Am I really this horrible person my mother thinks I am?

[cotdottons]

Ok so I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my mother. I suspect she is bi polar but she definitely has some mental illness and I seem to get the brunt of it.
Over the years she has been horrible to me at different occasions. Constant things that she has said to me since I can remember:
I’m a liar
My hair/boobs/other body part is terrible
I have no friends and people laugh at me behind my back
She is ashamed of me

Two years ago her behaviour really got out of hand as one day she just lost the plot with me saying everything was wrong with my personality, the way I looked and that I was a liar and I had to stop lying. I was actually so afraid of her growing up that I was afraid to lie. I refused to speak to her after that as it just seemed to be the end of the line for me, I couldn’t put up with it and I wanted to have distance to try build up my confidence and self-esteem. At 32 years of age I have almost constant anxiety and feel I’m never good enough.

After cutting contact and telling her why and that I wasn’t willing to be in contact when she was so horrible to me, she couldn’t have been nicer. Contact was limited on my side and I’d just give flying visits home and things were fine.
Last night I had a Christmas party near my home house so I stayed there afterwards. Today we were going to a birthday dinner with my brother, his wife and her parents. I said I’d drive my Mam there as my Dad was making his own way.
I walked up to the kitchen and it started again. She said the following:

• my hair was terrible *i lied about getting my hair cut the last time I was at the hairdressers (wish I took pictures of the cuttings on the ground) *if my so called friends copped on to the amount of lies I supposedly tell her I’d have nobody *i dress horribly (I don’t and I actually thought I looked quite well today - long sleeved knee length dress, tights, sock boots leather jacket) *i need to stop telling lies
• i make it very hard for people (don’t know what she means by it)
• x person never goes around dressed showing their breasts, arse etc (I don’t either)
• the worst and craziest of it all was that apparently I got my hair done two days ago (don’t know how seen as I had a vomiting night and she called to my house) and I ruined it by washing it this morning.

To be completely honest she can be lovely. Very kind, helpful. But also a nightmare. Has to control everything and I mean everything.

So what’s wrong with her? Do I need to return to therapy? I went for 6 months and found it good but my mother will never change and sometimes like today it gets too much for me. I spent dinner feeling so anxious that my voice was shaking anytime my sister in laws parents asked a question. Why? I was actually afraid that I’d say the wrong thing and there would be another lecture. Do you ever learn to cope with this? How can I ever actually be confident in myself when this is all I hear?!

It's not possible to have NPD and BPD by the way. There are nine characteristics in DMV5 which need to be met for NPD, you only need 4 or 5 for BPD.

It could be that BPD is a result of NPD abuse. Narcs hide behind BPD and use it to explain their aggression. Narcs also do it with autism too.

So - you cut contact again, with immediate effect.

As well as telling her why, you also tell her that, unlike before, this is her last chance and should she, in any of your infrequent contacts, revert to type you will immediately walk out and she will never see you again.

Before any contact, however short or rare, remind her she has no more chances and that if she so much as criticises one thing, you are gone.

Remind her forcefully the first time - if she behaves then just say, 'you know the conditions' on future occasions. No big show, just a low key reminder that YOU haven't forgotten and that forgiveness is conditional on no repeat performance.

She is capable of stopping the appalling behaviour but reverts to type when she feels safe to do so. If you want to maintain contact, then it is under your terms and she is not 'safe' to restart the abuse

You don't need all 9 for NPD (though I have heard that argument). It used to be 5 out of the 9. I've been blogging on NPD for years so I know this. I did recently hear it has been reduced to two! But if this is legit I don't know.

BPD is not my area of expertise however. I wasn't aware they used the same points for it.

Totally agree with you about narcissists blaming their behaviours on other things like autism though. Depression is another common one.

@Pinkbonbon

Yeah so have I. I thought it was 9 but I will check. And yes they do use the same criteria. Personally, I loathe the term borderline. I believe there are moves to change it.

Checked. It is 5. My bad.

