Fearful mother and sister in law will control my baby

[Mimosa20]

I'm currently in my second trimester with our first baby. I have not shared the news yet because I am not ready for my in-laws intense response. My sister in law is desperate for kids but is single and divorced and mil is desperate for grandkids. MIL does not have any hobbies and is depressed because she has non of her adult children at home anymore...(we live 20 minutes down the road usually but have been abroad for 1 year and returning next month!)

On our wedding day MIL commented; 'now you need to get kids because I WANT someone to take care of'. SIL is very cocky about being great with kids and can be very opinionated.

Neither MIL or SIL seem to have any appreciation that I have my side of the family with my own cultures and values. I have decided to give birth in my home country, not where my husband's family live. I am terrified how MIL and SIL will take the news. I am also fearing they will come with fifty million advice what to do and not do during pregnancy, come up with baby names or not respect I need my own personal space around the time of delivery. I am also planning on speaking my own language with my child which I think MIL and SIL won't respect.

My husband has said he is backing me up and is supportive, but sometimes I feel he says it to calm me down but end of the day he is so obsessed about his mum and sister that he will let them behave however they want.

They can only dictate what goes on with your baby if you allow it. They can't name your baby, they can't tell you what language to speak, and they can't be in your home unless you let them. You're a grown woman, take control.

Time to learn how to set boundaries - glad your husband is supportive, just make sure he follows through
Make plans in advance also, such as nursery if needed, and don't fall for the nonsense you may receive such as names, ff/bf, weaning .. the list goes on and on - just have a stock answer such as 'we don't know yet but you'll know when we've decided' or such like
They'll only get away with what you let them get away with - stand united with your DH

Thank you for your responses.

I have been rather strict with my boundaries to the point my husband thinks I don't like his mum or sister. It is a tough balance between the two and yes I certainly know I am strong enough to not let them control. However when I hear too many of their comments I fear I will lose it and snap which is embarrassing! We're not that familiar with each other so I still need to be at my best behavior...

Anyhow, think I am mostly irritated and wish I would just have laid back in laws!

At what point will you need to travel to your home country?
I was not allowed to fly after 32 weeks.
This will give you a buffer from them for a good few weeks.
When they get a bit much, just chant a travel date to yourself in your mind.
Then don’t return until you have a confidant routine with baby.

Also, don’t let them know the plan until you are gone. They can’t then try to talk you out of it.

Airlines have different policies and most allow you to fly up until 36 weeks. I am definitely leaving around 30 weeks just in case. Could not bare having a premature in the wrong country! There is no way hiding my plan where I will deliver.

We are also returning (for me only a short period) to the country where my me and my husband and his family lives. My husband and I have a flat which has been rented out whilst we've been away. We are returning here upon our arrival and that has to be sorted out on the day. We return early morning and we'll have to go to storage to get the essentials, then sort our living out. My husband has already planned to visit his parents on the same day as we return and expect me to come too. We will be heavily jet lagged with a 9 hour time difference and 24h travel. Being jetlagged whilst pregnant is five fold, I experienced it already once to the point I was crying. I have absolutely no desire to go to his parents on that same day when the priority is to sort out our home and to rest. This is the constant nag, his parents/family is always a priority and totally disregard my feelings. He does not understand I am not as comfortable at his parents house as he is obviosuly! I won't see my own mother until 2 weeks later as I am flying home for a wedding. My partner was very slow at saying yes he is joining me for the wedding...as he probably does not want to.

I am getting kinda nuts and pregnancy hormones certainly does not help the situation!

Put your foot down and don’t let them railroad you. You’re the gatekeeper yo your child, you and your DH get to say what goes. Does your DH have trouble standing up to his mother and sister? Time for him to start practicing if that’s the case.

I know I am a gatekeeper. My husband says he will set boundaries with them but not sure if he actually does so. His mother and sister are super important to him so it is very difficult for him to be on my side although he says he is. It sucks and I have told him it affects our relationship. He obvioulsy does not want to destroy our relationship, but it seems like he just prays that I will magically become best friends with the mother and sister and agree to everything. They all seem live in fantasy land but therapy would actually be the best option because all these issues is due to MIL and DIL personal issues!

Ok you need a big sit down chat with your H and you need to make it 100% clear that he has two choices:

• Actually support you by doing what YOU ask him to. To the letter. No sharing information about YOUR pregnancy without checking with you. No agreeing to things they want without running it by you. No, absolutely no sitting on the fence. This is the way that will ensure that his mother and sister will be able to have a relationship with the baby. No, it won't be the relationship they want, because what they want is to take over, so they will complain about it and he will feel caught in the middle - but this is now the challenge he has to face up to: he is about to be a father, to be a part of a fully separate new family. He either chooses to put the needs of that family first, or he carries on acting as if his first duty is to his birth family and he fails his new family. The choice is his. But if he does successfully move from being primarily a son and brother to a husband and father first and foremost, then there will be able to be a relationship maintained. If you have him on side and know you can rely on him to not undermine you and not let them take over, then you will be able to cope with them. If he is on side to help make sure they stay in the role of granny and auntie, and not bossy wannabe mums, then it will work.

