Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stop me from sending ex a message

50 replies

Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 13:36

It was 2.5 months ago. He used me until something better came along, made out he really liked me then didn't think twice about dropping me the minute he met her. He never broke up with me, just did it the coward's way.

Initially lied to me about them then I found out that was a lie. He was trying to keep me as an option until things were confirmed as official with her, so he was basically texting us both.

He went from sweet to cold overnight. I also left a pair of expensive earrings at his (my fault I know, and he just ignored the texts asking if I could get them, so I have never got them, but I don't want to ever see him again ) aside from the earrings text and when the incident happened, we do not speak anymore.

Anyway this situation really affected my confidence. It made me realise that any guy can act sweet yet be an absolute player. I know there are many more like him.

I know it's on him, his behaviour was awful. I feel like I never got an explanation or closure. I have this urge to text him saying that his behaviour was cruel and hurtful, that I really did not deserve that, and that why did he think he could treat me that way, I hope he realises the impact his actions had.

But this is probably a bad idea, isnt it ? He never really apologised or recognised what he had done and I think that's partially why I cannot move on.

I don't want to look unhinged (though who cares what he thinks). I'm just angry inside and I get constant headaches. Nobody has ever done that to me before and I am not sure whether i should send the message, then block for good.

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 07/12/2019 13:38

You WILL regret it.

Think about your future self, feeling either embarrassed and regretting that text. Or, feeling proud you held your head up.

slipperywhensparticus · 07/12/2019 13:39

You will regret it

Wantarefund · 07/12/2019 13:39

Nooooooo don’t do it! You’ll be back two square one and day one. Please don’t.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 13:39

That is very true. I want HIM to feel embarrassed and ashamed.
The girl is vaguely known through an aqcuaintance, and she's apparently cheated on 2 previous boyfriends.
So what hurts is that he thought someone lacking in morals like that was better than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 13:40

I don't want to look foolish though or to give him the satisfaction that i'm still thinking about him.

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 07/12/2019 13:43

Ps, I was treated in a shitty way by a man about four years ago and they NEVER feel guilt. They spin it all round in their heads. ''Nobody knows how a relationship will work out'', ''I never promised you anything'', ''you're acting like I owe you something'' ''i don't owe you anything!'' ''everybody's free to do what they want, to be with who they want to be with'', ''everybody is free to leave a relationship without explanation''.

Believe me. I've been duped and mislead and love bombed and discarded and I tried to make him feel guilty and he was surprised I rang him to call him out, surprised and angry that he was put on the spot! and that made him believe he was the innocent party. The one thing I'm pretty sure he didn't feel was Guilt. Not a moments introspection ever slows him down as he burns through women.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/12/2019 13:44

"Anyway this situation really affected my confidence. It made me realise that any guy can act sweet yet be an absolute player. I know there are many more like him".

And there are many not like this one you came across either.

Do not send this man any message. It won't achieve anything and will merely make you feel worse because you're still communicating with him. He is a supremely selfish person who is really also not worth anything let alone a what he will see as a rant and unhinged message. Do not give him any more power here by sending this to him. If you have not already done so block and delete him now.

You need to hold your head high and move on and upwards. Love your own self for a change and work on rebuilding your life starting with strengthening your own weakened boundaries when it comes to relationships. This man has also given those perhaps already weak or too low boundaries another knocking and you remain vulnerable emotionally.

Think too about what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. Consider the "Freedom Programme" run by Womens Aid and read about red flags and other controlling behaviours in relationships.

Ohyesiam · 07/12/2019 13:45

Providing you block afterwards , I think telling him he was in the wrong and cowardly could give you closure.

Yes you’re never going to get an apology or an explanation, but you do get to put your stamp on it by highlighting what he did wrong and the effect it had.
You have to be clear that you are not fishing for a response, that you are just dropping your anger on him and closing the door.

Sorry this happened to you, it does dent confidence, but not for ever.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 13:46

@slightlybonkersQFA i'm sorry to hear you went through that, what a creep !
He also uttered something along the lines of "I didn't promise you anything.". It's honestly amazing how his true colours came out overnight once I was no longer of any requirement.
What hurts is how they treat the ones they want to be with way better.

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 07/12/2019 13:46

I think the best way to Set The Narrative, ie, that his behavior made you realise that YOU were too good for him is to not react.

It is so so so tempting but you have seen him for the poor specimen he is. He is not a keeper, so you don't want to keep him.

Yuck. Get turned off. Pity that girl.

Eeeeeooooow ''had a close shave!'' is your vibe here. If people who know them ask you about it, don't get drawn in to revealing your hurt.
''Not a keeper, not for me anyway. Perhaps they're a better fit for each other''.

TimeTravellingDiamond · 07/12/2019 13:47

I really wouldn't! Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you're still thinking about it!

You will feel worse for that, I'm sure of it.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 13:52

Thanks everyone 🤞i have done this when I was younger, send lengthy messages to men about how they had hurt me, but it's true they are not worth the satisfaction.
I really did have a lucky escape, he's no prize.

OP posts:
BalsamicVin · 07/12/2019 13:56

Is he the one who went on holiday and then got together with the woman there and it was all over facebook?

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 07/12/2019 13:57

Holding your head up seems like letting them away with it, at first. But you know that as time goes by you'll regret flattering him.

As you know people who know him/his new gf, it's worth investing in to the long term by NOT TEXTING

Years later, I ran in to the man who love bombed me and discarded me and he tried (not to apologise) but instead that he hoped I was in a better place now. ''ie'' I was ''fragile. Not that he was an arsehole. I wasn't fragile. I was fed a load of horseshit and in the immediate aftermath, where I figured that out, I was SHOCKED. They never feel sorry. This I guarantee. All you can do is not feed their egos.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 13:57

No I don't know where he met her, it was maybe on a night out, but he didn't seem to know her before me. It is/was all over Facebook though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 13:58

Very true, he doesn't need his ego feeding ! If I text that he will probably be lapping it up. It was so rude about the earrings, too.

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 07/12/2019 13:59

Experiences like this changed me. I was less impressed by words, talk. I just switched from remember what they said they'd do, or said they felt and instead noting what was followed through on

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:00

That's true, their actions and words need to match up.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 07/12/2019 14:01

He knows exactly how shitty his behaviour was, he just doesn't give a fuck.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:01

I think it was on one particular night out though, because the next day he didn't text at all, but I noticed he had a new friend on Facebook and he was online constantly.

OP posts:
sableandI · 07/12/2019 14:02

Your silence is your best weapon. Don't message him. He will probably like that and feel some sort of glory from knowing you are feeling hurt.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:05

Maybe, which sickens me. I keep remembering the times with him in my head, when he was nice and sweet and wondering what happened. I just didn't know the real him, that's all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:05

I've decided i'm not going to text him. He doesn't give a crap that he's 'lost me' anyway. Thanks for the advice on here ! Not going to give him that satisfaction.

OP posts:
SlightlyBonkersQFA · 07/12/2019 14:07

''He knows exactly how shitty his behaviour was, he just doesn't give a fuck.''

Yes, and you can do better than that. You are the one who is worth more. Get turned off. He is not good enough.

Elieza · 07/12/2019 14:07

The two of those cheating arseholes are made for each other. Don’t text.
Shame about the earrings though. He could have posted them but he clearly doesn’t give a rats ass. Fuck him. You’re better. Move on happy. Xmas Smile