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Original poster

Am a gay now?

30 replies

Whoami63 · 09/12/2019 07:38

I have changed my name. I am a divorced woman in my early 60’s and I am very confused. After my divorce I joined a local singing group, just to get me out of the house. I made several new friends. One woman in particular. We started to meet for coffee outside of the group. Recently she confessed that she has feelings for me. I am flattered but confused. We have kissed. I enjoy being with her and have loving feeling towards her. On Saturday we had dinner at her house and to cut a long story short we went to bed together.
Does this mean I’m gay? I don’t know what is happening and I’m dreading telling my children. Does anyone have any advice? Thank you.

OP posts:

Happyspud · 09/12/2019 07:44

I think it’s ok to be whatever you are. Does it need a label? If you have to them yes, you are currently in a gay relationship. If you loved your kids father at some point or any other men, then you are bi I guess.

But actually we’ll done you for being open to finding love and partnership with whoever feels right, not whoever you’re told is right. Be proud of your partner and new relationship, and excited to tell people just as if it was a new man you’re mad about. Hopefully you’ve raised your kids well to be open, kind and see the big picture.

HeronLanyon · 09/12/2019 07:46

who this doesn’t necessarily mean you are gay. It all sounds good and confusing at the same time.
It’s all at very early stage and doesn’t sound as if you are in any position of having to tell anyone anything or suddenly label anything just yet/at all?
If things progress with her do you think your children would be upset/homophobic ? I’d think that some of this worry is you yourself being confused and not really sure what to tell yourself.
Try to let things progress as you want with no massive labels or disclosures.
Support and hope you get to a comfortable place for yourself whatever that looks like !

AltheaVestr1t · 09/12/2019 07:48

Hopefully you’ve raised your kids well to be open, kind and see the big picture. - This.

Notsomellownow · 09/12/2019 07:59

Agree with other posters, there's no need to rush to a label or worry about making any kind of announcement just yet. Many women are bisexual and nowadays there is a lot more tolerance around fluid sexuality. It doesn't mean anything other than what it means to you and that sounds like something very positive indeed. Relax, enjoy and just see how things go. X

B00kworm86 · 09/12/2019 08:03

I was married to a man for 10 years, we divorced and I met my girlfriend. There's was quite a lot of confusion on my part to begin with, but she's wonderful and the best thing to ever happen to me. Just take it as it comes and go with the flow, have fun! You don't need to label anything. It's the person you fall in love with, not the gender.

Honeybee85 · 09/12/2019 08:11

I understand it’s a confusing situation to be in.
But I think you should try to let these thoughts go and just focus on this beautiful new relationship that is developing! Just see where it leads you.

As for telling your DC; if your new lover were male, would you also be telling them about him from so early on? If the answer is no, there’s no reason to do it differently now just because it’s a woman.

Enjoy this precious time

YouJustDoYou · 09/12/2019 08:14

I think it's wonderful you've met another human you enjoy spending time with like that. Not everything in life needs to have a label. It just so happens she's a woman and so are you and right now it is what it is and that's fine.

Original poster

Whoami63 · 09/12/2019 08:20

Thank you all. My children are grown up and I have a couple of grandchildren. I don’t expect them to be upset or angry, just confused. We live in a small town, if this were to be known would the grandchildren be teased or does that not happen any more?

OP posts:

Honeybee85 · 09/12/2019 08:23

I come from a very very open society and still there are people being bullied for being gay.
I believe it still happens everywhere.
There is no way to predict it will happen to your DGC or not, the only way you’ll know is to come out with your new relationship.

When you are ready for it. Don’t rush anything yet.

Themazeoflife · 09/12/2019 08:25

No it does not mean you are gay, it means you are attracted to someone, that you are enjoying spending time with and are having an enjoyable sex life with.

Middersweekly · 09/12/2019 08:31

I would say you are more bisexual rather than gay but either way you are enjoying each other’s company and are clearly attracted to one another so you don’t need to put a label on what you are. Just enjoy being with each other. I am pretty sure your grown up children won’t care either way.

Isadora2007 · 09/12/2019 08:35

I think that most young people now think that love is love and are far less likely to label things. In that way I wouldn’t feel like you have to label your self or your relationship unless or until you feel like it. You have a new partner or girlfriend, congratulations and it’s lovely to hear of a friendship developing into something special. I hope it goes well and when your family do become involved that it all goes well for you all.

TheVanguardSix · 09/12/2019 08:39

If it feels good and you feel valued and cherished, that is all that matters. We spend so much time worrying about everyone else’s perceptions that we lose out on great chances of happiness all to appease strangers who don’t even care about us.
My sister in law divorced my brother and went onto be in a loving, nurturing relationship with a woman. It happens. Her adult children were a tad wobbly but got quickly past it. My friend’s dad ended up in his first post divorce relationship with another man.
Don’t worry about defining this or yourself. Just live. All we have is now. And honestly, you can’t give much thought to what others think. At the same time, don’t assume the worst of people. Most people just go about their day. I grew up with my auntie and her female partner who were together 50 years! It just was what it was. I didn’t give it much thought. My kids have friends whose parents are same sex. I don’t even bat an eye. I’m not unique. Most people aren’t out to judge. And those who do don’t need to be a part of your life. And although your kids may be a bit wobbly at first, they’d probably be wobbly if you were dating a new man, simply because they don’t want you to get hurt. Every relationship has an element of risk. Take your chance.