• He says he'll support you but he doesn't. He gives in to their manipulation. The result is that you feel harassed, bullied, that they're in your face and you're the only baddie who won't let them take over with your child. Fast road to PND, and also a fast road to an eventual total meltdown... you might give in for a while but eventually there will be a stand up screaming row and a rift. Result: they might not even end up with any relationship with the baby, and your H might end up losing his new family.

The message is: if you actually want them to have a relationship with the baby and for us to be a happy family, you help me keep them at arm's length.

The first thing you do after this chat: you tell him that a. you will not be visiting them on the day you get back. He can go alone, OR, preferably, he can support his pregnant jet-lagged wife and you'll both have a day to recover and go together as a team to see them. His choice. Who comes first?

b. you tell him in no uncertain terms that you will be telling them a due date which is a month after the actual due date as there is no way on earth you are prepared for them to plan to fly out for the birth. If they do that, they will not see the baby and you will move in with your parents and he can go home with them.

You really need to be completely unequivocal about this.

Why are you returning? The one thing that I would suggest if at all possible is that you stay in your home country for the first year. Have a really good think about whether this is possible. To be blunt, it's that year which will tell you whether your H is going to step up and get out of the FOG, and side with you, or let you down. If you're resident with the baby in your country, you not only have space from them, but the option (if the worst happened and the first year went badly) to stay well away. If you go back with the baby and are resident in the UK, you wouldn't be able to move to your country with the baby without his permission. You could end up stuck with the nightmare in laws in your face and a broken-down relationship, but unable to go home. So I would have a big think about that. Also, if you do stay in the UK, I would not be prepared to live close to them.

OP they will be over the moon at your pregnancy.

You're giving birth to your first child, their first grandchild, but you do sound hyper sensitive to them as a family unit.

You've already taken steps to exclude them in a massive way, with the secrecy of the pregnancy and an overseas birth. They will be immediately hurt by these choices, so you must expect fallout, despite it being your and your Husbands decision.

You can maintain boundaries without fracturing your child's or your Husbands relationship with your In Laws. Good Luck

boundaries now, and ensure your husband truly backs you

i requested boundaries on birth and they were not respected at all.

Is your DH a bit thick? Does he not understand that while he may be terribly fond of his mother and sister, as far as you're concerned they're only people who are randomly in your life because of who you married? I don't like my husband's mother much, although I'm fond of his father and his sisters, and one of his brothers, but this isn't surprising or shocking to him.

If your sil and mil are very difficult people and yet your dh loves to spend time with them, then I think you are in for a rocky ride.

Can you move a lot further away from them?

I really think you are in trouble if you don't get your husband to understand all this stuff now.

@FizzyGreenWater
Thank you for your input and wise words. I am planning on staying in my home country for the first year, but after 3 months travel back and forth (as much as me and baby tolerate) to the UK and stay a few weeks, then return home. It's only a 2,5 hours plane ride away. Husband will be at work and of course I want him to bond with the baby too apart from the weekends he will spend with me in my home country.

@BumbleBeee69
It will also be the first grandchild for MY parents. The only one who knows about this pregnancy so far is my own mother because I spent time with her during beginning of pregnancy and was impossible to hide my nausea and saying no to drinks! Why would I be selfish hiding the pregnancy? Husband's family a priority over mine? I am the mother and I think I am allowed to choose where to give birth and what's best for me and baby post-birth. I live away from my immediate and extended family all the time, this is my opportunity to deal with my home sickness and have a much better post-delivery set up! I also setting down ground rules for the new multinational family. We will essentially be living in two countries. As previously mentioned, MIL has troubles accepting that UK is NOT my home and I will continue travel home as I used to do. If husband gets to see his parents, why am I not allowed to?

What I am trying to do is have MIL and SIL back off so that I can cultivate a more genuine and positive relationship with them, and not feel like they're in my face. They are very intense and expects a lot of fake love. In that way I will probably actually kind of enjoy spending time (in smaller doses) with them in the future because it would be nice to do so. It's all up to my husband how much he manages to tell them to back off. He insist he wants his parents to keep living close by to us, max 20 minutes, because he wants to keep an eye on them and it's good for babysitting! I have told him his parents are too old and not agile enough to babysit but he gets insulted.

OP you mention different cultures. Would you be able to give a little more information on that aspect? From my own experience ( which was very much like you describe) with my ex husband and his family.

