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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife left me - heart broken

33 replies

Jackit2013 · 08/12/2019 22:55

Hi all, I guess I'm writing this to get things off my chest.

Wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 5. Since our kids arrived we have spent increasingly less time together, and in last 18 months pretty much none. We drifted apart, although I still love her deeply. Its clearly very different for her, so much so she has left me. I thought I would be ok with it, but she has just managed to find a place to move to, and now she is gone. I'm in pieces and dont know what to do. I'm trying to hold it together for my beautiful kids, but it's just so hard. I thought maybe il try some internet dating, wow that's has messed me up even more. Seeing all these profiles online and no one compares to her. I don't want anyone else, just her and my kids in a happy family. We have everything , good home, schools for kids, good jobs, we have the foundations many want but can never get. Yet it's not enough for her and her mind is made up, she has left the family home.

I'm in the depths of despair and I have to be strong, but I want to scream from the rooftops. I have not only lost her but also her family, friends and the hopes and dreams for the future. It was all planned out before us but now the rug has been pulled from our feet and the landing is sheer agony.

I'm a good man with his heart in the rite place. What have I done ? god help me, my kids and I don't deserve this.

OP posts:
Pickitup · 08/12/2019 23:02

Why has she left?
Did you know your relationship was struggling?

BallacheForLife · 08/12/2019 23:07

She obviously had a reason. What actually happened? You say you had everything but they're only material things. What about the emotional side of things?

Louise91417 · 08/12/2019 23:09

Has she taken the kids or are they still with you?

PurpleDaisies · 08/12/2019 23:09

Sometimes, for no particular fault of anyone, relationships break down. It sounds like that’s what’s happened here.

It’s hard to start but it does get better with time. Keeping it civil for the children it what’s most important now

Original poster
Jackit2013 · 08/12/2019 23:13

We share the kids.

Yes, we've both known for a while. Marriage counselling didn't help.

There was nothing sinister going on. No fault of either person. We drifted and this is the result.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jackit2013 · 08/12/2019 23:18

And then I go to work tomorrow, put on a brave face, act that I'm ok but inside I'm a wreck.

OP posts:
crocoonimper · 08/12/2019 23:28

Jackit

I have been and am still where you are, my DH left in September, 21 years married 25 together. 3 teenage kids. Drifted and had some hard times, got through those but he said spark gone. No one else involved. Both moved to new homes. Completely amicable. But I still love him and am completely shattered.
We did counselling, no go.
I think the advice is time... you have to grieve for what you have lost, your past present and future hopes. Every day is a new challenge and it will be dark. But eventually a few chinks of light appear.
I think it is so much harder when no bad has been done on either side. It’s just incredibly sad.
Hope you get through tomorrow. X

Original poster
Jackit2013 · 08/12/2019 23:38

Crocoonimper

Yes, the spark had gone, but I was always of the mind we could get it back, but takes 2 to tango and she was not willing. And you are right, if one had cheated or abusive or whatever, then it would have given more closure, albeit still hard.

I have overcome tough times before which grew strength in me. I need to that strength now but it eludes me just now

OP posts:
Pickitup · 09/12/2019 02:04

Can you take a few days off work? Just to help you get through this in the short term?

Original poster
Jackit2013 · 09/12/2019 05:48

Pick it up

I've considered that but I'm so busy I can't. I'm off over Christmas from next Thursday.
Christmas is going to be very hard though, worst time of year for this to happen

OP posts:
TigerDater · 09/12/2019 06:05

I’m so sorry OP, your pain sounds so raw. A big tigerish hug from me 🐯 And I would steer clear of online dating for a while - your emotions need to settle so you have time and headspace for that stuff, otherwise it’s a headfuck 💐

Original poster
Jackit2013 · 09/12/2019 06:46

Work - a double edged sword. Takes my mind away from personal life, but my personal life is taking up my every thought

OP posts:
SweetSally · 09/12/2019 06:50

OP

That's very unfortunate.
If she's managed to move on so quickly then she's definitely done with your marriage.

I hope you have a good Christmas. It will be difficult. Give yourself time to heal before even considering another relationship.

Original poster
Jackit2013 · 09/12/2019 07:15

Thank you all for reading/listening.

