So fed up and need advice if this is the “norm”

[Darklava09]

I’m feeling really low at the moment and there are so many factors including my relationship.

We met when we were both young and been together over a decade and have 1DS.

There have always been issues in our relationship but minor in comparison. Anywhoo, I’m at my wits end with him and am close to ending things.

My reasons are

• he makes no interest in wanting to do anything as a family or occasions. Will quite happily sit in all day watching football or his phone
• doesn’t call or text me throughout the day and I always call a few times throughout the day. If he doesn’t he says he been busy.
• will never do anything without me asking first I.e can you do the bins, mow the grass, put washing on. And then says I nag. But, I’m of the view I work full time too and equality these days means housework shouldn’t be down to women only
• he had a shit paid job so means he earns less than me. However, will minimally contribute towards things. Yet I’ve been left to buy his family presents both birthday and Xmas. He doesn’t offer he just expects me

To get them. He’s barely given me anything towards DS Xmas presents.

• he’s racking up debt on credit cards and doesn’t see why I’m annoyed by this. It’s over £2k and counting
• his family are overbearing and he allows them to make comments on our life and parenting and is constantly ruled by them and rarely backs me up
• doesn’t get on well sometimes with DS... literally rubs him up the wrong way often as a joke but causes riffs between them

-I pay for all holidays and have treated him for his bday to a big holiday and he shows no excitement

• he barely shows emotions so you don’t know how he feels
• he moans I haven’t been intimate or close to him in a few months but I’ve just recently had surgery and been diagnosed with a condition.
• will only make changes about our relationship if I moan about them.

Now I don’t know if I’m touchy because it's Xmas and I’m stressed because of
Money and knowing I have to see his family a lot over the festive period.
When I’ve mentioned it to my MIL she will say “ oh that’s what all men are like”

Is she for real? Is this true because....

There are positive aspects to our relationship and we can have such a good bond and connection and often have periods where we get on really well. We seem to dip every couple months.
He will help out with childcare and some chores.

I often don’t know if it’s my emotions that makes me less tolerable
Or if I have a valid point with said above and if so what to do if I keep
Mentioning it and he doesn’t agree with what I’ve said?

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

Your son will be far more affected by the two of you staying together and teaching him damaging lessons on relationships than you actually separating. This is really a loveless relationship; you want this to be his norm too?.

This unit is already busted; its like a broken plate because although the cracks have been glued somewhat and you tried counselling previously you can still see them shining through.

No this is not what men are like, this is what your man is like partly because his parents made him that way too. You have also enabled him to carry on as he has done. He is an emotionally stunted manchild and lazy with it too. He is no decent role model to his son.

Make the break and sooner rather than later, your son will also thank you for doing that. What is the situation re the property and finances?.

PS - his MIL was probably just replicating what she grew up with also. Time to break the cycle!

Of course men clean - the army have been getting men to clean quite effectively for centuries. He's just choosing not to. Or he sees it as your job. Or both.

He's not 'helping you out' with childcare - he's doing a small fraction of his share of the childcare, and you're helping him out with the rest of his share.

You both work FT? I would start to assume he's going to do half the childcare and housework. Split the chores in half and tell him that certain things are his jobs now - choose stuff he can't ignore, like cooking. If he doesn't, just do yours and DS's. You'll probably end up in an argument with him about it, so get him to explain why he thinks you should do more housework than him.

If he's used to 'helping out' with childcare, leave him to do it more. Make bed/bathtimes his responsibility, or split he weekend into one day for him and one day for you.

Forgot to add - stop doing wifework for him. If he wants to send presents/cards to his family, he can do it himself.

And work out what half of the bills are - if he doesn't contribute appropriately, he can't afford to live there. Perhaps you could pay one of his bills instead of his xmas present?

Op sounds dreadful. Perhaps you need to make a list of what positive that you get out of this relationship except a father for your son, and he doesn't sound great at that.

I think if you have dine counselling 4 years ago, stop flogging a dead horse. There are others out there who deserve you more than him

He's lazy. His parents started it and you're facilitating.
The child and house are his just as much as yours, so he should be 'doing' not 'helping'.
Stop allowing him to behave like a child.

You've just described my ex husband. I had 10 years of it and could take no more. I am living in hope that it isn't normal....