I'm not sure how to word this, so forgive me if it comes across as an invasive question - why are you planning on being in one country with your child with your husband and father of your child in another country? I think you'll be setting up all sorts of problems for your new small family if this is a matter of choice, rather than necessity, eg DH on active military service. It seems to me , an out-sider, from your posts, that you have made a lot of decisions about this baby, whilst not letting your DH, the father be involved. I think my DP would have had many words to say if I had decided to live away from him for the first year of our DD's life and those words may not have been fully supportive of such a plan.
Apologies if I have misconstrued the situation.

@DPotter

Husband is fully supportive of the set-up me giving birth abroad. As a multi-national couple, who's country wins? As we will be living in his country most of the time, we felt it is totally fine with me delivering in my home country. I don't see a trouble with that. It's not that I am intending on staying there forever (sadly). He has said he cannot move as long as his parents are alive...which will be for 15-20+ years...

The biggest reason which triggered the decision of delivering abroad is his pushy mother and sister. I have started to dislike living in the UK because of this, and I really miss my chilled out family. I would have high chances of falling into depression if I'd stay post-partum. Why would everything be under husband's term?

It seems to me that you don't actually want to get on well with them - you're keeping them as much as arms length as you can. But you're family now, and they are also going to be your child's family, so whilst you don't have to be best of friends, I do think it's in everyone's interests for you to be friendly (and vice versa with your husband).

I feel sad that the setup you are intending on having will deprive your husband of his child during the weeks.

I might be wrong here, but to me it sounds like in your quest to not get taken advantage of, you've put up such high boundaries that it actually risks pushing people away.

And popping over to his parents house for an hour when you are back isn't really much of a hardship, and it's the kind of thing loving spouses surely do for each other.

Exactly what @FizzyGreenWater said, all of it word for word.

I think your DH however supportive has gotten used to be manipulated by his mum and sister and I don’t think MIL and SIL will change or stop until they get their ways. He will have to step up to enforce your boundaries or they will play you against each other.

If youre saying he could/would move to your country but won’t because of them (not because of work, social network, language etc) then it’s an indication they are his priority.

You should never stop him from having a relationship with his family but if they are unreasonable and not treating you with respect, he should proactively stick with you because you will have a really tough job now being a new mum and that should be your priority, not pleasing your inlaws. You will have all sorts of emotional blackmail. Let them, you need to protect yourself and your baby.

Your (yours and hubby’s) baby, your decisions, no one else’s. Good luck 💐

My DH is the one who started this. He has been pushing me to the point it has become a sensitive subject. From the beginning I have been positive about his family , but that clearly did not suffice. I had to bend head over heals and become BFF with both MIL and SIL. They do not share many of my interests. I want to get along with them, but first they need to respect that I might not have the same values as they have. I am already compromising a lot just so that my husband can remain close to his family.

I do think it's in everyone's interests for you to be friendly (and vice versa with your husband).

I don’t see anything in OP’s post to suggest she is not friendly to her husband.

Respect is another issue. If her in laws are trying to impose their views and opinions on how she raises her child and accuse her of being ‘unfriendly’ if she pushes back, I wouldn’t have that.

My impression is that if the in laws respected her and hers and husband’s decisions and choices, she wouldn’t feel the need to escape?

I don't understand your concerns Tbh.

Let's says your 13 weeks now (2nd trimester), youre abroad atm so will be at least 17 weeks before you tell them, then moving to your home country by 30 weeks. So at most that's 13 weeks pregnant in the same country as them. There isn't really much thry can do in 3 months to interfere is there?

Then you'll be living in your home country (away from your husband?) so speaking your native language will be as standard, it seems more likely the child will strive to pick up much English given how lite time he'll have with your DH. The trips back to the UK you' ll conveniently make too busy to really see your IL's ensuring there's very lite relationship with your child.

It's clear you don't like them, and I'm not surprised you're husband is steuggling with that when you're basically using them as an excuse to move home away from him and them.

@LittleWing80 I also think he has been manipulated but these two women but does not recognise it. Now he manipulates me to please them as he is saying "do it for me" when it's anything to do with his MIL or SIL. It is all so crazy and I am slowly working on making him understand that it is not normal the way he wants me to be some form of a moderator just to please his mum and sister. His mother has never to date said 'how nice you are going home to see your family'. She is rather critical and say 'but this is your home' referring to UK. It has shocked me and made me very angry. She does not listen or respect to anything I say and I have therefore distanced myslef.

That seems quite a strange set up to be travelling so much with a young baby. Will there be health insurance issues with you having a baby in a different country?
Is it just for the first year that you plan to be travelling so much?

@SleepingStandingUp
I am intending on living in my home country for max 1 year with several visits to the UK and husband visiting me! What is wrong with that? I need to please my husband's family? I am sure my own mum is equally excited about having me around and getting to know her grandchild. Before the child can talk we have moved back to the UK. Is it weird I want t speak my first language with my own child?