Overthinking or am I being harsh?

[Moses12]

Met a guy 4 months ago. We have busy lives, live a distance away and he has 50% custody of a teenager. He has been in codependent relationships that he has said was unhealthy - said ex’s were crazy. I have told him that’s not my style and suffocation is a turn off to me. I am not too sure if I am overthinking things or is he selfish - causing his ex’s to pull him up, meaning to him they are crazy.

We see each other once a week, him doing most of the travelling. Normally after work, have dinner together, chat, watch tv and he stays over. On weekends he has no child care we try to see each other one day, me going to his.

He works and starting his own business. He ways texts to say how busy he is and then sends pictures of his orders. He warned me he is busy in December but said don’t worry will still make time for us.

However this weekend he has chosen to go out with friends. He then told me in the next few weeks he will be busy at weekends selling crafts at markets and his family is coming from abroad for Xmas, so will be spending time with them. But said Monday’s are our day, so let’s make sure we see each other.

I jokingly said we are rubbish at scheduling. He keeps mentioning that I went away for 2 weekends, and had an event planned so I am not that available when he was child free. Only 3 weekends out of 4 months. During those weekends he kept texting bored. I told him to go out with friends and he said no one free! Was not impressed by these texts.

His texts have reduced since Monday and only saying busy, how’s your day etc. However I didn’t answer one text and got texts a few hours apart asking ok, look what I made. Last night he went out and he texts at 4pm saying getting ready to go. I replied have a nice night. He has not read it or answered back. Normally he would.

I am now thinking that he is Losing interest or being selfish. At this moment I feel I am just a night filler, as in, he doesn’t think of me or want to spend time, just when bored. I spoke to him about it, and he said no, just busy, he likes me etc. I have reduced communication as need time to think. I think he knows this as his texts are being a bit more lovey, when he does reply. I do have to say we text each day and try to call a few times a week.

So is this a case of generally being busy in a new relationship and finding balance?Me having different expectations as I am used to seeing someone more, so texting and advanced scheduling was not really needed? Him showing selfish behaviour and feeling I see her once a week, so making effort? Or we are just not compatible? What do You think?

I'm not entirely sure what the issue is? You both have busy lives and his, in particular, is busy during Xmas which he told you. It is true he chose to go out with friends for one weekend but sounds like you also made choices to socialise with friends during weekends you could have spent with him?

If you already see each other in person once a week, try to more often when you both can (while also making time for other important relationships like friendships), text daily and speak several times in the week on the phone - it sounds to me for a four month relationship and given your respective circumstances, that's quite a nice balance?

I don't know why you think he is selfish. Based on your post it sounds like this is based only on this one weekend he has chosen to see friends and not you?

I guess at the end of the day you need to be honest with yourself about how often you want to see someone you are dating? It sounds like deep down a 1-2 a week sort of arrangement is not enough for you?

I think the issue is not feeling In his top 4 priorities. This weekend was they only weekend free till Xmas madness started. Selfishly I thought he would want to Do something. It’s as if we are timetabled in and that’s fine.

My weekends away were planned before I met him - but always brought up as why we didn’t see each other. It was more the texts during those weekends of I am bored we could of been seeing each other. Rather than have a good time - undertones of guilt ( but could be overthinking).

He went out with his ex’s, ex husband last night. He split up with her 3 years ago (was with her 3 years) and he became friends with the ex husband, who has some custody of her kids (my bf had no kids with her) during the custody battle. My bf sees the kids few times a year and said at the end of that relationship he ended up bringing them up as she was not interested, so had a connection. I understand that.

Think it’s more he chose to see a guy and his ex’s kids, that he sees a few times a year over me. His excuse was it’s good to see them before Xmas.

Think I am being selfish?

I can understand if he wanted to see the kids, especially if he developed a bond with them and has continued to see them since he split with his ex. And I do agree it is nice to see them before Xmas. Then again - is it necessary to have gone out in the evening? Could he not have seen the ex-ex husband and the kids during the day then come over for a date night with you?

