NC at Christmas - it’s crap, isn’t it?

[Thethiniceofanewday]

I’m NC with my family for good reasons. But it makes Christmas really rubbish. All the ads with happy families, driving home for Christmas...makes me waver.

Could I ask you to remind me that the reasons haven’t changed just because of the season?

Sorry for everyone struggling with this issue.
My brother and his wife are NC with us. They are also NC with my other two siblings and families and all of her family. There is nothing I can do about it. It's being like this for years but it still makes me sad both for myself and for my parents.

@HowlsMovingBungalow, yes, bittersweet is the correct word.

I wish things had've been different. I wish my father had been a proper father, but I am glad that at the grand age of 41 I was finally able to walk away, say enough is enough.

It's a shame there was a whole family fallout, but that's not my fault, just as his abuse of me and my siblings wasn't our fault.

I've had counselling and can see this is what I needed to do for my own peace of mind and for my children.

We didn't usually have him on Christmas day, it would have been boxing day, but that won't happen this year. He usually went to my sister's on Christmas day, again that's not happening this year.

He's so manipulative I am sure he will find a table somewhere to put his feet under.

Christmas usually makes the tensions worse, even families who get on tend to fall out more so it’s not a time to try and cope with arsehole relatives
I get that it’s hard when you see all these happy families together but that’s just on the surface, a lot of them will be wishing they were elsewhere. Dd said to me that sometimes she wishes we could spend more time with family so I asked her did she want to spend time with the Racists who get drunk and shout abuse at us or the selfish ones who kick off if you dare to say “no” to them? She agreed that it’s better the way things are!
Plus I don’t have to buy as many presents !!

I agree with pp who mentioned gratitude being an antidote. I try not to give much headspace to those I am nc with as I know I had valid reasons and instead I focus on what I do have and how good it is - the good grows when you focus on it. Many times over the years I've written a list of all the wonderful people and things in my life and it never fails to uplift me.

It is bittersweet. I had my first NC Xmas last year and it was a bit weird to do things differently. But what got me through was comparing it to years before and the horrible fallout of Xmas and letting my guard down around ex-family. This year, I'm pretty chilled about it because in context (a couple of weeks run-up and a couple of days of indulgence) was not worth the other 11 months of fucking misery by being around toxic behaviour.

So I think it's good to feel sad and grieve a little for the sort of Xmas you would have loved to have - one that reflected a lovely and loving family dynamic 365 days of the year. But to also be clear-eyed that in the sorts of situations that lead to no contact, Xmas is only ever a short sticking plaster.

Do you have a husband/partner/children. If you do appreciate them and make your own fun. Or as someone upthread said volunteer at a soup kitchen. There are always people who are worse off than yourself.

Or just stay in. Have a relaxing home spa day with a film/box set marathon and treat yourself to some nice picky foods and thank yourself for not having to put yourself through all the rubbish that comes with being in contact with your family.

And make a list of all the things you want to achieve in the new year.

Well I can sympathise. I'm NC with the abusive tossers known as PatriNarc and my own narc mother. Its unusual for narcs to remain together as the fuel/energy they get from each other is limited. However, theirs is a marriage of convenience. PN has cheated on her for decades and if they believe that they've pulled the wool over my eyes concerning who the father of my alcoholic brother is, I say, think again! (Probably the milkman).

Anyway, congratulations on the NC. Now I ask, is it robust and solid?

Oh and I dont really hold with NY resolutions but a Corker came my way the other day.

Get a jar, a pen and post it notes. Every good thing that happens to you, write it down and put it in the jar. Then open it NYE 2020.

Here's a thought. Buy a lovely glass jar and glass paints. Maybe decorate it at xmas. But use glitter too. Plenty of glitter.

for you because I know it's hard x

I'm doing this. You up for it? We can refind this thread and post our endeavours?

For everyone feeling a bit sad, it can be a tough time.

Family disown me due to sexual abuse coming out from 20 years ago!

In complete denial!

So NC not by choice!

Family disown me due to sexual abuse coming out from 20 years ago

I know it is more easy to say than do but Sod Them.

Make a new life for yourself and look forward to a future with people surrounded by people who want you there and have your best interests at heart

Thank you everyone for solidarity and ideas and to those who have shared their reasons - I hope you are healing now

Oliver and 75 those are great ideas - also Peanut , I think I shall write a gratitude list over the holidays.

How is everyone doing? I put the tree up yesterday and it's starting to feel Christmassy now, it got me thinking about those who won't be sharing time with us again this year, a strange mix of sadness and relief.

I'm so with you on this!! Currently in the process on going NC with dad and mum has passed away. Luckily I have young twins to concentrate on now but the thoughts still creep in regularly. Thinking of you OP and hope you have a lovely Christmas xx

I'm NC with my parents and have been for a few years now. One year I spent Christmas alone as my brother went to spend it with them. Sad as it was that he went to theirs it was his choice (It later turned out they were arseholes to him. His OH told me they were awful but that's another story)

That year I spent by myself was actually pretty good. Late rise and some baking before I went out for a hike. Came back to cakes, a hot shower and movies. Bliss.

The way they treated my brother is another reason why I'm glad I'm NC. They don't deserve my love, thoughts or anything for that matter. Focus on the people that do make you happy and if people are away, etc on Christmas just have a massive pamper day.

First Christmas NC with exP and his family. The hard part will be him having the DC on the day itself. But as its the first year for me it's fresh for me to remember how he ruined every Christmas anyway. Those idyllic families on the TV bare no resemblance to us at Christmas. I had to plaster a smile on my face for the kids anyway.

I love the idea of volunteering on the day a PP mentioned! I might look into that though might be a bit late now.

Love to anyone struggling with NC this Christmas x

I understand this. We're NC with DH family, while it doesnt bother me ad much as I never got on with them (boundary issues, causing silly dramas) I know it is bothering DH. Like Pp said, avoid social media, maybe keep music channels on so u dont see many ads, and focus on what you have got and the people who care about you. Also remind yourself how your life is clearer now they areng in it. Here's some

My whole father side, cut contact due to informing them my father was paedophile!

My mum side well they all dead accept my cousin who lives in America who cut contact after his mum died, strange one that!

My sister who has NC my mum due to her friend son being paedophile, mum doesn't see how this affects us,

Then there me single at home with mum who I clash with a lot, but guilty for leaving her alone on Christmas and know she go to this friends house if I wasn't there?

So hmmmmm