our friends for a take away and then I put on the half a stone I’ve lost and then get totally demoralised’.

His weight does seem to fluctuate a lot (but mine did when I did WW years ago-I just didn’t weigh myself every day as it changed so much) but a-I need to see our friends as they ask when we want to get together and I can’t say, ‘no, we aren’t free ever as DH might want to lose weight’ and other people manage to have a social life and stay a normal weight and b-it’s the rounds of toast with butter and cereal, large chocolate bars and second helpings that are making him obese, not the odd curry with our mates every other month. I get he’s unhappy and embarrassed with his weight and probably it’s easier to blame me for it, but I want a productive conversation and I want him to know how I feel without him blaming me for it.

Oh this has been an issue for both of us for years - we just like our food! I found that my dh responded really well to the idea of 5:2, we both stuck to it and lost weight.

There was something 'not weight-watchers' about it and he managed brilliantly. It's easy to do something twice a week.

(We fell off the 5:2 wagon though, wobble wobble!)

I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you find it worrying and unattractive - ok maybe not the second bit to his face. Worrying though. I have put a lot of weight on recently (perimenopause) and tbh my main motivator for trying to lose it is a better sex life, after health of course.

I think to be able to diet successfully, you have to not have the food in the house. It's the only thing that works for me. If it's not there, I can't eat it.

Perhaps when you have had the conversation, you just say that when the excesses of Christmas are out of the way, you are not having chocolate, crisps, biscuits or cereal in the louse. Low fat butters/spreads, lots of fruit etc is the way to go. He needs to walk every day, even if that's the only exercise he gets.

I may be wrong but I am assuming he doesn't work? Only because you have said about the clothes issue. If so, how does he fill the day? He sounds depressed too.

I may be wrong but I am assuming he doesn't work? Only because you have said about the clothes issue

He works full time in the city. He is a tech tutor so doesn’t have to posh up. He will wear a shirt and jacket to work though which looks more presentable than what he wears at home.

Techy type, not tech tutor!

I really feel for you. You’ve done everything people usually suggest and he’s obviously not bothered or he’d be making changes. He has to want to and he doesn’t.

I’d stop having sex. Sucks for you but better than rubbish sex with a lazy, unattractive, immobile partner. Take it off the table for now and tough luck if it hurts his feelings. Attraction is conditional, that’s normal. It’s no measure of love.

I really feel for you as my Dad was very overweight and would never accept it despite so many conversations. It sounds positive that he has tried to lose weight before and I can understand how it can be demoralising if he's lost some and then a takeaway has put it back on. I always put on weight if i have a takeaway as they gave so much oil and salt in them. If you really want him to succeed you'll need to get you're friends on board and find different ways to socialise. Good luck

His tops aren’t long enough but when I say anything, he says he doesn’t need new clothes, just to lose weight. He lives in a black hoodie which is horrible

I get this totally. I've been overweight and really felt like I didn't want to buy clothes in my new fat size because it would be having to admit how fat I was and would be a waste of money. I kept thinking I'd lose weight but didn't until I was mentally in a place to do that.

You have no interest in clothes shopping because you feel like you look terrible anyway so lose interest in trying to look nice.

Anyone who is overweight knows they are fat, unattractive and its bad for them health wise. Anyone who is overweight also knows what they need to do to improve the situation. Believe me you don't need to tell him. You don't a way to tell him nicely because he knows. He is probably self-repulsed which is a hard thing to deal with mentally and makes you feel even worse and less likely to do anything about it.

For most overweight people, the issue is a mental one and finding the motivation to do something about it.

This is what I'd suggest but totally personal and based on what I think would have worked for me and depends on whether you can afford it.

First up, book an appointment at a department store for a personal shopper and go with him, go with a budget and buy 3 outfits that actually fit him which will be flattering - a casual off duty outfit, something smarter for work and some exercise clothes (including good supportive trainers which you should ideally get from a sports shop but go with the dept store for now if its tough to get him to a shop).

