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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's done it again, stayed out all night with not so much as a text or call....

68 replies

Appreciateyourthoughts · 06/12/2019 15:07

Just that really,
I know you'll tell me to LTB and I really should, but I suppose I'm weak and pathetic!
We've worked so hard to get our relationship back on track and it's been in a great place, except for a little hiccup a few weeks ago.
How can he do that! Risk our entire relationship by not contacting me or coming home last night when he knows how much it hurts and worries me 😢 We are supposed to be flying to Tenerife on Monday, I feel such a fool to allow this to happen again ... Sorry for the rant, just feel at breaking point! 💔

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 06/12/2019 19:02

Sorry i agree with the STI test.

The chance of this behaviour changing are slim to none so you're going to either have to get used to it or end the relationship.

AgentJohnson · 06/12/2019 19:18

How can he do that! Risk our entire relationship by not contacting me or coming home last night when he knows how much it hurts and worries me

If you won’t LTB then he isn’t risking anything. The ball’s in your court and not his.

Original poster
Appreciateyourthoughts · 06/12/2019 20:11

Thank you everyone,
I know exactly what I need to do & I knew exactly what you'd all say... I suppose I just needed to hear it all AGAIN!! ... It's so hard isn't it though, to know your whole life is about to change because you are leaving a relationship. I worry more about how hurt my children are going to be as they love him dearly and he is the only person I have ever been with since I split with their father 3+ years ago.... I have blocked him, kept the key in the door today from the inside so he can't get in (he does not have a back door key) ... I've had a letter pushed through the door, him apologising, how much he loves me, where he was, blah blah blah .... He does have a drink problem! (Never around me or the children) but his pattern of disappearing on the drink and what people say about him and his past points to that. Everyone says I deserve better, but I don't think I'm above ANYONE so have never taken any notice of that.
I had an STI test done 2 months ago. It was clear. I'll get another one done soon 😢

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 06/12/2019 20:46

How can he do that! Risk our entire relationship by not contacting me or coming home last night when he knows how much it hurts and worries me.

Because, OP, he is an alcoholic. in your thread a few weeks ago, you said that you come second to his alcohol. He regularly goes on 12 hour benders with no communication, and is then hungover, moody and useless for 2 days after.

He will not stop until he hits rock bottom and wants to stop. You cannot control his behavior, only your own. If you stay, you need to be involved with AlAnon. I have to ask, though, why you would continue to expose your boys (and yourself) to the damaging effects of an alcoholic home?

MsDogLady · 06/12/2019 20:48

In your thread

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2019 20:52

He doesn't want to change. He only wants to work out exactly how much crap you'll take. None should be the answer.

Cheeseboardcriminal · 06/12/2019 20:53

Does he take cocaine? Would explain the all night benders.

He will carry on doing because he knows that you will kick off briefly then brush it under the carpet. He knows you don't mean the ultimatum.

Original poster
Appreciateyourthoughts · 06/12/2019 21:13

@Cheeseboardcriminal I'm very naive when it comes to drug use. I joined the armed forces at 16 so skipped all that. He says he does not do drugs but the more I read on here (my previous post mostly) the more I think maybe he's lied to me when I asked him. Maybe that's why he doesn't come home so I don't see him like that!

I am going to end this. I'm just terrified of ruining my children's Christmas by doing it right now 😔 ... I'm not a very strong person as you can tell, this is why I let him walk all over me time and time again I guess!

OP posts:
Cheeseboardcriminal · 06/12/2019 21:19

I have been there, it always seems the wrong time to end it. Honestly though the sooner the better yes the first few weeks will be difficult but you won't regret it.

EKGEMS · 06/12/2019 21:48

So here's your choice: "ruin" Christmas by dumping your alcoholic pseudo partner and piss poor father figure for your two impressionable kids or raise your standards and show your children how a responsible adult functions

BMW6 · 06/12/2019 21:58

There is no good time to call it a day OP. Have a lovely Xmas concentrating on your DC, and look forward to a New Year, New You.

BMW6 · 06/12/2019 22:00

Everyone says I deserve better

Everyone is right.

Original poster
Appreciateyourthoughts · 07/12/2019 07:21

@MsDogLady my boys are never exposed to anything. They have never seen him intoxicated. I don't allow alcohol in my house, unless they are with their father. (I hardly drink) and we don't argue. The only thing they do see is him away from home every so often, which I cover up by saying he's working.
I'm by no means saying this is right, but I've done my absolute best to protect my children from this.

