Am I really this horrible person my mother thinks I am?

[cotdottons]

Ok so I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my mother. I suspect she is bi polar but she definitely has some mental illness and I seem to get the brunt of it.
Over the years she has been horrible to me at different occasions. Constant things that she has said to me since I can remember:
I’m a liar
My hair/boobs/other body part is terrible
I have no friends and people laugh at me behind my back
She is ashamed of me

Two years ago her behaviour really got out of hand as one day she just lost the plot with me saying everything was wrong with my personality, the way I looked and that I was a liar and I had to stop lying. I was actually so afraid of her growing up that I was afraid to lie. I refused to speak to her after that as it just seemed to be the end of the line for me, I couldn’t put up with it and I wanted to have distance to try build up my confidence and self-esteem. At 32 years of age I have almost constant anxiety and feel I’m never good enough.

After cutting contact and telling her why and that I wasn’t willing to be in contact when she was so horrible to me, she couldn’t have been nicer. Contact was limited on my side and I’d just give flying visits home and things were fine.
Last night I had a Christmas party near my home house so I stayed there afterwards. Today we were going to a birthday dinner with my brother, his wife and her parents. I said I’d drive my Mam there as my Dad was making his own way.
I walked up to the kitchen and it started again. She said the following:

• my hair was terrible *i lied about getting my hair cut the last time I was at the hairdressers (wish I took pictures of the cuttings on the ground) *if my so called friends copped on to the amount of lies I supposedly tell her I’d have nobody *i dress horribly (I don’t and I actually thought I looked quite well today - long sleeved knee length dress, tights, sock boots leather jacket) *i need to stop telling lies
• i make it very hard for people (don’t know what she means by it)
• x person never goes around dressed showing their breasts, arse etc (I don’t either)
• the worst and craziest of it all was that apparently I got my hair done two days ago (don’t know how seen as I had a vomiting night and she called to my house) and I ruined it by washing it this morning.

To be completely honest she can be lovely. Very kind, helpful. But also a nightmare. Has to control everything and I mean everything.

So what’s wrong with her? Do I need to return to therapy? I went for 6 months and found it good but my mother will never change and sometimes like today it gets too much for me. I spent dinner feeling so anxious that my voice was shaking anytime my sister in laws parents asked a question. Why? I was actually afraid that I’d say the wrong thing and there would be another lecture. Do you ever learn to cope with this? How can I ever actually be confident in myself when this is all I hear?!

Meant to say vomiting bug.

Just read through that wondering what advice I'd give. I also have a very difficult DM and spend so much of my time trying to figure out how to have a relationship with her. I'm afraid I don't have anything helpful to say but wanted to let you know you're not alone. Who knows why she behaves the way she does. It's not your responsibility to bear the burden of whatever has led to her being this way.

Oh my lovely, you KNOW you're not that awful person. The awful person doesnt exist, except in some horrific crevice of your mum's broken mind.

The only thing you're doing wrong is continuing to make yourself a target for her. Can you go back to therapy? Reduce contact with her to the barest minimum?

Again, you are NOT the villain here. for you.

Hi, OP.

First of all, sorry you're going through this.

I actually came here to suggest therapy, for me it is indeed life changing. Re the 6 months: I was discussing this with my therapist. The actual results can been seen after 1 year minimum (depending on what the issues was), and that patients tend to drop out thinking their issue is solved - but it's not, it's much rather an immediate effect after therapy, not an actual change in your life/behaviour pattern.

I hope you do go back and that you have found the right therapist for you - this is hard, I tried twice before I did.

In the meantime- any chance you can limit contact?

I’m sorry that I don’t know what is wrong with your mum, but I do know that she will end up causing you to be very unwell emotionally if you continue to let her treat you like this. If you’re brave enough, definitely cut down on how often you see her, to minimise the damage. She won’t change , but understand there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, but almost certainly she has serious issues. I hope you have supportive friends and other family members ?

Remember this: we're all bad in someone's story. Everyone (even our parents!) has the right to narrate their story however they want. That doesn't say anything about us. What others think about us is NONE of our business.

No, you do not need to return to therapy, just accept that your mother is not going to change and also accept that is ok for you to close the door to people that hurts you. You don’t need to put up with abuse just because it comes from your mother, if she ya not as nasty to your siblings, let them take care of her. You have a good reason to avoid her.

Very few of us are the person our mother thinks we are whether they think we are amazing or appalling. I know its easier said than done but concentrate on being the person you know you are. You might find a therapist can help with this.

I think if you feel unable to tackle this nasty behaviour with her, I would just remove myself from her company. As soon as she starts, I would look at my watch and say 'right I'm leaving now, I'll meet you at the restaurant at lunchtime'. And leave.

I’m just always putting on a brave face with other people and trying to let on everything is ok. Before we ate dinner, I was in the bathroom of the restaurant wiping off the rest of my makeup as it was already half coming off as the tears had taken it off. I felt so anxious during the meal and found it hard to swallow my food.
One friend kind of knows about this, as in I told her the last time but unless others have an idea, nobody else really knows. I’ve always kept it in and only reason I told my friend about the episode two years ago was because we lived together and she knew something was up. Sometimes I feel telling people is pointless as it won’t change anything and then sometimes I want to but am afraid I will start crying and make a fool of myself if I start speaking about it.

Its not you, its your mother.

Its not your fault your mother is this disordered of thinking and you did not make her that way. She may well have some form of untreated - and untreatable - personality disorder. That is not your fault either. (What if anything do you know about her own childhood as that often gives clues).

