Fearful mother and sister in law will control my baby

[Mimosa20]

I'm currently in my second trimester with our first baby. I have not shared the news yet because I am not ready for my in-laws intense response. My sister in law is desperate for kids but is single and divorced and mil is desperate for grandkids. MIL does not have any hobbies and is depressed because she has non of her adult children at home anymore...(we live 20 minutes down the road usually but have been abroad for 1 year and returning next month!)

On our wedding day MIL commented; 'now you need to get kids because I WANT someone to take care of'. SIL is very cocky about being great with kids and can be very opinionated.

Neither MIL or SIL seem to have any appreciation that I have my side of the family with my own cultures and values. I have decided to give birth in my home country, not where my husband's family live. I am terrified how MIL and SIL will take the news. I am also fearing they will come with fifty million advice what to do and not do during pregnancy, come up with baby names or not respect I need my own personal space around the time of delivery. I am also planning on speaking my own language with my child which I think MIL and SIL won't respect.

My husband has said he is backing me up and is supportive, but sometimes I feel he says it to calm me down but end of the day he is so obsessed about his mum and sister that he will let them behave however they want.

@ineedaholidaynow
I hope my husband will travel more obviosuly. If I travel 2 times to the UK that year staying for 3 months...isn't it that a quite fair solution? Baby will be covered in both countries and I am thinking about its wellbeing.

@Mimosa20

It must be tough, we feel vulnerable when pregnant. Being closer to your mum will help. It will be hard to spend time away from hubby but he will travel often. It is the lot of all multinational families. His family telling you where your home is completely discarding your feelings so I would be careful as they will likely ‘offer’ all sorts of ‘friendly’ advice on how ‘you should’ raise your baby because they know better care.

Surely they can fly and visit the first year on top of your several visits like I’m sure your mum will have to visit once you come back to the UK?

@Mimosa20 my point is your moaning about all the bad stuff your in laws will do but they'll be in a different country to you for most of the pregnancy and at LEAST the first year of baby's life
They're hardly able to have an influence are they
You'll control how often you visit them so what access they get. You'll obviously speak your own language to baby, and that's very sensible whichever country you live in, but with no resident English speaking parent they're going to be a lot slower at picking up English if / when you move back to the UK (They'll have language before 1 even if it isn't speech) so again this will reduce the impact thry can have.

Thry can give advice and suggest names but everyone will do that, you just ignore it.

I do think it's weird to start the first year of your child's ife living in a different country to their Dad but that's for you pair to sort out and it's technically relevant to the thread.

Just sounds like a massive over reaction on your behalf and more a justification for you to visit less / not tell them about the pregnancy for as long as possible. It is your husbands child toom. He should be able to share the news too and it's unclear if you're 12ish weeks so just starting to tell people or 20+ weeks and deliberately keeping it from them

I do think it's weird to start the first year of your child's ife living in a different country to their Dad but that's for you pair to sort out and it's technically relevant to the thread.

A lot of expat’s children move around all the time. OP said her husband could move to her country but chose not to because of his parents so it’s his choice really and he is supportive of her going so what is weird about it if it’s their joint decision?

I just think you are massively over-complicating things.
By living in a different country from your baby's father, you are making it more difficult for him to form a relationship with his child. And the only reason you give is that you DH will be in the same country as his mother and sister, who you clearly don't like. That's a strange reason for separating a father and child.

You talk about your MIL and SIL as being over powering, but you certainly don't seem a push over and I get the impression you would have no problem in exerting your boundaries / views in the face of theirs. Delivery your baby where you like, but let the child's father play a more active role in the first year of life.

@LittleWing80 I think it's a weird choice for a couple to make, it's fully on him too altho I do wodner if thry discussed this pre pregnancy or if op has suddenly announced she's going regardless of his opinion. Either way, it's a shared decision and I think it's an odd one to make with a newborn baby.

Pkus everything @DPotter said

OP, I had a baby this year with my DH in his country. I delivered our DS here but I totally understand why you would choose to return to your home country for that. You really don’t have to defend your decision towards anyone.

I don’t really have an advice for you, just want to offer you support. The only thing I want to share with you, is my experience of being post partum in a strange country. You are going to NEED help.
My husband went back to work after 2 weeks and I was completely alone until he returned from work. His parents literally never once helped us out and I think being so lonely massively contributed to developing PND. So yes, do state your boundaries but please remember their help might be very welcome after the birth!

Expat children move around - yes, but usually for reasons of parental employment not usually because their mother doesn't like MIL and SIL. Just seems strange and an over-reaction to me. I don't think you are thinking about this plan from the point of view of your child's well-being

@Honeybee85 op will presumably have her family, who ateast know about the baby

@sleepingstandingup

I mean after returning to the UK.
Even when babies get a bit older, it’s nice if there are people around you wanting to help!

