Is there ever going to be a nice way to put this-weight gain?

[fedup21]

DH has put on a lot of weight over the last few years. He was about a 36 waist when we met-he now just about squeezes into a 42, but they are straining and his stomach is hanging over the top of it. None of his clothes fit, he doesn’t wear clothes I buy (I’ve always bought him clothes and returned stuff he doesn’t like as he hates clothes shopping as he thinks he looks crap) and he looks pretty awful. He has a couple of pairs of jeans-neither of which fit-they just slide down so are handing around his thighs with his stomach, pants and arse clearly visible to everyone. His tops aren’t long enough but when I say anything, he says he doesn’t need new clothes, just to lose weight. He lives in a black hoodie which is horrible. I have posted about this before-from an asking for clothing suggestions point of view if this sounds familiar to anyone.

I cook healthily, suggest we go out and do stuff, have done slimming world (he won’t go but says he’ll eat what I do, but then doesn’t). So he eats loads of cereal and toast, eats too fast, fries with loads of oil, eats big portions, doesn’t drink enough water, stays up too late and eats. I think he’s probably depressed and comfort eats as well.

I try to be positive and supportive but actually, it’s gone on years now and I’m actually finding myself being embarrassed by him (I see other people laugh and flinch/look away when his gut is hanging out underneath his t-shirt). I avoid introducing him to colleagues or going to parents evening with him. I hate feeling like this and am sure people will reply telling me I’m a cow.

I have approached it from a exercise/healthy eating point of view, I have approached it from a clothing point of view, I’ve approached it from a health point of view-a fair few people we know have had heart attacks recently-including his brother who actually died from his a couple of years ago, but that is having no impact and is probably making him more depressed.

What is really affecting me now is our sex life. He is so big (which seems to make him lazy) which means if we have sex, it usually ends up with him lying there whilst I’m bouncing around on top. This has never been my favourite position-though happy to go 50/50 but I’ve now got a dodgy knee and this kills for a few days afterwards. If I don’t do this, I end up doing other ‘stuff’ to him as if he goes on top (which I used to like), his stomach is so big a-it squashes me so I can’t breathe and b-is so big that he can barely get inside me so it’s deeply (or rather shallowly-sorry) unsatisfying. It makes me not want to have sex, which probably makes him feel shit, me feel shit and the whole things spirals and gets worse.

Here’s my problem though-nothing else I’ve tried has worked, do I just put up with a partner who is eating himself into an early grave like his brother? He doesn’t see that him eating and eating has an impact on me. I want him to lose weight so we can have a good and fulfilling sex life-seeing him eating rounds and rounds of toast is making me depressed and utterly turned off. He’s getting bigger and bigger.

How can I say this though without sounding like a bitch-which you no doubt will think I am being? Basically, I’m saying -‘lose weight as you’re not up to it in bed’.

I am well aware that if this was a man posting about his overweight wife, he’d get his arse handed to him on a plate, but actually-I’m the one who has had several of his babies, breastfed his babies etc etc and still managed to be a normal weight-his weight gain isn’t down to pregnancy, childbirth or child rearing, it’s down to nothing but overeating.

I am jealous of people with husbands of a normal weight. We watched a program on Henry Viii last week and I felt like Catherine Parr (not quite young enough for Katherine Howard!) having to sleep with this morbidly obese old man and it hit home to me in a silly way. I actually can’t put up with this any more.

How the hell do I phrase this without destroying him? Or can’t it be done?

I just need to pick my moment. Two weeks before Christmas?!

Yes, now. If I were you, I wouldn't be able to wait. Tell him you want to start the new year on a new path, because if you don't, your marriage is not going to survive.

What weight is he?

There is a tablet proven to help with weight loss- it's called Alli over the counter now in Boots, but he could get it from the doctor at a stronger dose.

I suggest seeing his GP, as they can try him on meds and also encourage him to go along to a slimming club (he might respond to them telling him to go, and I think they sometimes prescribe it, so it's free.)

He could also discuss any underlying depression, and maybe get treatment for that.

You could approach this by saying you've heard people can get the tablet, Orlistat, from the doctor.

The thing is he wants to lose weight too, so if you give him suggestions he might be ok with it- if you phrase it as having heard of things he can try.

Maybe you could try this, and if it doesn't work, bring out the 'big guns' and say you're not happy with the sex? Although it'd be perfectly reasonable for you to say that.

I'm having hypnotherapy to try and stop overeating (I'm not overweight but I don't/didn't feel able to control what I eat, and wanted to nip it in the bud) IDK if it works or not, but at the very least it's something he could try? Pick a hypnotherapist who's also a trained counsellor/therapist/psychologist, and this might also be a sneaky way you could get him to have some therapy for his depression.