Go back to therapy. Resume the pattern of very low contact that protected you before. You can climb out of this with proper counselling and a lot of distance between you and your abusive mother. It really isn't your fault and you have nothing to feel bad about

Sometimes I feel telling people is pointless as it won’t change anything and then sometimes I want to but am afraid I will start crying and make a fool of myself if I start speaking about it.
It's true that some people really don't get what it's like to have an abusive parent. However, sadly, many people do have experience of an abusive family member and will 'get it' - often people you wouldn't expect. These are the ones to talk to. Go and post on the Stately Homes thread here and the posters there will totally understand.

It’s not you, it’s her.

Can you limit contact? Or even go nc? She sounds horrific. I say yes to therapy, as long as your therapist is good, I’d never say it’s contraindicated.

There is zero wrong with you. Like my mother, she does not know how to be a mother. My mother is also 'lovely' and a complete bitch who did a total number on me and left me feeling suicidal.

Get some distance. She is not normal. She is dangerous to you. Work on removing all negative self talk she has put in your head and work on feeling FABULOUS and confident. It may take years but it's worth it.

You don't owe this woman anything. You owe YOURSELF the encouragement love and nurturing she was supposed to give you.

My mother is like this. For years she would try to dictate my friends, my actions, what I wore, how I spoke and so on.

We had one argument which was the moment where I just thought " I don't care about your opinion so why do I let it upset me?"

Since then we have a lovely relationship. We speak often and see each other most days. She is in fact the person who looks after my children when I work. This works as I have told her that I don't want her giving her opinions to my children, only me. When she gives me opinions I either nod and smile or acknowledge that I don't agree but don't argue. For example she tried to make me feel bad for wearing a Christmas top for a work event the other day, saying "I don't think that outfit is flattering". I just said " that's why you're not wearing it" and carried on what I was talking about.

Not caring is a lot easier

Her relationship with my Dad is poor. They probably should have split up years ago. She doesn’t get as personal with him as she does with me but she gets so angry with him for the smallest of things. He is aware of behaviour towards me and when she is critical of something so small he says what does it matter. But he has never sat her down and said her behaviour is unacceptable.
She has never once apologised for anything she says, any of her outbursts, nothing.
My Dad is a nice man, very negative but a much nicer person than she is. Years of her criticisms and anger would make anyone negative so I don’t mind it so much.
It’s like the elephant in the room in our family. She used to always fight with my brother aswell before he moved out. His wife has said to me aswell that my Mam needs to stop ,as in relax and calm down. If something is wrong with anyone she doesn’t sleep, has to be in charge of everything and she has to drive everywhere as she is a very nervous passenger and is one of those that puts her foot down as if to press the brakes when the car doesn’t even need to slow down. She is also a perfectionist in everything but her house is an absolute mess. She will dictate to myself or my dad how to do the most simplest of things, for example I was brushing my hair wrong one day in her opinion.

I have tried to reply calmly that wherever she is criticising is fine but then she raises her voice and barks at me. Today when I said to her that it wasn’t my problem she doesn’t believe me and I know I got my hair cut she told me to shut up. The shouting matches don’t work, speaking calmly doesn’t work.

It’s just affecting me as much now as it did when I was in my teens and she threw out my suitcase and bag with duvet etc and slammed a door as I was moving out of home and she didn’t want me to.
I don’t seem to be finding it easier to deal with her. I was nearly afraid to speak at dinner today Incase I said something she thought was wrong and I’d be in for another eating. I can’t go on like this.

This struck such a chord with me.
I really know that feeling of trying to keep it together for other people, as well as being told I don't have any friends, am fat ( I'm not), don't have any style,I look a mess, more latterly that my husband is using me.
It's less of an issue now I have kids and my own life and live far away but I constantly remember that feeling as a child and teen of living on egg shells. It was the fact that the most vicious attacks seemed to come out of the blue. I remember a really brutal one in the car before being dropped off to a school play rehearsal as a teen and sitting there, desperately trying to hide from the other kids that I was crying and shaking as I waited for my turn to go on.
At the time I just assumed I deserved it and I have been dogged by low self esteem throughout my life. I remember once wondering why I felt like I couldn't join some colleagues in conversation and realised that I thought it was a bad person who wasn't good enough to hang out with them.
In short I think your experience is probably more common than we think.
I wonder if menopause had a part to play in my parent's behaviour but I suspect that there were mental health problems there too. It feels too simplistic to say narc. It seemed as though she saw a reflection of the world but one was distorted. I suspect perhaps depression or perhaps some kind of personality disorder. All I can say to you is that the person that she depicts is a figment of her imagination. They do not exist. I don't think cutting off all contact is the answer (at least for me) but controlling contact and getting to truly to know yourself, whether that's through therapy or just a process of discernment, is I think perhaps the way to neutralise these horrible comments and to overcome the shadow of the past.

