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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So fed up and need advice if this is the “norm”

41 replies

Darklava09 · 06/12/2019 08:09

I’m feeling really low at the moment and there are so many factors including my relationship.

We met when we were both young and been together over a decade and have 1DS.

There have always been issues in our relationship but minor in comparison. Anywhoo, I’m at my wits end with him and am close to ending things.

My reasons are

  • he makes no interest in wanting to do anything as a family or occasions. Will quite happily sit in all day watching football or his phone
  • doesn’t call or text me throughout the day and I always call a few times throughout the day. If he doesn’t he says he been busy.
  • will never do anything without me asking first I.e can you do the bins, mow the grass, put washing on. And then says I nag. But, I’m of the view I work full time too and equality these days means housework shouldn’t be down to women only
  • he had a shit paid job so means he earns less than me. However, will minimally contribute towards things. Yet I’ve been left to buy his family presents both birthday and Xmas. He doesn’t offer he just expects me
To get them. He’s barely given me anything towards DS Xmas presents.
  • he’s racking up debt on credit cards and doesn’t see why I’m annoyed by this. It’s over £2k and counting
  • his family are overbearing and he allows them to make comments on our life and parenting and is constantly ruled by them and rarely backs me up
  • doesn’t get on well sometimes with DS... literally rubs him up the wrong way often as a joke but causes riffs between them
-I pay for all holidays and have treated him for his bday to a big holiday and he shows no excitement
  • he barely shows emotions so you don’t know how he feels
  • he moans I haven’t been intimate or close to him in a few months but I’ve just recently had surgery and been diagnosed with a condition.
  • will only make changes about our relationship if I moan about them.

Now I don’t know if I’m touchy because it's Xmas and I’m stressed because of
Money and knowing I have to see his family a lot over the festive period.
When I’ve mentioned it to my MIL she will say “ oh that’s what all men are like”

Is she for real? Is this true because....Hmm

There are positive aspects to our relationship and we can have such a good bond and connection and often have periods where we get on really well. We seem to dip every couple months.
He will help out with childcare and some chores.

I often don’t know if it’s my emotions that makes me less tolerable
Or if I have a valid point with said above and if so what to do if I keep
Mentioning it and he doesn’t agree with what I’ve said?

OP posts:
AdaColeman · 06/12/2019 08:16

Are you married? What’s your housing situation, rented, buying?
He sounds like an albatross around your neck!

RexDangerVest · 06/12/2019 08:19

Well... I'd say dump him but I know it's easier said than done! Don't waste energy on trying to change him though, focus on you & your son.

Queenoftheashes · 06/12/2019 08:21

Nah he sounds useless

Beanybop · 06/12/2019 08:22

If you’re fed up then no it’s not the norm. MIL’s opinions are outdated, you don’t have to put up with a shit partner and a shit life.

Original poster
Darklava09 · 06/12/2019 08:23

Not married, bought house together... he wouldn’t go though and if so not straight away so would have to endure him.

I feel so bad for saying this because I want it to work between us so bad but despite this I don’t think he cares anymore.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 06/12/2019 08:25

Gosh what a list of utter shit!

No that is not normal at all.

You’d be much better off without him, he sounds absolutely dreadful.

Mamia15 · 06/12/2019 08:26

You can't make him care.

Sandals19 · 06/12/2019 08:28

I'm not sure why you want it to work so badly, he sounds useless and shit in so many ways.

Is it because he's a habit/fixture from so young..

Original poster
Darklava09 · 06/12/2019 08:31

Probably and because I don’t want my son to be effected by is separating. I think that’s a big one for me coming from a broken family.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 06/12/2019 08:32

That is normal for a soul destroying bad relationship.

Seahorseshoe · 06/12/2019 08:33

Honestly, imagine having these thoughts in 20-30 years time? You will feel so resentful, like you've wasted your life.

Hadalifeonce · 06/12/2019 08:35

No, it's not normal. Change the things you can. Don't buy presents for his family; I stopped doing this last year for DH, as his sisters sometimes forgot to buy for our DCs, or just gave them money when we saw them, often months later (we don't live very close by). Apart from PIL, I have never received so much as a card. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he doesn't, but the world hasn't ended. Maybe you should stop doing his washing or cooking for him..

madeyemoodysmum · 06/12/2019 08:36

Your young and people grow apart. If you really want more from life then leave or get him to leave. I can’t see him changing.

