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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure I can tolerate his opinions anymore

40 replies

BlackEyedGirl · 22/08/2007 15:46

When I first got with DP I knew he wasnt exactly PC but his comments and attitudes are starting to wear a bit thin. We were at football with my son on saturday morning and one of the kids fouled another and DP whispered "That paki kid just fouled that other lad" and comments like this are coming more frequent with him.

If he see's a disabled person he will refer to them as a "spaker" or whatever they say or sometimes "spaz", asians are referrerd to as pakis or "rag heads", when I told him I was joining willow (group for batterered women but anyone can joing and do courses etc with them) he started going on about lesbian feminist man haters etc.

Its getting on my nerves, he insists that my friends husband is a paedophile and ofte jokes about their 8 year old daughter saying she's probably lost her virginity etc all ready as he daddy would have taught her everything and if he's hot he'll blurt out "god, I'm sweating like Michael Jackson at a playgroup". I was sexually abbused as a child so it offends me quite alot when I hear this, he doesnt know but I still feel he should have the sense to know that comments like this ARE likely to offend?

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 15:50

And what exactly do you do when he says these things?

WanderingTrolley · 22/08/2007 15:50

I don't know where to begin...

...wait, yes I do.

Leave him.

yorkshirepudding · 22/08/2007 15:51

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 22/08/2007 15:51

Why are you with this scumbag?

He finds it funny to joke about child sex abuse?

What a twat.

jalopy · 22/08/2007 15:51
Hmm
oliveoil · 22/08/2007 15:51

he sounds like an arsehole tbh

CountessDracula · 22/08/2007 15:51

Does he know you don't like him talking like an ignorant pig?

Saturn74 · 22/08/2007 15:52

You say you knew what he was like when you first got with him?

Did you really expect him to change?

If he's unintelligent enough to make these comments in the first place, I think you're going to have to admit that he's not intelligent enough to change.

So your choices are probably to put up with it, or split up with him.

FWIW, I wouldn't put up with it.

yorkshirepudding · 22/08/2007 15:54

Message withdrawn

12lbnaturally · 22/08/2007 16:08

BlackEyedGirl there isnt a lot you can do. Attitudes like the one your partner has have been instilled since childhood. Just make sure he doesnt instill them into your children...........my dp is very similar and anytime he makes an arrogant/ignorant remark in front of anyone I very publicly correct him and make him look the dick he is. Try that it might work.

Original poster
BlackEyedGirl · 22/08/2007 16:09

It;s not my first post on here, I have changed my name and no I'm not a troll.

I knew he wasn't PC but I didn't know he was racist, I certainly didnt expect him to start joking about sex abuse and battered women, disabled people and everyone else.

I told him that the child sex abuse thing really bothers me, the stuff about my friends daughter especially and he says he isn't doing it to be funny but he genuinly thinks her dad is a paedophile because he got with my friend when she was 14. I said this doesnt mean he is abusing his daughter and he said we would have to agree to disagree.

I told him that the sex abuse jokes (micheal jackson thing etc) really offends me and he said he admits it is in bad taste but doesnt see why I'm so offended by it, he says he will stop saying it "in front of me" which I assume means he will continue when I'm not there.

When he calls people "paki" etc I tell him I hate to hear that word and he replies with "soz mrs blair" or something similar, he voted for the national front a couple of years ago in local elections but said he only did it as a protest vote.

I can assure you I'm not a troll, was hoping people on here would at least take this stuff seriously. If not then forget I posted.

OP posts:
yorkshirepudding · 22/08/2007 16:13

Message withdrawn

Original poster
BlackEyedGirl · 22/08/2007 16:18

I dont think its acceptable but this doesnt seem to be the man I met, I'm having trouble believing that the end to my relationship could come about because my partner is a racist and jokes about sex abuse.

There is other stuff worrying me too but I'm feeling reluctant to post about it now.

OP posts:
lifebeginstoday · 22/08/2007 16:18

I couldn't cope with that. i can remember walking out of the In Law's house with DC when FIL made some derogatory remark about someone's race. I wouldn't have anyone forcing their bigotted views on innocent kids. It's disgraceful. And shows a huge lack of respect on your DP's part.

lifebeginstoday · 22/08/2007 16:18

Blackeyedgirl..why reluctant to post?

WigWamBam · 22/08/2007 16:20

He doesn't sound much of a catch. Racist, sexist, makes comments about child abuse and disability ... yep, sounds like a really attractive proposition. Not the kind of role model I would want around my children in your shoes.

And there's other stuff as well, which is presumably much worse or you wouldn't be reluctant to post.

Have a bit of self-respect and get rid.

Original poster
BlackEyedGirl · 22/08/2007 16:21

He doesn't tend to say this stuff around my children and even told my son off for refering to someone as being "black".

I'm reluctant because people think I'm a troll and this stuff is too sensitive to post and have people laugh at as if it is a big joke.

OP posts:
Hurlyburly · 22/08/2007 16:23

Do people change? I'd like to think that they do, but in reality that's just wishful thinking.

If you have a row about it, he will say that he will change. But he won't, you know.

What you see is what you will get. If you don't like his essential character - and who would blame you, he sounds repulsive - then perhaps you should leave.

Sorry to be harsh and uncompromising. It's the fact of hoping against hope that people may change that does ruin lives.

yorkshirepudding · 22/08/2007 16:23

Message withdrawn

Blu · 22/08/2007 16:23

He sounds very ignorant and insensitive.
It must be hard to know that you couldn't possibly tell him about the fact that you were abused because you couldn't trust him to deal with it in any respectful way at all. That being the case, it must throw the relationship into some doubt - can you really live with a man who can't be trusted with your vulnerablities?

Is your son his son?

Your membership of Willow is going to raise your awareness even more - you could attempt to re-educate him, but if he won't listen, I suspect that your relationship is going to get more and more threadbare.

Blu · 22/08/2007 16:25

Why are you called black-eyed girl? Have you got a black eye?

NAB3 · 22/08/2007 16:26

He is vile. Get out of there.

FioFio · 22/08/2007 16:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WigWamBam · 22/08/2007 16:28

We're not laughing. It's a sad fact that, because we sometimes get trolls making posts like this, some people get a bit twitchy about them. Don't let that stop you getting some support if you need it; for every person who will cry "troll" there are several who will listen and try to help.

Let us have the whole story and we can then offer the right kind of support, and maybe point you in the direction of other people who can help you.

Mercy · 22/08/2007 16:29

How long have you been together?

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