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Original poster

Would you accept this from a male friend ?

36 replies

Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 08:59

I don't see him that often but we speak on social media most days.
There have never been any feelings there on either side as far as I know, well he has never asked me out or said he likes me, excluding once when we were 14 years old (late 20s now), but I feel very at ease talking to him.

The other night I told him I was feeling lazy and just felt like staying in bed, and he drunkenly texted me, "I wish I were there too 😜".

A few weeks ago, I was wearing a dress for a night out and I said to him I felt self-conscious as it was a bit short, and he said "pics ? 😜😉". He also said once that my boobs really 'grabbed his attention' on pics.

We have actually fallen out over this in the past. He had just broken up with his ex and his ego was obviously a bit bruised. He was asking me questions like "Would you swipe right on Tinder for me ?" and commented "I would 😉" about me and said he had "stalked my pictures".

I found it really uncomfortable and we didnt speak for a couple of months. He apologised and I told him I knew he didn't have feelings for me, and it hurt that he was objectifying me in this manner, and he said I was a 'friend'.

So now I feel like he's creeping back into that mode. If he finds me attractive fair enough, but if he's being sleazy about it I see that as a lack of respect for myself.

Would you see this as harmless or something more ? Thanks

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 08/12/2019 09:01

He is a sleaze.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 09:02

Ugh, nope. Sleazy as fuck. You may want to rethink your friendship.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 09:03

This is going to sound very pig-headed but this has happened to me a couple of times with male friends! I've had a married one tell me twice "if I weren't happily married, I would wisk you away in a heartbeat (plus he's 20 years older than me 🤢).
Another married guy who was complaining to me about his marriage, was telling me I was very pretty then asked me for a drink, then told me he had 'overstepped the mark'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 09:03

Granted they didnt do anything, but it makes me feel uncomfortable knowing these male 'friends' fancy me.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 08/12/2019 09:04

He's a typical horny guy. They see you as an object.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 09:04

These men clearly can't see you as a friend, more a fantasy fuck.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 09:05

Where do I meet men who just see me purely as a friend 😂

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 08/12/2019 09:06

If it wasn't you it would be the next female. It's not you op- these men, of any age and any relationship status, are not capable of seeing females as people. They just see boobs and vag. Not your fault at all. It's their failing as men.

YouJustDoYou · 08/12/2019 09:06

Where do I meet men who just see me purely as a friend

A gay club.

CoatTails · 08/12/2019 09:07

I’ve had this too. These people are not your friends.
If you look back into the start of these friendships, there is likely to be a point where they tested your boundaries with a comment. You have not seen/overlooked/didn’t react and do over time they’ve been able to escalate.

I am NOT victim blaming you IN ANY WAY. Men like this are clever at pushing boundaries. I wonder if you can identify the initial point ?

Original poster
Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 09:10

Oh and another 'male friend' who had seen a photo of me and told me he 'couldn't unsee it' now. 🙄
You're right, it would be other females !
The male friend who asked me for a drink has stopped talking luckily.
I literally didn't speak to the main guy for 2 months and the fact that he's now doing it again is disappointing.
Sadly that's probably true, clearly wouldn't have this issue with homosexual males.

OP posts:
PurBal · 08/12/2019 09:12

Sleaze.

I had a guy do this on and off for years. He was good for a chat but we weren't close friends and he always ended up being sleazy. I forgive easily so I then wouldn't speak to him for month and the cycle would begin again.

He messaged me one morning asking for nudes. I declined. Later that day, via FB, photos went up of his wedding. He was messaging me for nudes the morning of his wedding!

These types of guys are jerks.

haggistramp · 08/12/2019 09:12

Where do I meet men who just see me purely as a friend

A gay club.

Even that's not a given. My experience had been that whilst not sleazy, some gay men can be extremely misogynistic. Obviously not all gay men, just like not all straight men are sleazy before anyone gets offended.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 09:15

@PurBal omg !! That's an absolute joke. What a pig.. Poor wife of his.

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 08/12/2019 09:17

Where do I meet men who just see me purely as a friend

Why bother?

The only men I actually enjoy spending time with are the ones I'm related to or having sex with. I've never felt the need for male friends - since I was in my 20s and every 'friendship' had an undercurrent of 'I would have sex with you given the chance' (from them) now I'm nearly 40 and I just don't see the point 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 09:21

@codenamevillanelle I get your point. I can't really think of one male friend who hasn't made commets at some point, I do think a mixture of men and women in a group is a nice dynamic, but it's true that I am never going to feel comfortable with these friendships knowing what they are thinking about me.
I remember this older male friend (I met him on a teaching course) saying that he and the other males had all had a discussion about how 'attractive' I was 🙄🤢

OP posts:
MarianaMoatedGrange · 08/12/2019 09:29

I remember this older male friend (I met him on a teaching course) saying that he and the other males had all had a discussion about how 'attractive' I was 🙄🤢

Yeah I think we get it now OP Grin

cantfindname · 08/12/2019 09:41

Not sure he is sleazy. Sounds like incredibly socially awkward. He wants to compliment you but has zero clue how to go about it without sounding like a sleaze-bag. Maybe this is why he is single.

