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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stop me from sending ex a message

50 replies

Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 13:36

It was 2.5 months ago. He used me until something better came along, made out he really liked me then didn't think twice about dropping me the minute he met her. He never broke up with me, just did it the coward's way.

Initially lied to me about them then I found out that was a lie. He was trying to keep me as an option until things were confirmed as official with her, so he was basically texting us both.

He went from sweet to cold overnight. I also left a pair of expensive earrings at his (my fault I know, and he just ignored the texts asking if I could get them, so I have never got them, but I don't want to ever see him again ) aside from the earrings text and when the incident happened, we do not speak anymore.

Anyway this situation really affected my confidence. It made me realise that any guy can act sweet yet be an absolute player. I know there are many more like him.

I know it's on him, his behaviour was awful. I feel like I never got an explanation or closure. I have this urge to text him saying that his behaviour was cruel and hurtful, that I really did not deserve that, and that why did he think he could treat me that way, I hope he realises the impact his actions had.

But this is probably a bad idea, isnt it ? He never really apologised or recognised what he had done and I think that's partially why I cannot move on.

I don't want to look unhinged (though who cares what he thinks). I'm just angry inside and I get constant headaches. Nobody has ever done that to me before and I am not sure whether i should send the message, then block for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:13

You are all making me feel better guys, thank you 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:13

He's probably given her my earrings, 😂

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 07/12/2019 14:13

Well done OP. If he was ever going to feel embarrassed or guilty then he'd feel that way already and just not have wanted to say so. If he doesn't feel embarrassed or guilty anyway then he won't say it either. Would have been a lose - lose decision to text him.

Out of interest how long were you two seeing each other? I only ask as some people always use the "we didn't say it was exclusive" to justify their behaviour so now I do make sure that we are on the same page when dating.

If you are on the same page then it doesn't phase them. If you aren't on the same page then your expectations and investment often aren't compatible.

Just something to think about for future. They sound like they deserve each other and you deserve better!

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:20

Just over 2 months. Though he was also 'seeing' her towards the end of that I believe.
You're right, he didnt show remorse. He almost had an arrogant attitude about it, and the earrings thing just made it worse.

It sounds stupid, but I thought we were together. He said stuff like "i'm yours", and I met 2 of his mates. We never said "we are together" but he told me there was nobody else and I said the same.

However then of course he used the 'you weren't my girlfriend' to justify it.

OP posts:
Mickeylove84 · 07/12/2019 14:24

Regarding the earrings, can't you ask his one of his mates to collect them for you?

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:29

I don't really know the friends tbh, I met them once or twice but I dont have them on social media or anything, though it's a thought.

OP posts:
AFairlyHardAvocado · 07/12/2019 14:39

Doesn't sound stupid at all if you both said you weren't seeing other people. He lied and you told the truth.

Onwards and upwards OP! If you can afford to write off the earrings it's obviously easier but I understand if you can't, or if they have sentimental value.

Just a warning I left something precious at my (long term) exes and even he had got rid of it instead of sending it back to me. I don't even think maliciously, he was just a selfish dick!

Not sure what the answer is to get them back though 😔

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 14:46

Yeah.. Next time I will make sure we explicitly say this is a committed relationship, as too many of them use it as an excuse to treat people like this.

Luckily they don't have sentimental value, I can afford to not get them back, it's just the way he ignored the texts about them. I hope she's not walking around wearing them.

I'll just have to be extra careful next time !
That's shitty what your ex did :(

OP posts:
itcoldoutside · 07/12/2019 14:52

Yes please don't text him you will just give him an ego boost showing you still care

AFairlyHardAvocado · 07/12/2019 15:00

@Crystalxox

Luckily they don't have sentimental value, I can afford to not get them back, it's just the way he ignored the texts about them. I hope she's not walking around wearing them.

