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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

That moment you realise it’s all over

35 replies

Idontkowmyname · 07/12/2019 08:15

On a weekend break with h and the dc and the way he speaks to me is shocking at the best of times. Traveling up to Scotland to visit family and I’m struggling to breathe and he just ignores me to play videos on his mobile with his headphones in. It takes one of the dc, an 8 year old to go mummy are you ok? How bloody sad when you get more emotional intelligence from an 8 year old than your own husband. He can’t say he didn’t know as I’d responded to a message saying I was struggling to breathe and he went oh ok. I called him on it when we got to our accommodation. Don’t get me started on how he had us all walking around in circles for an hour looking for our accomodation because he insisted upon using his phone rather than reading a map!
Asked him about my phone this morning and I got my head bitten off that all I do is complain and he’s sick of it. He had moved it onto his bedside table where I couldn’t find it. I have asked him before to pop it on my side so I don’t need to disturb him. I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by this I just needed to vent to someone as I’m feeling pretty alone to be honest.

OP posts:
Stinkyeddie · 07/12/2019 08:19

All I can advise is dont leave it as long as my family member....nearly 20 years...he made her suicidal in the end and started on the dc too.
Get legal advice, and contact womens aid.
Look up coersive control and abuse.
You and your dc deserve better.
My family member is like a different person now...you can be happy again.

SeaSidePebbles · 07/12/2019 08:20

Jeez, woman, tell him to fuck off! That’s not normal, you haven’t done anything wrong, and even if you did, that’s no way to behave.
Let him know he needs his rest now, when you get back home he’ll need the strength to pack his shit and disappear.

Treacletoots · 07/12/2019 08:20

Yep. It's all over. He doesn't care about your wellbeing, I'm sorry OP.

Dont drag this out. Be the one in control and tell him you no longer want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't improve your life. You can do this.

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 07/12/2019 08:34

How do I get through this trip with us all stuck in the one room?

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 07/12/2019 08:37

Did you drive? Grab the kids and the keys and go back home.

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 07/12/2019 08:40

No the train and the dc would never forgive me as it’s their favourite cousin they’ve not seen in two years that we are here to see. They’ve been overseas and are just back for a short break before heading back there for Xmas.

OP posts:
pemberlyshades · 07/12/2019 08:48

Ok if you and DCs can go- kick out twat husband?

pemberlyshades · 07/12/2019 08:49

*cant go!

TigerDater · 07/12/2019 08:54

Grey rock him OP - do not start a conversation, respond only minimally to him in relation to practical things, focus entirely on your lovely DC. Then when you get home, take actions to unravel the situation. These are stronger than words.

Asli2020 · 07/12/2019 09:06

Bare it out for your children OP, enjoy the time with your family, put on the performance of your life, then when you are back home. Start taking control if your future and don't look back.
Not bothering to ask if you are ok when you struggling to breathe is unforgivable and cruel from anyone, let alone your partner.

letsdolunch321 · 07/12/2019 09:08

I agree with previous poster, have minimal talk with him. Concentrate on making happy memories with the dc.

Once home make plans to move on. No one has to live like that. Be strong.

Windygate · 07/12/2019 09:22

Are the people you are seeing your side of the family and could you confide in one of them? Grey rock and slowing your breathing are coping strategies.

When you get home contact Women's Aid and start looking for a solicitor, you are going to need legal advice.