Second, book a week away somewhere that will get him out of his home rut and kick start his weight loss weight that will work for both of you. I don't mean one of those hard core run up and down mountains boot camps but something gentler- like a detox week at a health farm or a weight loss week at spa in Thailand. It maybe you can't do this because of the time or family commitments or costs.
Some UK spas have weekends for this type of thing. Just something where its easy to exercise by having a swim or a gym on site or even a long walk round a beautiful park.

Third, if he gets going be really encouraging and praising and try to keep a new routine going when you get back. Always going for a 10 minute walk before dinner or whatever you can sort out. Get a dog make him walk the dog.

The big problem if you are the overweight person is finding that motivation to get out of the rut.

like a detox week at a health farm or a weight loss week at spa in Thailand

That is logistically not going to happen sadly-too many children and not enough cash. I also don’t think I would get him into a shop with a personal shopper-I’m not sure where would cater for his sort of size either.

Thank you for your reply though-it’s given me an insight into how he might be thinking.

Had your spouse told you that your weight gain was making sex impossible and unsatisfying, would that have made you want to lose weight or just depress you even more?

The thing is, it sounds like he is taking no responsibility for his weight at all. To blame you is a joke! As you said, it is the day to day unhealthy and over eating that is causing the problem. This is no doubt adding to your feelings of going off him.

If I were you I would sit down with him, and tell it to him straight. I mean, his brother has died so he isn't going to take the subtle approach is he?

Talk about health, your future together and gently mention the attraction/sex side.

Tell him you are no longer going to sit and watch him kill himself and he needs to decide if he is really going to do something about it. Or not. If he does, then of course you will support him.

It also sounds like he needs something in his life to make up for the comfort eating, some new interest so that he has something to look forward to, rather than six pieces of toast!

No, I agree-he isn’t. I just can’t live like this forever. I want a normal husband and a normal size life. I was googling positions that you can have sex in when someone is overweight but then got quite cross. Why should I have to put up with a bloody sex intervention just because he won’t stop eating?

You need to take a stronger line, then. Make it CLEAR that you are at.the.end.of.your.tether!!!

Him: ‘well, I try to lose weight and then YOU arrange to see our friends for a take away and then I put on the half a stone I’ve lost and then get totally demoralised’.

You: 'NO! Other people manage to have a social life and stay a normal weight! -it’s the rounds of toast with butter and cereal, large chocolate bars and second helpings that are making you obese, not the odd curry with our mates every other month! I cannot live like this any longer. This is going to break us. I won't watch you kill yourself with food.'

The way I see it, you need to put it ALL on the table, no holding back. Tell him everything you're feeling and how it's affecting you. It's at the point where your marriage is 5 minutes from over because your frustration and resentment has built up to a point you can't manage anymore. I certainly couldn't cope with this.

You need to speak out. A 42” waist is huge and very unhealthy.

Tell him how it’s making you feel.

I have had this issue too albeit not quite up to 42 inch waist size of your DH.
I know my DH can lose weight because we both lost a shit load before we got married.
I have never said to him I don't fancy him as much at his current weight because I feel like I'd never be able to take a comment like that back, so I've tried everything else cooking well etc, he's not big into exercising etc. I've tried bribery, negative and positive reinforcement which I hate because it's like he's a child.
I too struggle with the sex issue since he's been bigger but one thing that appears to have worked is saying I'll make more effort with the sex if he makes effort with the gym. And he has! Now lost half a stone and got about another stone to go. Fully appreciate it will go out the window after Xmas but I've told him how proud I am of him and he says he will crack on with it still.
According to his friends at work last week they offered to buy him fish and chips at lunch and he declined telling them he's losing weight. Fingers crossed it continues.

You: 'NO! Other people manage to have a social life and stay a normal weight! -it’s the rounds of toast with butter and cereal, large chocolate bars and second helpings that are making you obese, not the odd curry with our mates every other month! I cannot live like this any longer. This is going to break us. I won't watch you kill yourself with food

Yes, I think that’s the crux of it all. I just need to pick my moment. Two weeks before Christmas?!