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Relationships

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Original poster

Am I being played, or not?

39 replies

GeordieGirl47 · 04/12/2019 22:57

Recently come out of a ltr. Not looking for anything serious, but I'm also someone who takes things seriously, if that makes sense?

Been messaging someone I have known casually, he started to come round to my house when we have both had a drink. We talk, kiss, cuddle, but I won't go any further until I know he is genuine.

This is my confusion. He only has 2 free nights a week. Sometimes he comes over on one of them, sometimes both. He wants us to go "public", go out on a date, but I won't as I don't know if he's messing me about an just wants to sleep with me. He doesn't answer txts, always has an excuse, he IM's sometimes, when I see him he says he wants to be with me, he knows we're going to be in a relationship, but then I might not hear from him again for 4 or 5 days. This confuses me. He is not married. What do you think? How should I proceed with this? When we're together we get on great.

OP posts:

Anthilda · 04/12/2019 23:04

Go with your gut. Something is holding you back.

KellyHall · 04/12/2019 23:07

He might not be married but there's something more important than you for the majority of his time.
I'd walk away and focus on myself for a while. You're the only person who'll definitely always be there for you so be nice to yourself, treat yourself with respect.
If a friend of yours said to you what you wrote in your post, what would you tell them?

NobJobWinker · 04/12/2019 23:10

Has he actively tried to arrange a 'date' or does he just want to come round after he's had a drink (hoping for sex)?

Could you mention the option of going out somewhere (dinner, theatre, gig etc) and see how he responds?
If he can't be bothered to make the effort to go somewhere with you then I'm afraid I would assume he is only interested in sex

XXXXXX42 · 04/12/2019 23:13

So you won’t have sex with him or go on a date with him until he proves he’s serious... even though you don’t want anything serious???

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable and hard work. The dating bit at the beginning is supposed to be fun! You should expect respect but commitment comes later after some dates to find out if you are compatible.

Singlenotsingle · 04/12/2019 23:15

He needs to arrange something, maybe cinema or theatre, and treat you like a lady. He's not really doing that atm, is he? Not down the pub where everyone can see you, which you don't want.

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2019 23:15

He wants us to go "public", go out on a date, but I won't as I don't know if he's messing me about an just wants to sleep with me.

Couldn't you go on some dates but not sleep with him and see how it goes?

Original poster

GeordieGirl47 · 04/12/2019 23:26

Yes, he has tried to actively arrange a date, but I've told him I'm not going out until I know he's genuine. I live in a small village an people will comment. I know this sounds stupid when I'm writing it, but I don't want people gossiping if nothings going to come of it! He says am I ashamed to go out with him, which I'm not, so I've told him when I hear from him more than once or twice a week then we'll go out, but he still doesn't make the effort.

He knows I'm not going to sleep with him as things are but he still comes over, which is why I get confused, because surely if he just wanted sex he would make more contact, if only to get what he wants?

I can be hard work I think, but only when I feel uncertain.

We're not young, both in our 40's, and both very shy.

OP posts:

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 04/12/2019 23:39

I'm really confused here. You won't go out with him until he proves he is serious - you haven't slept with him. What do you want him to do exactly?!?!

Original poster

GeordieGirl47 · 04/12/2019 23:44

OrlandoInTheWilderness I want him to make contact on the days we're not seeing each other.

OP posts:

lmnoh · 05/12/2019 00:13

Can't you just ask him what he's doing on the days that you're not seeing him ?

And if he starts messaging you every day, and paying you more attention, won't you start to become attached to him and is that what you want ?

I am the worlds worse at second guessing where guys are concerned so my advise would be - write everything down that you want to know, ask him, get your answers and then chill out and have some fun ;-)

Original poster

GeordieGirl47 · 05/12/2019 00:20

Imnoh He works in a bar. So he finishes work around 1.30/2, sleeps until early afternoon, then goes back to work at 5.

I've told him all of my concerns but nothing changes.

I'm trying to just be cool and have fun, lol, but deep down I'm probably not that person, lol!

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 05/12/2019 01:39

I have an agreement with all my partners that they don’t get to expect messages everyday.
I can’t cope with feeling under pressure to respond. It should feel like an invitation not a demand.

