Husband has left me with 2 young children

[berrygoround]

I discovered my husband was seeing another woman around 3 weeks ago after finding messages on his phone. That was 2 days after I’d miscarried our planned 3rd child. We have 2 other children who are both under school age.

He originally said he wanted to make it work, we should try counselling but I threw him out after discovering he was still seeing her.

He came round last night to discuss things and I asked him if he was sure he was doing the right thing (I did not beg) and he said yes he thinks so. I’m absolutely devastated, I did not see this coming in any way. We had a happy marriage until he met her.

It’s only been going on a few weeks and she just seems awful. She knew I was pregnant and she calls herself a ‘slut’ on her Facebook page. I can’t believe that he’s thrown a 15 year relationship away for that. He is, of course, sticking to the script that it’s not about her and he has been unhappy for a while.

I can’t eat (have lost a stone in weight), can’t sleep and am just not functioning. I have no idea how I will get through this.

You will.
One step at a time. (Take your kids to see frozen 2 and listen to Anna’s song near the end!)
You and your two children are worth sooooo much more than this cheating scumbag. Hold your head high and you will one day be glad he went as this is the first day of your new and improved high standard life.
You’ve got this.

@berrygoround I am so sorry that you and your DC find yourself in this situation. I am in a similar position. It is very hard especially at this time of year. I lost a lot weight too - that is common apparently. You have behaved very well and he has behaved badly. I suggest that you see a solicitor or pop in to Citizens Advice to get some guidance on your financial position which will, hopefully, provide some reassurance.

Thank you for your replies. I really don’t understand how people can act in this way. It is the biggest shock as he has been a great husband and father (until he wasn’t). I think that’s why I’m struggling to think that life is going to be better without him.

I’m still in our home with our children and at the moment everything is being paid from our joint account as it always has been. I’m also the higher earner so I’m not overly concerned about financial matters at the moment.

@superbmonkey how far in are you? Sorry you’re in a similar position.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
It truly is the worst thing.
You will absolutely get through it.
No-one actually knows how.
We muddle through.
We do what we need to do and then somehow we come out the other side.
Reach out to anyone you can.
Family and friends. Lean on them. Get the real life love and support you need.
I'd never have got through it without my family and friends.
The physical and emotional pain will seem unbearable and never ending.
And to be honest, it won't start to get better for a while yet.
But you have to look after yourself.
We all know about the heartbreak diet but you do need to keep yourself hydrated and your sugar levels up.
If you can't stomach solids (I couldn't for weeks) then look at liquids.
I honestly survived on sugary tea and ice-lollies for weeks.
Try soup and smoothies as well.
Keep busy.
Get lots of things in the diary.
Visit friends and family, they will want to help you now.
Get through it as best you can.
Don't think further ahead than a day.
Get lots of hugs from your DC.
And we are also sending you big (((((HUGS)))))

I am so sorry

There is no hope of reconciliation if your dh is still seeing the ow. He should be on his knees begging for your forgiveness.

It is only natural you are not eating and sleeping. Trauma does this to a person. Try to snack even if you cannot stomach full meals.

I know you are unlikely to believe this in the midst of your pain but the trauma and heartache will pass. The anxiety will fade. You will heal. You have to ride the pain and emotion not try to suppress or escape it.

@berrygoround I am 3 months in. I still struggle a lot of the time and I do have financial worries. However I KOKO and look for better times ahead.

So sorry to hear what you're going through. What they said, day by day, be kind to yourself, keep busy, accept help from family and friends. One step at a time. Sending hugs

Let’s face it, their relationship is all about sex and the thrills of betrayal. She’s getting off on hurting you. It’s not really about him is it. It’s a power trip (especially if she’s calling herself slut). How long is that realistically going to last once the slog of every day life sets in? The best thing would be for you to be firm and not let him back in. Make him be with her. That’s the quickest way to dampen their fire. Is she really going to wash his underpants? Don’t do anything more for him. Shut the door. You deserve better than this betrayal. They have no dignity. You will meet somebody else who treats you right. Focus on yourself, your kids and your self esteem. This isn’t your fault, it’s his fault. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with somebody who shags around and lies.

I’m sorry

You will get through this. If your kids are young they will adjust faster because they won’t renember Mum and dad living together.

Tell people so you get RL support.

Try doing one thing a day.

Apply for council tax discount for single persons.
Do you own or rent?

Set up your own bank account
Has he asked to see the children? Arrange for him to see them so you get a break.

Wishing you well

Thank you so much everyone.

The keeping busy is difficult as I’ve broken my arm on top of everything else so I can’t drive etc.

I wish I could just harden my heart to him given the awful things he has done to me but I am just hurting so much and still in shock at what he’s done.

I’m sorry.

I’d take some control of the situation and determine that things are over. See a solicitor to get things moving formally and get a sexual health check up.

@Rainbowqueeen we own our house and at the moment we only have a joint account.

He is seeing the children and claims it is killing him being apart from them (even though it’s his choice!) He seems to have thought that we could have some sort of 50/50 arrangement but there’s no way I’m going to be away from my children 50% of the time. They’re still so young!