I think in context with what you're saying about how he behaved when you were away - yea that does have undertones to it that I'd be cautious about.

If it were just the other examples rather than how he was when you went away I'd say it's mostly a case of scheduling and being busy. But thinking on it, I think I would also feel a little bit low on the priority list and I'd have been very irritated with being texted with complaints while I was away, rather than being wished a nice time.

So, I think it's a bit tricky - it sounds to me like it's not going to be easy to answer at this stage if he does have selfish tendencies or if he is just busy and has different priorities.

On the fence here. But I don't think you are being selfish. If it were me I'd give it until after Xmas and see how it plays out.

Yip. He stayed over. Normally I would have gotten a Saturday morning text or call. Nothing. But he is busy. There is something that feels not right. I am not too sure it’s me, as always dated people closer, not as busy and without kids. Sort of getting used to it. Or him specifically, like he is not right for my life values. I want a relationship and this feels like fwb, even though he says not.

In person he is really attentive, we get on and have a laugh. So conflicted that as we click so well, I want to see him more, where we can’t. Or deep down it’s not right and knowing his relationship history, I will be a crazy ex soon. I am of the mindset to not pressure anyone in seeing me, as if they want to they will make time. He knows I would like to see him more.

Destiny may dictate our long hours will end it. May wait till the new year when he closes his business for 2 weeks and see what happens. It we are to grow, this may be the time

A man who says that his exes are crazy should avoided at all costs.

You've been together 4 months. This is a busy time of year for everyone. You're understandably not a priority at this moment in time.

Haha. Yes crazy ex’s is in my mind. Think it drove them crazy. I know mutual friends and his last 2 were very odd and demanding. One went to jail, hence losing her kids. But that said, think my insecurities come from him saying all his ex’s pestering him into spending time with him and wanting to be about all the time. Now starting to think it was not pestering but him not making time.

Maybe wait and see how things go during January, after all the Christmas time commitments are over. You were saying that he makes things and sells them at craft fairs, so the holiday season is his biggest opportunity to generate income. Also, it's fair enough if both of you want to carve out some time for friends.

If you feel that the scheduling/balance are not working out by the end of January then just walk away and move on.

Is he interested in making plans to spend New Year's Eve with you?

Hi op

Doesn't seem like you have had the honeymoon period with this guy, 4 months in and your on here airing your doubts.

Maybe dump him now, have a decent chrimbo and start afresh in the new year
It all seems like hard work and over thinking.

We haven’t fully discussed it as I think he has his kid. We are yet to meet. Going to bring it up soon as if he is not free, will be going away.

Yip. Never like this with a guy. We missed out romantic dates to brushing our teeth together on date 4.

Conflicted as to whether I like him, so acting a bit crazy and finding excuses as to why it can’t work, as opposed to why it can. I am not a barrier creator or negative person, so no idea why I am with this guy. or it’s not right. Normally I know when it’s not right for me. It did have a chat a month ago about this with him, for the aim to end it. In the chat we realised our communication was not great. This has been solved, but time didn’t had not.

I wouldn't go anywhere near someone who said their exes were crazy and would run from someone who I had a feeling something wasnt right. If his ex went to prison and another had issues, it seems he likes to target women who are vulnerable in some way which is a really bad sign.

Every time I've ignored the above it has been at my own peril and they ended up being narcissistic sociopaths.

One ex in particular sounds quite similar to yours. Blew hot and cold and went from being incredibly clingy and relying on me to be his social life but then switching to ignoring my texts and acting disinterested. Always question someone who is unable to talk about the role they played in the breakdown of a relationship. At the very least he should be saying he made some bad choices and has learned from them. Saying his exes were crazy absolved him from any responsibility which is a worrying sign.

I have a bad feeling about this guy and like others have said, it doesnt sound like you have had much of a honeymoon period. Relationships are not supposed to be such a head fuck

Thanks. Yes I did explore why they broke down and he had said some of it was his fault and he has learned. Said he was blind to the person who went to prison. Mural friend - who I didn’t know was until started dating - told me the story of his ex before I knew bf existed. So credible. The last ex he said was partly his fault as he had high walls and guarded.