Do read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" November thread on these Relationship pages. I would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and "will I ever be good enough" by Karyl McBride.

You are right in one important respect; she will not change. This is who she is. I would certainly cut down the amount of contact you have with her because this is harming you emotionally and making you her personal scapegoat. If you at all put yourself in her firing line she will take aim, do not provide her with anything now. Ask yourself why you agreed to drive her, are you still somehow seeking her approval (approval she will never give you).

Work on your boundaries through therapy and reclaim your life without her in it. Do also address your own fear, obligation and guilt re your mother in therapy. It is really not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking and you should not even try.

Where's your dad here; is he still with her?. It appears not. What does your brother think of his mother's behaviours?.

OP, the only time I have ever come across the same sort of behaviour that your mother is exhibiting was many years ago, when my landlady turned up on the doorstep and accused of me of all sorts of bizarre things.

That lady was suffering from paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and (as I later discovered) had been failing to take her medication.

Those outbursts from your mother sound like delusions. I think she quite possibly has a mental illness of some kind and would be best advised to have a psychological health assessment.

"I'm just always putting on a brave face with other people and trying to let on everything is ok".

Do not keep doing this because it does not work and you are making yourself feel worse. Start opening up to trusted people because abuse, and this is what your mother's behaviour is, thrives on secrecy. I am certain also that one or two people already have their own private based suspicions that things between you and your mother are not good and they certainly see you cowed in her presence.

My only advice is to stop caring. Easier said than done I know, but the harsh truth is you'll never be who or what she wants you to be. That can be either the ideal daughter in her eyes, or the fuckup she imagines you to be. You are neither of those people, so just stop trying . What she says is about her and her screwed views of the world and you rather than who you really are. She never "saw" you and never will. So stop trying. Stop worrying about it and taking it to heart. She's full if bullshit and her opinion doesn't matter. If you have to keep in contact, nod,humm and change the subject. And don't give her bullshit a second thought.

I agree with you that telling people is pointless. Abusive people tend to have a very charming side. You just need to find peace with yourself and let her go.

You can still do things with your family but avoid being alone with her at all times.

She sounds mentally ill.

I would cut all contact again and tell her 'your behaviour is so bad and so peculiar that I want nothing to do with you'.

You don't have to be her whipping boy.

Sounds like she needs to be cut off again.

She managed to be pleasant last time you put your foot down about it, after all.

Just don't bother getting back in touch this time.

Sounds dreadful, it definitely isn’t you.
How does she treat your brother and sister in law? Not out like today but when it’s just her and them? Does your dad not hear her and step in?

Oh poor you. That's really not good for your mental health. To me you have 3 choices..
Cut contact, limit it and ignore comments or respond (which might not work but it's worth a go)
Have you tried to presistantly call her out for her comments? Ie alternating between a few set phrases?
'that's hurtful mum'
'charming'
'glad I never asked for your opinion'
'Well that's kind'
My favourite... 'my mum told me if you had nothing nice to say don't say anything'
... I tried this with a hurtful relative and counted each insult out... It worked to some extent but I also cut contact right down.
It is likely that you will never get her approval no matter what you do. I'm so sorry

Sorry for all the typos! 🤪

No, you are not a horrible person at all.

What would you say to a child who told you they were being continually picked on, called awful things and bullied at school? Would you tell the victim to keep quiet, pretend it isn't happening and allow the merciless bullying to continue for years?

Would you think that the victim deserved to be bullied?

Your mother is the bully.

Yeah that's not bipolar. Bipolar doesn't make you a cunt.

Sounds more like a personality disorder. Borderline personality is often mistaken for bipolar. Not to say she couldn't be bipolar too. Something like 20% of borderline ppl are also bipolar.

Or she could just be a run if the mill narcissist. Again, possible to have both NPD and BPD.

Either way, she is a total toxic cow and if i were you, I'd cut contact. She'll never be the mother you wish she was. She'll only drag you down with her.

Yes, I would say go with your gut and return to therapy. She sounds like she is lashing out at you.

Shes not mentally ill OP, she has NPD.

This is evidenced by her especially cruel comments to you, these are manipulations to draw narc supply. When you threatened NC, she rapidly painted you white hence treated to good behaviour.

The lying accusation is simply transference on her part. Making you cry like that would have made her feel enormously powerful. That is the pinnacle of fuel/energy.

She is not lovely. When you see that, you are seeing the facade at work. But she cannot keep it up for long.

You are an Adult Child Of (a) Narcissist. ACON.

The only solution to this so that you can begin to work on your anxiety is a robust NC.

Narcsite.com will help.

It’s not anything to do with what you say or how you look it’s not you it’s her.

Don’t allow yourself to be alone with her again. That way she can’t start on you.

Ask your dad if she has meds she forgets to take. See if he’s noticed she’s an ignorant bitch. He’s perhaps more used to it and doesn’t care. Or perhaps he’s depressed through her shenanigans too. If possible she should get some kind of gp evaluation. She may refuse though.

Don’t let her pish spoil your day though. She clearly talks a load of nonsense and no amount of reasoning will get through to her as she’s made up her mind about whatever it is.

You have three ways of handling it. Cry. Get angry or Water off a ducks back. The latter is probably the best although there will be times you feel like doing the other two.

Don’t feel bad in future saying no dad I can’t take mum to friends party as she is nasty to me so you’ll have to take her yourself.