I know it feels shit but try to think of this whole situation as proof of what a dickhead he is and as relief you haven't invested and more time or feelings in him. You can wear your dignity and freedom instead of gold earringsSmile

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 15:08

Yes absolutely ! I think it's proof that some people can be very convincing actors and will go to lengths to get to sleep with a woman, which is sad. Then once you are no longer of requirement, the true self comes out.

OP posts:
Faith50 · 07/12/2019 16:43

Firstly, I am sorry you feel so crapFlowers

It is not worth it. I have been there and it is hurtful to feel so discarded even in a short term relationship. Messaging shows you care andvare trying to continue with contact.

As many posters have said, he does not give a hoot. Giving him a piece of your mind will not affect him as he does not care about you or what you think of him.

It is amazing how many men blow cold after sleeping both you. The novelty wears off and I guess they were not invested enough to take the relationship any further.

I wish I had known in my late teens and early 20's that men can quite happily spin you along, call you endlessly, flatter you, sleep with you and drop you without looking back. I spent a lot of time wondering what I lacked and why I was never enough.

Aminuts23 · 07/12/2019 16:53

OP I got cruelly dumped a couple of years ago by a guy is been seeing just under a year. It was a total shock and I’d really thought he was a nice guy. The way he did it was incredibly hurtful. I was in shock, devastated and angry. I wanted him to know how poor his behaviour was, how hurt I was etc.
I sent a long email to him about it. He didn’t reply other than a short text saying he’d read it and was sorry. I then felt worse. Awful. I didn’t get any explanation or any response that made sense. I did feel like I’d lost my dignity. I haven’t communicated with him since and I bitterly regret sending that email even now.
Dignified silence is the key. I maintained this even when I (much later) found out about his new GF who he’d met about 3 months before he dumped me. It gave me the explanation I never got from him. He’s a dick and she’s very welcome to him Grin

Windmillwhirl · 07/12/2019 16:56

He will ignore you and you'll feel really shit all over again.

Don't let him erode your self worth. He's not worth it. He's a coward and false

Intheheat · 07/12/2019 17:16

Ignoring him completely is your best option. Silence is more powerful than anything you say. If you write you will be waiting for a response and you can't predict what that will be but it will hurt you more. Walk away and don't look back. Get your own closure by processing what happened and moving on to better things.

Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 17:28

Thanks, these replies are amazing. I'm going to be powerful and say absolutely nothing. I'm kicking myself for being naïve looking back , but that doesn't mean that his treatment of me was justified or acceptable.
I feel strong and more positive now. Thanks for that link, i'll check it out !

OP posts:
Original poster
Crystalxox · 07/12/2019 19:59

Just deleted his number and blocked him. Honestly feel better for it, feel kind of free !!

OP posts:
Elieza · 07/12/2019 21:02

Good for you. You can forget about him now and do your own thing. . Xmas Grin

lisag1969 · 07/12/2019 21:15

He won't feel ashamed. He's a narcissist., he only cares about himself.
Please don't message him. You will just look foolish. He will do the same to her when he gets fed up and thinks something better has come along.
Steer well clear.

damnthatanxiety · 07/12/2019 21:24

Stop it OP. He's shit. Why do you need an explanation from a piece of shit? Why would you care what a piece of shit thinks or why they did what they did? In what way would you be better off? If he was a wonderful caring man, it might be helpful to know what went wrong. But then a wonderful caring man wouldn't have behaved as he did. So move on. Head up.

SlightlyBonkersQFA · 07/12/2019 21:48

Good move blocking him!

Original poster
Crystalxox · 08/12/2019 08:27

Thanks 💐💐

OP posts:
Abc234 · 09/12/2019 13:45

We have all made the mistake of sending them a msg when weve been wronged . Silence best .Bet you he gets back intouch and hopefully by then you will have moved on and you can tell him to ....off x

Original poster
Crystalxox · 09/12/2019 17:52

Yes you're right ! So glad I deleted the number. Sounds dramatic but just want this pain to go away. Why do they get you hurt you then go on happy and not giving a stuff. I guess if it hadn't have been her on that night out it would have been someone else.

OP posts:
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