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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said he was going to kill himself

89 replies

sadandlostrightnow · 08/12/2019 07:21

Name changed.

I recently separated with my ex, and I got a hysterical phone call from his mum at 1am this morning saying that he said he’s going to kill himself.
She didn’t even know we have separated until that point, because he’s been delaying telling his family.

I feel like I should take him back after this, because I feel like this is all my fault and I need to make sure he’s ok. I rang the police and everything.

What should I do?!

OP posts:
DisgruntledGuineaPig · 08/12/2019 07:48

If hes genuinely suicidal, he needs professional help, you wont be able to fix this. If hes not, hes a manipulative shit for pretending to try to force someone who doesn't want to be with him to take him back.

Tell his mum to call the police/an ambulance if hes likely to kill himself soon. If not, to March him to the GP on Monday for help.

If he is ill, he needs trained professionals. Your body is not a good substitute for antidepressants and therapy.

Lweji · 08/12/2019 07:51

I also spent a long time on the phone trying to convince exH not to kill himself. Thankfully I wasn't dealing with it alone and ended the call sooner than I would. Still alive too. Hardly ever speaks to his son too. The one he couldn't live without.
That time I also got an upset phone call from his mum who had no idea what was going on.
It's really hard, but detach. You don't want to be with someone due to emotional blackmail.

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 07:58

Don’t take him back!

Read up on this, it happens often.

Also read up on “flying monkeys”.

BarbaraStrozzi · 08/12/2019 08:08

Like a PP said, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Explain that you are separated and that any attempt on his mother's part to guilt trip you will lead to you blocking her number/on social media - and mean it.

If he threatens suicide, do what you've done namely call the police, every single time.

100 to 1 on says this is being done as an attempt to control you.

Unknown199318 · 08/12/2019 08:23

Hi OP, what are the reasons you separated?
What is is doing is very cruel and manipulative! You can not get back with someone because you feel sorry for them, it will never work out

PsychoticRodent · 08/12/2019 08:24

People who are serious about suicide don't go and tell people, those that do this are simply trying to exert control over the other person. Please ignore him, block his number.

Beveren · 08/12/2019 08:28

Don't take him back. He's not going to commit suicide, and none of this is your fault.

DSis's foul ex made this threat a few times before she finally left him. Several years later, he's still alive and almost certainly making some other woman's life hell.

OneUsernameOnly · 08/12/2019 08:39

When will people stop peddling the myth that those who say they want to kill themselves don’t actually do it! It is untrue as I discovered at 16 when my mum killed herself. It is fucking damaging and dangerous when people aren’t taken seriously when they voice their intentions!
OP if your ex is suicidal he needs professional help and you can’t save him. You did the right thing by calling the police. Disengage with his family and look after yourself. He is not your responsibility. If he isn’t genuinely suicidal still keep calling the police, disengage and look after yourself.
Flowers to you op

Original poster
sadandlostrightnow · 08/12/2019 08:41

Hi OP, what are the reasons you separated?
Mainly the drinking and he was emotionally draining. Also some physical violence towards me and doing things like breaking drawers in a temper.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadandlostrightnow · 08/12/2019 08:42

Thank you for all of your supportive replies. I’ve never been in this position before and it’s scary.

OP posts:
PsychoticRodent · 08/12/2019 08:43

Your anecdote is right, of course, @oneusernameonly , my experience is my mother attempting suicide three times, none of which she expressed, and several others where it was purely a form of selfish, narcissistic, behaviour.

I'm so sorry about your mum Flowers

OneUsernameOnly · 08/12/2019 08:44

Op yes it is scary but please remember he isn’t your responsibility. Your focus right now is to you and your children. Your ex has his mum to look out for him.

Selfsettling3 · 08/12/2019 08:57

If he is genuinely suicidal then he needs professional help from mental health professionals. Even if you are a mh professional you can’t be his mh professional.

My friend’s ex did this to her after he dumped her. She believed it and called the police. He was not impressed that the police were out looking for him. He has not pulled that shit again.

MsRomanoff · 08/12/2019 08:57

OneUsernameOnly some people who say they will kill themseleves, unfortunately, do. As you say.

That does mean that plenty of people also say in an attempt to emotionally manipulate people.

Both things are true I would bet money, this man is the second one. Especially since his mother seems to resort emotional manipulation too.

Original poster
sadandlostrightnow · 08/12/2019 08:57

He has actually attempted it before but not when he was with me, so scarily I do think he has it in him if he is pushed too far. I’m so worried about what he might do.

OP posts:
MsRomanoff · 08/12/2019 09:01

No one is pushing him.

He was a bad partner and father. His situation is entirely of his own making

You dont get to abuse someone and get the relationship.

What he is doing now is further abuse

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 08/12/2019 09:05

Well, call the police and let them deal with him. They really are the best people to start the ball rolling if indeed he is a danger to himself.

Either the police will get him somewhere safe and with the right professionals be assessed

Or

It will mean he never pulls that sh*t on you again.

Sorry you’re going through this. It does seem to happen a lot in these situations.

OneUsernameOnly · 08/12/2019 09:09

MsRomanoff Yes you are right that some twats use threatening suicide as a way to manipulate. I still think it is dangerous to use “always” and “never” when talking about suicide.
OP if he has attempted suicide before then even more reason to disengage from him and his family. Yes it is scary and goes against what most people’s first instinct is, which is to help. But you can’t help him. Much as I detest using this argument how would you feel if this was one of your children being emotionally blackmailed? Your ex will do what he will do (or not!) you can’t stop it. Focus on you and your children.

FaithInfinity · 08/12/2019 09:10

Absolutely do not get manipulated into taking him back. Do consider doing the Freedom Programme, this will help you see his behaviour for what it is and should empower you. You deserve so much better than this!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 08/12/2019 09:14

As your mil has just found out she's probably panicking she'll have to look after him.

Ignore, you've rung the police, that'll do

Loopytiles · 08/12/2019 09:16

If he did do it, it wouldn’t be because he was “pushed too far” by your separation, or anything else, it’d be because of his substance abuse and health problems. You can advise him and his family to seek help and inform the police and his GP of his words.

You’ve explained that he was abusive. Don’t go back.

Lweji · 08/12/2019 09:25

He has actually attempted it before but not when he was with me

Is this something he told you, or a known fact?

pinkstinks · 08/12/2019 09:28

Please do the freedom programme and in particular the persuader week. You can complete online for £12 or buy the book or find a local free group...

He said he was going to kill himself
PositiveVibez · 08/12/2019 09:30

This IS NOT your fault.

Do NOT take him back.

He is physically and emotionally abusive.

This might be part of his game to get you back.

The kids do not need this and you do not need this.

It's all on him.

Lozzerbmc · 08/12/2019 09:30

You’ve done right to end the relationship. He is abusive and no good as a partner. He is trying to manipulative you into taking him back. People like that always get worse.....

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