But I do tbf say to him I’m stopping doing your washing and I refuse to put his clothes away now.

I just say to him you wonder why I’m miserable when I have to constantly ask you to do everything because you won’t unless I ask first.

I said to him the other night you don’t care and he sits in silence. He had an issue with me last week as he said it don’t feels like you love me. I wonder why!!

Just go out and live your own life, meet friends, do nice things for yourself etc and certainly don't do his washing. He sounds like a dodgy flatmate not a partner. He is not making you happy, do you want it to work for the sake of making it work or because you really love him?

Also, he doesn't have to agree that things aren't working, from his perspective things might be fine, he is ok with this minimum effort relationship. You don't need his agreement to be unhappy

Definitely not normal. He’s opposed out of most parts of his life.
I know it’s hard but I’d be tempted to tell him you’re giving it a year. In that time he needs to explore and find out why he has no appetite for life, and then I’d be prepared to look at the future.
You can emphasise that it’s not just about you, it’s about his quality of life too, but that you’re not prepared to put up with it any longer.

Stop throwing your time, effort and money at this waste of space, that money you are wasting on gifts for his family and bringing him on holiday could be used to secure your son's future. How much have you wasted on presents that could be saved for a car, house deposit or education for your child? You are carrying this dead weight about in life, you pay more into the bills, you pay for family things, you treat him and all he can do is sit in silence when you try to get him to confirm that he feels anything at all for you.

You are a domestic appliance to this man, like a washing machine or dishwasher, just another household tool to make his life easier. He should not be "helping" with the DC or chores, they are his responsibility too.

I have a ex like him (apart from the poorly paid job side of things). Basically anything home related was my business. WTF.

He’s an ex for a reason. Sod that.

You deserve better. Write a list of kid care stuff that needs done and household chores. Divvy up. If you feel generous he can choose those he wants. Re presents for his family id just stop. I’d remind him but that’s it. Separate finances so you can’t be held responsible for his debts if he doesn’t pay. Encourage gp for antidepressants. Are there any possibilities of a better job for him? I’d encourage that too. He’s clearly not happy and his frustration at his own situation is spilling over into a lack of giving a shit about you and dcs. Not acceptable. I’d be out if there if he doesn’t improve. I’d be out even quicker if he doesn’t even make an effort.

If this man wasn't your dp but a house share would you expect to do most of the cleaning etc.
Just stop doing everything. Look after yourself and dc and if dp complains tell him he's adult enough to rack up debt so he should be adult enough to earn money, parent and clean.
I'd be tempted to cut his credit cards up while he's asleep.

He could get a better paid job. He is training up but he could start looking or even have it out with his boss as they are taking the piss.

Finances are separate... but him racking up debts will still have implications for me as he’d have to focus on paying that off rather than putting it towards his family.

I just feel really anxious. I have suggested we talk tonight because I can’t keep playing happy families.

I don’t think he will go and see the GP because he doesn’t feel depressed. He feels like I boss him around... but I said he doesn’t have to ask me to do x y and z because I know it needs doing and will
Take care of it whereas if I leave it he will just ignore it.
He only does the kitchen and living room. Anything else doesn’t exists. DS has a pile of laundry I haven’t got round to and he hasn’t once batted an eyelid.
I just feel like disappearing

Perhaps you need to say to him “you feel I boss you around but the problem is that there are chores round the house that need done and if I don’t boss you about or do them myself they don’t get done. How’s that fair? We are both tired. We are both working. Why is it only me that’s doing the majority of the household stuff that needs to be done or having to tell you when to do what. That’s not fair and I’m not prepared to put up with that. I’m not your mother I’m your partner. ie we are supposed to do things jointly. This is not the 1950s where the wife is expected to do all the housework. I work. That’s not happening. So do you think the fairest way is to split up the chores? Here is a list. All the ones in red are the ones I feel I am always doing. Do you see there are way more than the ones in blue writing which you generally do? So it’s only fair if you take some of the red ones on”.

Allocate and then provide guidance on how to do them AND how to know when they need to be done.

TBH I dont think it will work so you should tell him that if he doesn’t take his share you are leaving him as you’re not his mother or a domestic servant. And follow through. You can be happier without that millstone!