I could have written your post OP. What another poster said, she's not bipolar... She's just not a very nice person.

I kept wondering why I had a terrible relationship with my mother from the age of about 8, or as long as I can remember. According to her I was a terrible child, I had a flaw in my character, and so on. That she threw me out onto the street at age 14 and didn't care because I wouldn't do as I was told, or didn't agree with her. I mean, what teenager does? I maintained low contact for years just birthdays and Christmas but when then she'd find a reason to do something cuntish for no reason..

In my early 30s I suddenly decided enough was enough and cut all contact... That was 10 years ago and its been the best 10 years of my life.

She won't change, you're not a terrible person, you don't deserve this. Get some help, read some books and look up narcissistic mothers for some research, then start healing yourself.

I doubt your mother has bipolar. Bipolar doesn't make you horrible to people. My sister has it and is the kindest person ever. More likely to be some kind of personality disorder but I'm not a psychiatrist so I wouldn't know.

I would advise though going as low contact as you can manage or be nocontact at all. Just because she is your mother, it doesn't mean she automatically gets to be in your life. Good luck.

@Opaljewel

Good points. I will add that after my suicide attempt I finally had a session with a psychiatrist. As we were wrapping up I asked this man, possibly with ten years experience, had he ever diagnosed anyone with NPD? No, he said.

Now that's frightening. Nearly 17% have it. That's why DA is utterly and monstrously out of control. Most narcs, both male and female, tend to have a reasonably good understanding of cognitive empathy. Females tend to be better. Probably because they grow up with female friends.

Having a narc mother, well for women I think, suffer tremendously when their prime female role model has NPD.

My gran had it (Not diagnosed but there really is no need as we all know what shit smells like once we've seen it a few times right?xD). She made me the scapegoat for the six months of the year she stayed with us. Ever year. Till she croaked it when I was 11.

I went on to have them as friends and to date men with it. Because I was conditioned to make excuses for it.

Now I can see it a mile off because I know what it is, did the reading, learned the paterns- and got shot of them. But I still struggle coming across them in workplace scenarios ect, where I can't always just run for the hills.

It is sad, there are a lot of nasty-ass people out there. And because it isn't well known about, society tends to excuse the behaviour or blame it on mental illness. They aren't Ill. They are just evil.

I would have thought 17% (1/5 ish) was a bit high but...thinking on it and having spent so much time seeing it and studying to see it...I'd say 1 in 7 or 8 easily. Then again, I could be mistaking it for other cluster b disorders sometimes. I try not to hang about long enough to differentiate the difference tbh xD

You are not at fault, tell her to fuck off and go NC.

I only read your first post.

Stop explaining yourself.

Cut your parents out of your life.. you shouldn't be made to feel like this !

I'm going to keep my response very simple.

It's not you, it's her.

I have a difficult mother too. It took me a long time to realise that it isn't me, it's her. The minute I accepted that, I started to feel a lot better about myself. I'm a lot older than you, OP, and I wish I'd realised it sooner. She doesn't get to me now, because I don't allow her to. Her issues (they are many) are not mine. Our relationship is much better now.

75Renarde My sister has borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder diagnosed by a licensed psychiatrist.

What do you get out of this toxic and dysfunctional relationship with your mother? What is stopping you from going either Low Contact or even No Contact? Do you feel an obligation to her purely because she's your mother? You sound immersed in the fear, obligation, guilt triad.

I've seen this scenario so many times, and it only ever ends in pain. You should have a read of https:/ www.outofthefog.website

He is aware of behaviour towards me and when she is critical of something so small he says what does it matter. But he has never sat her down and said her behaviour is unacceptable.

Your father is a weak man who is enabling her narcissistic abuse of you. He's equally as culpable.