I feel for you! It's awful having sex with someone you don't really fancy. xxxxxx

Also a GP might help him with a diet plan, or refer him to a dietician.

Would he go to the doctors? My ex put on a lot of weight when we were together, it took weeks of asking but I managed to get him to agree to see the GP and I went with him. He had high blood pressure, he was also referred on and eventually diagnosed with type two diabetes and a fatty liver.

I had hoped he would take his diagnosis seriously, he didn’t as he told himself that medication would solve his problems. But for many people a health scare does cause them to male changes.

No flaming from me OP. It’s an awful conversation to have, but I do think it needs to be laid out on the table.
I think I might get flamed for saying this, but I would actually find it quite disrespectful if my OH made no effort with his appearance (obviously, if depression is at play, that is a different scenario). Walking around in the same hoody whilst you are compromising your physical well being to have sex with him would piss me right off!

Hello! I think that what I would do is focus on why your DH is gaining weight. If it is comford eating then shaming him might make him feel worse and therefore perpetuate the behaviour. Everything works in cause and effects, and the main way to remove the effect is to attack the problem at the root. There is a risk if only the effect gets touched on, the effect might change to another problem. I think that I would have a conversation with him, I wouldn't mention weight or anything. I would just ask him if he was okay, if he wanted to talk about anything or if anything was on his mind. Fundamentally he needs to decide to make the change himself and then if he decides to make that choice THEN you can ask him what he wants you to do to support him.
Best wishes

I would just ask him if he was okay, if he wanted to talk about anything or if anything was on his mind.

This is probably the crux of the issue. There is other stuff on his mind that I think he can’t see a way out of so is unhappy and misery eating . That doesn’t really help this situation though as I can’t ‘solve’ the other things.

I think it's always best to say, I'm going on a healthy eating kick so will be trying out these recipes from hairy bikers (which are totally lush by the way and don't feel remotely like dieting. Don't buy bread. Have lots of crackers in and stuff like Philly lite or humous. Have a bowl piled with packets of low fat popcorn and those crispy bars drizzled with dark chocolate. All feel like a treat. Stock the fruit bowl. However I wouldn't sugar coat it but would say you are concerned for his health and if he says you don't fancy me do you (and I have had it said) I actually said I still love you a lot but physically would prefer it if you got a few pounds off if I am honest. As sex for me is quite hard going at the moment. It might do the trick. I think you can suggest and support but if he just shows no desire to lose it, then at that weight it's bloody disrespectful to you-- it's not just the odd stone or two

Don't buy bread.

That really stuck out for me. I eat toast for breakfast and I make sandwiches for me and the kids for lunch-I always have done. I just don’t like cereal. Not buying bread would be a right pain for me.

Does that make me not supportive?

I don't think it makesyou unsupportive- bread is a staple food.

I struggle not to eat certain foods and what my bestie/ex did is put a padlock on the cupboard containing those foods, and hide the key. I think it included bread, actually.

He could have a little bit out of this 'treat cupboard'/bread and cereal cupboard and then you could take the key back.

That would be a bit difficult OP, bread is a pretty normal thing to eat especially for kids lunches etc. And cereal isn't healthy anyway. And your husband could just buy bread himself.

You can be supportive but you can't do it all for him and remove every single obstacle and temptation.

OP, could you try using alternatives to bread for your sandwiches ie thins, whole meal wraps. Still getting carbs, but less likely to put butter on them?
I’m not a cereal person either, but I find geek yoghurt, fruit and honey a really good alternative

Greek* not geek

There is other stuff on his mind that I think he can’t see a way out of so is unhappy and misery eating

Thing is though, not every overweight person is eating purely out of depression. I'm saying this as a lifelong overweight person myself. It's usually a mixture of comfort eating, laziness and bad habits. The bottom line for most is that toast tastes amazing and dieting is unpleasant. So we make our choice.

So worrying overly about "what is causing this" won't help. Everyone is unhappy sometimes and has day to day stress. He has to lose weight anyway. Don't let that be another excuse for him.

If you are used to the slimming world way of weight loss, they do awesome recipe books with loads of options for 'fake aways' so he could have a curry when your friends come over, it's just a low fat, healthy curry. The recipes for the fake aways are really good and l actually prefer them to full fat, oily versions from the take away.

Slimming World isn't about depriving yourself, it's about finding alternatives that you can eat without affecting your weight loss. He could still eat bread, just in moderation. It's retraining him to make sensible choices and realise what is a normal portion. Send him to work with a SW packed lunch so he is less likely to pop out to the chippy at lunchtime or buy cakes. There are ways to make a low fat, sensible calorie alternative for most foods.

