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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he was going to kill himself

89 replies

sadandlostrightnow · 08/12/2019 07:21

Name changed.

I recently separated with my ex, and I got a hysterical phone call from his mum at 1am this morning saying that he said he’s going to kill himself.
She didn’t even know we have separated until that point, because he’s been delaying telling his family.

I feel like I should take him back after this, because I feel like this is all my fault and I need to make sure he’s ok. I rang the police and everything.

What should I do?!

OP posts:
Original poster
sadandlostrightnow · 08/12/2019 09:31

Is this something he told you, or a known fact?

He told me a long time ago.
His mum rammed it down my throat during the night too when she spoke to me. She said if he’s attempted it once he’ll do it again. She also said things like “I thought you loved him. Clearly you don’t if you’ve kicked him out.” and “He worships the ground you walk on” Hmm She just, doesn’t know her son as well as she thinks she does.

OP posts:
MsRomanoff · 08/12/2019 09:33

What did she say when you said 'he physically assaults me. His drinking comes first. He doesnt love me'

The suicide attempt. Can it actually be verified. Or is it possible that was simply this situation. Another time he has said it to manipulate people, a girlfriend when he was young?

Clutterbugsmum · 08/12/2019 09:41

Well you can see where he learnt to manipulate people from, he didn't fall far from the tree.

His mother can look after him, you need to put yourself first and any children before them.

He not fit to be around them.

Original poster
sadandlostrightnow · 08/12/2019 09:45

The suicide attempt. Can it actually be verified. Or is it possible that was simply this situation. Another time he has said it to manipulate people, a girlfriend when he was young?

Apparently it was when he was with his ex and he was unhappy in the relationship. I’ve never really asked about it to be honest as I’ve always got the impression he’s never wanted to talk about it.

OP posts:
LongLiveThePenis · 08/12/2019 09:46

You did the right thing in calling the Police. You can't and shouldn't do more than this.

It really is hard not to engage and you did well. It's not your fault in any way or form so please remember that.

Mermaidsinthesand · 08/12/2019 09:46

This is all part of the abuse

If he was actually going to do it, he wouldnt phone up everyone to announce it. Call the cops forget about them.

He does it he does it his choice up to his mother to stop him not his ex.

Sparklybaublefest · 08/12/2019 09:47

Tell her you dont love him

Sparklybaublefest · 08/12/2019 09:48

well done for calling the police.

Ilovethekitties · 08/12/2019 09:50

My ex was abusive to me and said the same thing.

It was emotional manipulation.

He isn't dead. Just drama.

ChristmasCakeLover · 08/12/2019 09:56

He is controlling ad abusive, this is but another method using his mother. For you and your dcs sakes, block her and call the police any and every time he threatens this.

Your ex may or may not be at risk of suicide. You and your dc are definitely at risk of domestic violence. He comes last.

ChristmasCakeLover · 08/12/2019 09:58

Xpost. His mother sounds as manipulative and controlling as him, block her and ignore. She doesn't care about you or your dc, just appeasing her son.

Nicolanomore24 · 08/12/2019 10:02

I spent several years with someone who I didn’t want to be with because of the constant threat of suicide. It was mentally draining and made me ill. He was in and out mental health wards, on medication allegedly seeing things etc.

It was made worse by my own mother who once told me “if he does anything to himself it’s your fault”

People on here gave me the mindset I needed to finally call it a day. Guess what, his mental health problems disappeared and he never harmed himself in anyway. It was all emotional blackmail.

Drum2018 · 08/12/2019 10:10

He is your ex for a reason. His mother is frantic as he is threatening to kill himself so she thinks you will solve it all by taking him back. That won't solve anything for any of you. Many people threatening suicide are not serious about actually doing it. They are attention seeking or in his case more likely trying to assert control over you. Those serious about it will just get on with it and do it without announcing it. Even if your Dh did kill himself, it won't be your fault. It will be his choice to do it. You won't hand him a rope or pills or push him off a cliff. You have to detach yourself emotionally from him as hard as that sounds. Do not answer calls from his mother - block if needed. You have contacted the police, leave it at that.

Beveren · 08/12/2019 10:26

She also said things like “I thought you loved him. Clearly you don’t if you’ve kicked him out.”

Response: Well, no, I don't love people who are physically violent towards me. Perhaps you should think about how your son grew up that way.

Beveren · 08/12/2019 10:27

OP, when a man's violent and abusive behaviour drives you to leave him, what he chooses to do as a result is NEVER your fault, it's his. Please don't contemplate taking this man back under any circumstances.

SophieSong · 08/12/2019 10:31

His mum is probably not thinking clearly and unfortunately using emotional blackmail because she is scared he might harm himself. While that's understandable it's not acceptable and is a very emotionally immature response - much like the emotionally immature response he is showing by threatening suicide.

If he is truly suicidal he needs professional help which you are not able to give him. If he is not then the worst thing you can do is give in to his demands.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/12/2019 10:54

Abusive men who use threats of self-harm to bully you don't kill themselves, though. Unfortunately. It would be more helpful if they fucking got on with it. This man is an arsehole and his problems are his own fault. I agree with PP who say detach kindly from his mum, who is understandably scared, but do not take him back or agree to see him or allow him to communicate with you in any way. If there is any decency in him, underneath the alcoholism, and if he gets professional help and sorts himself out, you may be able to get to an amicable co-parent relationship with him in the future, but in the meantime, look after yourself and your DC. He is not your responsibility.

nakedelfscientistOfThigh · 08/12/2019 11:40

Hi OP, what are the reasons you separated? Mainly the drinking and he was emotionally draining. Also some physical violence towards me and doing things like breaking drawers in a temper.

Oh my love. Do not take him back. Not now and not ever! Let the police/ hospital/therapist/his family deal with him. Spare your poor kids and yourself a live in abusive, alcoholic, manipulative father.

xChristmasJumperx · 08/12/2019 11:42

Please don't let him manipulate you in to taking him back.

If he is suicidal which I doubt, then you cannot cope with that. You cannot be responsible for his emotions.

My x tried to make me responsible for his emotions. It's exhausting.

Spare your kids that life. Brew

xChristmasJumperx · 08/12/2019 11:45

Ps, the standard double act of bully son and MIL manipulating you in to being the one to give up your life to be his emotional blotting jotter. No.

Leave them to it.
My x treated me disgracefully, and his mother blamed me for leaving him. Confused

The pair of them have each other now.

Beveren · 08/12/2019 12:15

I must say, I can't help feeling sympathy with the view that if all the abusive men who threaten to commit suicide actually followed through, they would be doing women a favour. But of course they never do.

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 13:29

Some do, which causes problems too. Some men are abusive AND genuinely suicidal. Public services are best placed to help. OP’s priority must be herself and the DC.

RLEOM · 08/12/2019 13:36

God, don't get back with him! All he will learn from that is to threaten you with suicide and you'll come running! Do you want that?

By all means, have a chat with him if you must, but emotionally unstable people, without good enough reason, are not good relationship material.

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/12/2019 13:59

He has choices.

He can behave like a stupid child and lost his relationship.

Then, he can face his issues and start GROWING UP, or he can continue to behave like a stupid child.

These are all choices within his control and not your problem @sadandlostrightnow

HollowTalk · 08/12/2019 14:05

So he wants to kill himself because you won't put up with his bad treatment of you? And his mum isn't telling him off for treating you badly, but telling you off for not putting up with it?