Marriage on the rocks.

[Soffy]

I just need somewhere to vent really.

Dh and I have been married for 20 years. 2 DCs aged 12 and 15.

Generally get on well but I feel on the brink of calling it quits.
He's a lovely man in many respects but he gets drunk regularly and behaves liked a total idiot.

He goes out once or twice a week a group of friends. I have no issue with that part. But this particular group drink alot. DH will come home drunk, sometimes he's ok and just tipsy but most of the time he an arse

I've just had enough of having to worry about what he will say and do when he comes home. The pattern is always the same . He is incredibly argumentative and difficult when hes drunk. He says the most spiteful things. In the morning he gets up early to make everyone breakfast and if you confront him he blames everyone else and twists it all.

He has always binge drunk but the behaviour is now impacting us all as he returns home earlier then he used to,so we are all still up. Last night for example he marched into 15 year old dds room and yelled at her for being on her laptop. She always goes on her laptop late at the weekend and I trust her. We also have all the filters on and lock down the wifi after certain times. He was just spoiling for a fight and I hate feeling as though I need to protect my children from their own father. I got him out of her room and the he started on me , calling me a cunt and how I'm like my father (estranged father who is a selfish bully and alcoholic ).

I have just had enough of it. I've told him that I see bo future and want us to separate. I have only recently started a new job so will need to wait a few months to get everything in order.

He immediately went online and signed up to some alcohol management course. I just dont believe him. I've heard it all before .

He even told me it was his friends fault as he doesnt drink that much with me when we go out! Theres just no acknowledgement that hes the one chucking the pints back and treating his family like crap.
.I know what I need to do. All I need right now is some MN support to get through christmas.

Theres a load of other backstory to this as well. We are no longer intimate which is never a good sign. Have some financial worries. And two years ago he badly hurt me when he was drunk. It wasnt deliberate but it happened because he was drunk. I nearly left him but decided to stay and for a while he stopped drinking. But in the last 9 months its started again to the point that we all dread friday nights. He isn't physically aggressive, but hes verbally abusive to me , and intimidated the children by stomping about and behaving aggressively. Awful situation and I know it will be tough before life gets better.

I need to get money sorted before I can do anything else. I checked and I wont qualify for benefits other than CB . DH knows I've had it.

Just wanted to handhold and say you're doing the right thing! It sounds like a weekly hell that you and dc must spend half the week dreading and the other half recovering from.

If he does actually do something about his drinking then great for him and his future, but too late for you as a couple. He's made the active CHOICE for YEARS to hangout with these people for years so he can drink to excess. Despite knowing the effect on his family EVERY bloody week. 'They made me drink too much' is a pathetic excuse. He knows it happens EVERY time. If he wanted it not to, all he had to do was not go out. But his getting wasted was more important to him than not treating his family like shit.

Until he's gone there will be dark days ahead, but that's short term! Get your ducks in a row and look to the long term future where Friday night's can be fun and peaceful.

Video him on your phone ( covertly) next time he's drunk and simply use it to back up your chat with him the next afternoon, when he's totally sober. If he's shown how intimidating /arsy/scary he is when pissed, it might just be enough to make him stop. If, after that he still does it then run as far as you can.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look at what yours taught you. It sounds like you yourself went onto marry a man who is like your own father (also a bully and alcoholic). Why did you call DH a lovely man in many respects, he clearly is not. Lovely men do not do this to their families. This man is an alcoholic and calls you a bully (this is him really mirroring his own self onto you).

Your children particularly at the ages they are now cannot afford to learn these same terrible lessons about relationships (for them to potentially repeat themselves). Living with an alcoholic as they also are is no life for them either and you are constantly firefighting the chaos at home. You are not fully able to protect them from the realities of his alcoholism. Its not called the family disease for nothing.

Can you not divorce this man?. You are married to him and thus have rights in law. How it is too that despite checking (who with?) you will only receive CB. He likely also won't accept you separating from him so you are going to have to dig deep and firm up plans yourself to leave and asap.

I would contact both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations as these could help you no end. Getting money takes time and the longer you remain in there with him you run the risk of him being violent towards you. Do not film him openly; that may put you at risk of being attacked. Start logging each and every incident now with the Police if you have not already and let them deal with him if he starts in your home.