He sounds desperate for friendship but can't open his mouth without putting his foot firmly in it.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/12/2019 10:16

I think you need to raise the bar on who you're friends with. These various man you describe OP aren't friends. They're just men who talk to you with the intention of trying it on. They get a kick out of it. That's not friendship.

Are you flattered by their attention at first? It seems that maybe you miss the initial warning signal that they're sleazy and looking at you as an object rather than a person? So they push the boundaries a bit further each time until it gets to the point where you feel uncomfortable like now.

You did the right thing in cutting off your so-called friend for 2 months? Why did you let him back in again? He won't change so stop expecting him to.

You asked where you meet men who will see you purely as a friend? I think this might be part of your problem. You don't go out to places specifically to meet a new friend. A hook-up maybe but not a friend. At least that's very rare. Friendships develop naturally over time. Through work and through hobbies and shared interests. Because you get to know the person rather than basing if you like them on their looks/attractiveness.

Sadly there are a lot of sleazy men out there. It can be quite depressing really. They will try to take advantage of any young attractive female with a good nature. Because they're creeps. Do you want to be friends with creepy guys? I assume/hope not. So the minute they behave this way, you drop them and move on. I think when you're younger, your radar is less attuned to these guys and you give them the benefit of the doubt. Because you're a nice person. But they're not! I went through the same thing when I was in my 20s (this was the peak!) even my 30s. I remember going out for dinner with a guy I was friendly with from my work gym. Halfway through dinner he dropped the bombshell that he was married but "don't worry, I can do everything apart from actual intercourse". Shock He seemed to think this was quite acceptable. Whereas I thought he was my friend!

Try not to be disheartened though. There are good guys out there. I've always had male friends, both straight and gay. Men aren't all sleazebags. Sometimes in your friendship there may be an attraction for a while (on one side or the other) but if the friendship matters, you ignore it and focus on the friendship and boundaries. My closest friends are nearly all male. Some of those friendships go back 30 years now. But at any point if one of those male friends had told me that my "boobs grabbed their attention" I'd have dropped them like a hot coal and never looked back.

Aminuts23 · 08/12/2019 10:30

OP this man is a pig!!! I have a few really good male friends, one of who is an ex and none of them would ever message me things like that. It’s a complete lack of respect. What a vile man.
I had a man do that to me before, kind of an ex FWB guy. He’d just split from his wife and assumed he could walk straight into my bed. When I rejected him he went berserk then blocked me everywhere 😂😂😂 what a prick

Bubbleguns · 08/12/2019 12:19

A man's perspective...

Most of my close friends are female, mainly because I find other men incredibly tedious.

Some of those friends are attractive. Is there a conscious part of my brain that has objectifying thoughts about them? No. But the inner caveman in me sometimes draws my eye where it shouldn't linger. I check myself and hope they haven't noticed.

Friendship is about mutual respect and trust. You can be close friends with someone of the opposite sex, even if you're attracted to them. But it takes honesty and self-control, amongst other things.

These men making suggestive comments or trying to elevate themselves to FWBs aren't your friends. I have a little sympathy for the bloke in the OP if he was feeling drunk/lonely/sad, but his behaviour was unacceptable and needs challenging.

Sparrowlegs248 · 08/12/2019 12:25

If this is happening to you such a lot OP, I think you probably need to put firmer boundaries in place. Some men think they're in with a chance if you look in their direction. If you are on "friendly " terms with them, they would see it as a positive come on. Ime, most men are testing the waters, all the bloody time. You need to shut it down, not brush it off.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 12:37

Yeah definitely, some men think you are interested just because you're polite and friendly.
What disgusts me is the ones doing it who have girlfriends/wives.
I think I should have shut it down asap rather than just brush it off.

OP posts:
SolitaryGrape · 08/12/2019 12:47

I agree with the poster who said that if this is happening to you on a regular basis, you need to put firmer boundaries in place and raise the bar on who you make friends with.

I have several close male friends, and none of them has ever been remotely sexual around me, in person or via messaging. My ‘best’ male friend has just got divorced, and has still managed not to put the moves on me. Because they are not sleazebags.

outherealone · 08/12/2019 12:54

I had this a lot in my twenties. In my 40s, not so much...
Op , change your friends. If you don’t wanna change them then you need to challenge them. Make them think about their behaviour, if city help change even one of them you’d be doing a service to your fellow women

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