Not sure I can tolerate his opinions anymore

[BlackEyedGirl]

When I first got with DP I knew he wasnt exactly PC but his comments and attitudes are starting to wear a bit thin. We were at football with my son on saturday morning and one of the kids fouled another and DP whispered "That paki kid just fouled that other lad" and comments like this are coming more frequent with him.

If he see's a disabled person he will refer to them as a "spaker" or whatever they say or sometimes "spaz", asians are referrerd to as pakis or "rag heads", when I told him I was joining willow (group for batterered women but anyone can joing and do courses etc with them) he started going on about lesbian feminist man haters etc.

Its getting on my nerves, he insists that my friends husband is a paedophile and ofte jokes about their 8 year old daughter saying she's probably lost her virginity etc all ready as he daddy would have taught her everything and if he's hot he'll blurt out "god, I'm sweating like Michael Jackson at a playgroup". I was sexually abbused as a child so it offends me quite alot when I hear this, he doesnt know but I still feel he should have the sense to know that comments like this ARE likely to offend?

Do you love him and see your future with him even if he continues to express opinions of this nature?

If the answer to this is no, then consider whether you want to leave.

If the answer to this is yes, I agree that you are unlikely get him to change his views, at least in the short term. However, can you explain to him once again that they really upset you, acknowledge that he may hold those views but ask him, for the sake of your relationship not to voice them around you. If he can do this, maybe that will help. If he cannot do this then you need to reconsider my first question again.

We have been together around 3 years.

The thing is even if he doesnt voice them around me I still know he thinks it and that bothers me still. I am training as a social worker and his opinions are completely contraditary to the work I want to do.

The other stuff is just me being a bit paranoid I think, he just seems to go on about paedophiles all the time, for instance we were going past selfirdges and they had a poster of a "sexy" looking girl in the window. DP commented that she could'nt have been older than 18, I really wasn't interested either way but he went on and on about her saying she looked about 14 and saying thats why men end up in trouble because of girls like that etc.

Its like when the lazy town video comes on he goes on and on about it, saying that the puppets look like they're "wanking" etc. I say "for gods sake its a kids program, how can you even see it like that?" and he insists that other people he's spoken to do as well.

If he's looking through sky news he will auntomatically skip to any stories involving rape or child abuse. I think that maybe because things happened to me as a child I'm overly paranoid and take things the wrong way but hes always saying that he wants a daughter which bothers me. When my friends baby was born DP's first question was "is it a bloke or a lass?" which bothered me but then I suppose most people would ask what sex the baby was straight away.

My name comes from a song, I dont have black eyes

Thanks to everyone showing support.

We had a big argument a while back after he said he didnt think men should be charged with rape once the woman has consented, for instance if she asks him to stop after it has started and he doesnt its not rape because she shouldnt be "dick teasing" him and its apprantly "hard" for a bloke to stop once he starts.

I also know that he had a female friend who he was quite close to and then they fell out in a huge way and didnt speak for years, he never told me why but at the weekend he'd had a few to drink and told me it was because he'd always had feelings for her and she got a boyfriend and rubbed his nose in it on purpose so god knows what actually happened there. (they're friends again now apparantly and she's apparantly a lesbian which he also goes on and on about saying he darnt phone her incase she's having lesbian sex etc).

Blackeyedgirl - he seems to have some wierd "interests" in terms of the news stories that he wants to watch and the sexual references to kids programs.

Thats what I suspected but when he reads the stories he doesnt sit there with a smile or anything, he goes on about how they should have their balls cut off and the law is too soft etc but the interest in te first place? thats what bothers me.

Keep that man away from my children. He sounds sick. I want a bath just reading about him.
DOn't you see what we see????

So you have a proble with the opinions he holds not just him voicing them to you.

I am not sure that you can get him to change them as they are not just on one subject but a wide range of things.

So we come back to the question, can you love and live with him if he continues to hold them? It does not matter what anyone else would do, can you?

Is your son his son and does he voice these opinions around him? If he does, can you at least get him to stop that while you are considering what you want to do. I think some of the stuff you have written here would be quite damaging for a child.

My dad was very paranoid about other men being paedophiles, would voice his opinions loudly about what should be done to them etc. He was sexist, and an ignorant biggot, and oh yeah - a paedophile.

Get out, even if he isn't a possible paedophile he is still vile.

Love of God, are people being serious here?

Do people honestly think that useful, thoughtful or intelligent advice in this context and in the context of an adult relationship is just 'leave him' or 'get rid'? Jesus, I wonder sometimes.

Obviously what he says, and possibly the views he holds, are offensive to any right thinking person, although you say that he doesn't bring them up in front of your children and even reprimands your son for saying these things (hypocritical yes, but at least doing the right thing).

Does he say these things just to wind you up do you think? My guess would be quite possibly.

Does he also genuinely hold all of these views? Now that, I don't know, and neither do any of the other posters on here. What do you think? Could you stay with someone who holds these views but may have (for all I know) other qualities that make him a great partner.

I'd be inclined to sit him down and say that you find what he says and how he says it to be very offensive and not allow him to make flippant come-backs. Tell him if he genuinely holds these views it would make it hard/impossible for you to stay with him. If you feel strongly enough, make it clear that you would leave him. See what he says in response. If he is just winding you up/ acting like a tw*t for the sake of it, he should shut up pretty quickly. If not, well, then you've got a decision to make...

BlackEyedGirl: Can you pin down the cause of his offensive comments - was he brought up in a house where his parents or relatives made these kind of comments and thought it was OK?

The only other thing that I can think is to tackle each of his attitudes individually and tell him exactly why it is wrong and exactly why it is upsetting so that he can learn, rather than just telling him "your attitudes are wrong" kind of thing?

Mommalove: I'm not entering into a debate about whether certain words are pejorative or not although for what it's worth I agree with you. My point, which was an aside, was that he was willing to reprimand the use of a word (or words) that some people may consider offensive.

I am sure that as a trainnee social worker, BEG is capable of putting her point across re this man's use of language, racism etc etc, and how it makes her feel - and then it is down to him as to whether he takes the point and changes , or not.
However, BEG, you have instincts and feelings that you don't feel comfortable with. Worth treating seriously, I think. Maybe he himself is a victim of abuse, and thinks of things in those terms. But unless he talks to you openly and gives you a more secure, instinct-free feeling, I don't think you can go much further, can you?