It will also take time to build up an escape fund if this is what you are planning but I feel you need to get him out of your home sooner rather than later. Money and a lack of does stop people from leaving amongst many other factors (for example fear of him, fear of the unknown to name but two) but no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable.

You're doing the right thing. I was a teen-ager whose drunk father would barge into my room at night, wake me up and harangue me belligerently. It affected me for many years, in fact still does 40 years later.
He's the one that needs to leave, though. You need the family home for the children.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you are apart from this man. Your children should now also be pointed in the direction of Al-ateen and you need to attend Al-anon meetings. It was no coincidence that you went onto marry someone like this man.

Thank you all.

Re benefits. I checked online. We have savings over £16k so I'm pretty sure its right. Unfortunately its in investments rather than cash and will need time to access.

Yes I can divorce him and that's where this is heading. I think I will need to leave him as I cant see him going.

Thanks for the support. I know what some of you are saying about my dad. History repeats itself. But I cant address all that right now. I need to get DH out of my life first.

Film him.

Sorry, posted too soon. Potentially set up a camera to capture some of his behaviour when drunk. This may shock him enough to stop or if not would be useful in a divorce. Blaming other people for him being drunk is pathetic.

What have your children said about it?

I would seek legal advice as soon as you are able about divorcing your H. You have much to discuss with a Solicitor; not least of all your own safety, the kids, property and finances. It may well be that you can stay in the family home. He should be the one who moves out in any event.

Do consider contacting both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women too.

I had to share this as it really sums it all up.

I was aware that DH was behaving like all was normal and I was in danger of doing the same. Posting on here helps on that front to keep my eye on the ball. So, as we cant really talk in the house and I'm trying to give an impression of normality to the DCS for now, I suggested dh and I take the dog to the park. He starts off by saying yes wants to take me Christmas shopping, to which I reply it's best not too, things are not back on track as far as I'm concerned. He the told me I was being 'unsupportive' and wasnt helping. cheeky fecker!he said hes signed up for this online course and that I 'should be giving him a second chance '. I pointed out this was not the second chance , but probably about the 20th, and whilst I appreciate the fact he's 'finally realised ' should he not have done that 2 years ago when he hurt me. I am supposed to be grateful that he's doing something about it now. Well I'm bloody well not..

And then the golden nugget..... after the incident where he hurt me 2 years ago he have up alcohol completely for about a year. To be honest he turned into a sanctimonious bore who counted my drinks (I get through 2 gin and Tonics on a night out so hardly a heavy drinker) and winced and commented everytime he felt I was drinking 'too much'. I remember telling him I didn't need his commentary and she should bugger off with the comments. Well, during today's row in the park I pointed out that he had already made promises of change before and not kept to it. Ie, when he gave up drink and has since started again. And he said that was all my fault because I hadn't supported him and found him boring when we went out. Yes , I did find him boring. Not because he wasnt drinking but because he felt he could then comment on my own very modest drinking and tell me I was turning into my dad .

Anyway, to the point. It really showed me that he wont change. He has a major problem with alcohol and refuses to accept he is responsible for it. I told him that I hope he manages to overcome his problem for himself and the children but its too late for us. He said I was wrong and that I should be supporting him to which I said that my was perogative and I feel I've done enough. One of us will be moving out after Christmas (him).watch this space.

Honestly, what a dick.

Excuse typos.

You are absolutely doing the right thing - you’ll all be so much happier. Sending you lots of strength!

Well done OP. When he's gone the whole house will feel different.

My ex would turn into a total cunt when he had been drinking. I ended my 9 year marriage in July after one episode too many. Made a big show of giving up booze for a few weeks after a horrific episode while we were away for a few days. That didnt last. Alcohol plays a big part in his life. He ruined so many times were were out. My friend witnessed one episode in a restaurant and couldn't believe what he was seeing. He would become angry, belligerent, argumentative, sometimes confrontational with strangers as well as me. Never his own friends though. Said some very nasty and hurtful things. Perfectly ok when not drinking. Life is too short for this bullshit OP

Sounds very similar @Theendofmyrope. Hows things for you now?

I know it will be tough for us at times. My main concern is the children. Particularly my 15 year old who has had some MH issues in the recent past. It's weighing up the damage being done by her living with him and us splitting up. My 12 year old will be gutted but if it can be managed well then he should be ok.