I'm as raw as can be. And there may be worse to come

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 09/12/2019 07:44

Jackit so sorry for your heartbreak. It hurts like an absolute bitch.

Original poster
Jackit2013 · 09/12/2019 08:18

It does. My whole world and outlook has been flipped upside down

OP posts:
TigerDater · 09/12/2019 08:41

Do you have friends and family supporting you OP? Can you talk to anyone?

GeordieTerf · 09/12/2019 08:47

Think of the funniest tv show/ film you've ever seen. Watch it tonight. It will take your mind off things for a few hours.

Write your wife a letter, telling her how you feel (but don't send it). It will help you process your feelings.

You only need to get through the day. Take things one day at a time.

Thanks
SuperbMonkey · 09/12/2019 08:47

@Jackit2013. Popping on to say how sorry I am. There are many of us in the same boat at different stages. I am 3 months in after 18 years of marriage, 26 years together. It is a horrible situation and particularly at this time of year. Having support in RL is important as is posting on here. Take care of yourself as much as you can.

Mamabear88 · 09/12/2019 09:45

How awful for you and the kids, i'm so sorry. I would also steer clear of online dating for a good while, you're clearly not over this relationship and certainly not ready to get into another one just yet. Maybe she will realise what she's left behind and how good she had it now she's gone? Sometimes we don't appreciate the good in our lives until they aren't there anymore. Who knows. Just try and get through these few days of work as best you can until you break for Xmas. I wish you all the best x

crocoonimper · 09/12/2019 12:31

Hey Jackit

Me too - have been up down and around the houses with the spark thing - it’s just a new stage, let’s try this that and the other. But DH had moved on months ago in his head.

I get angry on some days and sad on others but have found benefit from friends and counselling support.

I can hear the pain in your words and the screaming behind the calm exterior that I am sure you are experiencing. Lots of us here are doing the same. This time of year amplifies that sense of loss.

Please give yourself time to scream and shout and wail as well as holding it together - it helps!

Keep talking x

Original poster
Jackit2013 · 09/12/2019 23:21

Crocoonimper - thank you for your kind words.

I wonder is it possible to have a spark with your wife/husband and it last forever...??? No way

OP posts:
Gilles27 · 10/12/2019 16:27

Hi. My wife left me too. It was 16 years ago and things are much better now. I can still remember how it felt though. My brother gave me a good bit of practical advice. He said that tv switches your brain and emotions off, whereas music does the opposite. In the first couple of weeks I didn't listen to music or have the radio on as the most dumb lyrics would suddenly have extra meaning and make me upset. After a while I did go back to music and I even deliberately played songs like 'Still In love With You' by Thin Lizzy and made myself feel very miserable, but things were less raw then and I look back on that as part of the healing process.
The first few weeks I had to avoid too much emotion as she'd left and I had to be a dad to our 2 daughters and I had to get through the days at work.
It will get better. Set yourself a reminder to look at this thread in 12 months and compare how you feel then to how you feel now.

Brad55 · 24/12/2019 08:48

Hi All,

I’m 46 my wife 37 we have a lovely 5 year old boy and nice life or so I thought it’s been a difficult few months I didn’t have a job suffered a little bit with anxiety which is not easy for her I know that but on 13/12/19 I text her to ask if there was anyone else as felt there was a distance between us, and that was that BANG!!!!!!!!! She said she had been talking to someone else at gym and had too many feelings for him and couldn’t get us back Whooosh!!!!!!! My heart sank, she said we had drifted apart, very true but only married 30 months and she wants to throw it away, no reconciliation is available she doesnt want to give it a chance I’ve done all begging I can for 7 days since but now know I have to stop problem is we have to stay together till Boxing Day for our 5 year old then I’m off to my mums for least a week to get some time, I sat watching telly last night with her and she was constantly texting him while we build my sons toys for Xmas, gut wrenching painful, suicidal yes, what to do I don’t know but Xmas eve today worst one yet...

Brad

Stressedout10 · 24/12/2019 09:42

Hi @Brad55
I'm really sorry your going through this cheating is so selfish and the way she is behaving is disgusting. I don't have any useful advice other than if you repost on your own thread you will get some great advice

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