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Original poster

Red flag early on?

26 replies

Winterwonderland10 · 08/12/2019 19:38

Spoke to a guy last year, met him via OLD. He didn't seem interested and it fizzled out. He was OLD again recently so I thought I'd give it a chance. We matched and talked again. He seemed alot more keen this time. He rang me and we spoke and he was asking me questions about what happened with the person I had been seeing. Telling me what happened with the girl he was seeing. Saying she said they didn't have much time to see each other.

I had my work night out and he offered to take me even though I hadn't met him before. So I didn't message him as I was out and busy.

I had a bad hangover yesterday so didn't message him. I get a text later in the day saying "well I thought it was going well 😂" I replied what do you mean? He said us chatting and I said I've been busy. He replied "I thought you didn't want to talk to me anymore, you can say if you don't want to talk to me anymore though? Thought we were doing better than last time"

These are red flags aren't they?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 08/12/2019 19:41

I don't think so, he's probably just used to people going cold. When I was online dating when the contact started to drop off it usually meant they were losing interest. I wouldn't ditch him based on this alone.

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/12/2019 19:42

Yeap. Flying in the wind needy, attempt-at-guilt-inducing red flags.

Perrinelli81 · 08/12/2019 19:44

I’d be wary but maybe not give up yet I think, if otherwise you liked him.

Pennyandme · 08/12/2019 19:47

No I don’t think so. He probably isn’t sure if you’re interested.

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2019 19:47

Seems a bit attention seeking, drama queenie to me.

I mean how dare you have a night out with your friends that he is not involved in? And not contact him for a whole day?!

Fs. He's too full on. And possibly controlling - as pp said, attempt at guilt inducing.

Tread carefully if you go forwards with him. Listen to your gut.

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 08/12/2019 19:58

I've had a few abusive relationships and I seem to attract these types of guys who are a bit unstable. So my first instinct was controlling maybe? And a bit full on. As he then made it awkward by saying that to me

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 08/12/2019 20:00

Work night out - I know, I'll offer to take someone even though we've never met 🤔. A bit weird that, you spotted that and ignored the offer, probably better to have communicated thanks, but no thanks than going silent about it, which is what he picked up on. I'd say if someone offers something that is not required or wanted at the time, better to say no thanks than just not reply as it's ambiguous. I'd be honest at this point and say you thought the offer to take you to a work night out rather strange and full-on as a first date. His response to that should be more telling.

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2019 20:02

Yeah I hear ya.
Tbh there was no need for it.
Having had a few shits in my life too I now make a point of thinking - 'would I ever say/do something like that?' when something makes me think 'wtf?'. If the answer is no, I take a step back.

Also, the most obvious reason (eg: 'he's a bit of a knob') is usually the correct one.

lilgreen · 08/12/2019 20:02

If you were really into him you’d have been in touch. I don’t think he’s done anything wrong but it doesn’t sound like you’re that bothered.

lilgreen · 08/12/2019 20:05

Also he offered you a lift and you didn’t respond. It’s a bit rude to not just reply no thanks but you’ll be in touch.

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 08/12/2019 20:05

@opentooffers he asked how I was getting there and I said taxi. He said oh well if you get stuck I'll take you. I said thanks but I should be ok. He hasn't asked me on a date yet so why offer to take me? I didn't want him knowing where I lived either as I barely know him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 08/12/2019 20:12

@lilgreen I did reply to that message and said thanks but I should be ok. He replied ok have a good night and then I went on my works due. Then he text saying that the next day. Not hi did you have a nice night or anything? Straight into what I said above.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2019 20:17

Yeah, red flag.
Could be a narcissist. They don't like it when your attention is on someone/something else. So youve put his nose out of joint by going out with friends. Instead if sitting in front of your computer messaging him.

Think I'd be done.

Totally agree with you not wanting him to come to your house too. He could be anyone.

Am betting if you had said yes to the lift he would have either came and convinced you not to go to the party (stay with him instead ect) Or cancelled at the last minute, leaving you inconvenienced.

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 08/12/2019 20:19

@pinkbonbon I seem to attract narcs!

OP posts:
0812x · 08/12/2019 20:21

I don't think so? I mean it's something to keep an eye on for sure but defiantly not enough to think red flag

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2019 20:23

There's a lot if them about!
I've managed to learn to spot them in the dating world (touch wood) but now the gits seem to find me in the workplace! FML xD

billy1966 · 08/12/2019 20:37

OP, tread carefully.
Listen to your gut.
Your pace.
What suits you.
Your choice.
👍💐

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 08/12/2019 20:45

@pinkbonbon I think I'm getting better at spotting them just sometimes need clarification hence this post. The workplace oh no! Hard to escape there

OP posts:
waterrat · 08/12/2019 20:46

God op please listen to your instincts.

Really neurotic of him to ask for reassurance like that in such a needy way and completely inappropriate to offer you a lift to an event he is not involved in.

Offering you a lift is weird because obviously he isn't a part of your life so why would you rely on him or ask him to do that. It sounds masculine and over involved.

lilgreen · 08/12/2019 20:51

Ah sorry op I hadn’t realised you’d replied. Trust your instincts.

Windmillwhirl · 08/12/2019 20:55

I'd say he was sensitive as things fizzled the last time and he was hoping that wouldn't happen this time. Maybe he thought if you were interested you'd have sent a message as he didn't want to be bothering you on your night out by texting you.

Huge jump to him being a narcissist off the back of that text message though.

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 08/12/2019 21:07

@Windmillwhirl not saying he is one just saying about trying to spot signs

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 08/12/2019 21:24

Look hard enough and you will see a red flag in every behaviour.

My now bf bought me a gorgeous present for my birthday even though we'd only been together a month. I could have seen it as 'love bombing'.

I told him there was no need, he replied he felt I was worth it. He doesn't shower me with gifts now by any means, but that was a genuine gesture. I'm very glad I didn't write him off for it.

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 09/12/2019 07:53

@windmillwhirl it's hard not to look when I've been in such bad relationships. I don't ever want to be in one like that again

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 09/12/2019 08:41

I too have been in an abusive relationship. I look back at how much I tolerated and why.

You can't change your partner, but you can change what you will accept. I regret thinking so little of myself that I allowed what I did.