Make 2020 the year you set you and the DC free from this toxic man Thanks

Sn0tnose · 07/12/2019 09:26

You get through it a minute at a time if necessary. And every minute, you tell yourself that it’s a minute closer to being free of his shit and never having to be treated like that again. 💐

DeathBySnuSnu · 07/12/2019 09:53

Yes, just make it through the weekend Flowers

Honestly, I had the same moment with my ex- it's a horrible feeling to realise with absolute clarity that someone who is supposed to treat you with kindness is really a very cold man that doesn't give a shit about your unhappiness/wellbeing. Worst feeling in the world, I can appreciate how low and lonely you feel.Sad

My worst days of being single were nowhere near as bad as being with someone who didn't care about me. And you WILL find someone who cares about you. (Not that I'm saying you need a man, but having a good one is nice). Smile

Thinking about you and hope you're ok xxx

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 07/12/2019 20:41

I’m starting to dislike him more and more every minute. Getting dc ready for bed and so turned lights off as the room is like Blackpool illuminations and he’s mouthing off about not wanting to live in darkness amongst other crap . I’m feeling hellish and dc are going to be exhausted tomorrow if not sleeping soon. His selfishness has reached a new low.

OP posts:
CruellaDeVille2019 · 07/12/2019 21:05

Focus on your DC. They are your priority. Get them into bed and then tell him you aren't feeling well so you are going to sleep as well. Get through the weekend for your DC, then start getting your plan in place as soon as you get home Flowers

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 09/12/2019 16:37

So I’ve survived the weekend away. H is apparently unwell and as a result doesn’t give a stuff that I’m in a bad way physically. He had the cheek to complain that I should feel sorry for him and the dc for having to share a room with me and listen to me cough overnight!

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/12/2019 17:59

Was it just because he didn't want to go on the week-end trip OP?

Why were you struggling to breathe? Surely that warrants an ambulance?

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 09/12/2019 18:49

He wanted to go on the trip he was just being difficult

Had symptoms worsened I would have called an ambulance at the next station.

OP posts:
everythingbackbutyou · 09/12/2019 22:58

Yes to everything DeathBySnuSnu said. OP, you have my sympathy - I've just recently separated from dh. I'd known for years deep down that he didn't treat me well but wasn't ready to fully confront it I guess. When my third dc was a couple of months old we went away for the weekend. My dh was in a bad mood with me (again...)and had a go at me loudly in the middle of a cafe about my 2 year old ds running around, along the lines of "YOU need to check where YOUR son is going", with such contempt and hatred for me. The people at the next table were exchanging these embarrassed looks and I finally fully realized at that moment that of course my dh knew his behaviour was humiliating for me. He understood perfectly but just DIDN'T CARE. Final nail in the coffin for me was when we returned home, my 2 year old was tired and crying and dh just looked at him and said "Oh shut up". It broke my heart to open my eyes to the true person I'd built my life with. Things are starting to look up now, but still can't believe I found the courage to get out.

Original poster
Idontkowmyname · 10/12/2019 20:00

@everythingbackbutyou omg my h has done the whole your son crap on me too! I’m assuming your ds is his he just saw it as “your job” to keep him under control
Well done on being able to leave you’re a stronger person than me. Really glad things are looking up for you.

OP posts:
everythingbackbutyou · 10/12/2019 20:44

Not a stronger person, just reached that point where I truly feared for my mental health if I stayed, that point everyone says you will reach where you truly cannot go on as things are and you just know this is the right moment to go. Took me 2 decades of marriage to get to that point. The 'funny' thing is, over the past few weeks I have discovered that the less time I spend in his company, the more toxic and anxiety-provoking I find him when we cross paths.
And yes, his son but always my job to make sure the children and their behaviour only ever reflect well on him, never cause any inconvenience. Feeding all meals and general upkeep of said children also my responsibility of course.

HamAndPineapple · 10/12/2019 20:48

I love when they spell it out so loudly and so clearly ''I am an arsehole!'' that they leave you in no doubt about it. That really is great.

everythingbackbutyou · 10/12/2019 20:48

I found that trips and vacations seemed to bring out the worst in my dh for some reason (I am guessing a controller's reaction to an environment he is not in control of), especially if those darned children insisted on behaving like children (restaurants particularly were prime locations for mantrums)

everythingbackbutyou · 10/12/2019 20:49

@HamAndPineapple, absolutely! Makes the decision to leave so much easier!