HypatiaCade · 05/12/2019 03:04

Why can't you go out on a date further afield? Head somewhere outside of your village if you want to keep it quiet until you have a bit more certainty.

StinkyWizleteets · 05/12/2019 03:11

How can he prove he’s serious if you won’t engage in early relationship activities like dating? Going on a date doesn’t lead automatically to sex, it’s just a means of testing compatibility.

What exactly do you mean by serious? Boyfriend material? Husband material? Instantly exclusive?

You’re sending confusing messages and he’s gonna walk away soon.

ChangingStates · 05/12/2019 03:21

After my divorce i started seeing a guy. For the first few months we saw eachother about once a week and sometimes not that. We would message every few days. We had sex from the start. We both liked each other and neither of us were seeing anybody else. The not seeing lots of eachother and not messaging every day was indicative of taking it slow rather than a lack of interest. Fast forward to just over a year and we are very happy, in love and serious about eachother. We do now message every day if we are not together but not excessively- sometimes just once or twice- I don't see this as being indicative of a lack of anything.
It's ok to take things slow and not being in contact all the time or seeing each other all the time does not mean someone isn't serious about you. It seems like you want to jump straight into serious relationship without any of the fun dating stuff where you build to more serious. I think you should worry less and go out with him, have some fun, see where it goes and relax a little more about it all.

Josette77 · 05/12/2019 03:27

I think you are being really weird about dating him. Sounds more like you are playing him.

supersop60 · 05/12/2019 03:30

FFS just go on a bloody date. Go somewhere further afield if you don't want to be 'seen'. It's just a date. It's supposed to be fun.

Rainbowqueeen · 05/12/2019 03:41

I think he is actually really keen. Go on a date maybe lunch at least 1/2 an hour away. Deals with your worries about gossip and makes it clear that sex is not on the agenda.

Do you really like him? Sometimes you just need to take a risk

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/12/2019 04:27

Do you message him on those days and just get ignored?

You do sound like hard work. He's really into you and you care more about your public image (god forbid someone knows you went on a date) than his feelings, and he's still sticking around and respecting you.

northernknickers · 05/12/2019 06:35

It's you who is being difficult here OP! You must see that? He's tried to arrange a date...but you said no...the guy is confused!

pictish · 05/12/2019 06:47

Why would you expect more contact when your relationship is so new?

You seem to have a really rigid view of how he should conduct himself to prove his interest. People often have their own ideas about how fledgling relationships should progress...like going on a date maybe?

You sound anxious and like you might be hard work, to me. You seem to expect him to jump through unspoken hoops just to secure a date. He shouldn’t be expected to make you the focus of his life before you’ll go out with him.

I’d be advising him to save his affections for someone with more chill.
Sorry.

funnylittlefloozie · 05/12/2019 07:08

You are behaving really oddly and sending him mixed messages. Thats why he isnt getting in touch on his days off - because he knows you are keeping him at arms length and he cant actually work out what you want. Tbh, i can't work out what you want either!!

Presumably neither of you are on tag, and are thus able to travel outside the village. Go on a date in the next town, and see if you can cope with being out in public togethrr.

Why would it be so awful if anyone knew you were dating? Are you actually the Dowager Duchess of Argyll and therefore not expected to be shagging a barman?

DianaT1969 · 05/12/2019 08:17

Lose the idea that texting everyday = good start to dating. Anyone who has been love bombed will tell you that words mean nothing. A text is cheap. There must be millions of couples who texted every day but still broke up, either just after sex, or further down the line. Just get to know him.
How long have you known him? You would know if he is a player if you've both been in a small village for a while. Do you think you have compatible lifestyles? Do you make each other laugh? What do you bring to this? Are you right for him long term?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/12/2019 08:31

This thread has given me the 😮

Just have sex with him. If he's crap, then bin him off. If he's good, keep him onside. Why are you making it so complicated?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 05/12/2019 08:35

You do realise that you, too, are keeping him at arm's length, OP? You can't criticise him for being inconsistent when you're doing the same thing.

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