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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC at Christmas - it’s crap, isn’t it?

43 replies

Thethiniceofanewday · 06/12/2019 23:14

I’m NC with my family for good reasons. But it makes Christmas really rubbish. All the ads with happy families, driving home for Christmas...makes me waver.

Could I ask you to remind me that the reasons haven’t changed just because of the season?

OP posts:
MissHemsworth · 06/12/2019 23:17

You have my sympathy OP. Do you have your own family? Partner, kids, in laws, friends that are family pets etc. If so just try to focus on them! Avoid social media at all costs! Stay strong, you went NC for a good reason I'm sure.

Original poster
Thethiniceofanewday · 06/12/2019 23:19

Thanks Miss H - sadly I don’t, maybe I’m just a dreadful misanthrope ! I have some plans to see friends and have my own little rituals for the day.

OP posts:
icanhearapindrop · 06/12/2019 23:20

I’m with you. All the other members of the family telling us their plans with NC people, expecting us to move on ‘because it’s Christmas’, and all the friends expecting we will be spending Christmas with family. It’s really hard. Stay strong, but you have every sympathy.

user764329056 · 06/12/2019 23:22

Am with you OP, am NC with mother and 1 sibling, feelings bubble to the surface and stay there at this time of year, it’s crap, I understand

Chilledout11 · 06/12/2019 23:23

It's awful. I have my reasons to be nc buy I don't like how I feel.

Original poster
Thethiniceofanewday · 06/12/2019 23:38

It’s not easy, is it. So much social pressure!

OP posts:
DeckTheHalls2019 · 07/12/2019 00:25

I can relate somewhat as there are aspects of being NC that make me feel sad but the reality is that I dreaded Christmas time (and every other visit throughout the year) when we were in contact.

I don't have to think too hard to remember how I was treated and how it made me feel. Comparing then to now soon puts a stop to any wobbles I might be having.

Original poster
Thethiniceofanewday · 07/12/2019 06:22

Now why didn’t I think to do that! Confused as problems at Christmas was one of the final straws. I don’t like to dwell but I can take a minute to remind myself.

OP posts:
Tinselette1940 · 07/12/2019 06:28

Flowers OP. Unfortunately I'm NC too although they live thousands of miles away so psychologically that makes it easier, I think. You enjoy your Christmas rituals and have a good one.

DeckTheHalls2019 · 07/12/2019 06:33

I still like the cheesy adverts though Smile

SnuggyBuggy · 07/12/2019 06:39

Remember it's a myth that Christmas is this magical thing that makes family relationships better. That's just for the films.

Comps83 · 07/12/2019 06:55

I’m with you. Nc with DM . Not only is it Xmas. But her first and what will probably be her only gc is due Xmas day. Her brother is also nc with her and it’s really come to a head this year with my 89 gm who is the only person still talking to her so is taking all her poison and getting frustrated with the rest of us who aren’t . Keep having to remind myself that nothing has changed. And that even a gc on the way isn’t as important to her than the drink .

NoMoreWeepingAndWanking · 07/12/2019 07:03

Can i suggest pairing up with someone else in a tough situation this Christmas? I am mid divorce and dreading the season. If i were childless for the first time or had my children but no adult company is be so very glad of a friend to spend the day with. Add it is i have too grit my teeth and co parent but i can easily see in other situations how nice it would be to share the day with somebody else not doing the family Christmas thing

DeckTheHalls2019 · 07/12/2019 07:04

magical thing that makes family relationships better - Exactly, if someone hates you at Easter and Halloween they're still going to hate you at Christmas.

I've made my peace with it.

lilsquish · 07/12/2019 07:09

yip :(

I'm NC with my sister (and ultimately don't see my nephew due to this) my parents took sides which has resulted in LC with them (strained and upsetting)

it sucks all year round, and Christmas makes the hurt more palpable.

despite it being over 3yrs now, it hasn't got any easier.

I hope you can find some peace and enjoy your Christmas OP and everyone else who is feeling this Flowers

Beautiful3 · 07/12/2019 07:16

I know how you feel. It's a miserable feeling isnt it. I'm in a similar situation, so know how it feels. Missing out on the contact of their children & family feels sad. But if you reestablish communication, it will go back to the toxic relationship you once had.

Busybeebeebee · 07/12/2019 07:28

My husband and I have been NC with his siblings for over a year now. I did say to him the other night should we be the bigger people and move on, but he reminded me of why we are NC and it entirely made me remember the issue is with them, not us.

dottydolly72 · 07/12/2019 07:35

I spent years NC with my family, it felt empty and lonely and I hated seeing tv adverts of wonderful idyllic families at Christmas! I decided to volunteer at a shelter, help people who really did need a warm bed and some food. My time was appreciated and it really made me realise the real spirit of Christmas.

Roselilly36 · 07/12/2019 07:45

I have bn NC with my mum for 10 yrs+, it does get easier with time, I never think about her, I don’t wish her harm, I have no regrets.

Going NC with what should be a close family member, is never a decision taken lightly and always done for good reason.

Remember the reasons that made you became NC, surely you don’t want more of that in your life, leopards don’t change they spots sadly OP. You will get through it, once Xmas day is over things will return to normal. Wishing you well OP.

NoMoreWeepingAndWanking · 07/12/2019 07:58

Sorry for hideous typos. Hopeful you can translate!

Newschapter · 07/12/2019 08:11

This is my first Christmas after going NC with my abusive father.

As a result of the fallout, my brother, his wife and adult children have cut contact with me and a number of our siblings.

Father has also had a significant birthday during the past months and although I found that day difficult I just keep reminding myself what he's like.

In my case there is a history of abuse which he denies. And at this stage even if he admitted and acknowledged it, it would be far too little, too late.

Mine is so messed up I could write a novel on this post, but suffice to say it isn't good for my mental health to dwell too much on what might have been.

When my resolve weakens I remind myself how much he cared for me (not a jot) and how much he loved me (even less) and that I am sure he isn't sitting at home dwelling on th no contact - he is too busy twisting the truth to suit his own narcissistic agenda.

Newschapter · 07/12/2019 08:13

To clarify - all siblings have cut contact with our father, as well as the brother who has also cut me off.

loutypips · 07/12/2019 08:40

Christmas is just another day- albeit with some tv specials and loads of repeats.
It can also be a day of arguments and trouble when families spend more time together than at any other time of year! My ex was a copper and hated working Xmas day as most of the calls would be domestics.
We are fed an image of how the day should be perfect, but that's not real life. Those perfect families are actors and are playing a part.

Do what you want on Xmas day. Stay in your pjs, eat the food you want and have a relaxing day. You'll be fine.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2019 08:44

@Newschapter - It is my 1st year NC with my father too, I'm looking forward to a drama free Christmas! Bitter sweet.

lowwintersun · 07/12/2019 09:25

For me, nc/low low contact makes me obsess a bit about what I don't have. I think gratitude is potentially an antidote to that way of thinking. Christmas and NY make it worse for sure. I had a difficult telephone convo yesterday with an aunt who is jealous I spoke to and am seeing another aunt. It reminded me of the dread/feelings of confusion and injustice that mad family relationships bring. It was all on her but I felt shit. Wish it were different for me and you. Head high/chin up op. It's undoubtedly tough x