You’re going to be ok OP. You know that human faculty in him that is currently destroying your short term daily life? That’s the exact one that will engage for you once you’re over your shock and help you be strong and get sorted. Take some time to grieve and process and then find that part of you that can put everything about him and the life you thought you’d have together into a box, staple it shut and move yourself onwards. You and your kids will be fine and he’s not a good person. Not good enough for you three.

Oh hunni I'm so so sorry you are going through this. From someone that was in your shoes 18 months ago I know the sorrow you are feeling. I will give you this advice. He will never change and make no mistake this sewer rat of a person who was once your world WILL try to come back. Dont fall for it like I did. How long do you think this glamorous "slut" will last? When her faults start to show (we all have them) and he realises that she isn't as perfect as he thought she was he will start to regret what he has done TO HIMSELF, not you and the kids, he will feel sorry for himself. He will realise he has left a loving family for a woman who has such little morals she calls herself a slut on social media. How is him paying all that money in CM and not being available because he is having the kids going to fit in with her "slut" lifestyle. First things first call CMS and start getting what your entitled to, Google "chump lady" and have a giggle (you will feel sooo much better) Go to a solicitor or CAB (most have a free 30mins consultation) and find out where you stand legally regarding the house and most importantly start packing up his things. It will only hurt more seeing his stuff laying around like he still lives there. Dont wait to do it, just get up in the morning and do it. you will feel empowered. One foot in front of the other. Just remember this;
You WILL recover from this, You and your precious DC deserve better than this.
And I know it doesnt feel like it now but you will enjoy being without him. The anxiety and stress will pass and you will get to a point where you think "meh".
Chin up buttercup, you go slay at being the great mummy you are and find your own happiness. You wont get it from him again 💐

I really want to feel strong and empowered but right now I am just absolutely broken and can’t see how I will get through the days. I feel so bleak and am having some really dark thoughts about how my children would be better off without me.

You know for a fact that your children would not be better off without you.
If you are having these thoughts then please get to your GP.
Discuss options.
Don't allow this scumbag to bring you so far down without some support around you.
Get the support you need and deserve!

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation and that you are feeling so down today. I’m guessing that you are not at work and you are home alone with your children ?

Please phone a RL friend or relative right now and asked them to come over. Tell them you are feeling very low and need them today.

If you are at work then please tell a trusted colleague.

Then phone your GP and ask for an emergency appointment . Tell them you are having suicidal thoughts and need to see someone today.

Please know that these thoughts are feelings are not real - they are a result of the two terrible shocks and losses you have had within a few weeks. And probably exacerbated by low blood sugar, maybe hormones after the miscarriage etc. You are not making logical or sound judgements , even if it feels like you are.

Your children need you more than anything in the world. You can build a good and happy life for you all I promise .

Please ask for help right now. Then come back and let us know that you have done so.

There’s lots of support for you here but you need real life help too.

I was left with a small baby and toddler. It was truly the most hideous experience of my life, I was beyond heartbroken and shattered. It seemed as if my life had all been a lie. However, 8 years on, my life is so, so much better. I have a wonderful husband and another gorgeous child. Not a day goes by when I am not grateful for what initially seemed like such a catastrophe x

I saw my GP yesterday and they prescribed antidepressants, the first of which I took last night. However, they seem to be making my nausea worse and I haven’t kept any food down since lunchtime yesterday.

I am not really coping with my children and have someone with me almost all of the time because of my arm being in plaster. I know they deserve better than this.

Your DC will be ok, as will you. Listen to us - many of us have been where you are now (maybe not with a broken arm though!).

Seek your GPs advice regarding the nausea and your meds. Let whoever is with you help as much as they with your DC. and don't feel guilty about it. I'm sure you'd do the same for a friend or family member.

Do try something like those meals in a milkshake if you can't eat. Your body needs to heal as well as your mind.

@berry

There is nothing better than you for your children, nothing. For them you are the best thing in the whole world, in fact you are their whole world.

Please don't lose sight of that. You will get through this.
hugs coming your way

@berrygoround I really feel for you. What you are going through is frightening and traumatic. Can I suggest that you call Relate:

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/talk-someone/telephone-counselling

Or the Samaritans on 116123 (free call at any time of day or night).

Sending you (flowers).

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
It's still very early days though so please try not to be so hard on yourself. You're still in shock and trying to process everything which is completely understandable.
Antidepressants can take a few weeks to work so be mindful of that.
Regarding eating, if I'm anxious and have no appetite I buy build up drinks. They do milkshakes and soups and have vitamins in.
You will get through this but it will take time .

I promise you, you can do this. I was left with a teen a toddler and a newborn and I thought the whole world was imploding. I couldn't bear the thought of another day of screaming kids and everything comes with them, but you are feeling like this because of the stress and your mind working overtime trying to make sense of everything. Be kind to yourself. The fact you went to the doctors to sort this out means you are one brave/tough cookie. It takes a lot to admit when we cant cope, especially with children and for that you should be proud! get as much rest as you can, take every bit of support with the kids, have a nice bath when they're in bed, make sure your eating and I promise you when you start to let go of the why's, where's and when's you will be less stressed, the kids will get easier and you will actually start enjoying being on your own. You will feel independent, you will be in control and you will feel empowered. You got this!!!

No advice just a virtual hug 🌷you are stronger that you think OP ..