What to think

It siund like too much hard work do you really want to be one of his "crazy exes"

Well I am secretly hoping that I won’t be an ex. But need to figure out what I need and want. Feeling this is who he is - accept or move on. Weird December is not helping. Shall see what happens after. More time may mean more time to develop and see if he is worth it.

I don’t think you like each other that much. It’s either that or you both are too busy for a serious relationship. A case of good person, but bad timing.

I think you know what to think OP, your instincts are screaming at you and you are trying to justify them away. Please trust yourself on this one, you posted here for a reason. Just because his back story is backed up by a friend of his, I'm sure the friend was only told your P's version of events and the truth will be far more complicated. I actually think meeting up with the exes ex isn't true but a convenient way of showing you what a 'nice guy' he is when really he was with another woman.

If I'm honest, I have a feeling you are not the only person he is seeing. He is stringing you along with just enough attention to keep you invested but also keeping you at arms length by saying he'll be busy for the foreseeable future. Yes its Xmas and he might be busy with work but people invest time into things they care about and it seems you get to see him when he has nothing 'better' to do (or one of his other women cancelled on him). He is also guilt tripping you by saying he's bored when you are going out, like it is somehow your responsibility to entertain a grown adult. He should be happy and supportive of your social life. I bet he will arrange to see you last minute over Xmas when his other 'plans' fall through.

I think this is the start of a controlling relationship but then I am very cynical having dated so many men like this. If you stay, this will be the time you look back at and wish you had trusted your gut.

A man who says that his exes are crazy should avoided at all costs.

Yep. When I was dating this was an instant dump for me. It's indicative of a person who thinks nothing is his fault. Wouldn't bother wasting more time with him. He's made it clear he's not really bothered about a relationship, which is fine if you aren't, either, but it all sounds like hard work.

Gut and head saying different. Gut is saying don’t end it. I don’t think he is controlling and if he starts then I shall walk. I think schedules are not helping, but it’s the time aspect and investment. I want to invest, but holding back as feel he is not.

I really don’t think he is with someone else. Facebook pics last night of his night out, no suspect thing’s. trust he is not till something comes up not too.

Yip. I have downgraded him in my mind. Not ready to fully give up, but distancing myself to think.

Somethings not right. I was in a similar situation up until the middle of this week. I knew it wasn’t meant to be this difficult and despite not wanting to believe the signs in front of me because of how great things had been, I knew. The anxiety of trying to work our what was going on was crippling. I finally called him out and I was right, he ‘had realised he wasn’t ready’. Didn’t want me to lose me but understood If I didn’t want to wait around. It’s likely he hasn’t got the balls to be honest and is behaving distant till you take the initiative to walk away. So do, with your dignity intact x

You've said a couple of times that 'something doesn't feel right'. That is your gut instinct.

Read The Gift of Fear and ask any woman who has been in an abusive controlling relationship if they ever had the same gut feeling but explained it away at the time. I've realised how important it is to listen to that feeling as it's your body picking up on very subtle warning signs that you may not able to explain right now but will make more sense as he begins to show more and more of his true colours.

Facebook pictures mean nothing and can often be a very helpful cover story. Why couldn't he arrange to meet up with you later that night?

Why don't you just enjoy the relationship for what it is, as far as it goes? Not all relationships are meant to be exclusive or to last forever. Just go with the flow but keep options open. That's the beauty of not being tied down.

My gut is saying stay. It’s my head that’s saying go. He is not controlling and tbh if I thought he was I would walk. Been there.

We couldn’t meet up as he was out in another city. He maybe distancing himself, so I have stopped the chase. He seems keener, but texts are nothing in reality, it’s actions. Offered him to stay at mine on Friday, as both have nights out in same city - dump car at mine and go. Said he shall see.not chasing this again.

I think expecting to be in his top 4 priorities, after 4 months is ridiculous.