I am just that he cant see what a twat he is. He even tried to dredge up my drinking. He claims I used to drink 'heavily ' which is total crap. Of course pre children I drank more than I do now , but never like him. He actually drank even more than he does now back then, but the difference is it didn't impact on us. Its only really become a big issue in the last 2 years as he now comes home earlier and the DCs are up later.

He bought up a one off incident before we had DCs where I jumped on his back as we walked home and he fell over. He was trying to draw comparisons and saying " you're not perfect. You get drunk and you hurt me too". Yes, that was almost 20 years ago and was a result of drunken tomfoolery. By comparison , 2 years ago he got horrifically drunk and was shouting and being verbally aggressive to all of us.The children and I were in tears and I went to get the spare bedding from a cupboard (to sleep in dds room because she was in such a state ) and he closed the door on my hand with such force that I had deep bruising for 6 weeks. I would go as far as saying he almost broke it. But as far as he's concerned the two situations are the same and we're equal. my only regret is I didn't leave him then.

So when he tells me this time he's finally seen he needs to change I cant help but think WTF. Was almost breaking my hand not enough? And when he says I'm being 'Unhelpful' I think I've done enough. I've forgiven, I've moved on and ignored it so many times but not anymore.

And when he seeks to blame his drinking on me or his friends or tries to deflect by accusing me of also drinking (I hardly do ) I just think he will never change. He knows my father is a weak spot for me and he used it against me at every opportunity. That I find particularly vile.

I told him earlier that the course he's signed up to is a cop out as far as I'm concerned. That he has taken the easiest route. He then supposedly signed up to another course which includes counselling and has told me I need to go with him as otnincluees counselling the 'other half'. Why the hello would I do that??

He is an Alcaholic.....you dont need him inn your life....he has had his chances you need to put the wellbeing of yourself and your children 1st. He needs to leave not you. Go and see a solicitor and get advice. If you have savings split them in half now and keep your share. You deserve so much better than this.....he is vile

I agree to somehow try and video him to keep as a reminder if he ever tells you he is not as bad as you make out. I think you seem to have put up with enough so good on you for trying to make a fresh start.

I had a father like this and it has impacted the rest of my life. My siblings and I dreaded him coming home as he was shouty and unpredictable. He then would have downer days after he recovered from his binge. It blighted our teenage years. I swore when I got married I would never put my children through it. My DH only ever goes out once in a blue moon but when he does those old feelings of panic from my childhood resurface and i panic my DH will do the same. (Which he doesn't but he gets a hard time because of my anxiety around this) So for your children you are definitely right to confront him and demand change. If he doesn't then you need to leave for them. My relationship has soured with my DF because as an adult I can see the damage he did to us and our mother during those times. I'm also a bit resentful and upset that my mum put up with it over the years and is now caring for my dad who suffers health problems from his drinking.

He leaves after Christmas.

There's nothing else to say.

I don’t think you’re turning into your father - I think you married him. Tell him to start house-hunting now.

You can’t resolve much with his lien of victim mentality. It’s the sign of a true addict. It’s also the sign of someone who will always be resistant to change because as far as he’s concerned, he’s being persecuted and if anything, you owe him. Well, you don’t. And the incident with your hand wasn’t an accident - the door slip, maybe, but the aggression, the force, the verbal - that’s all abuse. I hope you manage to get away with your family safely and make a happy new start.

He is deflecting and blaming to avoid accountability and you are right that this shows his inability to change. He sounds like an angry man who uses alcohol to vent. Why else would someone continue drinking when they know the impact.

Out of interest has he had a recent health check? Heavy drinking could to liver issues which could make you his carer.

Your children will be fine, they will mostly reflect your emotions. If you know it is the right thing to leave then you will get through this.

What are the finances like? Would you be able to move house with your share if the assets?

Sadly many alcoholics need to hit rock bottom

Thank you all. If we sold all of our assets I'd have a nice healthy deposit, but would need to move away. So I am hoping to stay in the family home until at least dd goes to uni and then downsize. I think moving would cause alot of disruption for the DCs. I doubt he would agree to that so I guess it depends on how soon the family home would need to be sold.

The video is a good idea. Not so much for evidence, but for me to remember what has like.

Yep. The video is a good idea - for you and for him. Sounds like he really is in turmoil and won't accept that he is responsible for getting better.