Oh yes sorry, totally agree

When I was pregnant, my friend with a nearly 1 year old told me to keep a good relationship with my MIL because my friend told me because of her she was able to go out for a coffee/ pedicure etc sometimes during the day without baby. She also told me I would need this moments for myself. She was totally right about this and I didn’t realize how badly I needed them until after birth!

This all sounds over complicated and messy.

Very odd to move abroad to raise your baby for the first year away from your dh. Doesn’t he want to spend lots of time with the baby?

I don’t think I’ve known anyone who has done this. I know new mothers who have moved home abroad and stayed with their own parents for a few months. And also grandparents who have travelled from abroad to visit for extended periods.

But a year is an awfully long time to spend away from your home and your dh.

But putting that all aside you sound overly anxious about this considering your plans involve very very little time spend with the in-laws. So yabu as your fears are unwarranted given the information you’ve provided..

Congratulations! What fantastic news for you and your family and what a great way to bring up your child, lots of adventures travelling between countries... they will learn and appreciate so much of your family's culture.
I probably wouldn't return with DH for the trip to the flat, you don't need the risk of a DVT from a 9 hour journey so I would probably leave him to break the news to the in-laws on his own. Leave him to get all the attention he needs from them whilst your far far away from their craziness.
I also wouldnt leave it until 30 weeks to fly... I would be back in my home country at about 23/24 weeks. Your DH can visit you when he peels himself away from your in-laws.

We are intending on breaking the pregnancy news next week to everyone, not keeping it secret from my in-laws. I'm not that mean. My own mother is the only one who knows.

With regards to the travel. I would only live at home for the first few months after delivery, just to become confident. I would then live 3 months in the UK, 3 months abroad and then slowly return to work in the UK. I have so much more help at home than in the uk. In the UK there's only my husbnad's elderly parents who are not safe or appropriate babysitters. They will need to remain as not only but grandparents. The only in-law who could help is the SIL who lives 2 hours away. My friends are working and no one has children yet.

I also think the baby will get a very rich cultural life! I only hope my in-laws will respect that.

Besides being enthusiastic about the idea of children, and making mentions of the UK being your home, what have they done that makes them so bad that it's a driver behind your leaving the country?

Things aren't quite adding up to me if I'm honest. You say that you're husband would never leave the country whilst his parents are alive, which you say will be 15-20 years. If they are very elderly, sufficiently so that they couldn't babysit at all, then expecting them to be in good enough health to last that long doesn't make much sense.

In your parallel thread, your husband is asking you to show them some warmth. The fact that you will be 20 mins away and yet don't even want to pop in to see them with your husband speaks volumes. You say you aren't that familiar with them, but don't seem to want to further that relationship at all, despite that they will be closer family of your children.

I also think you are being very touchy on the whole 'home' thing. I'm not from where I grew up. Home is where you live, where your post gets delivered, where you retreat to after work. And it's very unusual for a married couple to not have the same home.

Yes, people say they are going home for Christmas etc to mean going back to their family, but that doesn't mean where they live isn't also home. I don't think your in laws mean any disrespect when referring to your home being the UK.

And re the language thing, reference to different cultures makes me think that your husband doesn't share your first language? Growing up bilingual is great, but honestly, if he doesn't speak much of the language and you are away for prolonged periods, that will effect their bond, so maybe you using both languages would be better.

I totally disagree with folk saying it's 'messy' and weird to stay in your home country after having the baby. Why? What's wrong with wanting to be in your home country and near your family after having given birth?

In this situation it's additionally logical as OP recognises that there are issues between her and her DH and she isn't sure how they are going to play out. I think it's totally disingenous for people to be so wide-eyed 'Oh you're living in a different country just because you don't get on with your MIL/SIL? - how many threads do we see on here where apron-strung men and their attitude to their family's interference have broken relationships, especially when a baby comes along?

If I were OP, and I were pregnant and not sure whether I'd be looking at separation a year from now if my DH ended up NOT changing from this:

end of the day he is so obsessed about his mum and sister that he will let them behave however they want.

... then I would be making damn sure I was NOT resident in the country I might not want to stay in with my baby until I knew how this was going to pan out. IL issues destroy marriages.

OP, your plan sounds good. I would absolutely stress though to make sure that you and your baby stay habitually resident in your home country until things are clearer between you and you can see how your DH ends up handling his family. I would definitely delay the transitioning to the UK a bit - visits yes, but make sure you are RESIDENT there not here so he cannot stop you going home with your baby if there are issues.

If your plan is a 3 month stint in each country during the first year, prior to returning to work I would suggest you spend the lead up time in the UK. You will be needing to arrange child care, and that will take time. In fact depending upon where you are planning to live you may find it wise to start investigating much earlier than you currently think. It will also give you time to link up with other mothers with babies of the same age. Think of it as networking - you can never have too many people in your support network.

Your plans do seems to be changing and I hope this thread has allowed you the space to think through options for your future. I would suggest you continue to sense check your plans, and not just with people who you know will agree with you.

That's the lead up time in returning to work.