As hard as it is not to overthink things, don’t- try not to at least. You’re attracted to a loving person who thinks your incredibly special. It’s a real blessing.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 09/12/2019 08:43

No need for labels, but if you want one then bisexual is the likely one! I don't see how your DC would know if you are intimate with this woman if you don't want to tell them yet. Women have the advantage of being known to have very close friendships with other women, without being thought of as gay.

Early days, so enjoy what you have, without involving your DC quite yet, if that's what you prefer while you sort your feelings out.

2kids1mummy · 09/12/2019 08:44

I do think it would be difficult for your grandchildren, but you shouldn't live in fear of that.

Don't worry about telling your children , just enjoy it. If it becomes very serious then worry about it then.

Winterwine · 09/12/2019 12:33

It won't be difficult for your grand kids, they are a generation who are far more accepting.

Happyspud · 09/12/2019 12:47

If your grandkids find this difficult then tough. It will simultaneously be a very important life lesson about freedom for even themselves to love who they choose.

mindutopia · 09/12/2019 12:53

It sounds lovely that you've found someone you connect with. It doesn't need a label. I've been with a woman (sexually) and also kissed a friend of mine. I find women attractive, but I also find men attractive and am quite happily married to a man. I wouldn't consider myself a lesbian or bisexual just because I've had those experiences, but maybe I would if it felt right (I 'feel' heterosexual, so that's what I consider myself, regardless of anything else I may have enjoyed).

But people will accept you for who you are if they really love you. The ones that don't can bugger off. This is not an unusual phenomenon at all though and lots of women find they are more attracted to women in later years. There's even a term for it (Late Onset Lesbian - which is perhaps a bit offensive but describes it very succinctly). It doesn't mean you are a lesbian. But nothing wrong with that if you are. Unless your grandchildren have been raised with very backwards views, I doubt it would phase them one bit. Most young people are very accepting today.

MissyboiJo · 09/12/2019 13:21

It's actually way more common than you realise, for older women to suddenly find their inner "lesbian". Women who have been married, had children and suddenly find themselves fall in love with someone of the same sex. I've known many, and had a few relationships with a few myself.

I've known many lesbians who spent their teens, twenties and early 30's Lezzing it up, only to then have fallen for men, got married and had kids.
My ex is with a "straight"women who she was friends with from school.
Her partner says she is generally not attracted to other women, she doesn't identify as a lesbian but is in love with this particular women. they have been together for 15years, are married and have children.
I've been with guys, but once I started dating women, I never went back...for me it was trying to conform to heteronormativity.
I love the idea of being free to just love who you want to love, I think it's all to easy to put ourselves into boxes and then feel stuck.
The lesbian friends I know who are now with me, almost felt like they had to come out again!! They were Scared they would lose their lesbian "tribe".

Life is too short, I can't imagine ever baking with a man again, but equally I say "never say never". You just don't know who will turn your head and who will be the exception. This might just be someone who is the exception for you.

Personally, highly recommend a bit of lesbianism. Not just the sex, but the connection emotionally, the friendship and the companionship. Being with a man was like dating a filled in wishing well for me. Good luck with it all, and at the very least you can add that to your "life experiences" list.

2kids1mummy · 09/12/2019 15:53

I am sorry but anyone who thinks it will be fine for your grandchildren are being naive ( in my opinion)
Yes that generation is very open, and probably not at all homophobic, but if their nan comes out as a lesbian, you know that other children will use that opportunity to take the piss.

Personally I love your story and think you are amazing for what your doing. But I am being realistic

Themazeoflife · 09/12/2019 17:12

There is no need to "come out" as anything, you are just you, same as you were before you met this woman, you haven't changed.

The only thing that has changed is who you are having a sexual relationship with.

It's very early days in this relationship, I would not be worrying about who thinks what at this stage, just enjoy each other's company and see how it goes.

YouJustDoYou · 09/12/2019 17:45

Yes that generation is very open, and probably not at all homophobic, but if their nan comes out as a lesbian, you know that other children will use that opportunity to take the piss

Oh god, Not you again 🙄 OP, don't listen to this shite. Kids literally don't care. There are several gay sets of partners at my son's school - no one mentions it, no one cares. Kids understand love- they only judge if the poor things have racist/homophobic parents. You'll be fine, I'm sure.

YouJustDoYou · 09/12/2019 17:46

Personally I love your story and think you are amazing for what your doing. But I am being realistic

No. You're being deliberately nasty. And you know that full well, which is why you've had other posts of yours deleted.

2kids1mummy · 09/12/2019 20:03

@YouJustDoYou I haven't had a single post of mine deleted
And I'm not being nasty at all. I'm giving my honest opinion. You don't have to agree

EpcotForever · 09/12/2019 20:07

My friends mum is in a relationship with another woman.. a few comments are made every now and then however like pp have said it's far more accepted now.

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