LividLaughLove · 06/12/2019 08:37

It’s the norm for YOU.

I can promise you life can be so much better without him.

PlanDeRaccordement · 06/12/2019 08:37

In my opinion, staying in a bad relationship is worse than separating for impact on children. Especially sons. Your relationship is the model he will see and emulate for how to treat a woman. Do you want a DIL to live as you do?

Dacquoise · 06/12/2019 08:38

It sounds like he has checked out of the relationship and it may have run its course for you. This isn't what it should be like. Constant frustration and inequality isn't what you signed up for and you don't have to accept it despite what your MIL says. Your feelings are telling you this so don't dismiss them or allow others to persuade you they are wrong.

Your choices are to try to salvage it through counselling, which may be a good option to start with as part of the process of separating from him. Or you may need to use your energies to work out how you can separate and what you need to do to achieve this i.e. do you need to sell up, what can you afford and splitting your finances to take into account your child?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 06/12/2019 08:39

He's taking the piss big time.

Stop doing his washing, stop cooking his dinner, stop buying presents for his family.

If you insist on staying with him, sit down and sort out your finances so you're both paying a fair share.

The thing about winding DS suggests to me that he needs to grow up and think he's still a kid.

lostlondoner · 06/12/2019 08:41

He sounds depressed to me. Would he go speak to someone? Could you both? It sounds as if you don't want to split up with him really. But no his behaviour is not normal.

Original poster
Darklava09 · 06/12/2019 08:43

I have started saying no to presents and starting to vocalise my feelings.
All I ever see off some people is oh men don’t do anything, men never clean but if this was the case then every women on earth would be pissed off.

We did counselling 4 years ago and it worked well. Maybe we should see if it can salvage what’s left.

It’s getring to a point now where I don’t care. I don’t care about getting him anything or trying to be nice as it gets me no where. In turn makes him feel “unloved”

OP posts:
Original poster
Darklava09 · 06/12/2019 08:44

He won’t go and speak to anyone. I think he’s depressed as he takes no interest in the things he used to do. I feel he is but he refuses to go and speak to anyone.

OP posts:
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 06/12/2019 08:49

Not normal at all....sounds soul destroying. Personally I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that. As for 'men never clean' - mine does. And does stuff without asking. My ex didn't, which is why he's the ex.

Babdoc · 06/12/2019 08:49

OP, I notice you say he will “help out” with childcare and chores.
You mean he sees all of that as your responsibility, and he will graciously “help” you occasionally?
Bugger that! He’s a parent, the child is half his. So is half the childcare. He lives in the house, he generates washing, dishes and mess, and therefore half the chores are his too.
As for finances - if he is running up credit card debt that you don’t approve, you should separate your finances completely.
I honestly can’t see what this useless chap actually contributes to your life or happiness, OP. And no, most relationships are not like this. If they were, the divorce rate would be even higher.

Dery · 06/12/2019 08:50

Your MIL’s comments are the clue: seems like your DP was raised in the same dynamic he is now creating with you. I wouldn’t judge things by whether or not he’s in contact during the day while you’re apart - that seems unnecessary when you live together - but the other stuff is very disappointing and verging on abusive (if not actually abusive). A lot of posters who grew up with unhappy parents will tell you they wish their parents had split up so you shouldn’t stay together at all costs - your DS won’t thank you. And you don’t want him to grow up thinking that this is normal and reproducing the cycle himself. Worry about what really matters - the long-term well-being of you and your DS. It sounds like you and your DS are better off away from him to be honest.

StormBaby · 06/12/2019 08:55

He is this way because his mum and dad made him this way, I imagine you're replicating their relationship, your DS will do the same. My ex h was like this, I was just bottom of his list of priorities, under football, his mates, the pub. I was miserable. I was in charge of the entire running of the home whilst studying and working fulltime. We never had sex. We split amicably 9 years ago and the kids have been much happier since.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 06/12/2019 09:03

That's totally understandable, when you're enduring that sort of treatment!

Certainly don't buy his family presents. Also don't buy him treats - and if he asks just say "oh, you never seemed that bothered so I decided not to."

Best case scenario, he decides to grow up and fight to be a decent partner. If not, you know where you stand.