I think perhaps a GP appointment with you going along too to express your concerns would be sensible. If he's that big then a health check wouldn't be a bad idea anyway. Use the fact that we are rapidly approaching New Year to start afresh and focus on the entire family becoming healthier. Exercise is going to help. If you don't want to get your own dog, there are websites where you can apply to walk other people's dogs which is a fun alternative to having your own dog. Walking regularly will make a big difference to his energy levels and fitness without straining him too much. Once he starts to improve his fitness through walking, the next step will be a gym membership. Classes and personal training are good for motivation and accountability.

Had your spouse told you that your weight gain was making sex impossible and unsatisfying, would that have made you want to lose weight or just depress you even more?

I don't and didn't have a spouse so this is difficult to answer. I will give you my thoughts about a bf saying this to me when I was overweight.

Please remember though this is just me and my thoughts. People's reasons for over eating vary enormously as do people's personalities and how they react

I think that if there were any suggestion of 'you are too fat so I don't find you attractive, lose weight or I'm off', it would have just confirmed to me everything I ever thought about myself. It would have made me even more depressed and made me want to eat more. I'd have thought 'well of course you are repulsed my me. I hate myself. why wouldn't you hate me too? I always knew it. You fuck off then. I'll see you at the bottom of the chocolate cake.'

If some had wanted to help me then, I think what would have maybe worked was a very serious pre-warning of I want to talk to you about something serious that affect our relationship. Almost like an appointment to talk about it so I would have known it was serious when we were alone - so if you have children no children in the house.

This is going to go to the core of his over eating problem and is going to be very distressing.

Then to say

I love you very much. I've always found you attractive. I want you to be here for me and our children for 10, 20, 30 years.

I am really really worried about you because it seems to me that you have given up caring about yourself and you are on a downward spiral.

I know you aren't happy at the weight you are. I can see it in the way you are behaving( here you will be able to give specific examples such as not caring about how he dresses or looks or whatever).

What I don't know and I can't really understand is what it is that is making you so down that you have stopped taking care of yourself.

But this has now got to a point when I can't just ignore this. I don't want to see you unhappy with how you look or not taking care of yourself properly because I love you. I want to help you. I really do and I've got some ideas

then a plan. whatever you plan is. If you can do it, plan a kick start weekend when you can have no children and maybe try a spa to break a pattern or if you can't manage that, the equivalent at home.

These are my ideas but you do really need to understand that the reason I am talking to you like this is because it really matters to me and this is a crisis point. I feel like if you won't take care of yourself it means you don't care about anything, you don't care about me and you don't care about the children. I'm asking you to do this to show me that you care.

Personally, I think anything about sex or not wanting sex or not finding him attractive would be really really counterproductive.

You are in a good spot for this because psychologically the 100% optimum time to start a new regime is 1st January.

So if you can get him to say not drink alcohol or eat chocolate or bread or chips have a walk for 10 minutes or whatever you can say, you haven't done X all year and make a joke of it. You have exercised every day this year.

I'd centre it round a New Year, New You plan and tell him you'll support him.

I think to me the bigger issue here is that he does seem depressed - you said it yourself. And I bet it's not just "feeling a bit sad" or "not wanting to look in the mirror" but he has actual depression. He's been through a lot, with his brother dying and the family health problems, and his thoughts about his weight. It's very common to comfort eat with depression - for one thing, you need SOMETHING in your life that you can have through this and for another, for some people (me included) having a piece of cake in your hand is a lot better than some of the other things you can have.

Depression is an illness and needs to be treated. Can you book him a doctor's appointment and go with him to support him? If his GP diagnoses him they'll put him on antidepressants and refer him to a counselling service waiting list. Depression is fucking vicious and it takes a lot of your energy everyday just to function with it against you. If he does have depression then the antidepressants will do their job in making him able to function normally again without having to battle his own mind at ease every step, and the counselling will talk through the root causes of it, what he finds difficult and give him coping techniques for these things that aren't just eating toast. You might find that once he's actually in a good (or at least stable) place again that he has less desire to comfort eat and is more able to think about making other lifestyle changes to make him healthier.

Good luck to you both as well. Regardless, this is a very difficult situation - for you both

It is not what he eats but why he eats. Tackle the cause.

Some people can eat a round of toast and carry on their normal day. For me it’s like crack, I’d be constantly thinking and planning what to eat after that and snacking at the same time. I never used to be like this, it happened in my forties when I obviously hit peri menopause and my hormones took over.

Maybe something similar is happening to your DH. For me I had to go low carb and stick to it. Every couple of years I think I’ll just try eating sugar, bread etc and within a week I’m off again eating constantly. I have to go cold turkey and within a few days all is good though the weight definitely isn’t as easy to shed the older I get.