I've woke up to an email from him asking me "not to ruin this as we've been so lovely the past few weeks" ... ME ruin it!! What a cheek! I'm working today so I'll be leaving the key in the door and keeping him blocked!
Once I know what I'm doing I will be ending it with him. Regardless of the holiday on Monday. I'm going to take my children.

OP posts:
ForeverFaff · 07/12/2019 07:27

Wow. He finds texting very easy when it's his comfort at stake!

Please stay strong op. If you take him back twice, he'll know he has total power over you and will get worse.

Comps83 · 07/12/2019 07:35

The cheeky bastard
Where is his passport? Ignore him all weekend and go to the airport without him . Hopefully he won’t turn up . Much better off without him

Goldenchildsmum · 07/12/2019 07:53

You ask how he can do this. I'd say he can do this because he absolutely knows he'll be able to get away with it by guilting and gaslighting you.

Your choice is to decide whether to allow and empower him

DBML · 07/12/2019 07:57

Aw, you poor thing! Remember it’s not you who has ‘ruined’ things...it’s him. He’s to blame and only him.

You DO deserve better. Anyone does.

JigglyRafferty · 07/12/2019 08:09

aww OP I feel for you. I have a DS and me and my DH have had a rough patch recently and I was thinking about divorce. The thought of my DS growing up with out his Dad broke me. I couldn’t stop crying. Along with it being so close to Christmas. It’s horrible. Truly horrible.

This is shit for you and Christmas will be sad for you but you’ll be able to hide that for your kids sake. Focus on this time next year, you won’t be dependent on a man who can’t put you and your kids before the booze. You’ll be free and he’ll be your ex. Christmas will be much better. You won’t be struggling to sleep wondering where he is and if he’s going to come home.

redcarbluecar · 07/12/2019 08:18

OP I think you sound hard on yourself. Even little things like calling yourself ‘naive’ for not knowing much about drugs. To me you DO sound like a strong person. You’re in a difficult situation with all sorts of conflicting emotions, trying to hold a family together and do what’s best for everyone. It’s sad that in the midst of this is a partner who doesn’t treat you as you deserve and, I suspect, chips at your self esteem to minimise his own behaviour. Whatever happens next, I hope you can find ways to believe in yourself. I wish you well.

Elieza · 07/12/2019 10:06

I’m soft too OP. To be honest I’d be thinking about the kids and the holiday and Christmas they have all been looking forward to. Id not want to spoil it for them.

Does he usually behave appropriately in front of the kids on holiday? Not drunk? Gives them a good time? If so I’d prob let him come on the understanding that it’s all about the kids and you and me are done because of your behaviour.

If not I’d take the kids myself and he can fuck right off. Same with Christmas. I’d prob try and keep it good for them.

I’d dump his ass either now or tell him I’m considering what to do and will make up my mind after holidays and Christmas. And say he has to see his kids and make the effort not to spoil this magical time of year for them.

If he has access to the household money in a joint account or whatever I’d also split up the finances now so he doesn’t blow the housekeeping on lavish gifts for you and ridiculously expensive outings on holiday to try and persuade you to stay as he’s a good guy. Meanwhile you return home to debt. You need to keep every penny you can because you may be running two houses between the two of you.

Hidingtonothing · 07/12/2019 12:49

You can do this OP, even when you think you can't. You deserve to be happy and you never will be with him, he's not capable of giving you that, however much you (and even he probably) want him to be. It's sad and will mean some changes and upheaval for you and DC but it will be relatively short term pain compared to more years spent waiting for the next time and repairing the damage when he fucks up again. You're worth more than that Flowers

Techway · 07/12/2019 13:33

This is still a relatively new relationship, if around 3 years, and it takes at least 2 years to know someone and I guess his poor behaviour has been going on for quite a while.

Your children will be fine. They will benefit more from having a stress free mum.

Original poster
Appreciateyourthoughts · 08/12/2019 13:42

I've ended it! It was horrible, heated, nasty! He called me awful names. He took all the holiday details with him. Can he cancel it? I'm down as lead passenger

OP posts:
Comps83 · 08/12/2019 13:45

Congratulation!
I’m not sure where you stand with the holiday if he paid for it . How did he pay?

Lexplorer · 08/12/2019 13:48

Well done op. Just remember those horrible names when he tries to make it up again. Stay strong.

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